Once he’d gone, I was left sitting there with her parents again. Her father made a couple of calls and left to clean himself up. Her mother stayed, sitting in a chair while crying to herself. “Shayne, you need to go home and take care of the kids.”
“My mother is there.”
“Please. You can’t stay here. It’s not helping Ashley. She’d want you with the children.” Her mother was right. I knew I was neglecting the twins and that they needed me. I wasn’t helping Ashley by sitting around waiting. Still, the idea of her dying while I wasn’t there was keeping me from leaving.
“What if somethin’ happens?” I asked.
“Even if it does, there’s nothing any of us can do about it. Go home, get a shower, and kiss the twins. That’s what’s important right now. We need to be strong for Ashley. She’d want you to be with them.”
She was right, and as much as it hurt I knew I hadn’t slept in days.
I stood over the hospital bed for a while looking down at my beautiful girlfriend. I didn’t see the bandages and shaved head when I looked at her. Instead I saw the smiling, gorgeous woman that I’d given my heart to. She had to come back to me, because I knew for a fact that I’d never be the same man without her.
Chapter 22
Shayne
In light of what was happening with Ashley, Ford gave me another two weeks before I had to start my new job. I spent my mornings at home with the twins, my lunch at the hospital, the afternoon at the new house, dinner at the hospital and then my night at home.
I barely slept and was down about fifteen pounds according to my pants. My sister, Lacey, Sky, and my mother helped out with the twins, but when I was home, it was just the three of us. Being with them made me somehow feel close to their mother. As hard as it was to be away from her, I knew I was doing all that I could. I’m not sure if they knew, or maybe it was just the lack of breast milk, but the first few days without Ash the twins were so cranky. I hated feeling so helpless, knowing that they may never know their own mother, but there was nothing I could do except pray that she’d one day come back to us.
I’d love to say that things got easier as the weeks went by, but they certainly didn’t.
I’d been spending a bunch of time at the new house. The cabinets had been delivered and I was determined to have them hung and call for the countertop template before having to commit to my new job. Though I hadn’t asked, my father had decided to pay me a check each week, even though I’d given my notice and not been back since.
With the help of him, Ford, and even my brother Parker, who was home on break, I had the manpower to actually get the cabinets done. We’d been working for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon when my father started getting on me about my decisions.
“Have you thought about the fact that she may never be the person she was before? Your mother has been readin’ up on all this. It ain’t good, Shayne.”
I continued drilling a cabinet to the wall, noticing the look Ford was giving him behind his back. “Dad, I know all about it. I ain’t givin’ up.”
“Son, I know your intentions are good, but you can’t raise those kids by yourself. I was talkin’ to Ashley’s dad and he seems to think the same. Have you thought about that at all?”
“Of course I have.” I sat down the drill and looked over at him. “I’m finishin’ this house and me and the kids are movin’ in here. When Ash gets better, and she will get better, we’re goin’ to be a family again. Their ain’t nothin’ that you or anyone else can do to change my mind.”
He looked down. “What if she doesn’t, Shayne? What if she never recovers? Are you really ready to be a single parent to two small babies? Can you really handle workin’ a full time job and taken care of them? Honestly, after raisin’ you kids, I don’t see how you’re goin’ to do it. It ain’t easy, that’s for sure.”
I had to walk out of the room. Not only was I pissed that he’d brought it up, but I was also frustrated that Ash’s dad couldn’t keep himself out of my business.
I headed upstairs where I knew he wouldn’t follow, trying to space myself far enough away to not say something that would piss him off. The truth was that I needed his help and couldn’t have him leaving in the middle of the job.
Since I’d finished the twin’s rooms first, they were able to come to the house with me, as long as I had the monitor on and there was someone that could help out. Some nights they sat in a portable crib while I worked in other rooms of the house. It was hard at times trying to get everything done myself. At least once every couple of days I wondered if I was going to be able to do it, but they were my reason for pushing through. Every time I looked into either of their eyes I knew why I could never give up.
I happened to be holding Eli when my brother came upstairs. The look of shock washed over his face when he saw me sitting in a rocking chair holding his biological child. To be honest, it bothered me too. I knew they were mine. He’d taken no credit for them ever. “What’s up?”
My brother leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms. Nobody was around, but he looked back to make sure before he spoke. “You don’t have to do this, you know?”
“Do what?”
“Take care of them. Jesus, Shayne, this shit has gone too far. I can’t stand here watchin’ you taken care of them. They ain’t your responsibility.”
“They hell they ain’t.” I looked down at Eli and then back up at my brother. “This is my son, Parker. Do you understand that? I. Am. His. Father. I’m not doin’ this for you, bro. I’m doin’ it because I love them, because in every way that counts they’re mine. Get out of here with your pathetic attempt to make things right. I’m right where I want to be, and there ain’t a single person that will ever change my mind.” If I wasn’t holding Eli I would have stood up and jacked my brother up for assuming that I was still doing this because of him. He had no clue what I was going through.
“Shayne, I’m just sayin’. If it gets to be too much, you can walk away.”
I kissed my son on his forehead and smiled as his blue eyes stared into mine. His hair was getting darker, while his sister’s was still my color. Eli reminded me of Ashley and it put my mind at ease. “You should leave, Parker. I’m getting ready to lay MY SON back down for a nap.”
He sighed and said something under his breath before walking back down the steps.
I sat there for a while longer, holding in my anger and focusing on the reason I was doing all of what I was doing.
I had to keep my cool for the twins, and for myself. It was important to put all of my pain into the house that I was fixing up in hopes of sharing my future with Ashley and the children. I knew that if I gave up hope I’d lose myself in a world of emptiness.
In all truthfulness, I felt alone. I’d finally get in bed after a long day and the spot next to me was empty. It was always cold and even the smell of her shampoo had left her pillow. I missed her so much that it was often the place where I’d finally break down at night, and pray with everything I had in me for her to one day come back to me.
I think the worst part was knowing she hadn’t left me for another man, or broke up with me because I was an asshole. I’d lost Ashley for a reason that neither of us could control. It hurt more knowing that had she not suffered that aneurism she’d be by my side, helping me fix up the house and plan our future.
Eli was awake when I closed the door to his room and headed back downstairs. Ford had taken over and was installing the last wall cabinet. He nodded when I came in the room and I did the same. Since this had all happened he’d had my back. After the initial visit at the hospital he and Sky had done everything to help me out, especially on Sky’s part. She didn’t have to be so nice, but in light of the situation, she’d been an angel.
Unfortunately my father thought that if he kept on my ass about my decisions that I’d change my mind. He hounded me for the rest of the evening, with my brother standing proudly by his side.
I don’t know what rubbed me
worse; him thinking he could still control me, or him thinking that Parker was the best son in the world.
While trying to not let them get to me, I wondered how this would all really work out. Finally, Ford had heard enough of them. He walked up behind my dad and put his hand on his shoulder. “Why don’t we give Shayne a break for a while? He’s got enough to worry about.”
“He needs to know that he has options. The twins are still young. Now is the time to make these types of decisions. He’s got to know that nobody would blame him if he admitted he can’t do it on his own. Hell, there’s people out there lookin’ to be parents. They’d give them a good home. So would Ashley’s parents. Those kids belong with a woman, not a single man.”
I picked up a full can of beer and threw it at the back door. “Get the fuck out of my house!”
My dad looked shocked. There I was, this man in his twenties, suffering through the worst time of my life and all he wanted to do was treat me as if I was doomed for failure. “You need to watch your mouth, boy!”
“No! I really don’t. They are my kids. I don’t care how difficult it is for me. I’ll find a way to give them whatever they need. Get your stupid ideas out of here. I’ve heard enough of your shit today.”
Parker and my dad walked out the back door, slamming it shut behind them. Ford was quiet while grabbing a beer, opening it up and taking a sip. “I was wonderin’ when that would happen.”
“Sorry. I’m sick of their shit. Do you know my fuckin’ brother came upstairs tellin’ me that I didn’t have to do him any favors by takin’ care of the twins anymore. What kind of sick bastard would assume this was ever about him?”
“One that don’t know any better, that’s for sure.” He took another drink and leaned against the wooden cabinets. “You need to prepare yourself for him always holdin’ that shit over your head. He’ll probably never stop.”
“Yeah, well he needs to keep his mouth shut. Those kids have one father and it’s me.” I walked over to the floor and started wiping up the spilled beer. The new tile hadn’t been installed yet. It was next on the list and I needed the subflooring to be dry. “I just need to get through the next couple of months, man. This house is coming along and it’s keepin’ me occupied. The twins are goin’ to be fine. If I’ve got to pay my sister to babysit for the next five years, I will. People work every day and have kids. I get that my situation is a little different, but nobody’s ever got to know that. Besides, I’m not givin’ up on her comin’ home to me. I just can’t.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m real glad she has you. In the past month I’ve seen somethin’ in you that I never knew existed. I can tell how important she is to you. Sky talks about how much you love the twins. I get that they’re your blood, but you love them like a parent, not an uncle. That takes a lot of balls, Shayne. Your dad may not see it. Hell, he may not ever see it, but I do. You’re not that dickhead you used to be. You’re a good man. A real good man,” he reiterated.
I smiled, almost relieved that at least someone noticed it. I wasn’t wanting acknowledgment, but at least someone noticed my sincerity.
“You know, I don’t care how long it takes. I’m goin’ to prove them all wrong. I’m goin’ to show our whole family, and Ash’s that I can be a good father. One day they’ll apologize for doubting me. You mark my words, cuz. I’m goin’ to be the best fuckin’ father those kids could ever have.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Ford tapped his beer against mine.
I may have been struggling every single day to deal with Ashley fighting for her life, but at least I had my best friend back. I didn’t know what I would have done without him.
Chapter 23
Shayne
Every night, while everyone I knew was sleeping, I’d stay awake researching everything I could on Ashley’s condition. There was so much I didn’t understand, but I found a few pages where people had explained their ordeal. I think what I found the most reassuring was that they were telling the story of the journey they had to recovery. For the most part I was flabbergasted with all they’d endured, especially the ones that had the support of their loved ones.
For four weeks I’d spent all of my free time getting the house good enough to move into. Once I had a semi working kitchen, one working bathroom and the kids rooms painted, I knew it was good enough to stop paying rent on my other place.
It also gave me more time with the twins, while I was trying so hard to get everything perfect for when their mother came home to us.
I’ll never forget the day I got that call that said they were taking her off of the machines. It had been a month, just as the doctor had told us. After taking care of the twins, I rushed to the hospital to be the first face she saw when she woke up. I’d played the moment over and over in my head so many times that I’d lost count. I suppose it was wrong for me to assume that she would wake up and not have any trouble remembering me. I figured she’d open her eyes and demand to see the twins, because her love for them would make it impossible for her to forget.
I was very mistaken.
Standing along side of her parents, we watched as the medical staff started turning off the monitors. Of course there was a nurse on the other side documenting Ash’s vitals during the whole procedure. I kept my eyes on hers, waiting and praying that she would wake up. It’s not like the movies. She didn’t just open her eyes and start talking.
Very slowly she woke, after a good amount of time. I kept staring at her eyes, waiting for them to flicker and show a sign of life. Up until this moment there was still a chance that all of this would have been for nothing. I kept my hand in my pockets, balled up waiting and praying to see that movement that would show us she was coming around.
When it happened I almost jumped forward, wrapping my arms around her and telling her it was all going to be okay.
I’m glad I didn’t.
Ash awoke slowly, first only noticing the ceiling. The doctor put his hands up signaling for us to give her time. I actually just appreciated that he was still in the room. At her own pace she started trying to move her head, but struggled to complete the task. The doctor approached the bed and started checking her out, asking if she could hear him and telling her where she was. I expected her to answer him, using full sentences and being aware that something had happened to her, but I was wrong, again.
Ashley answered by blinking and only part of the time. Mostly she laid there looking straight, unable to communicate. As patient as we were, standing there waiting for our turn, I started to realize that my fears were true. She was going to have to learn how to talk, walk and be able to communicate again. This wasn’t something that would be fast and my heart ached for all of the time she was missing out on with her kids. Every day they were growing and doing new things.
After hours at the hospital, being sent out of the room, waiting for her to get back from scans we were finally given some time to talk to her. I could tell she recognized her parents. Her face changed slightly when they came into view.
Slowly, I approached the bed, touching her hand ever so slightly. She didn’t move, but her eyes got big and my worst fears were true.
She didn’t remember.
The way she looked at me was like a stranger had come in and violated her. The rush of pain hit me so hard that I had to leave to the room. I couldn’t bear to see her so suddenly afraid.
It was understandable that it would take time, but seeing that reaction made it all so apparent. She was going to have a very long road to recovery, and for now I wasn’t going to be a part of it.
After saying my goodbyes, I left the hospital, and headed home. I’d taken the day off in hopes of a miracle and instead been given what felt like a death sentence.
My sister greeted me at my door, but backed away when she realized the look of shock on my face. She said nothing as I climbed the stairs and headed into the master bathroom.
I’d no sooner picked up a trowel and opened the can of mastic when I tossed it ang
rily across the room, baring no shame for my outbreak. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and I couldn’t ever remember a time when I felt so lost and alone. Ashley told me that she knew when love was real because she felt as if she couldn’t live without that person she cared for. My love for her wasn’t just real. It was everything.
Pain swept through me as I tried to come to grips with what had happened. I knew that it would take time, but seeing her so confused as to why I was there hurt me in ways I never knew possible. I could no longer be strong and hold in feelings, acting like everything was going to be alright. The truth was that I didn’t know.
I didn’t know if she was ever going to come home to me.
I didn’t know if she’d ever remember our friendship.
Our love for one another.
The twins.
I couldn’t take all of the thoughts rushing into my head at the same time. My sister forced her way in the room, falling to the floor beside me. She said nothing as her arms wrapped around me from behind. I placed my hands over hers as I finally let myself go.
I sobbed like I’d never seen a grown man do. I cried in that bathroom for what may never be, for what might never come. All of my hope was dissipating, leaving me alone and helpless. There was nothing I could do for her. There was nothing I could do to bring the twins their mother. It was a good chance that the person lying in that hospital would never be the woman that I was in love with.
Had it not been for Peyton, I don’t know how I would have been able to manage the twins. My emotions were all over the place and I didn’t have the will to move from that spot. She sat there with me for what seemed like forever, saying nothing as I wept.
I supposed I should have felt embarrassed, but she never judged me. I think my pain radiated to her. Her sniffles from behind me let me know that she felt what I was going through. She knew exactly why I’d lost it and her heart ached just the same.
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