Class Dis-M.Y.T.H.ed

by Robert Asprin

  In panic, Jinetta grabbed Massha's wrist to look at the ring. The gem was as bright as an ember now. "There must be something we can do!"

  "Everyone duck!" I barked out. I levitated the ring out of Massha's palm and sent it flying straight up the chimney. "What's the range?"

  "About five thousand yards," Massha said.

  Talk about overkill! I nodded grimly and flew out the window.

  SQUAWK!

  A flock of blue-and-white ducks flying overhead scattered outward as I shot up and over the roof of the inn.

  "Sorry!" I called. They quacked indignantly among themselves as they reformed into a vee heading north.

  I scanned the sky above me for the glowing dot of red light. There it was! I pushed hard at the face of the earth with enough magikal force to send me soaring upward. I hoped no one was traveling the road below, but this close to twilight they might not notice the man-sized shadow heading towards the clouds.

  I had no trouble following the ring through the overcast sky. The ruby-red light was just a pinpoint. I flew towards it, hoping I was maintaining a safe distance. How far was five thousand yards? Keeping a hefty pad of magik around the ring, I shoved it higher and higher. How much longer did I have? The red light disappeared into the clouds. I made ready to follow it.

  BOOM!

  A red globe bloomed within the cloud overhead. The sound rang in my ears. Dizzy, I lost control of my flying spell. My stomach headed for my mouth as I dropped like a stone. A wave of heat knocked me down a few hundred feet farther. In a moment I retrieved my wits and retreated hastily toward the ground. Success. The ring had detonated where it couldn't possibly hurt anyone.

  While I descended, the cloud gave off another tremendous BOOM. With a roar, heavy waves of water began gushing down on me. The grenade had triggered the load of moisture in the cloud and caused it to start raining.

  "Thanks," I grumbled at the sky. "That's what I get for being heroic."

  Chapter Sixteen

  "Confession is good for the soul."

  T. Beckett

  I descended as swiftly as I could to get under the shelter of the forest crown. In my mind I ran over the sequence of events. There was no way that explosion could have been triggered by accident. That grenade ring had a full-scale failsafe on it, not to mention a couple of safety catches to prevent it going off if Massha caught the bezel on something. I was reluctant to come to the obvious conclusion: that someone had set it off on purpose.

  But why? If the inn had blown up, we would all have been killed.

  Not necessarily, I reasoned, as I landed on the side of the road. At least four of my students were proficient at instantaneous transfer between one dimension and another. In the confusion while we were trying to get rid of the bomb, the guilty party could just have BAMFed out, leaving the rest of us to be blown to smithereens.

  But who?

  I didn't look forward to figuring that one out.

  When I arrived back at the inn, shivering and soaking wet, I was greeted as the returning hero.

  "You are amazing, Master Skeeve!" Jinetta exclaimed, gathering me up into a bone-crunching hug. "You saved us!"

  "I was so frightened," Freezia admitted, hugging me in her turn and passing me along to Pologne. Bee merely stood to attention, his freckled face pale. Tolk ambled over and stuck his nose into my palm.

  Melvine wasn't completely over his sulk, but he came forward and flicked his fingers at me. My clothes and hair dried instantly. "It's an Elemental School desert spell," he said. No apology, no gratitude, but I got the message.

  "Thanks," I said. It did feel good to be dry again.

  Massha enveloped me in folds of translucent orange silk.

  "I'm sorry, Cupcake! I never dreamed the ring could go off like that."

  "It didn't," I said shortly. I turned to my students. "Which one of you set that off? Maybe you thought it would be funny to have us running in circles."

  "No, sir," Bee said, fervently.

  "Did you do it?"

  "No! No way, sir."

  "I saw Pologne handling it last," Tolk said. "If you could get some of the pieces I could sniff them and tell you for sure."

  "Tattletale!" Pologne snarled. "That's a lie."

  "What about you, dogface? You had your nose in everything. It could have been you!" Freezia snapped.

  "Me? How-how-how dare you?"

  "Hold it. HOLD IT!" I shouted over the sudden pandemonium. "The only person I want to hear from right now is the one who set off the ring. I don't care if you thought it was a joke. I don't care if it was an accident. Just tell me."

  Silence. The students all eyed one another with open distrust.

  "All right," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "That's it, then. I've had enough. Lady Massha, thanks for coming. Do you want to take Bee back to Possiltum with you? I'm sure he can catch a wagon or something else going toward his home town."

  "Sure, if that's what you want, boss-man."

  "Thank you very much." I turned to the assembled student body. "The rest of you are on your own."

  "What?!?" the students asked in outraged six-part harmony.

  "It's over," I said simply. "Girls, I'll reimburse you the remainder of your tuition. Tolk, I will make it up to Chumley somehow. Same for you, Melvine. I'll explain to Markie if she wants to drop by. I'd appreciate it if everybody was out of here by sunset. I'm sorry to say it, but I can't teach any of you any longer. Somebody is playing dangerous games."

  Jinetta's eyes went wide with panic. "You can't do that!"

  "I certainly can," I said. "Someone just put us all in danger, and he or she won't admit it."

  "Oh, please," she begged. "Don't send us away. We need you."

  "That's right," Tolk said. "Come on, Skeeve. One little explosion."

  "Little?" Bunny squeaked indignantly. "That could have taken out half the Bazaar."

  "Master Skeeve, I wish you'd reconsider," Bee said. "I've learned more in a week and a half from you than from anyone I have ever known, except for Sergeant Swatter, of course. I don't know about my fellow students, but I bet we all feel the same."

  The others nodded vigorously.

  "I'm not responsible for your feelings," I said. "I just discovered that one of you is capable of playing a nasty trick on the rest, me included, and I have no intention of giving you a second chance at it."

  "I didn't do it!" Melvine sniveled. "Aunt Markie will kill me if you send me home!"

  "Skeeve, we really need your help. Don't send us away now," Freezia pleaded, twining her arms around one of mine and looking up at me with big, beseeching eyes. The effect of Pervish orbs of green-veined yellow was more frightening than wistful, but the emotion behind them was clear. "What about the rest of us? One of us might be a joker, but the other five are all very sincere students, and we are really enjoying our lessons. Honestly." My resolve wavered.

  "Well—"

  Pologne attached herself to my other arm. "I know we've been touchy. I mean, I know I have. I'll keep my temper better. You're right: we have so much to learn from each other. Please, be fair."

  I sighed. She'd just hit me right where I live. I wanted to be fair, and punishing five for the sins of one was not. "All right. I'll give the bomber one chance. I'll be in my study until dinner. If he or she comes around and tells me the truth, I'll reconsider. No guarantees."

  "We understand," Jinetta said, her head bowed. The group filed out of the room.

  Massha clicked her tongue. "Well, my lesson sure went off with a bang. Don't worry, Skeeve," she added as I frowned. She held up her Cone of Silence amulet. "No one can hear past this."

  "Thanks," I sighed, and slumped into a chair. "I'm sorry about the ring. I know you treasured it because it came from Hugh."

  "I'll get over it," she said. "I've still got the man. Trinkets don't matter. He'll find me something else just as deadly."

  "Why didn't you just send them all home?" Bunny asked, standing over me with her arms folded acro
ss her chest. "I told you something was up."

  "This could just be an accident," I said. "Someone thought he or she would be funny, and it blew up—literally—in their face."

  "Or it could be an attempt to kill someone in the group," Bunny said, eying me. "You're too trusting, especially when you're the most likely target."

  "Me?"

  "Well, who else? They're all too young to have made enemies. But you're the Great Skeeve! It's not like this is the first time a rival magician has decided to try and take out the opposition."

  "Why me? I'm not even in the lineup right now. I'm out of the picture."

  Bunny eyed me. "Just the perfect time to take a stab at you, if you'll pardon the expression. I told you this morning I was worried. I think you ought to go to Uncle Bruce and ask for a couple of his men to watch your back. I know Guido and Nunzio would jump at the chance to help you out. They miss working with you. Both of them have said you're the best boss they ever had. In fact, they'd do it out of friendship, no contract involved."

  "No!" I said, jumping up. "I won't impose on friends. They have another job to do. Bunny, I appreciate your concern, but I don't need outside bodyguards. I've got Gleep."

  My pet raised his head from where it rested on his stubby forearms.

  "Gleep!" he announced, looking as brave as a baby dragon could.

  "I've got you," I continued, "and my own wits."

  "And me," Massha added. "There's no way old Massha's going to let you twist in the wind."

  "Thank you, Massha, I appreciate it, but go ahead and go home. Fortunately, you only had one exploding ring. If this was a serious assassination attempt, the perpetrator would have had his or her own bomb. This looks more like a prank or a crime of opportunity. I can try and draw whoever it is out into the open."

  "Assassination is not really your field, Hot Stuff," Massha reminded me.

  "I'll call Tananda," Bunny said, pulling Bytina out of her purse. The little red PDA snapped open at once, and images danced off her palm-sized crystal mirror. "That IS her field."

  I clapped the little device shut. "No, don't. I can handle this. Let's see if he tries again."

  "Or she," Bunny said.

  "Whoever it is," I agreed. "Now, if you'll excuse me," I squared my shoulders, "I've got to go set a trap."

  I sat in my office with my back to the door. I was trying out the Manticore's stunning serum on a housefly I had caught in a glass bottle. It hadn't moved for at least five minutes by my candle. The process had taken less than a pinpoint's worth of venom. This could be a great tool—or a weapon.

  Footsteps approached, brushing along the flagstone floor in the corridor. My door creaked open slowly. I didn't tarn around.

  "Skeeve?" a quiet voice said. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

  "Pass the potatoes, please," I said.

  Silently, Jinetta picked up the earthenware dish and handed it down the table to me.

  "Thank you."

  "Don't mention it," the tallest Pervect mumbled, dropping her eyes to her bowl.

  Bunny sat at the head of the table, cutting her meat into very small pieces as if she was looking for hidden explosive devices. No one spoke except to ask for food.

  I wasn't much of a conversationalist myself. Nothing I had done that day had turned out the way I planned it. The spell-sharing exercise had turned out to be a disaster. Someone had broken into the strongbox in an effort to frame one of the students for theft, and I still had no idea why. Massha's long-awaited demonstration had been derailed by either an attempt at assassination or a foolish mishap. I had sent my regrets back to Hugh, apologizing for the destruction of his anniversary gift to Massha and offering to replace it at my own expense. I knew that it was an inadequate gesture, but what could I do? Massha herself had forgiven me, but I had not forgiven myself. It had happened right under my nose. At the moment I was leaning toward deliberate sabotage. Replaying the events in my mind, I could see a pattern where no one had made a serious attempt to get rid of the ring-bomb. In fact, it looked to my mind's eye as though at least three of them had made efforts to keep the device from leaving the room.

  My trap to catch the student who had set it off had failed spectacularly. Or, rather, it had worked too well. I didn't get one confession from the attempted bomber: I got five. They all confessed, everyone except Bee.

  One by one, as dusk came on, they crept into my study. With shamed faces and the utmost sincerity they all apologized for having made a stupid mistake and being too ashamed to admit it. Melvine's confession had been particularly impassioned, which surprised me, in light of the fact that he had never taken the blame for a single thing he had ever done, but his statement was almost word for word what the others said.

  "Look," the Cupy said, giving me a sheepish, sideways grin, "the ring was just sitting there. You know I can't keep from fiddling with things. I wanted to see what it looked like with the spell armed, so I invoked it. The bezel started glowing. Then I got curious about what the other buttons did. I played with them a little. One of them turned out to be the failsafe. I knew as soon as I touched it that was the wrong thing. I couldn't get it to turn off. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't disarm it. I couldn't throw Massha's ring out the door without admitting what I had done. I should have said something right away. Instead, I just left it on the cloth with the other jewelry. I'm sorry. Don't tell the others. I feel like an idiot already."

  I was puzzled. Why would five of them own up to causing a near-fatal accident when four of them, and maybe all five, had to be lying? Why did they want to stay with me so badly? For that was what they wanted, without exception.

  The last to talk with me, Jinetta, had hung back at the door. "You'll keep us on, now that you know what-who the joker was. Right?" She had given me a meaningful glance then slipped off into the dim hallway. Her confession had sounded as sincere as the others, all of which I now doubted.

  Bunny and I now really suspected Bee, who was looking mournful. As soon as the meal was finished, he sprang up.

  "I'll do the dishes, Miss Bunny," he volunteered.

  The others listlessly took on the other chores. Pologne went for the broom and pan. Freezia cleaned the table. Even Melvine pushed the benches back under the edges of the table.

  I cleared my throat.

  "I've, uh, decided," I began. The students whirled to face me. "I've decided you can stay. I've had a talk with the, er, perpetrator."

  "Hurray!" Melvine whooped, sailing into the air and zooming around the ceiling like a flannel-clad bumblebee.

  "Hold the happiness," I said. "This is provisionary. I will go on with the lessons if, and only if, there are no more near-death experiences and no more thefts. I want the six of you to start getting along again the way you did in Humulus. Is that clear?"

  "Yes, Skeeve!" they chorused. Even Bee cheered up.

  Bunny's eyebrows rose to frame the question that she did not ask out loud: why?

  I hated to admit the truth even to myself: I didn't want to fail. I had taken on this class. I saw their misbehavior as a failure on my part to express my wishes and make them stick. I would have to be very clear from that moment on to let them know everything I wanted from them. On the other hand, I could hear in my head the voice of my mother, who had been a teacher, and a good one, all her adult life.

  "And if they stick beans up their noses, will you feel responsible because you didn't tell them not to?"

  I didn't know. I might. But I had to try. The students, and my own self-esteem, were counting on me.

  Chapter Seventeen

  "Tag, you're it!"

  B. V. Richtoffen

  "Aaaarroroooorrraaaaagghh!"

  A huge, purple form came rushing into the courtyard where I was teaching advanced levitation. It bore down upon the cluster of students who were holding themselves above the ground and a variety of objects at different levels around them. Bee immediately lost focus and fell heavily to the flagstones. Melvine took off for the top of
the trees. Tolk let out a whimper of pleasure and started swimming through the air toward the being.

  The Pervects screamed then, seemingly caught in mid-shriek, raised their hands as if they were calling the spirits of the dead. The purple form was hoisted into the air.

  "Oh, I say!" it exclaimed.

  Chumley. I chuckled. "Let him down, girls! It's my friend Big Crunch."

  "He is?" Jinetta asked. "Oh! Of course it is. I am so sorry, Mr. Troll. Permit me."

  "I'll do it," Pologne snapped out.

  "If you want," the tallest Pervect said.

  The Troll was lowered gently to the ground. I was reasonably pleased. That exchange had even passed for civility.

  The preceding week had tried my patience in more ways than one. I had gained no more insight on who was responsible for the explosion. Bee was still my major suspect, which I based on the absence of a confession and the fact he was the only one of the six who might ever have had close experience with ordnance weapons. General observation would have made him the last person I should ever have considered. He continued to be polite, hard-working and cooperative.

  So had the others. In fact, each one was determined to show me that he or she was THE most cooperative, willing and hard-working pupil who had ever lived anywhere in the universe. Unfortunately that cooperation still didn't extend to one another. The distrust had taken firm hold, and refused to be detached. Even the Pervects were beginning to keep one another at arm's length. It distracted me from being able to concentrate. My lesson plan began to look like a dance chart, making sure none of them spent too much time with any of the others.

  Instead, they all made efforts to spend as much time as possible with Bunny or me. Each clamored for private instruction and practical training from me. I ran through all the ideas I could glean from my own experiences, and not a few I stole from the shows on the Crystal Network, like having them extract a fragile glass bubble, intact, from a nest of horned weaselsnakes without getting bitten. As usual, each tackled the tasks in different ways. The Pervects still tended to go for the academic approach, but I was pleased to see that more frequently than ever they put aside the books and tried to analyze the situation in the real world. Bee looked at everything from a logistics and supply point of view. I thought his solution was the most elegant of all, setting out the weaselsnakes' favorite prey at a distance from the nest, and retrieving the bubble at his leisure. Tolk tried to make everything his friend, disastrous in the experiment with shield-hornets, but very successful in getting the local townsfolk to lend him enough ingredients to make a pan of scones. Melvine whined and complained a lot, but away from the distraction of others he buckled down. He really was as smart as Markie thought he was. His easy command of magikal force had made him lazy. Once he stopped blasting everything full force, he became more effective. The surgical precision with which he whisked the glass ball out of the snake nest was a beautiful sight to behold. I wished the others had been there to see it, or even evinced the most remote interest in hearing my recitation of Melvine's success.