Small hands cupped his face, the palms soft against his skin. “Everything’s all right.”
He wanted to shout at her, to tell her that nothing had been all right since that day in Libya when he’d lost seven men.
Afraid that he might hurt her, he pushed her away. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“You brought me here, unless you forgot,” she said, and he knew she was trying to make him smile, make him forget.
But he couldn’t smile. And he would never forget.
“Where’s Shelley?”
“She got a call from her client. She left a note on the kitchen counter.”
Dani drew him back to the sofa, pushed him down and then knelt in front of him. “Tell me.” She implored him with her expression.
“It’s old news. It doesn’t matter anymore.” His breathing slowed as he took in his surroundings.
“Not when it has you screaming in the middle of the night.”
“How bad was it?” he asked, unable to meet her gaze.
“Pretty bad,” she said. “I thought someone had broken into the house.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be an idiot. You were in pain. You’re still in pain.” Her hands gripped his. “Tell me what happened. Once you talk about your nightmares, they lose a lot of their power.”
That was what the army shrink had said. The man had also said that Jake suffered from PTSD. Jake had dismissed that with barely concealed contempt. He was Delta Force. Deltas didn’t have PTSD. He had a recurring nightmare. That was all.
“You’ve shut down your feelings,” the psychiatrist had told him. “Once you start to feel again, you’ll start to heal.”
After that, Jake had refused to attend any more sessions with the man. Jake had had enough on his plate as he’d tried to rebuild his broken body. He didn’t need any psychobabble from a shrink who had never seen battle.
What did some doctor who wore elbow patches on his jackets know about guilt?
The guilt was always there. Only his dreams loosed it.
“I did nothing but talk.” The words came out as a growl, but she never flinched. “For months, I talked. To the army shrinks. To the chaplain. But it never did any good. Talk doesn’t change anything. It never does.”
“Maybe you weren’t ready to face it yet.”
“What makes you think I’m ready now?”
“I don’t know if you are or aren’t. But keeping whatever is torturing you locked inside won’t do you any good.” She spread her hands as if to encompass him, the room that still had not stopped spinning.
He supposed he ought to be grateful that the dream no longer came every night, but there was something even more horrible about its capricious visits, ambushing him when he’d let down his guard.
Strangely, he found he wanted to talk. To Dani. He started slowly, letting the memories have their way. “It was supposed to be a routine operation. A small unit would infiltrate a compound, lay down some explosives, then get out. My friend Sal and I took the lead. As soon as we were inserted, I knew something was wrong. The intel we received was faulty. They were waiting for us.”
“They?”
“The Tangos. They were lying in wait, ready to pick us off one by one. Seven of us survived. Seven didn’t. By the time I was shipped home, I was in a bad way. My leg...” He patted his right leg. “I was on crutches. But I could have dealt with that.”
“Your men,” she guessed. “You felt responsible.”
“It was more than that. When I was able to, I did some digging. I learned that some congressman had wanted to score points with the media, told someone who told someone else about the operation. We lost seven men, seven good men, because some politician couldn’t keep his mouth shut.”
She gasped. “What did you do?”
“I resigned.”
“You felt you had no choice.”
“I didn’t trust the bigwigs in Washington. I didn’t trust my commanding officers. I didn’t trust myself.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For telling me.”
Jake scrubbed a hand over his face. “So you can live my nightmare with me? You don’t need that.”
“Did it ever occur to you that I need to be there for you, just like you’re there for me?”
It hadn’t. It shamed him that he hadn’t given her needs a second’s thought. “I’m sorry,” he said for the second time.
“Don’t be. You were hurting. I only want to help.”
He doubted anyone could help, but Dani had made it clear that she wasn’t going anywhere. He might as well answer a few questions. Maybe that would send her back to bed and he could deal with his pain by himself.
He was accustomed to dealing with things by himself. Preferred it that way. He’d been on his own since he’d enlisted. He’d been quickly singled out for the special-ops training and had excelled at everything they’d thrown at him. Riding high on the invincibility of youth and arrogance, he had believed he’d found his calling. He had a job he loved, and he did it well.
Then it had all come crashing down. He and Shelley never talked about his reasons for leaving Delta Force. His choice. He’d walked away with too many questions, questions that had no answers, at least here on earth.
“When you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen,” Shelley had said. He appreciated her patience, even as he accepted that he might never be able to talk about why he’d walked away from the service.
In the year since he’d left Delta, Jake had floundered, not knowing how to fill the days. A soldier, he was accustomed to action, whether it be slogging through relentless sandstorms, wading in putrid swamps or waiting out the night in teeth-rattling cold.
He hadn’t been satisfied with his life since he’d left the military. He’d been in limbo, drifting day to day, without any sense of direction, so he’d jumped at Shelley’s suggestion that they start their own security and protection firm, grabbing on to it as he would a lifeline.
He didn’t need the money. Investing his salary over the years had paid off handsomely, and he would never have to work a day again in his life if he didn’t want to, but sitting idly didn’t come naturally to him. What he’d needed was a purpose.
Shelley, with characteristic stubbornness, had refused to accept any money from him. “Either the business makes it on its own or it folds. I won’t take a dime from you, so don’t even think about offering me a so-called loan.”
They’d done okay so far, thanks to Shelley. He was content to leave the business end of things to his sister. He knew himself well enough to recognize that he didn’t have the temperament for the boardroom. He also knew that he wasn’t very diplomatic, if at all. He’d much rather kick a door down than talk his way in.
At thirty-five, he was in his prime, but too many years of fast-roping from helicopters and jumping from airplanes had taken their toll.
“What did you do when you came home?”
He grimaced. “Six months of physical therapy. I hated every minute, but I didn’t have a choice. Not if I wanted to walk again.”
“I did some checking on you,” she admitted. “Nobody’s life is private anymore.”
“That’s only fair. I did some checking on you, as well.”
“Now we’re even.” She paused. “How did you get through it? Being wounded, losing your men like that?”
He didn’t want to talk about himself, but somehow Dani made him want to share with her. Only her. He wanted to share something real, not just the superficial things that men and women too often talked about. And it didn’t get more real than this, the past that had made him the man he’d become. The good, the bad and, too often, the ugly. “I didn’t. That’s why I drag my nightmares along with me.”
; The anger roiling inside him threatened to erupt yet again, smothering everything else, so fierce and unforgiving that he trembled with the force of it. He fought it back, willed his mind to grow calm, but he couldn’t vanquish the pain. It was all consuming.
A frown pinched her lips together. “Do you have them every night? The nightmares?”
“It’s gotten better. Only once or twice a month now.”
“What about the politician who compromised your mission? What happened to him?”
Bitterness twisted his face. “Nothing.” The people who had first given the faulty information and the politician who had spilled the details of the op to the press had gotten a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Jake had railed against it, against the injustice of it. Every attempt he made to force the higher-ups into action against those responsible had been stonewalled.
The shrink the army had assigned to him told him that he needed to forgive.
Forgiveness didn’t come easily. More, he didn’t believe that the brass and politicians who’d sent his men to their deaths deserved his forgiveness. Frankly, they weren’t worth the hard work he’d have to put into it.
Before he knew it, the feelings were pouring out of him.
Dani didn’t try to talk him out of his feelings. Instead, she said only, “Forgiveness comes down to a choice. The Lord had to make a choice as well about whether to forgive the men who betrayed Him, who crucified Him. In the end, He chose forgiveness.”
“You aren’t comparing me to the Savior, are you?”
“No. None of us are worthy of that comparison. I’m only trying to say that forgiveness is within all of us, when we’re ready.” She hesitated. “You aren’t going to tell me anything you don’t want me to know, are you?” It was less exasperation that he heard in her voice than it was resignation. And regret.
“No.”
“Then I should quit wasting my time.” She started to get to her feet.
Jake grabbed her hand, pulled her back to the sofa. “I’m sorry.” How many times was he going to say those words tonight? “I’m not good at sharing.”
“I’m here to listen. When you’re ready.”
The Chicago projects where he and Shelley had grown up didn’t make for warm and fuzzy memories, but they’d taught him to toughen up, and fast. It was strange; he hadn’t thought of the projects in years. But the past was always with you, waiting to be reborn, to ambush you when you least expected.
He wondered what Dani would think of his background. It couldn’t be more different from her own. Not that it mattered. Yes, the past was always with you, but you didn’t have to let it define you.
Only the minister of a storefront church had shown any interest in a boy with more attitude than sense and his little sister. He had arranged babysitting for Shell while Jake worked, and he taught them both about self-respect and honor, hard work and reaching for a goal. Most important, the man had taught them that the Lord loved them, even when it seemed no one else did.
It was from attending that small church tucked away between a liquor store and a tattoo parlor that Jake had learned to pray. He’d thought his first attempts to talk to the Lord had been pitiful, but Reverend Weston had assured him that the Lord heard every prayer.
“The Lord doesn’t care about fancy words. He cares about what’s behind those words,” the minister had said. “Chew on that for a spell. And don’t ever tell me that you can’t pray. Prayer is available to everyone. It’s up to us if we take advantage of it.”
Jake pushed away the regret that prayer was no longer part of his life and tore his attention from the past, back to the present, to Dani. He stood and drew her to her feet, as well. “Thank you.”
Dani didn’t ask what he was thanking her for. The press of her hands on his told him that she already knew.
He couldn’t deny his wariness of his growing feelings for her. How could he? He had nothing to offer a woman like Dani. At the same time, he couldn’t resist putting his arms around her. He wanted—needed—to absorb her goodness, her faith. His conflict was so great that he nearly pushed her away.
But he didn’t. Couldn’t.
For those moments, when he and Dani stood locked in an embrace, he forgot Libya and what had happened. He braced himself for the guilt that always followed whenever he forgot, even for a moment, the loss of his men, but it didn’t come.
* * *
The following morning, Jake was remote, greeting her with only a grunt. Dani wasn’t surprised, though she couldn’t stifle a pang of hurt. He’d shared something important with her last night. Today, it appeared he regretted it.
“About last night—”
“Forget it,” he said curtly. “I have.” A shutter came down over his face, effectively blocking her out.
There was distance between them now on his part. And regret on hers. Disappointment had a sharp edge.
In a strange way, she felt betrayed. Why had he shared those memories with her, only to close her out hours later? Quietly, she reflected on the man who had so quickly become a part of her life.
There was more to this man than she’d guessed, and she wondered if he ever let anyone else glimpse behind the mask he wore with such determination.
“I’m going jogging. Then I’ve got some business to take care of,” he said in that same brusque tone. “Shelley will stay with you until I get back.”
Dani wasn’t surprised that he was avoiding her and tried to convince herself that it didn’t hurt.
Instinctively, she knew Jake wouldn’t have shared what he had last night if he hadn’t been hurting. Her heart squeezed tight, and she pulled a ragged breath into her lungs as she thought of him, a wounded warrior struggling to reclaim his life.
He was a true American hero. The arrogant man who had inserted himself into her life was only a facade.
While Jake took his jog, Dani took advantage of his absence and joined Shelley in the kitchen. The other woman was kneading bread dough, her hands capable and strong as they pounded it, then shaped it into a loaf.
“Go ahead,” Shelley invited after she’d set the dough on a towel to rise. “I know you want to ask me questions about big brother.”
Dani discovered she had dozens of questions about the man who had insinuated himself into her life. Jake had become important to her in ways she wasn’t ready to define.
Not yet.
“What was Jake like as a child?”
“Jake was never a child. Even before our mother cut out on us, he was taking care of me, making sure I did my homework, doing the cooking and cleaning. He had to grow up quickly.”
Dani’s heart hitched as she recalled the unemotional way Jake had described his childhood. There was no trace of self-pity in the recital, only an unaffected relating of facts that managed to reach down inside her. He’d made sure that Shelley knew she was loved. But who had loved the boy he’d been?
“That must have been rough. On both of you.”
“Jake always made sure I had food and clean clothes to wear. Even when he went without.”
Dani digested that. “He had a nightmare last night.”
“Let me guess. Libya, right? His last mission?”
“Yeah. He told me a little about it.”
“He told you?” Shelley’s eyes widened. “He hasn’t shared much with me, aside from the basic stuff.”
Dani felt uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to step on any toes.”
“Hey, I think it’s great. He needed to tell someone, to get the pictures out of his head. I hope he didn’t scare you. Sometimes he wakes up screaming.”
“He did,” Dani admitted. Not for anything would she confess that she’d been scared out of her mind when she’d heard him shouting.
Shelley regarded her with a speculati
ve gaze. “He must think you’re pretty special, to share what happened in Libya with you.”
“No. It’s nothing like that. I was here. That’s all.”
“Did he tell you that he personally went to see the families of every man who died?”
“No. He said he spent some time in rehab.”
“Six months. But he made time to visit every family, even when he could barely walk. He wouldn’t have told me, but he needed me to drive him. That’s the only reason I know. Otherwise, he’d have kept me in the dark.”
Dani understood. Jake wasn’t the kind of man to go around bragging about such a thing. He’d have kept it private. It only made her like him more.
“I thought you had a big case of your own. How did you find time to babysit me?”
“The bigwig I was hired to protect finally caved to the environmentalists’ demands. The threat’s gone and so am I.” She wrinkled her nose. “I wasn’t sorry to see the end of that job. The money was good, but the man was beyond obnoxious. Aside from that, he made a pass at me whenever he could.”
Dani couldn’t imagine anyone getting away with that and said as much.
Shelley laughed. “Oh, he didn’t get away with it. The last time he tried, he ended up on the floor with my knee pressed on the small of his back.”
Dani joined in the laughter. “Good for you.” She bit her lip. “Could you show me a few self-defense moves?”
“Be happy to.” Shelley stood, pushed a few pieces of furniture out of the way. “Let’s start with a deflect and toss.”
Dani went through the moves, using her shoulder to deflect the attacker, then rotating on her heels to toss him to the ground. By the time she had gotten the basics down, she was gasping for breath. Shelley, she noted, wasn’t even breathing hard.
Shelley got up from the floor where Dani had tossed her. “I think that calls for a break.”
“Thank you,” Dani gasped.
Shelley laughed. “I worked you hard, but you did great.”
“I’m going to practice on Jake when he returns.”
Shelley gave her a probing look. “You like him, don’t you?”
“Of course I like him. He’s become a good friend.”
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