Dane had told her as much last night and the thought of hurting him made her stomach churn. But if she left now, sneaked away and kept her distance, Dane might well be all right. He’d soon recover and see it as a one-night stand. Wouldn’t he? A one-night stand that had got the passion out of their systems in order to enable them to both move on.
Honey hoped Dane would be able to move on, even as she hated the thought of him being with another woman. She would have to harden her heart to her feelings for him because she didn’t deserve to love and be loved. It was too risky, too dangerous; for her and for him.
As much as they had seemed to know each other last night when their limbs had been tangled in Dane’s sheets and they’d been as close as two humans could be, the problem was that Dane didn’t really know Honey at all. He didn’t know what she’d done in the past and what had happened to her. She hadn’t told him the whole truth and she didn’t know if she ever could. She couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in his eyes, to watch as the light faded as he realised what she was really like. As it became clear that she had omitted to share the whole truth.
Honey slipped from under the covers then rooted around on the floor for her clothes. Once she’d found them, she left the bedroom as quietly as she could and descended the stairs, her heart pounding in her chest with each step in case Dane came chasing after her. But he didn’t. He was fast asleep and for that she was grateful.
She dressed in the semi-darkness of his hallway, pushed her feet into her boots, and grabbed her coat from the bottom of the banister. She paused for a moment, almost wishing that Dane would appear at the top of the stairs and ask where she was going, but the house stayed quiet.
So she let herself out of his cottage, closed the door gently behind her, and hurried home, hoping that it was early enough that none of the villagers would see her walking home in the grey light of dawn. Hoping that she could go home and get into bed and wake up to find that this had all been a dream.
But Honey had a terrible feeling that this would be there for the rest of her life, taunting her and reminding her that she let people down. Even the people she should be holding dear.
7
Honey turned her mobile off as soon as she got home then went straight to bed. She crawled beneath the cool duvet, shivering with cold and sadness, and tried not to think about how warm and solid Dane’s body had felt in bed next to her.
It just wasn’t meant to be.
It couldn’t be.
She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing, to allow the oblivion of sleep to claim her, but it just wouldn’t come. She tossed and turned, wondering if Dane was all right and if he’d got up and gone to school as usual. Was he wondering why she’d disappeared? Was he angry or confused, sad or hurt? She hoped he was none of those things and that he’d gone off to work to spend a day educating the local children and that he would secure the job next week at interview. At least then he could make some decisions about his future and know if he’d need to move on or if he could settle in the village.
Not that Dane settling in the village would be a good thing for Honey, now. Knowing he was here every day, in Heatherlea, living his life while she lived hers would be so hard.
She pushed the covers back and sat up. Did she really need to do this? Had she acted rashly in a moment of panic? Perhaps pushing him away wasn’t necessary. They evidently cared about each other, so couldn’t she find a way to tell him the truth about her past, then see if he wanted to try to make a go of things with her?
Trying to sleep wasn’t going to work. Besides, she needed to see to the chickens, so she pulled on her clothes and trudged down the stairs. Whatever happened, the chickens needed her. When she opened the coop, they trotted out happily, oblivious to everything except the physical need for food, water and fresh air. If only life could be as simple for humans, if only she didn’t have needs and desires that went beyond food, water and shelter.
Honey could run through as many renditions of if only as she liked, but she couldn’t escape the truth.
She had some things to sort out and she knew where she needed to start.
“That’s it…” Honey walked around the village hall. “Don’t forget to breathe, Mrs Braithwaite. Yes, Mrs Hall… and elongate your spine.”
She forced herself to focus on teaching her Wednesday evening yoga session, pushing her worries about Dane from her mind. The women in her class had every right to her full attention and Honey intended to ensure that they had it.
Until the door opened and Dane walked in.
Honey’s heart pounded and she tried to swallow, but her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. Her eyes followed Dane as he walked to the mini stage at the front of the hall, dropped his rucksack then unzipped his grey hoodie and dropped it onto a chair. In his fitted blue T-shirt and jogging bottoms, he looked so big and muscular, yet so vulnerable. There was hurt and confusion etched on his face and it made Honey’s stomach clench. She had hurt this lovely man and she hated herself for it.
But he was here and that was a positive thing. If he hated her, he wouldn’t have come. It wasn’t as if it was compulsory to attend her yoga sessions, but he always did, without fail, even when his workload was heavy. When he hadn’t arrived ten minutes early as he usually did, Honey had assumed that he wasn’t coming. Yet here he was, ten minutes late, but here nonetheless.
“Dane.” She smiled as she reached his side. “Are you… all right?”
“I’m fine.” His jaw clenched and Honey decided to back off, not wanting to make him even more annoyed.
“Okay. Well we haven’t long started so you can join in when you’re ready.”
He nodded but didn’t meet her eyes, keeping his gaze fixed on a spot in the distance as if he couldn’t bear to look at her.
“Right,” she said, steeling herself then taking a deep breath. “Here we go…”
Honey encouraged class members to stretch, telling them to breathe deeply and trying to ignore the usual occurrences like Mrs Gregory farting and the muttering of innuendos from Miss Peterson. Normally, Honey would smile at the farting and the innuendos, but today her heart was heavy and nothing held the usual amusement. She gently helped eighty-seven-year-old Fred Bennett to perform some stretches on his chair. He never achieved a lot but she suspected that he attended the classes for company and that was fine with her. Yoga was about improving all aspects of health and that included the mind and heart.
She avoided looking directly at Dane, though she could see him from the corner of her eye as she walked around the hall, and it took all of her strength not to go over to him and hold him.
When the hour had passed, yoga mats had been rolled and goodbyes said, the hall emptied and Honey found herself alone with Dane. Her chest tightened and her head felt light, but she couldn’t leave before him; she had to speak to him. They weren’t children and she owed him civility at the very least.
She approached him cautiously.
“Dane?”
He kept rolling his mat.
“Dane? Can we talk?”
He stopped rolling and threw the mat to the floor making her wince.
“What about, Honey? I can’t imagine why you’d need to speak to me.”
His eyes were hard, not at all like the eyes Honey had gazed into for months, the eyes she had melted into and that had made her heart grow.
“Well…” she licked her lips “about us.”
“Us?” He frowned. “There’s an us? I woke up alone this morning after one of the best nights of my life to find you gone. You didn’t answer my calls or texts or even leave a note. How do you think I feel?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Are you?”
She nodded.
“I feel used. Cheap. Unworthy. I thought we had a… a connection but you left after we made love and didn’t even say goodbye. Was it a mistake for you?”
“No.” She shook her head. “Well, yes. Kind of. Not in that way. Oh gosh�
� I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Well don’t bother. I guess I know where I stand now. Goodbye, Honey.”
He left his mat on the floor, grabbed his bag then marched to the door. Honey watched him, her heart pounding out his name.
“Please don’t go.” Her voice was high with panic.
“Why not? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out of here right now.”
Honey took a deep breath. The words were on the tip of her tongue, teasing her but not emerging. She tried to articulate them, to push them into the air but her voice remained trapped in her throat.
Then Dane was gone and an icy draft blew through the front door and into the hall, circling her ankles and chilling her flesh so that goosebumps rose on her skin.
“Because I have things to deal with before I can move on. Because I need you to trust me while I sort them out. And… because I think I love you,” she whispered into the emptiness as a lone tear trickled down her cheek.
8
Saturday morning, Honey hooked the pink gift bag containing a present for baby Alison over her arm, locked her door then set off for Dawn and Rick’s house. They were having a few friends around and Honey was looking forward to seeing everyone, although she was hoping that none of them would ask about Dane.
The air was heavy with the threat of rain and grey clouds hung low in the sky, creating a claustrophobic effect and making Honey long for clear blue skies and the heat of summer.
When she got to Dawn’s house, she took a deep breath before knocking the door and ran through the answer she had prepared in case anyone did ask about Dane: He’s very busy this weekend marking books. It was a perfectly plausible excuse, as he was, very often, marking books.
She knocked on the door with her free hand then waited until it swung open and Rick stood in front of her.
“Honey! How are you?”
“Oh, you know…” she smiled, taking in the dark shadows under his eyes, his stubbly jaw, stained black T-shirt and odd socks. “Not bad at all.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Well excuse the state of me but a new baby means that everything else – sleep included – has to take a back seat.”
“So it seems.” She nodded. “But you’re all doing well?”
“Yes, wonderfully!” He peered behind her. “Dane not with you?”
Honey bristled. “No. Should he be?”
“Oh… uh… he’s been invited too and as you are…” Rick scanned her face. “Oh… maybe you’re not quite uh… what I meant was.” He sighed. “You know what? I’m sleep deprived and I’m being rude keeping you on the doorstep. Come on in.”
Honey stepped into the hallway then removed her boots and tucked them under the shoe rack with the others.
“I really am sorry, Honey. I thought you and Dane were a couple now.”
“Not exactly. But don’t be sorry.” She shrugged out of her jacket. “It’s fine, honestly.”
But she didn’t feel fine. In fact, her heart ached. Rick had said that Dane was invited this morning too, so that meant he could turn up while she was here and that would be very awkward indeed.
“Go on through to the lounge and I’ll put the kettle on.”
“Where are Laura and James? It seems very quiet.”
“Dawn’s parents took them out for the day to spoil them. We’re keen to ensure that they don’t feel at all put out now that little Alison is here. It’s such a juggling act making sure everyone feels happy and included.”
“I can only imagine.”
In the lounge, Dawn was on the sofa surrounded by pillows, with her feet on a large pouffe. She looked tired but she grinned when she saw Honey.
“Hello, love!”
Honey leant forwards and kissed her cheek then handed her the pink gift bag.
“There was no need for this,” Dawn held the bag aloft. “But thank you anyway.”
“It’s just a little something.”
“Hi Honey,” Camilla said as she emerged from the kitchen carrying a tray laden with mugs. Tom followed her holding a plate of biscuits.
“Hi Camilla, hi Tom.”
“Oh Honey!” Dawn said as she unwrapped the gold tissue from around the unicorn ornament that Honey had made. “It’s beautiful.”
“It has hair a bit like yours,” Tom said.
Honey nodded. The small white unicorn had a mane of pink and blue hair to match its colourful horn.
“Can I see it?” Camilla asked.
She got up and took the unicorn from Dawn and held it up to the light. ‘It’s so pretty. It’s exactly like the…” She paused and looked at Honey. “Honey… Have you been keeping a secret from us?”
Honey’s skin prickled and she looked away, feigning interest in the cards on the windowsill.
“You have, haven’t you?” Camilla pushed her. “You’ve been hiding something.”
Honey dug her fingernails into her palms, trying to work out how to explain her awful secret to her friends, to explain why she had kept it from them for so long.
“What are you talking about Camilla?” Dawn asked, shaking her head.
“I think Honey has been modest about her sculpting and painting. This is so much like the Purple Hen range, that I’m convinced it is one.”
Honey looked from Camilla to Dawn and back again. She was talking about her designs not the other thing…
“Oh! Yes… I’m behind Purple Hen designs.” She smiled as relief seeped through her.
‘Why didn’t you say anything? This brand has really taken off lately. I’ve seen it in several shops and online but I had no idea it was you.”
“Well, it started as a bit of a hobby when I arrived in Heatherlea and I didn’t think anything would come of it. In fact, I didn’t think anyone would be interested but lately I’ve been getting more orders and I’m actually struggling to meet the demand.”
‘Well that’s fantastic!” Dawn said. “Good for you.”
Honey’s cheeks glowed at the praise.
“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to seem like I was boasting.”
Camilla shook her head. “Honey, it’s not boasting to tell your friends about your business success, you know.”
“Actually, Camilla, now that it’s out in the open, I think I might need some help.”
Camilla held up her hands. “I’m not at all creative.”
‘No, I meant with the accounts.”
“Anytime, lovely. Get everything together and we can arrange a day for me to come and take a look.”
“Wonderful, thank you.”
‘I wish you’d told us before. There’s never a need to keep secrets from us.”
Dawn smiled at her and guilt gushed through Honey. Now the fact that she had another secret, a far worse one, seemed dreadful. How could she tell them that her business wasn’t the only thing she’d been keeping quiet?
“There’s a box of fresh eggs in there too, Dawn, to keep your strength up.”
“Believe me I need all the nutrients I can get the way this little one is feeding.”
“That’s what I thought.” Honey peered into the crib next to the sofa.
“You can hold her if you like,” Dawn said.
“Oh…” Honey stepped backwards. “It’s okay, she’s sleeping.”
“That’s fine. Have a cuddle.”
“No. Not yet.”
Confusion passed over Dawn’s face so Honey turned away and went to the chair in the corner, picking up a mug of tea from the table as she passed it. The thought of holding the tiny baby made something inside her wobble, and she worried that whatever it was would burst to the surface if she so much as stroked the baby’s soft pink cheek.
“Well I’ll have a hold if you won’t.” Camilla gently lifted her niece then sat next to her sister while Tom took the other chair. “She’s gorgeous.”
“What do the children think of her?” Honey asked, keen to move on from her apparent distaste for cuddling little Alison.
>
“They’re besotted.” Dawn smiled as she picked up a mug of tea. “They can’t do enough to help me and Rick at the moment; they’re taking their roles as older siblings very seriously. That’s why I was so happy that Mum and Dad offered to take them out today. I wanted them to have some attention focused on them and I’m not quite up to a day out just yet.”
“No and we need to get some sleep in before we do make any plans,” Rick said as he entered the room.
“So true.” Dawn just about managed to stifle her yawn with her hand. “I’d forgotten how difficult the sleep deprivation is.”
“Well Tom and I will happily babysit anytime you like,” Camilla said as she gazed down at her niece.
“Yes, of course we will.” Tom got up and crouched next to Camilla. “She’s perfect.”
Honey felt a bit strange sitting across from the display of adoration. It wasn’t that she didn’t think tiny Alison was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen, because she did, but she was afraid to become too involved in case certain emotions resurfaced. Emotions that she’d been very good at hiding for a long time.
Instead, she looked around the lounge at the chaos. There were piles of gifts as yet unwrapped, pink cards and vases of flowers on every available surface. On the coffee table were rings from mugs, toast crumbs and two empty biscuit packets. Dawn and Rick had evidently been too busy to clean or even open all the baby’s gifts, but they were happy; they had each other and their beautiful family.
From where she was sitting, Tom and Camilla looked as though they could be the adoring parents of the baby and she realised that she could well be seeing a vision of their future. It might not happen, of course, but the way Camilla’s face had softened as she looked at the baby and the way she sighed when the tiny fingers curled around her thumb made her somehow… different. Camilla had always insisted that she’d never be a wife or a mother but now she had Tom and perhaps being in love had changed her perspective on things. Life did take people on unexpected journeys, and it was highly possible that Camilla was heading along a route she’d had no idea she would ever go.
Spring at The Cosy Cottage Cafe: A heart-warming story of friendship and new beginnings Page 4