by Chelle Bliss
Everyone seems to forget about the father of the lost child. I didn’t carry the baby, but I had just as much love and emotion tied up into the loss of it. The Danielle who captured my attention long ago was no longer there; the façade was the same, but her insides had changed forever. She didn’t look at me with the same sparkle, and her face didn’t light up when I walked into the room. I hoped the change of scenery would help put the spark back in our relationship and help us feel like a couple again.
Meet Me in St. Louis ~ Danielle
This had been a mistake. I came to St. Louis without Danielle. I had training and needed to find a place to live while she packed up our belongings. The problem with St. Louis was where I lived and whom I lived with. The house was stuffed with eight guys who all worked for the same company. They left their wives behind for quick money and flew home periodically. It was a frat house filled with temptation.
I bought a work truck and the tools I needed to get the job done. The days were long and grueling out in the elements. I did like the work. I didn’t think I’d like it as much as working sales, but I liked working with my hands and being outdoors. I wasn’t tied to a single space; the city was my workplace.
I missed Danielle, missed our life we had together. I didn’t know where anything was in this fucking city. I had my roadmap and had to study it at every turn. It slowed me down. I kept her and our time together in my thoughts to help me make it through the day.
I was so lost in my daydream driving to my next job I almost missed my exit. I quickly cut across three lanes of traffic to just make it and avoid an extra half hour of driving. Sirens immediately filled the air. I shook my head. Naturally there would be a cop to see me. I pulled off to the side of the exit and rolled down my window.
He approached my truck with his hand on his gun. “Sir, license and registration, please.” I reached over and grabbed my wallet off the seat.
“I’m sorry, officer. I’m new to the city. I didn’t mean to do that.”
“License, please.” He held out his hand and didn’t want to engage in small talk, I guess. I handed him my license and watched him walk away and climb back in his car.
I had a bad feeling about him. He didn’t seem to be the type to give me just a warning. I hoped he would; my license was still registered in Ohio. I hadn’t lied to him. The wait felt like an eternity as he returned with his pad of paper.
“I’m giving you a ticket for reckless driving.” I closed my eyes trying to not let my temper flair. “You can pay it at the police station or go to court.” He tore the yellow piece of paper off the pad and stuck it through the window with my license.
“No warning?”
“No, sir. It was reckless of you to cut across the highway in that manner. You could’ve caused an accident. There is no leniency for that.”
I took the paper and threw it on the front seat. Pissed doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt. I waited for him to return to his car before continuing on my way. I had a full day ahead of me and couldn’t let this get to me.
I got more pissed the more I thought about the fucking ticket. Why can’t some cops ever give a guy a break? I’m just trying to make a living and find my way through this maze of a city. I had four jobs ahead of me and wouldn’t be done until well after dark.
I walked through the door after nine exhausted and dirty from crawling through attics and climbing on roofs. The guys were gathered in the living room and dining room, drinking and eating dinner. Everyone finished late and came home starving and thankful the day was over.
“Drink, Kayden?” one of the guys asked. I thought about it for a moment. I had a couple of drinks here and there, but tonight, it was the only thing I wanted to do; I needed it.
“Yeah, I’ll take one.” I watched as he filled the cup with more Jack than Coke. I drank it quicker than I planned. My thirst and hunger for the buzz overcame my will power. I’m weak and have no other excuse.
The night slipped away, and my cup was never empty. These guys could drink in volume. Most of them walked through the door at night with their gas station cups already infused with liquor. Work all day, drink all night, and repeat. That is the life of a cable guy, and I felt myself slipping into the pattern.
I opened my eyes to a blaring light above my bed. I don’t remember coming into my bedroom or falling asleep; I just remember laughing and drinking. The alarm was blasting in the room, and everyone was starting to move around the apartment. I looked at my phone; I’d missed five calls from Danielle.
The phone rang four times before I heard her sleepy voice, “Hello.”
“Baby, sorry I missed your calls last night,” I closed my eyes and waited for her response.
I could hear her exhale into the receiver, but it wasn’t a happy sound. “What the fuck happened to you last night, Kayden? You always call me.”
“I’m sorry. I got home so late from work, and the guys were sitting around talking. I fell asleep.”
“Were you drinking?”
I swallowed hard and thought about lying, but I just couldn’t do it. “I had one.”
“Which means you had five, Kayden. You’ve never fallen asleep and forgot to call me. I thought you were with someone else and not passed out in bed.”
“I fucked up, babe. I wasn’t with anyone. I’m only yours. I need to be with you. It’s been too long since I’ve touched you. When will you be here?” I wanted to change the subject.
“I’ll be there next week. Is the apartment going to be ready?”
“Yes, I have it all set up with the landlord. It’s furnished, so we just need our personal stuff. It’s not fancy, but I don’t care as long as you’re with me.”
“I’m leaving on Sunday, so I should be there Monday or Tuesday. Depends on how far I can drive.”
“Do you want me to fly home and drive you here?”
“No, I’m good. I’m a big girl, Kayden.” She said it with such a sassy tone I was taken aback, and it wasn’t sexy at all.
“I know you are, babe. I just want to see you.”
“I’ll be there soon. Don’t forget to call me tonight, got it?”
“I’ll call right when I get home from work, I promise.”
The phone clicked, and all that was left was quiet air. She hung up on me, and I knew I was in trouble; I had a lot of groveling to do to make things right.
I never fully grieved the loss of our baby when I was with Danielle – I had to be strong for my wife. My time in St. Louis without Danielle was a disaster. I fell back into easy habits, back into Jack. I couldn’t stop myself without her there to remind me of what I had instead of what I’d lost. I hoped when she came to me that we’d be healed, and our new home would make us whole again.
I didn’t forget to call Danielle after that night. I called her every evening as soon as I walked in the door. Did I continue to drink? Yes, the temptation was too great, and my loneliness almost strangled me. The days were too long not to fill my nights with liquor. I counted the days, hours, and minutes until I’d hold her in my arms again.
She called me along the way to tell me how far she’d driven. I stopped in the morning and grabbed the key to our apartment and did a quick walk through. She’d be here around noon, and it couldn’t get here fast enough. I constantly checked my watch; time ticked away slowly, and I wasn’t a patient man. I sat on the steps to the building waiting for her.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw her pull into the parking lot. My girl was finally here. I tried to walk casually up to her truck, but I couldn’t walk slowly, the excitement overcame me. She opened the door and started to climb out when I grabbed her and held her in my arms. I inhaled the scent of her hair, a smell I had missed at night when lying in my bed. “God, I’ve missed you.” I kissed her lips not waiting for her response. I smothered her with my kiss, not wanting to pull away. She wrapped her arms around me and held on to me like a lifeline. I lingered on her lips before backing away slowly.
“I missed
you, too, Kayden,” she said with a smile on her face. She looked like the Danielle I met in the club, the one full of life and happy. “Should we unpack now?”
I held her hand and kissed the top, running my lips across the soft skin, “No, sweetheart. I want to show you our place. I need some time alone with you before we start working.”
“Show me the way, handsome.”
The apartment walls were covered in white, and the furniture was comfy, but it lacked personality. “It’s nice,” she said as she looked around the space. The kitchen was a decent size for an apartment with plenty of counter space and light wood cabinets. It was a complete blank slate, just like our relationship in St. Louis.
I grabbed Danielle and threw her on the couch. I couldn’t wait another moment to make love to my wife. “Kayden,” she squealed as her body bounced. I stripped off my shirt and threw it across the room.
She started to laugh, “Wow, excited, tiger?”
“You’ll see how much.” My cock strained against the fabric of my jeans, wanting to break free. I unzipped my pants slowly humming a tune and gyrating my hips performing a mini striptease. I swirled my hips before pulling my pants down at a slow rate until my cock sprang free. I ached to be inside her. I kicked off my pants and pounced on her, ripping the clothes from her body.
“Kayden, stop,” she said in a weak voice with words I know she didn’t mean. I didn’t listen. I started to kiss her neck and feverishly undid her pants. I used my feet to move them down her legs and out of the way. I pulled her body down and laid her flat on her back. I wanted to look into her eyes while I made love to her. I wasted no time, rubbing my cock against her wetness before slamming it into her.
“Fuck, you feel amazing,” I moaned. I grabbed her legs and folded her up, pushing her knees against her chest. I needed to be deeper inside her.
“I fucking love your cock.”
“Take all of me,” I said as I slammed back into her, nudging her cervix. Danielle liked it rough and fast.
I didn’t last long. The weeks apart were too great for me to bare and tugging it myself while apart didn’t help prolong my release and she came when I did. I collapsed on top of her, and we lay there together catching our breath.
I kissed her forehead and lingered over her face a moment. “You’re so beautiful, Danielle. I don’t ever want to be apart like that again.”
“It seemed like forever, never again, I promise.”
We drifted off to sleep for a bit, just a cat nap. I couldn’t help it with her in my arms. My bed had been so lonely and cold. We spent the rest of the day unpacking and eating Chinese food and talking about St. Louis.
“I’ll start looking for a job tomorrow after I’m finished unpacking.”
“Okay, babe. I have to work tomorrow, but I can cut my day short. I’m done with training and on my own now. I can work however many hours I want and need.” I chewed the noodles that were laced with curry.
“There seems to be a lot around here. I’m sure I can find something pretty quick. I don’t want to sit here alone all day.”
“Want to go walk around a bit and see what’s close by? Let’s take a break from unpacking. It doesn’t need to all get done right away, love.”
“Great idea.” She said with noodles hanging out of her mouth.
We walked the neighborhood and grabbed a cup of coffee down the street to keep us warm. I held her hand and never let go during our walk. I felt complete with her by my side.
Danielle found a job at a small bar down the street. The tips weren’t as great as the place in Cleveland, but it filled her days and made her happy. I made great money, more than I did as an assistant manager at the cellphone store. I would drink when I was home alone at night. It was the worst part of her job, working evenings. Our time together began to be minimal over the following weeks. I’d feel her crawl into bed and wrap her arms around me. Sometimes I’d hear her sniff me, trying to smell the alcohol that was undoubtedly on my breath.
Danielle didn’t drink anymore, but she still smoked pot; we’d smoked it together since coming to St. Louis. I only smoked it with her, preferring to turn to my drink of choice instead. I was happy that Danielle was with me, but the invisible distance between us didn’t disappear. She wasn’t entirely whole; she had lost more than a child that day.
I walked into the cable warehouse to grab my supplies and tried to think of ways to get it back, our love, the groove, the thing that drove me to her to begin with.
“Kayden,” my boss yelled across the warehouse.
“Yo.” I turned and headed in the direction of the voice.
“Get your ass over here, now.” He usually wasn’t so demanding and rarely yelled.
“What’s up, boss?” I walked up to his office door and saw a police officer inside waiting in a chair. “What happened?” I’d never seen a cop here before.
“You, kid. Do you remember getting a ticket a while back?” he stared at me.
My mouth instantly went dry, “I do now, but shit, I forgot all about it.”
“Well the cops haven’t. You missed your court date and a warrant was issued for your arrest, Kayden.” He shook his head in total disbelief.
“Fuck, I totally forgot about it. Can’t I just pay the fine or some shit?”
“I don’t know; you’d have to ask him,” he motioned to the man waiting in his office.
“Damn it! This is the last fucking thing I need right now.”
My boss knocked on the window and the cop stood up and walked out of the tiny room. “Mr. Michaels?”
“Yes,” I answered.
“There’s a warrant for your arrest. I need to take you in, son.” I wanted to ask if this was the best use of law enforcement time, but I kept that tidbit to myself.
“Can’t I pay the fine or something? I have a big day of work ahead of me. This will put me behind.” The thought of having to spend countless hours at the police station made my stomach twist.
“Sorry, you’ll have to come with me. I can read you your rights outside to avoid any further embarrassment.”
Well thank God for small miracles, who needs embarrassment? Everyone already overheard our conversation and knew what was happening. He didn’t spare me anything with his generous offer.
He followed me outside, read me my rights and placed me in the back of the police cruiser. Danielle would be livid with me, and I dreaded having to make that phone call. This wasn’t an easy in and out, arrest means I’d have to go in front of the judge. I knew the routine all too well.
It took hours to have my fingerprints completed, go through booking, and get a fresh set of itchy jail clothing to wear. I’d see the judge at nine am tomorrow morning, and I’d find out if I could pay a fine and be released. This was ridiculous for a simple traffic ticket. Missing court wasn’t intentional on my part; I simply forgot about the entire incident. I had to call Danielle and break the news to her.
“Danielle, baby?”
“What’s up, Kayden? I was just leaving for work.” She sounded like she was rushing around as I heard glasses clinking together.
“I have a tiny problem.” I wanted to puke having to tell her this; how can I say it without her getting mad at me? I couldn’t think of anything, totally blank.
“What now?” The now was drawn out and snarky.
“Um, well, I forgot to pay a ticket that I got when I first moved here. The cops were at my work this morning, and I’m in jail waiting to see the judge.”
“What the fuck? Are you serious?”
“Baby, I wouldn’t kid about something like this. I swear to God.”
“God, you can be such a fucking train wreck at times. How do you forget to pay a fucking ticket?” I could almost hear the venom in her voice. Danielle was the type who typically got quiet when she was pissed off but not today.
“I don’t know. I just did. I swear it wasn’t intentional, babe.” I rested my head against the pay phone.
“Jesus Christ! I mean rea
lly, Kayden? How can you be so damn forgetful?” she yelled into the phone almost blasting out my eardrums. I held the phone away from my ear to let her finish. “Oh yeah, probably because you were too busy drinking Jack than running down after work to pay your fucking fine.”
“I’m sorry! What else can I say?” I felt like a child – tiny and stupid. “I fucked up, babe. Now I have to sit in jail until tomorrow. I didn’t want this to happen.”
“When do you see the judge?”
“Nine am tomorrow morning and then I’ll be home.”
“I’ll be there to get you.” With that, the phone clicked, and she was gone.
There was anger and a hatred that I never heard in her voice before. Danielle wasn’t the most put together and organized person. I thought she’d understand and maybe even laugh at me, but I never expected the amount of anger that I felt slap me in the face.
I was thankful when morning came, and I walked into the court room. The night seemed to drag on, and I was cold and lonely without Danielle. I saw her sitting in the court room, and I smiled when she looked at me, but I didn’t get a smile in return. The smile quickly left my face and worry filled my insides. A knot formed in my stomach as I waited for my name to be called.
“Mr. Michaels?” The bailiff called out to the crowd.
I rose to my feet and approached the small podium in handcuffs. “Here, judge.”
“Mr. Michaels, you stand before me now because you failed to appear before me for a traffic violation.”
“Yes, sir.” I swallowed hard, and my mouth grew dry just by the look of him. He didn’t look friendly or forgiving.
“You were cited with reckless driving, and there is a heavy fine associated with the offense.” He riffled through his paperwork before speaking again, “You’ll serve three days in jail, Mr. Michaels, for failure to appear and pay a five hundred dollar fine for the reckless driving charge.”
I stood there trying to process the words. Three days in jail. I wouldn’t be getting out today. “Judge, I forgot about the ticket, please. I have a job and a wife, please.”