by Vicki Grant
Reverend Muncaster patted her back and went, “No, no, no, no, no, Claire. It’s not your fault. I’m sure you didn’t mean to upset her. You know how hard it can be to talk about. She’ll be fine. One of our guys will find her. My guess is she just needs some alone time.”
And that’s when it dawned on me why Raylene must have wanted to rent a brother.
I felt kind of cold and goosebumpy. My eyes stung around the rims. I didn’t feel so mad at her anymore.
Part of me wanted to go look for her and see if she was okay, but, by then, Dad and Sharon were in the lobby and bugging me to leave, so I did.
I had a feeling that’s what Raylene would have wanted.
CHAPTER 20
Albertina somehow managed to get my cell phone number. She called the next afternoon. She had another big case she needed help with.
Before I had time to decide whether it was a good idea to get dragged into one of her schemes again, she went, “Meet me outside the Professional Centre in fifteen. I’ll be parked in the usual place. The girl’s coming too . . . Oh, yeah, and forget about being home for dinner.” Then she hung up.
Dad was meeting some guy about being best man at his wedding. I knew he wouldn’t be home for dinner either. I threw on some cleanish clothes and made sure I’d gotten the strawberry-blond goo out of my eyebrows.
The girl.
I’d thought about Raylene non-stop since I’d heard what the Mouse Lady said at Bounce Back. I was scared to see her again. I was scared she’d be sad, or angry, or different, or that I wouldn’t know what to say.
I hoped I looked okay.
I ran all the way to the Professional Centre. Just like Albertina said, her lime-green subcompact was parked in its usual spot, humping the fire hydrant. I climbed in the front seat. She was busy reattaching her left eyelash, so she pretty much ignored me. Raylene showed up a couple minutes later. It looked like she’d had to run to get there too.
“So what’s this one about?” she said, and stretched out in the back seat, panting, smiling, giving me a little punch hello in the shoulder. Same as ever. I gave her a little punch back and tried not to smile too hard.
Albertina put that crazy-eyed Joker-in-drag face on again. She slammed the car into gear and pulled into traffic. The whole time, she was looking in her purse for something.
“Here,” she said and threw a brochure at me. “Take a gander at this.”
It was a flyer advertising the opening of a new restaurant called Lorenzo’s at the Chebucto Mall. I took a look and shrugged. It had everything you’d expect: pictures of pretty people eating, a message from the owner, lots of stuff about free-range, local, Grade A, whatever.
“So?” I said.
“So?!” Dangerous lane change. Lots of honking and raised fingers. “This is the big one, kiddies!”
“I thought Janie was the big one.” Raylene was leaning in between the two front seats.
“Different kind of big. This is the man who started my whole career. I thought he’d never show his face around here again. Must have figured I’d be dead by now. Ha! I’ll show him dead!”
“Who is he?” I asked.
She tapped the picture of a guy on the back of the flyer, and I read the name. “Lorenzo Martinelli?”
That got a bark. “Close. Wade Schmidt. He’s packed on the blubber but I’d recognize him anywhere. I see him every day of my life. That’s the face I aim at when I blow my nose. That’s the body I shove into the trash bag on garbage day. That’s the head I crush when—”
“He rip off a bunch of old people or something?” Raylene cut her off before we got any more grisly details.
“They weren’t old when he started, but they sure as hell were by the time he was done with them. The lives that guy ruined. Made off with a ton of money. And now he has the nerve to come back here with his fine dining experience. I’m going fricassee his ass.”
The mall was packed that day, so Albertina had to park miles from the restaurant. She got out of the car, then made me help her into the wheelchair. That might just have been part of her act, but who knows? She looked tired, although she sure sounded like her old self.
“Saw the flyer yesterday and immediately called up an old buddy of mine. Don’s been trying to get Schmidt almost as long as I have. His ears sure perked up when he heard that snake was at it again. Said there’d been rumours Schmidt was up to some funny business. Said he’d dig around for new dirt and get back to me ASAP.”
She took a big breath and smiled. “You know, whenever I feel like I’m getting soft, I do some work on the Schmidt-head inquiry and—hoo, boy!—I’m spitting mad again in no time. Ahhh, nothing like a little undiluted evil to get the blood flowing. Better than any of those useless pills Randy keeps fobbing off on me, that’s for damn sure.”
Lorenzo’s had a corner space at the mall with fancy wooden doors facing the parking lot. A big banner said, “Try our opening week specials!” We checked the menu and went in, even though the prices were definitely out of my range. (If Albertina’s nano-apartment and the fact that Raylene didn’t even have a cell phone were anything to go by, I’d say they were out of theirs too.)
“Don’t worry,” Albertina said when I mentioned it. “We’re not going to be paying for the meal.” That didn’t make me feel any better. Dine ’n’ dash with Albertina. Not even in my worst nightmares had I considered that possibility.
We got a table and Albertina made us order the three most expensive things on the menu.
While we were waiting, she pushed the flyer at me. “Hold your nose and read this. I can only presume advertorial is Italian for BS.”
I started reading out loud. Raylene peered at the flyer over my shoulder. It was like she was giving off pure carbon monoxide or something. I could hear my brain cells clunking on the floor, little black x’s for eyes, birds chirping around their heads, goofy lovestruck smiles on their faces. I had to concentrate just to get the words out.
“‘Success in the corporate world, of course, is gratifying,’ says the renowned restaurateur and philanthropist, ‘but it’s nothing compared to giving back to the community. Over the years, I’ve—’”
“Stop. Stop. Thought I could handle it, but I can’t. One more word, and so help me, I’ll flip my cookies.” Albertina didn’t look like she was joking. She was pale and splotchy and damp around the forehead. I figured too much excitement for one day. The other old people I knew always had a nap after activity hour.
She started doing that panting thing she’d done in the pharmacy, but this time, it wasn’t for her pills.
“That’s him. That’s him!” She jabbed her head towards the back of the restaurant.
I was getting a bit of that buzz myself. A little nervous. A little excited. Raylene was biting her lip and laughing. My guess is she was feeling that way too.
I turned around as if I were checking out the decor. A guy in a dark suit was shaking hands with a bunch of other guys in dark suits. “Which one?”
“Bowling ball on chicken legs.”
I looked again. Suraj couldn’t have said it better.
“Cam, pass your phone.” Albertina snapped her fingers at me. “Your phone! I got to get this.”
I handed it to her, but by the time she figured out that you have to a) touch the video icon to b) start recording, Lorenzo had disappeared and the waiter was at the table with our meals.
Raylene had the lobster, Albertina had the scampi (which is apparently just a fancy name for shrimp), and I had the capon (which is apparently just a fancy name for chicken).
“You mean, castrated chicken,” Raylene said, then shrugged. “Random fact.” We both laughed.
“Do these smell funny to you?” Albertina said in a loud voice. The people at the next table turned and looked. She held out her plate to them and scrunched up her nose. “Get a whiff of that, would ya? I mean, woohoo! Something’s funky. What about you? How you liking the food? It’s a little . . .” She wobbled her hand back and fort
h. “Don’t you think?”
They made some embarrassed mumbles, then went back to picking at their meals. Albertina tried the same shtick with the people on the other side. They were polite enough, but asked the waiter to move them to another table next time he wandered by. He was a long, skinny guy with a nose to match. The crow-eye he gave us when he had to reset their table totally cracked Raylene up.
I couldn’t figure out what Albertina was complaining about. I actually found the food pretty good. But then again, anything I don’t have to scrape mould off feels like fine dining to me.
Albertina barely touched her scampi.
“Want some of mine?” I said. I still had a whole leg left.
She went, “Ugh. Pfft,” which I took to mean no. She wiped her forehead with her napkin. Half her face came off with it.
“Y’okay?” Raylene reached out to touch her hand but she batted it away.
“Too much yackety-yack from you guys, not to mention that stinking shrimp.” She straightened her wig. “Think I may need my pills. Why don’t you two go get them for me? They’re in the car.”
“I’ll stay here with you,” Raylene said.
“No, git! I mean it.” She pulled her giant key chain out of her purse and shook it in my face until I took it. “It’ll take both you numbskulls to find the car and make it back here alive. Now, out of my way. I’m going to figure out how this thing works if it kills me.”
We left her pushing random icons on my phone and swearing. “And do me a favour. Don’t hurry back. I need some jeezly me-time.”
When we got outside, Raylene turned to me and said, “You know the one thing I hate more than a creep?”
I’d almost forgotten how irritating she could be.
“A creep who can’t run.”
She took off across the parking lot. I took off too. Even in the boots, she was pretty fast, but I still got there first.
CHAPTER 21
We looked everywhere in the car, but the only interesting discovery we made was that Albertina had a nasty animal-cracker habit. Under all the other junk, the floor was littered with three-legged rhinos and decapitated monkeys. There were bunches of files too, a few more pictures of Eldon, and what I thought was a venomous tropical insect but turned out to be a spare set of false eyelashes. (I don’t care what Raylene said. She’d have screamed too if she’d found it clamped onto her groin.)
After about ten minutes, we gave up on the search and started walking back to the restaurant. “I bet the pills are in that massive purse of hers,” I said. “That thing scares me. Wouldn’t be surprised to find body parts in there too.”
“Got to put ’em somewhere,” Raylene said. “And she might have a few more by the time we get back. I bet this was just some scam she dreamed up to get us out of there. She was probably planning a kamikaze attack on poor old Lorenzo and didn’t want us to get splattered. I mean, you know how considerate she is and everything.”
That made me laugh. I could totally picture Albertina going after that little dough ball. She’d eradicate him. Raylene and I spent the rest of the walk across the parking lot pondering some of the moves she might use on him. (The naked-flaming-body-slam was my personal favourite.)
I couldn’t remember the last time I was so happy. I managed to talk Raylene into playing with a puppy we found sticking his nose out a car window for a while. I told her it was to give Albertina her “jeezly me-time,” but really what I was doing was getting some Raylene-time for myself.
When we got back to the restaurant twenty minutes later, people were pouring out the door. Security guards in black uniforms and modified mullets were directing everyone away from the building and onto the sidewalks. Something was happening. It was sort of exciting.
“You were kidding about the kamikaze thing, weren’t you?” I said.
“That’s not funny.” Raylene crossed her hands on her collarbone and looked at me with big eyes.
We pushed our way over to one of the guards. “What’s going on?” I said. “Why’s everyone leaving?”
“There’s been a medical emergency. You’re going to have to move back.”
“Can we go in? Our”—I didn’t even have to think about it—“grandmother’s in there.”
“Sorry. You’ll have to move back. She’ll be coming out like everyone else. Please. Step. Back.”
People were standing around with their hands over their mouths. One lady was leaning against her friend, sobbing. Parents with fake smiles on their faces were rushing little kids back to cars. An ambulance pulled up and the crowd split to let it pass. Guys ran in with a stretcher.
A couple minutes later, they came back out. They weren’t moving so fast any more. A blanket was draped over the stretcher. All you could see of the body was a little tuft of tangerine hair sticking out the top.
CHAPTER 22
When I was twelve, Dad went out with this lady named Kim. Kim Egerton. She was really nice. The type of person who would have fallen in love with him even if he hadn’t lost the weight or had all the dental work done. She taught little kids with learning disabilities so she was kind of perfect for us. Fun, but no pushover. Her snacks were excellent and she always made sure we had everything back in its proper place before we watched TV.
I was crazy about her, and so was Dad.
I was pretty sure she was going to move in with us. She was around all the time. Then this one night, I woke up. Maybe I heard noises or maybe I was thirsty. I don’t remember but it was late, I know that. I stumbled into the living room. Dad and Kim jumped up off the futon all red-faced and embarrassed. I thought I’d caught them at it or something.
Dad went, “What are you doing up at this hour?” The squeak in his voice was just so hilarious I started going, “Dad and Kimmy, up a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love . . .”
Things went kind of nuts after that.
Dad lunged at me as if I’d said the F-word at a baptism or something. Then Kim was bolting the other way, her hands over her face and her legs kind of clumsy and flailing, and the door was opening and slamming shut and Dad was hustling me into my room, and then she was gone. It probably took all of ten seconds.
I was back in bed with the lights out and the blankets up around my ears before I could decipher what my sleepy little lizard brain had picked up right away. The look on Dad’s face. The look on hers. The tears.
Kim was gone. Like, for good. I never found out exactly what had happened, but it was clearly over. I could hear Dad swearing quietly in the living room.
It was the same this time. I saw the orange hair and I just knew. I probably even knew before that. I bet I knew as soon as I saw the security guards. My mind might not have, but the skin on the back of my neck sure did.
I just sort of stood there in the crowd like I was a specimen in a glass jar with everything swirling round me at half-speed. The paramedics, the people from the restaurant, the random gawkers who suddenly swarmed the parking lot as if someone had just kicked an anthill. Nothing was quite real.
Albertina is gone.
It had taken me weeks to believe that Kim had left. I’d kept hoping sitcom rules would apply and everything would be okay. Just before the final commercial on our little DIY episode of One and A Half Men, she’d walk back in the door and there would be hugs and kisses and delicious snacks at a clean kitchen table again. It didn’t happen that way, of course.
I understood that right away with Albertina but of course Albertina was no Kim. I mean, I barely knew her. And I’m older now too. I get it. Things don’t always work out the way they’re supposed to. You just make the best of it until the worst happens, and then you do it all over again. But still. Albertina was dead, but somewhere Kim was alive and getting on with her life. This time it was forever.
I watched the paramedics heave themselves into the ambulance and drive away. After a while, things sped up to normal, and cars honked and sounds came out again when people moved their mouths to say something.
�
�That was her,” I finally said.
Raylene nodded. Her arms were on either side of me like she was hugging a harp.
“She’s dead,” I said. “They covered her up.”
Raylene turned her face into my chest and nodded again.
I thought of suicide and her brother—and if that’s what had happened to him, how much worse this must be for her than me. I tried to say the right thing.
“She was sick. It’s a blessing. She’s not suffering anymore.” I didn’t really believe that. It was just Almost Family stuff. Stuff people say at funerals. Stuff I’d memorized.
“It was so fast.” Raylene squeegeed the tears off her face with the back of her hand.
“That’s good, isn’t it?” I said. “You wouldn’t want it to have dragged on.”
“I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I never get to say goodbye.”
Raylene shook her head and did some weird thing with her mouth, then kind of burrowed back into my chest. Maybe she’d been right and I was a creep, but I sort of stopped thinking about Albertina or dead brothers and just concentrated on Raylene’s arms and face and that bare strip of her stomach against my side.
We were still standing like that when the security guard showed up.
“This is them, Officer,” he said. He’d brought a cop with him.
Raylene jumped away from me.
CHAPTER 23
Raylene stopped crying. The cop was nice. We explained Albertina was our grandmother, or at least sort of our grandmother but not really, and he just nodded like yeah, okay. Those guys have seen everything.
He said, “You want to sit?” We said, “No,” then he said, “Sure? You had an awful shock.” But we said, “It’s all right” so he asked us her name and where she lived, then he said we should call our parents. I told him Albertina had my phone so he went and found it in the restaurant for me.