by Sue Horsford
“Faye,” she said, smiling in welcome.
How the hell was I going to explain this?
“Barbara, this is my sister, Ginny, you know, the one who used to go out with Gabriel,” I said, looking at her meaningfully and hoping she’d somehow develop the ability to read minds.
Apparently, she had. “Ginny, how lovely to meet you,” she said.
Ginny just stared at her blankly. “Who’s this?” she asked, addressing me and ignoring Barbara.
“This is Barbara, Gabriel’s mother,” I said, getting a perverse sort of satisfaction out of seeing Ginny flush with embarrassment.
Hurriedly, she tried to backtrack. “Oh, hello,” she gushed, “I didn’t realize you and my sister knew each other.” She threw me a puzzled glance.
“Faye and I met when I came to the center where she works,” said Barbara smoothly. “She brought Gabriel and I back together again. Don’t be cross with her for not telling you. I asked her not to tell anyone.”
“Oh, right, I see.” Ginny shifted her weight from one foot to the other impatiently. “Is Gabriel at home?”
“He’s in his studio. I’ll give him a call.” She went to the bottom of the stairs and called up to him, “Gabriel, you have visitors.”
He came down then he stopped in surprise as he saw Ginny and I standing awkwardly in the hall. I’d never called around unannounced before, and so I’d never seen the everyday Gabriel. His faded jeans and khaki army jumper gave him a homely appearance that was added to by a pair of wire-rimmed glasses and moccasin slippers with no socks. He looked rumpled and cozy and I wanted to run to him and snuggle into his chest before his world changed forever, and mine along with it.
“Ginny, Faye, to what do I owe this pleasure?” he asked, looking quizzically at me.
Ginny drew in her breath. “I’ve got something to tell you, Gabriel.” Her voice trembled. “I’m pregnant.”
Gabriel blinked several times, but otherwise showed no emotion. “I see,” he said.
“It’s yours,” she said.
Gabriel gave her a wintry smile. “Well, why else would you be here?” He was almost eerily calm. This unnerved Ginny more than if he’d lost his temper with her. “I was under the impression you were on the pill,” he said.
“Yes, well, accidents happen.” She gave a nervous laugh.
“Evidently.” He took off his glasses and polished them on his jumper. No one spoke for a long moment, then Gabriel said, “Well, you can tell the child support agency or whoever it is nowadays that when the time comes, I’ll pay whatever’s expected of me.”
“Oh. Well, good, er…thank you.”
The conversation was not going as Ginny had planned. She’d obviously prepared herself for some sort of row and this cool politeness of Gabriel’s had completely wrong-footed her.
“No need to thank me. I don’t see why the taxpayer should have to foot the bill for our mistake.” He placed an almost imperceptible emphasis on the last word, and Ginny flushed but didn’t respond. “So, if that’s everything,” he said, “I really do have a lot to do today.”
I realized we were being dismissed and I nudged Ginny to go. Barbara opened the front door for us and I turned back to look at Gabriel, but he was already on his way back upstairs.
At the door, Barbara touched Ginny’s shoulder. “I’m here for you if you need me, Ginny.”
“Thanks,” Ginny said without looking at her.
Back in the car, she sat very quietly, and I tried to put my own grief aside and play the part of the concerned older sister. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so.” She gave a weak smile. “Not quite what I was expecting.”
“Well, for God’s sake, Ginny, what did you expect? He was never going to crack open a bottle of champagne and start handing round cigars, was he?” She didn’t seem to hear the bitterness in my voice.
“Maybe he just needs some time to get used to the idea,” she said, hope brightening her face for a moment.”
I couldn’t believe her willingness to deceive herself. “Just what is it you want from him? Are you waiting for him to propose? You’ll have a long wait.”
She stared off into the distance. “Have you seen much of him lately?”
“Well, I’ve been round a few times to see Barbara,” I lied.
“Do you know if he’s seeing anyone?”
I swallowed hard, but she didn’t wait for me to reply.
“Because he may decide he wants to be a part of this baby’s life.” She turned to face me and her expression was eager, almost excited. “You can’t say he won’t, Faye, you don’t know him well enough for that. And if we’re to have any chance of a future together, I need him to be single.”
I was silent for a moment. “Barbara’s nice, isn’t she?” I said at last.
“Do you think so? She didn’t seem to like me.”
“Don’t be silly. She just told you she’d be there for you.”
“Yeah, only because I’m carrying her grandchild. Mind you, she could come in handy, couldn’t she? I could get friendly with her and use her as a go-between.”
The thought of Barbara’s sweet nature being taken advantage of for Ginny’s convenience made my hackles rise.
“Can you take me home now, please,” I said.
“Oh, aren’t you coming to Mum’s with me to tell her my news?”
“No. That one you can do by yourself.”
Paul was sitting on the stairs putting his shoes on. “I was just about to go shopping,” he said, as if our earlier conversation had never happened. “Do you want to come with me?”
I smiled weakly. “No, I’ve got a bit of a headache. I think I’ll have a lie-down.”
I held it together until I was alone in our bedroom and Paul drove away, then I threw myself down on the bed and sobbed and screamed into my pillow until every last tear had been wrenched out of me before falling into an exhausted sleep.
By the time I awoke, it was late afternoon. All emotion seemed to have drained away from me, as if I’d never feel anything again. This was only what I deserved. What the hell had I been thinking? Did I seriously believe I was going to live happily ever after with my sister’s ex-boyfriend? I’d as good as stolen Gabriel from Ginny and now she’d snatched him back from me. But whatever happened now with Gabriel, I had to accept that my life with Paul was over. I had no right to share a bed with him when all he was to me was second best. Paul didn’t deserve that. He deserved better than a two-timing bitch for a wife. I couldn’t tell him tonight, though. I’d had enough emotion for one day. All I wanted to do now was to fall back into a deep sleep and wake up to find that today had all been a dream.
Chapter Eighteen
The next morning the sky was dark with rain, and gloom seemed to permeate the whole house. Despite the weather and despite the conversation we’d started yesterday, or perhaps because of it, Paul went fishing, and I wandered around the house, sick with indecision. Should I phone Gabriel or was it best to wait for him to make the first move? Would he ever make the first move? Would he put the phone down on me if I rang or, worse still, speak to me with the same icy politeness he’d used with Ginny yesterday?
I was pacing up and down the kitchen with the phone in my hand, trying to pluck up the courage to dial his number, when the doorbell rang. If it was Ginny, I really could do without it today.
I opened the door to see Barbara standing there.
“Can we talk?”
“Come in,” I said. I led the way into the kitchen and Barbara took a seat at the table.
“Does Gabriel know you’re here?” I said, pouring hot water into two cups.
“He dropped me off outside.”
I put the kettle down, suddenly faint with fear. “Are you here to tell me it’s over between me and Gabriel?”
“Faye, do you really think that’s Gabriel’s style? Don’t you think he’s man enough to tell you something like that face to face?”
“So why didn’t he come himself, th
en?” I handed her a cup of tea.
“Thank you, dear. To be honest with you, Gabriel hasn’t discussed what happened yesterday at all and I know better than to force the issue. I just told him I wanted to come here to see you today and see if you were all right. He said he’d drop me off. He didn’t say anything else, but, from his manner, I’d say he thought me coming to see you was a good idea.”
“I don’t know what to do for the best,” I said, my eyes filling with tears. “How can there be any future for me with Gabriel now?”
“Well, I’m a great believer in love, Faye. If two people love each other, they should be able to get through anything, don’t you think?”
“But that’s just it. I love Gabriel with all my heart, but he…” I shrugged. “Sometimes I think he does care, but then, at other times, he can be so cold. It’s all just so messy now. How could Gabriel still want to be with me, knowing my sister is carrying his baby? And once it’s born, every time he looks at me, he’s going to be reminded of him or her. Maybe it’s better if I just leave them to it.” Bile rose in my throat at the words.
“That’s not just your decision, though, is it? You need to discuss this with Gabriel, give him a chance to tell you how he feels.” She reached into her handbag and handed me a tissue.
I took it from her gratefully and blew my nose. “We…we don’t really discuss feelings. Well, not Gabriel’s feelings anyway.”
“Maybe you should start.”
I peered at her from reddened eyes. “You surprise me, Barbara. I’d have thought you’d be keen for Gabriel and Ginny to make a go of things, especially with your religion and everything.”
She gave a snort of laughter. “My faith has taught me a lot, but my marriage taught me a lot more. I only met your sister briefly, but I could tell she’d never make Gabriel happy. And that’s all I want, Faye, for my son to be happy. Please, just talk to him.”
“All right. Will you tell him I’ll call in to see him tomorrow?”
“I’ll make myself scarce,” she promised. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather see him tonight?”
“There’s something else I have to do tonight. It’s something I have to do before I see Gabriel.”
When Paul came home, I sat him down straight away and I told him I was leaving him. It wasn’t just something I needed to get out of my system. No amount of adventures would change how I felt. Our marriage was over. I knew I was burning my bridges, but I needed to sort out at least one area of my life before I could start dealing with the others. If it did turn out there was no chance of a future with Gabriel, then I didn’t want the temptation of staying with Paul just because there was nothing else for me. That would be cowardly and Paul deserved better.
“Where will you go?” he asked me.
“I don’t know yet. I may stay at Steph’s for a while, or I may go away.”
“I’m not just going to blindly accept this, you know,” he said. “If you decide at some point you’ve made the wrong decision, I’ll still be here.”
“I’m not going to change my mind,” I said. “Get on with your life, Paul. Find some nice girl and be happy.”
“I thought I had done. Are you going to ask me for a divorce?”
“No. I mean, I haven’t even thought that far.”
He smiled. “Well, as far as I’m concerned, until you divorce me, you’re still my wife. You know where I am if you need me.”
My throat constricted. How had it come to this? Me and Paul, we’d thought it was for keeps. Hadn’t we said as much? Till death do us part? Had I really believed the words as I’d said them? I couldn’t remember now.
“I’ll leave as soon as I can,” I said. “I don’t want to drag things out.”
“There’s no hurry for you to leave,” he said. “I’ll move back into the spare room for now.”
“Take some unpaid leave,” Kay said when I phoned her the next day to say I’d have to hand in my notice. “I’ll keep your job open for three months.”
I thanked her then called a taxi to take me to Gabriel’s. While I was waiting, I thought about what she’d said. It was kind of her to offer, but I didn’t think I’d be going back there. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
When I arrived at Gabriel’s house, he opened the door to me and we stood awkwardly in the hall, unsure of what to say to each other. I wanted so much for him to hold me, but I didn’t even know if we were in that place anymore.
“Coffee?” he asked.
“Do you have anything stronger?”
He turned and walked through to the kitchen. “Is wine okay?”
“That’s fine.”
I sat at the kitchen table while he opened a bottle of Merlot, then waited until he’d sat with me before beginning to speak. “Gabriel, I’m so sorry about Ginny.”
He looked me in the eye for the first time. “Just tell me one thing, was this an accident or did she do it deliberately?”
I nodded miserably. “She came off the pill about a year ago.”
“And did you know?”
“I knew she was desperate to have children, but I swear to you, Gabriel, as far as I knew, she was taking her pill.”
He sighed. “That first night, she told me she was allergic to latex. I had a condom in my wallet but I’d never had to buy latex-free before. Then she told me she was on the pill and I just thought…” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have been such an idiot. I obviously had my brain in my pants at the time. Then afterwards, I just thought, well we’ve done it once without a condom, where’s the harm?” He frowned. “We’ve been having unprotected sex, too, Faye.”
“Well, I am on the pill.”
He nodded. “I believe you, but you won’t be offended if we go back to using condoms, will you? Just to make sure.”
“So you still want to go on seeing me after what’s happened?” I said, hardly daring to believe what I was hearing.
Gabriel looked bewildered. “Why on earth wouldn’t I? I don’t hold you responsible for what your sister’s done.”
“Well, no, but have you decided what you’re going to do about the baby yet?”
“Do about it? I only found out yesterday. Give me a chance to let it sink in.”
“Well, you’ve already said you’re happy to support him or her.”
“I don’t think happy is the word of the day,” he said dryly.
I reached out and touched his hand and, to my immense relief, he took my hand in his.
“Right now,” he said, “the best news I could have is that Ginny is planning to emigrate to Australia.”
“Have you thought about how you’ll feel every time you look at me?” I persisted. I didn’t want to push him into thinking things couldn’t work between us but it was better for him to realize now than at some time in the future. “I will be a part of the baby’s life. I won’t be able to help it. He or she will be my nephew or niece. Have you thought about how you’ll handle that?”
“Christ, Faye! Do you have to make everything so complicated? Whatever happened to living in the moment?”
I blinked away tears. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like talking about the future and I know you don’t like talking about your feelings, but I really do need to know how you feel about me. I have important decisions to make and I can’t make them when you leave me in the dark like this.” Tears rolled down my cheeks now.
Gabriel came over to me. He pulled me to my feet and into his arms. “My poor Faye, I’ve been a total bastard to you, haven’t I? I can’t think why you put up with me.”
“It’s because I love you,” I said, my voice muffled against his chest.
He hugged me to him. “I did warn you when we met that I wasn’t a good bet for any woman, didn’t I? Listen, if that important decision involves whether or not you should leave your husband, all I can say is, don’t do it on my account.”
Well, there was my answer. There was only one thing left to do now before I walked out of Gabriel’s life.
&n
bsp; “My hand’s much better now,” I said. “So, if you want to cane me today…”
Gabriel frowned. “Today, after everything that’s happened?”
“Yes, today. I don’t want it hanging over me. Please, Gabriel.”
I wasn’t sure why I wanted him to cane me. Maybe I wanted just this one last thing from him. Maybe I needed the physical pain to try to mask the emotional pain. Maybe I wanted to watch the marks he made on my body slowly fade, in the hopes that the pain of losing him would fade along with them. Or maybe I just didn’t want to leave him yet.
He held my hand and led me upstairs to the small bedroom. “Take off all your clothes and wait for me.”
He went upstairs to where the implements were kept. As I stood there naked, waiting for my Master for the last time, I was already weeping. A part of me just wanted to stay with him and see what happened. Maybe things could still work out. Stranger things had happened. But the longer I stayed, the worse it would be when the end came, and surely it was better to make the break now.
Gabriel came back in and frowned again when he saw the state I was in. “We don’t need to do this today, sweetheart.”
“Please, Gabriel, please, Sir. I want you to cane me today. Please don’t put it off again.”
“It’s not very nice to have a punishment hanging over you, is it?” he said gently. “Come along, then.” He piled up the pillows in the middle of the bed. “Bend over these pillows, please.”
I did as he said and held my breath, waiting for the first stroke to fall. I thought I’d remembered what the cane felt like, but when the first stroke came, I realized I’d forgotten just how intense it was, how it set my nerve endings on fire and sent shockwaves down into my feet.
“Count,” he said as I was gasping after the first stroke.
“One, Sir.”
He waited for about thirty seconds then he brought the cane down again.
I cried out, “Two, Sir.”
As he caned me, he reminded me of why this was happening. “I specifically ordered you not to put yourself in any dangerous situations, didn’t I?”