Of course, the promise that Mommy made to Daddy long ago, the promise that we would someday attend a public school, drifted away like smoke. To further ensure that, she made special arrangements for my scholastic testing this particular year. As if she anticipated how much mare I wanted to see other students my age, she fixed it so that I was brought to the school hours after dismissal. There were very few students in the halls or on the school grounds. She whisked me into the building, hovering so close to me as we walked down to the classroom that she practically had me in blinders. I was in and then out with little delay. I wasn't there long. The test was easier than ever, which pleased Mommy.
On the way there and an the way home, with even mater intensity than before. I felt myself gobbling up everything I could see. My eyes were everywhere, looking at everything, every person, every color, style of clothing, even every movement people made, especially young women. Mommy warned me about gaping, of course. but I couldn't stop myself. I tried looking forward, but my eyes seemed to have a mind of their awn, and like two steel marbles drawn to magnets, they shifted from one side to another.
By the time we got home. Mommy looked very annoyed with me. She rattled off some work for me to do and sent me to the barn to get tools. I worked, and I tried to forget, but it wasn't easy. The only place to go for any sort of peace of mind was back to the books and then, since the weather had turned so warm so quickly, finally back into the forest. Most of the trees were thick with leaves again, creating small shadowy areas. Walking within, I could look up through the translucent green ceilings and see a muffled sun. One day I just decided I would find a comfortable place and do my reading there, far from Mommy's critical or suspicious eyes.
"Don't leave our property," Mommy warned me. and I promised I never would without her permission or without her. Still, she looked unhappy about my going anywhere that was out of her sight.
Sometimes, to ease her mind. I would take my fishing gear along, even though I didn't do any fishing. Just south of the stream. I found an area shaded by pine trees. The perfumed air smelled wonderful, and my special place had a matted-down floor with rich, cool, dark earth. I could spread out, get some sunshine if I wanted, and relax. Squirrels and rabbits watched me curiously from a safe distance, twitching their noses to be sure the scents I brought with me didn't suggest anything threatening. Birds chirped and did their aerial acrobatics around me as if they had finally found an appreciative audience. Once. I saw a small doe. It was almost impossible to see it because it blended so well with the surrounding foliage, but I caught a slight movement of its ears, and then slowly I sat up and stared at it while it stared back at me.
"Hi," I said, and then it moved off quickly.
Our winter had been colder than usual, but our spring was already warmer and acting more like our summer. I wore my coveralls and my bland white short-sleeved shirt. I had brought Romeo and Juliet- with me because I wanted to reread it. I had read it quickly two years ago. and I was sure that I didn't understand or appreciate it then. As I read about their defiance and determination to be lovers, my heart pounded with excitement. Being something forbidden, their love seemed more intense.
I put the play aside and lay back to look up at the sky through the branches of the pine trees. For a while I just watched the way the clouds glided with a wonderful silence across the light, icy blue heavens. I closed my eyes and thought about Romeo and Juliet's first kiss. And then. I imagined it happening to me.
I, too, suddenly found a great need to be defiant, to be in danger and to taste that excitement. My hands moved over my body, exploring,
discovering. I slipped off the top of my coveralls and then lifted my shirt over my head. For a while I just lay there breathing hard, terrified of what I had already done, but now that I had. I couldn't stop myself from continuing. I undid the corset around my bosom until I was totally exposed to the air, my released breasts tingling with the sensation of being in the open, feeling the breeze over them. Slowly. I brought my fingertips to my nipples, and then I moaned and went on to slip completely out of my coveralls. I took off my underpants, and for a long, terrifying moment of exquisite excitement. I lay there naked and fully revealed.
Never had I done this outside my house. Waves of thrilling titillation flowed over me. I trembled so hard. I thought my bones were rattling. It felt like warm hands were moving up my thighs to my forbidden place. Suddenly there was such a rush of excitement-- like an explosion-- inside me. It was shockingly delicious and then so frightening. I hurried to put my clothing on again. As quickly as I could. I dressed and wrapped myself more tightly in the corset, pulling the strings until I could barely breathe. When that was done. I picked up my book and literally fled my wonderful spot.
Running helped me calm down. I ran as hard as I could until I broke out of the forest and then stopped at the edge of our meadow to catch my breath. My face was so hot. I knew it was crimson. I didn't go back to the house. I circled through the woods, found another shady spot, and rested.
That had happened? What had I done? All I could think was that Mommy would know the moment she set eyes on me. Or, worse yet, she would be told.
When I felt sufficiently calmed down. I walked slowly back to the house. I'm sure I entered like a prisoner entering death row in some penitentiary. Mommy stepped out of the living room. She had her needlework in hand.
"Oh. Noble," she said when she saw me. "I just had the most terrifying thought."
I waited, my heart thumping.
"Here we are, approaching your birthday. and I have not planned out a single thing. I don't know what's come over me these days," she said and smiled. "But don't worry. This will be a special one. I promise."
She kissed me on the cheek and then went on to the kitchen.
I stood there watching her walk away.
She wasn't told anything.
She knew nothing.
I was all right. Everything was strangely all right.
Maybe it was because I had gotten away with it, or maybe it was because I couldn't get the feelings, the excitement, out of mind, but just the thought of returning to my special place filled me with
exhilaration. I tried to stay away. I tortured myself, tormented myself, teased myself.
One day I started toward it and then turned around and hurried back. Another day I forced myself to sit at the edge of the pond and not go anywhere close to my special place. I put up as much resistance as I could, knowing in my heart that I would lose the battle. that I would soon surrender and return.
Finally, I did.
And I took Romeo and Juliet with me again. I couldn't reread it enough. I was at the point where I practically had the whale play memorized and certainly had memorized my favorite lines. When I reached my special place. I stood back hesitantly. It had become magical. If I go to the same spot and if I lie down again and start to read, surely the same things will happen. I thought. I closed my eyes and held my breath and tried to turn around and go home, but it was too powerful. There was a calling, and the voice calling to me was inside me. It could not be denied.
I sprawled out and tried to read, but my eyes kept drifting off the page. My heart was beginning to race. I felt my breathing quicken. Lying back. I looked up through the branches again. The sky was cloudless today, the blue looking softer. I closed my eves. Once again warm fingers were beginning to travel all over me, caressing. exploring.
Slowly, I began to undress, and soon I was naked under the sun, lying there and feeling the warm breeze flutter over my body. I took deep breaths and touched myself everywhere, and everywhere I touched, there was almost an electric shock of pleasure. How powerful it all was. I thought, and how naive it was of me to think I could ever resist. I kept my eyes closed and envisioned the handsome men in my books, dreamed of what Romeo must have looked like, heard those beautiful wards, words that were now being said to me.
And then I heard a branch crack. It was more like a clap of thunder.
I o
pened my eyes slowly, and when I looked up. I saw Elliot standing there Gazing down at me, his mouth twisted, his eyes wide. I felt every muscle in my body freeze. His lips moved, but for a few moments nothing came out, no words, no sounds. He looked like he was having trouble swallowing. I was still, deathly still. Finally, he spoke.
"You're a girl?" he asked to confirm what his eyes were saying.
With lightning speed, the realization about all that could happen followed that clap of thunder that still resonated in my ears. Exposed and revealed. I would be the biggest disaster in Mommy's life. All of our spiritual family would be blown away in the wind of outrage that would follow. And they would never return. Mommy would collapse in defeat and disappointment. Our lives would be ruined forever and ever. I could not leave the property and attend any school or be seen in the community. Where would we go? What would happen to us? What had I done?
"Please," was all I could utter.
His twisted, wry smile of astonishment softened.
"You're a girl," he said now with full
realization. "Sure, that explains it all. I was convinced you were gay, and so were the girls."
His expression continued to change and turn until his eyes were full of impish laughter and delight.
"And you're not bad, either." he said.
The chains of ice that had tightened over me melted away. I turned to reach for my clothing, and he surprised me by stepping on it all.
"Not so fast." he said. "I'm not through. Why do you pretend to be a boy? What is this? What's your mother doing?"
"If s none of your business," I said, my eyes now clouding with tears.
"Oh, yes, it is," he said with some anger. "You made a fool of me. You made a fool of everyone. You're wacky as hell, both of you." He paused as a new thought came to him. "Who disappeared in your family anyway? Were there two girls or what? What's going on here?"
"I said it was not your business," I told him. "Get your feet off my things."
Instead of doing that. he lowered himself to his knees and continued to widen his smile.
"So what's your real name. Noble? Nobella or something like that?"
"No." I said, my arms now over my breasts and my legs crossed.
"How did you keep those boobs so well hidden?" He looked at the clothing and held up the modified corset. "With this? Doesn't that hurt?''
"Leave me alone." I begged.
He dropped it and wiped his hands on his pants as if it was contaminated.
Is all this some sort of magic thing your mother performed? Did she put a spell on you and turn you into a girl?"
I shook my head, the tears now climbing over my lids and falling forward to stream down my cheeks.
"Maybe I'm seeing things." he said. "A spell has been put on me, too. huh?" He laughed. "Only one way to find out," he added, and that surge of cold fear began at the base of my stomach and slid up and over my breasts like a thin layer of ice.
"Go away!" I cried.
He leaned forward to grab my shoulders and push me down. I struggled with him, but he was too strong and was able to pull my arms away from my breasts. He gazed down at them and then slowly brought his lips to my nipples. I tried kicking at him, but he was over my stomach. and I couldn't hit him hard enough. I couldn't prevent what was about to happen. He kissed and sucked, and then he lifted his head and smiled.
"Not bad for a boy." he said. I continued to resist.
"Stop it,'' he commanded. "Or I'll tell the whole world what I discovered. The police will probably come to your house. I bet," he added.
The realization that they might just do that shut down my resistance. My arms softened, and he pulled them straight and down to my sides.
"So why were you so interested in looking at my sister? Are you gay'?" he asked.
"No." I said.
"You were fascinated. You got a long look at her. Don't tell me you didn't."
"It wasn't for that reason," I said.
"Sure."
"Get off me, please," I begged.
He thought and looked at me again, and then he released my wrists, but instead of getting off, he brought his hands to my breasts and fondled them.
"Nice." he said. "You could be pretty if you let yourself be what you art," he added.
"Please," I begged. His fingers continued to touch and squeeze.
"Why were you lying here naked? You were getting yourself excited, is that it?" he asked before I could reply. "Why waste it?" he added.
The fear I had felt before returned behind a drumbeat that echoed through my bones. He was smiling wider, his eyes full of lust. I shook my head, but he leaned back, still sitting on my stomach, and began to undo his belt buckle.
"Stop!" I cried.
"Why? You've got to know what you've been missing, what you probably want anyway. Who better to show you than me, your only friend?"
I shook my head, and then, when he lifted off me. I turned, but he pushed me down and brought his mouth to my ear.
"You better not get me mad,' he said. "I'll go right from here to the phone and tell the whole world what I have seen. You want that? Well?"
"No." I mumbled.
"Then stop fighting me," he said. "You won't be sorry. I promise."
I heard him continue to undress. I was sick with fear now, but in a strangely bizarre way, curious, too. It was almost like a baby putting her finger in a candle flame. Everything told her it was dangerous, especially the heat as she brought her finger closer and closer, but the light was mesmerizing and fascinating, and she could not stop herself until she touched it or it touched her and she screamed with shock and pain. Why was something so beautiful so harmful?
He turned me over so I was on my back again, and then he lifted my legs and put himself
comfortably between them.
"Feel that?" he asked. "That's what you pretended you had," he said and laughed.
I shook my head.
"Don't do this." I pleaded.
"Da what? How could I do this to you? You're a guy, just like me." he said, and he pressed on.
It was painful. I cried out, but my cries just made him more aggressive, it seemed. He was in me, pushing forward. I felt my whole body shudder. I kept my eyes closed just the way someone terrified of what was in the dark might, but at one point. I couldn't contain my curiosity, and I opened my eyes and looked at him. He had his eyes closed, and he was obviously in some ecstatic state. His body trembled, and then I felt him quiver inside me, which despite my fear and resistance made me quake as well.
Then he seemed to collapse over me, his breathing so hard and heavy. I thought he might die. Slowly, he lifted himself away and sat back.
"A friend of mine used to say that was like breaking in a horse." he said and laughed. "I promise you," he said as I reached for my clothing. it won't be half as bad next time, which means it will be twice as good."
"There won't be a next time," I said.
"Oh, yes, there will." he countered, and then he reached forgmy arm and pulled me back. "Yes, there will. Matter of fact, I want you here tomorrow, same time, same place."
I shook my head.
"If you're not here, everyone finds out what I know, understand? I'll be here. I won't wait a minute either. No show, everyone knows. That's the deal, get it?"
"You're a horrible person," I said.
"Me? Hey, I'm not the one telling the world I'm a boy. and I'm not the one with a mother who says that. too. Here she made herself out to be such a goody-goody to my father and got me in deep trouble. I still want to know, who really disappeared? Did anyone, or was that some sort of lie. too?"
I didn't answer. I put on my underthings and my jeans quickly. He sat back to watch.
"Let me see how you hide those boobs." he said, "Go on."
I tried doing it with my back to him, but he demanded I turn around so he could watch.
"That's got to hurt." he said with a grimace. "Why do you keep pretending to be a boy?"
; I didn't speak. I continued to dress. He did. too. When Igwas finished. I starred away, and he caught up to me, seizing my hand to spin me around.
"Remember," he said. "Same time, same place tomorrow, or else. I mean it he threatened,
I lowered my head in defeat, and he laughed.
"Its not so bad. You're going to enjoy it more and more. I promise."
He released me. and I shot away from him.
"Hey," he called. "so what happened to that great dog? He find out what you are so you had to get rid of him or something?" he yelled and then laughed.
I charged through the woods and didn't realize until I was nearly to the meadow that I had left my leather-bound copy of Romeo and Juliet back there. but I wasn't about to turn around and get it. I was afraid he would mistake that for a desire to be with him if he was still anywhere near the now infamous special place. The book would be fine as long as it didn't rain, and it didn't look like it would tonight.
When I reached the meadow. I paused and then just sat myself down to cry. I sobbed and sobbed and then finally, my well of tears drained, stopped and just sat there staring at an anthill. I watched them working frantically. My thoughts went back to Noble and how fascinated he had been when he had discovered his first anthill.
Somehow, because of what had just happened, I thought I had betrayed him. I thought I had betrayed everyone and I would soon be punished for it. It was really my fault, after all, If I hadn't done what I had done. Elliot wouldn't have discovered me. I had pulled back a protective curtain and let someone outside of our precious world look in and see us as we were. What was I to do now?
I wiped away the tears that lingered on my cheeks, and then I rose and slowly walked toward the house, Before I went inside, however. I went to the old well, drew up some water, and washed my face. What I must do now. I thought, was tell Mommy everything. Surely she would be angry, but she would also 'mow what we should do, or she would ask for spiritual audience. What other choice did I have?
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