by Clare Lydon
“Yeah, great. I think Julia’s enjoying it and that’s the main thing.”
“She is,” Ange agreed. We both turned our heads to where Julia was still dancing, belting out every word. Ange turned back to me.
“Listen,” she said, leaning in. “I just came over to say everything’s cool.”
She paused as I blinked rapidly. The light in the bar seemed to dim.
“I mean, we’re both adults and this situation is a bit awkward but it doesn’t have to be. We had a one-night stand, no hard feelings.” She really stressed that last bit. “I just thought if we’re going to run into each other at Julia’s wedding and whatever else, maybe it’s best to have everything out in the open.”
She took a gulp of her wine, breathed out and stared at me. She’d clearly practised that little speech in her head. She also still had amazing eyes.
“I, well…” I said. “Yeah.” Then I shrugged, which was probably not the best body move for that moment. Ange looked rightly put out. I tried to recover.
“I totally agree. We’re both adults after all,” I said.
She looked relieved.
“It’s agreed then,” she said, metaphorically shutting the case on this one in true lawyer fashion. Her chair scraped along the ground as she got up. Her friends were looking down the table towards me and I could see this had been a coordinated attack.
“By the way, I’d tone down the glitter in future,” she said. Okay, I deserved that.
“Thanks for the tip,” I said.
We shared a tiny fraction of a moment of what might have been – me, Ange, together on this hen night – before Ange recalled that she was the wronged party and to stay in control of the situation. Her face twitched with the concentration needed to play this part after so much tequila, but she regained full composure and fixed me with a seductive stare, before turning and moving back up the table.
Julia slithered past the other way as she did and they crashed into each other. Eventually untangled, Ange disappeared to the bar and Julia sat in her recently vacated seat, eyes wide with anticipation.
“So is there going to be a fight? Did she challenge you to a duel? Has she gone to get more tequila so you can see which lesbian can slug them back the quickest?” Julia sat back with a fat grin on her face.
“Yes, she’s gone to collect up her mates and we’re meeting outside to see which of us can pull each other’s hair hardest in 30 seconds,” I said.
“Marvellous. Lesbian and bitchy.”
Julia turned to check Ange wasn’t re-approaching.
“Isn’t this a little obvious?” I said.
“What?”
“Ange leaves and you slither into her seat and grill me. She’s come to your hen night, she’s your friend. Shouldn’t you be impartial, Ms Switzerland? Rushing over to get the gossip says to me that you’re taking my side.”
“I’m taking the side of drama,” Julia said, taking a swig of her red wine. “My life is so horribly predictable, what with being with Tom for a certain amount of years then succumbing to marriage. You try to be different but look at how it’s ended up: I’m swamped in glitter and adorned with a feather boa in Brighton. It’s not very original is it?”
“Anthropologically rich, though,” I said. I sipped my beer and smiled at her. She wasn’t having it.
“But you – you have it all. One-night stands, living in Australia, women travelling from across the world to win your heart back…”
“Woman, singular…”
“Whatever. It’s alive, it’s vibrant, it’s not the norm. I’m not special, you are. You shag women and glamorous ones at that. Lawyers, opticians. You’re not boring. I’m boring. Straight and boring. Oh god, when did I get so straight and boring…”
Julia put her forehead on the table in despair. I leaned over and unclasped her hands from the back of her head just as Lisa turned up. She was having none of it and got Julia out of her chair.
“I think tequila maudlin has struck,” I said, standing up. “Listen lady,” I added as Julia’s pouting eyes fixed on mine. “You’re fabulous. You’re not like everyone else. You have a great fiancée who loves you and you’re marrying the love of your life – there can’t be anything better than that, can there?”
Julia softened as thoughts of Tom flitted through her mind and Lisa took the gap in the conversation to chime in.
“Besides, this is no time to get maudlin. There’s still plenty of drinking left to do and we’ve just decided we’re going dancing. Sound like a plan?” Julia perked up and clapped her hands together, doing her best seal impression.
“Count me in!” she slurred.
“That’s good, seeing as it’s your hen night,” Lisa said.
I paused, then fixed my stare on Julia. “Anyway, I’ve got other exciting news for you too.”
Julia was standing unaided now, trying to focus on the evening but distracted by the glitter and sparkles all around.
“What?” she said.
“Lucy’s coming.”
“Who?”
“Lucy. You know, Lucy…” I pronounced her name like it was the first word I’d just learnt of a whole new language. Julia’s eyes widened as blocks of understanding slotted into place inside her brain. Once they did, she clapped her hands.
“Here? Now?” I nodded.
“Oooh, this is getting good.”
“So remember, play nicely. She’s just popping in to say a quick hi as she’s out with a mate.”
“I’ll be good, scout’s honour,” Julia said, scouting the area for Ange as she did. Neither of us were going to voice that concern but we both knew it was the elephant in the crowded, drunken room. I looked up to check the entrance but still couldn’t see any sign of her.
“So I’ll go and get a final round shall I,” I said, a statement rather than a question. I kissed Julia on the cheek as I wriggled out from the table.
When I eventually got near the bar I recognised the figure ahead of me as Ange. She was ordering more wine and tequila and I nudged her as I settled beside her, sliding in ahead of a short man in a polka-dot shirt who really should have known better. Ange turned her head and smiled as if recalling some far-off memory. I could see by her eyes there was already a fog building behind them.
“Oh I’ve just been served…” she said. She put her drinks on a tray.
I waved my hand. “It’s fine. I’m ordering a ton of tequila so don’t worry.”
She nodded, then paused. “You know, there was just one more thing Jess,” she said.
“What’s that?” I said, turning my head.
She leaned in, put her right hand up to my face and kissed me full on the mouth, sliding her tongue in and causing definite friction through my body. Just as before, it wasn’t terrible. The woman could kiss.
I was shocked by her action but certainly didn’t pull away. Truth be told, I might even have kissed her back a little. Whatever, I was fairly sure that at its climax, it was Ange who was the first to pull out, not me. When I opened my eyes, she was smiling. Then she leaned in once more and gave me a final kiss, before fixing me with another seductive stare.
“Shame,” she said. “We could have been good you know.” With that, she put her index finger to my lips, winked, picked up her tray of drinks and casually walked away.
When I regained focus on the room I saw Lucy standing nearby with her mouth wide open, her mate standing beside her mirroring her look of horror. I wondered how much she’d seen but I think I knew. My current lover had just seen Ange snog me at the bar which was not the evening I’d planned in my head.
My heart thumped in my chest as I began to walk towards Lucy to explain, but her face told me she wasn’t interested. I stopped in my tracks as her eyes burnt through me, then she turned, grabbed her mate’s arm and took off towards the entrance. Ange, oblivious to the mess she’d caused, was already back at our table and sitting down. I looked to her and then to the door to see Lucy disappearing through it without a single
look back. I took a deep breath and began to run towards the entrance.
The next morning I woke up and fixed my stare on the ceiling cornice in our room – if it had been restored, they’d done a good job. It was only 7.20am but I was having trouble sleeping and my head was foggy with trouble more than booze. I’d stopped drinking after Lucy’s exit, sobered up into the cold, harsh reality that the woman who I’d briefly begun to consider as my new girlfriend had just seen me kissing someone else. Not a great addition to a relationship that was barely a week old. By the time I’d made it to the door of the bar, Lucy and her mate had disappeared and my efforts to find her had been to no avail.
Predictably, Lucy wasn’t answering her phone and I didn’t even know her friend’s name, never mind where she was staying. So, after 20 minutes desperately trying to locate her, I’d slunk back into the bar with my heart and spirits on the floor. Ange passed me on her way out, although she didn’t see me. I wanted to kill her at that precise moment, but had no doubt if she knew what her actions had done, she wouldn’t be sorry. Karma’s a bitch, as they say.
Instead, I texted Lucy an overly long message, asking her to call me back so I could explain and asking her to meet me tomorrow for breakfast. It was a long shot but I had to get this sorted out – I really liked Lucy and I wasn’t going to let Ange’s mistimed lunge ruin it for me.
One thing I knew was that sleeping on the problem hadn’t helped and, if anything, I was feeling worse this morning. I looked at the inbox on my phone again but it was empty, no word from my… no, I couldn’t quite bring myself to say the word. Especially not if it was the most short-lived relationship in the history of the lesbian world. Confirmed Thursday, dumped by Saturday – definitely a personal best.
I swung my legs out of bed and padded to the bathroom slowly and silently, so as not to wake Julia. Once inside, I locked the door and tugged the string of the mirror light. It lit up obediently and I examined my face up close. I’d seen better days. I stuck my tongue out – it was covered in a white film, the taste in my mouth bordering on bitter. I cleaned my teeth to make myself feel better but it didn’t work.
I shut the lid of the toilet, sat down and put my head in my hands. What a royal fucking balls-up. I thought about crying, concentrated hard and squeezed my eyes tight but there was nothing. I was too dehydrated to cry. Besides, I wasn’t really the crying kind, not even in situations like this where crying would have been totally justified. Instead I felt the heavy weight of resignation in the pit of my stomach. If only I could get hold of Lucy I knew I could solve this. At least, I hoped I could. But if she didn’t answer her phone then I didn’t stand a chance.
I stood up and filled one of the glasses on the side with water, skulled it, refilled it and drank the lot in one. I took a couple of the Nurofen that were poking out the top of Julia’s washbag and swigged another glass to wash them down. Then I took hold of the sink and looked at myself in the mirror, like I was in a Hollywood movie trying to convince myself of my greatness. After eyeballing myself for a few intense seconds, I got dressed and heard the door click shut behind me, leaving Julia gently snoring.
Chapter 24
I arrived home from Julia’s hen weekend later that day completely worn out mentally and physically – keeping up appearances takes its toll. I’d alluded to Julia that something had happened but it wasn’t something I wanted to share with the whole group. I’d put on a brave face and worn it all the way back to London. Then I kissed everyone goodbye and exchanged my smile for a frown. It felt better that way.
As I predicted, Lucy hadn’t replied to any of my text messages or calls, so I figured I’d leave it for today and would have to resort to doing my grovelling in person over the next few days. Surely such great sex and connection had to count for something?
When I let myself into the flat I knew immediately that something was wrong – call it lesbian sixth sense. I walked up the stairs, dumped my bag in the hallway and walked directly through to the lounge. It was in darkness but held a snivelling Kate on the sofa, curled up in a ball with a bunch of scrunched-up tissues at her feet.
Turns out Lucy wasn’t the only one to catch her girlfriend kissing another woman this weekend – it’d also happened to Kate when she went out for a drink with a mate. There she’d caught the supposedly-at-work Caroline out for drinks with another woman, gazing at each other dreamily over gin and tonics. She’d left the pub but had confronted Caroline this morning with the evidence and she’d come clean, saying she was about to tell Kate. When wasn’t precisely clear, but either way Kate realised she was being dumped.
“She was apologetic about it but wouldn’t answer when I asked her how long it’d been going on,” Kate said. “When I think of all the times she told me she was working and she probably wasn’t, she was probably off shagging this bird.” She started to cry again, so I handed her another tissue and hugged her.
“Tell your bloody mother that nurses aren’t all that.”
“I’ll let her know.” I paused. And then I proceeded to fill her in on my sorry tale of a weekend, culminating in the fact that I was now also, to all intents and purposes, a single woman too. Even the thought of it made my jaw hurt.
“I guess this means it’s Sunday lunch with just the two of us again,” I said.
Kate nodded, blowing her nose into a tissue and throwing it on the floor.
“God, I bloody hate women and I hate feeling like this.”
She looked so small on the couch, her peroxide blond hair a shaggy mess, her eyes puffy and red. She asked for details of my tale of woe, so I filled her in on the minutiae of my weekend which took her mind off of her own troubles for at least five minutes.
“And you kissed her back why?” was all she kept repeating. I told her that Ange had caught me unawares, to which Kate raised her eyebrows.
“I would say you have some serious work to do to resurrect that one,” she said. I hoped this was just her mood talking and that by tomorrow, Lucy would see that it was just a silly mistake and we could carry on from where we left off.
However, Kate pointed out the crucial fact that Lucy didn’t know who Ange was and had no idea of the events surrounding that kiss. To her, she’d just walked into a bar to say hi to her new lover and found her snogging somebody else.
With that realisation crashing down on my cheery take on the situation, I got up, punched the wall and kicked the skirting board a few times until Kate told me to stop or she’d put my rent up. Instead, I made us both a coffee even though I wanted something stronger but Kate talked me out of it. Then I cut us both a slice of chocolate cake and together we sat and bemoaned women.
For both of us, it looked like it was back to the drawing board, but while that decision was out of Kate’s control, mine was within my own grasp. I just had to make Lucy believe that what she’d seen wasn’t really what she’d seen. Either that or I had to invent some way of turning back time and ironing out the whole sorry mess.
The next day at work Matt was full of the joys of spring, having sealed the deal with Natalie over the weekend at his place and now all he saw on the horizon was a life full of sex. To say he was chirpy was an understatement. Beth too was crackling with lust after pulling some bloke at a party. It seemed that while mine and Lucy’s relationship was going down the toilet, my colleagues had been busy shagging themselves senseless, which did nothing for my mood.
The night before, Kate’s troubles had gone some way to relieving my own. However, this morning, surrounded as I was by a cloud full of optimism, the weekend’s events seemed more ominous than ever. They were an ash cloud following me around and waiting to burst. I knew I had to work fast to shore up the damage but I was also too scared to act. I concentrated on making the best ham and mushroom paninis I could possibly muster and sunk my mind into my work. Denial turned out to be a comforting companion.
Tuesday followed Monday with stunning predictability and my mood descended further. I was short with Matt, flung my phone acro
ss the room when it flashed up as my mum’s number and not Lucy’s, and spent the evenings lying flat on my bed, staring at the ceiling and chastising myself for my lack of action. If Kate had not been so concerned with her own situation perhaps she would have talked me out of my slump but this wasn’t a high point in our cohabiting partnership.
However, by Wednesday Matt had seen enough. As soon as the lunchtime rush had dispersed, he sat me down with a coffee and demanded to know what was wrong.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” I kept my eyes on my coffee cup and fiddled with the teaspoon. Matt gave me a look.
I hadn’t wanted to voice my story because the café was riding along on a wave of love. Eventually, though, I told him the whole sorry affair and sat with a settled frown, my shoulders slumped along with my spirits.
“You’re a daft git, you know that?” he said.
“Am I?”
“Yes, you bloody are.”
“Thanks,” I replied. He got up and gave me a hug which I reluctantly accepted, before sitting down again opposite me at the table.
“So what are you going to do about it?”
I shrugged.
“Jess…”
“What?”
“This situation isn’t going to change unless you do something. You’re waiting for Lucy to walk through the door but she’s not going to is she? You have to walk through her door and make things happen.”
I sighed. “Easier said than done.”
Matt laughed. “True. But if you really want this to work, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to at least try? And don’t you think Lucy deserves more, too? Nobody said it was easy.”
“Thank you, Mr Coldplay.”