by Tina Leonard
“The references were fairly obscure. They could have been notations for any of the babies Dr. Benton delivered. I doubt anyone would have suspected he sold babies if your mother hadn’t begun remembering. Imagine that, Ben. And there were approximately nineteen other records in that journal. I wish I could have appropriated it.”
“That’s for the police to do,” he said sternly. “You can’t do anything illegal, Carolyn. We’ll let the authorities know, and they’ll handle it.”
“I know you’re right, but I sure would have liked to look at the other records. I didn’t have time to, but I’ve got to wonder if there were any other names I might have recognized. Small-town syndrome, I guess.”
He stopped the truck once again, this time to stare at her. “I know I said I admired your tenacity, but on this, I have to insist that you let it go. You’ve found exactly what I hired you to do, and if I have to fire you, Carolyn, I will. You are not going to jail because I’ve piqued your curiosity.”
She laughed at him, and his heart rose in spite of his vow to keep his feelings light. “All right. But I am telling the authorities.”
“I’ll dial the phone for you.”
And then he kissed the tip of her nose to express gratitude for what she’d done for him and Lucy. That’s all it was, Carolyn told herself. Gratitude that she had found the proof he’d hired her to—and maybe, just maybe, a miracle for Lucy.
* * *
IT WAS ELEVEN-THIRTY by the time they drove into town, and Carolyn was starving. She was pretty certain Ben had not enjoyed his outing with Mrs. Benton, so she wouldn’t suggest that they stop for a bite. Besides, he’d need to hurry home to Lucy.
So she was surprised when Ben asked her if she wanted lunch.
“Let’s go to Perk at The Park,” she agreed, “if you think Lucy won’t be upset that you’re gone this long.”
“I’m going to call her on my phone when we get there, but I’m sure she’d be disappointed if I came home this soon. She likes her baby-sitter.” He winked at Carolyn. “Besides, she might even be napping, and she wouldn’t miss me at all in that case.”
Carolyn told herself not to be so pleased that they were going to spend a business lunch together, but when she walked beside Ben along the River Walk, it reminded her of other times they’d eaten at the outdoor coffee bar.
“Hasn’t changed,” he said.
“Not much.”
They sat at a table beneath a giant green-striped umbrella.
“I know I want a grilled cheese sandwich,” Carolyn said.
“I think I’ll have tomato soup and a grilled cheese as well. I’ll go place our order.”
He smiled at her as he stood, and Carolyn’s appetite suddenly turned to something besides food. Why? she thought wistfully. Why can’t I feel about him the same way I do about any other man?
Ben looked at her thoughtfully when he returned. “Why would Mrs. Benton leave the journal out for you to find?” he wondered.
“It was labeled and sitting where I couldn’t miss it, so I figure she was motivated by guilt. Years of guilt.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “She indicated those feelings to me.”
“Was it difficult being with her?”
“It was uncomfortable. Distasteful. Repugnant. But I sensed that in her screwy way, she was trying to atone for her sins.” He took a drink from one of the iced coffees he’d brought them and sighed.
“She wants to know that you’re going to find your brother. It’s probably the most she’s ever going to know about the matter, because it’s not as if you’ll call her up and tell her there’s been a happy reunion.”
“I guess you’re right.”
She covered his hand with hers for just a moment. “Think about Lucy. This could make a difference for her.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
Then she pulled her fingers back from his.
He watched her silently.
“You’re in good hands,” she told him. “I’ll call Jennifer as soon as I get back to the office, and maybe she’s found something I can start with.”
“It’s unnerving to think that I could very soon be meeting a brother I never knew I had.”
“I hope it happens,” she said quietly.
“I’m glad Mom sent me to find you.” His voice was husky and warm. “I have to tell you, Carolyn, I never forgot you.”
She shifted uneasily in her seat. “It wouldn’t have worked, Ben.”
“Not then.”
But maybe now?
Of course that was not what he was thinking. She was crazy to have even entertained the brief thought.
“We made the right decision,” she murmured.
“You made the decision.”
“And you didn’t seem to suffer too long,” she said, forcing a smile to her face and a teasing tone to her voice. “Let’s not dwell on the past. Let’s think about the future, which is starting to look pretty bright.”
“After I release you from one misconception, we will.” He took a deep breath. “Carolyn, I married Marissa on the rebound. I didn’t know it then. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel the pain of losing you. It was easy to tell myself I’d fallen in love with a beautiful woman. Years after the fact, I know I was running from your memories.”
She didn’t know what to say, so she stared at him, her eyes wide.
“I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty or uncomfortable. I just want you to know that if you think I didn’t suffer, I did. I didn’t get over you like you seem to believe. It took a long time.”
“You don’t have to tell me this, Ben.”
“I want you to know. If you were hurt that I married Marissa so soon after we broke up, it wasn’t that I forgot you or that what we had wasn’t special. It was. Damn special.”
She reached for the only thing she could think of to say. “You have Lucy.”
He nodded once. “I do. Believe me, she is the only light in my life.”
“You wouldn’t have had her with me, Ben.”
“I’m not saying I have regrets,” he said, completely unaware of the confession she’d been trying to make. “I just want you to know that even though I got married, you still had a place in my heart.”
Ben glanced at the main cart of the coffee bar and saw that their order was ready. When he stood to retrieve it, Carolyn shifted her gaze away from him gratefully. Hadn’t she wanted to hear that he’d still loved her back then, that he hadn’t simply forgotten about their love affair when he married Marissa?
Yet what purpose did it serve now, except to salve the pain she’d suffered at the time?
Ben returned with the sandwiches and soup.
Carolyn looked up at him. “Thank you,” she said simply. “I can tell you were trying very chivalrously to…explain what happened. But you don’t owe me any explanations, Ben.”
She smiled at him, schooling her expression to be sincere, yet less intense. She needed distance between her heart and Ben. “Any woman would love to hear that her ex-boyfriend had carried a torch for her, but you don’t need to make me feel better. We have a good working relationship, and that’s what counts now, isn’t it?”
“I suppose so.”
An awkward silence ensued until Ben said, “Excuse me.” He got out his cell phone and called Lucy, smiling as he spoke to her.
At first glad for the diversion, Carolyn felt her heart begin to tighten inside her as she shamelessly listened to the father and daughter exchange loving words. Tears stung her eyes but she stubbornly blinked them back. Nothing made Ben happier than his little girl. All she could hope for now was a miracle for Lucy and him.
He clicked off his phone and put it in his shirt pocket. “Lucy says to tell
you that she wants you to come see her,” Ben said, startling Carolyn. “Of course, I’m simply relaying the message and there’s no obligation at all, although I wholeheartedly second the invitation.”
Carolyn’s gaze lingered on Ben’s and then broke away. Unbidden, a question teased at the edges of her mind.
Is it possible that we could still be in love with each other?
CHAPTER EIGHT
THE THOUGHT was too intimidating to face. She quickly dug her cell phone out of her purse. “You know what, I’d better let Dylan know I’ll be back at the office after lunch—and that we’ve made some progress in the case.”
Ben just watched her. Carolyn smiled, trying to appear calm and self-assured, as if she hadn’t been staring at his lips, remembering what it had been like to kiss him.
Ben was a man a woman could kiss for hours, getting lost and never caring if she found her way back.
She didn’t want to experience those wild emotions again.
“Dylan,” she said, watching as Ben began eating his sandwich, her gaze safe now that he was paying attention to his lunch. “It’s Carolyn.”
“Hey, Carolyn.”
“I’m at Perk at The Park now, having lunch with Ben Mulholland. We just found what we think is our first major road sign in the case.”
“Excellent.”
“I wanted to let you know I’ll be back in the office in, say, thirty minutes.”
Ben glanced up to catch her watching him. She looked away hastily. So much for trying to appear self-assured.
“Can you meet me at the library, Carolyn? I’m on my way over there now and there’s something I’d like to discuss with you.”
“That’s fine. In thirty?”
“Great. Bye.”
She clicked off her cell phone and put it into her purse. “Not to rush our lunch, but—”
“I understand you’ve got to get back to work, Carolyn. That’s fine. I’ll drop you off at your car.” He smiled at her easily. “I need to be getting home to Lucy, anyway.”
“Okay.” He was trying to put her at ease, Carolyn knew. She was struggling to be so cool around him, unwilling to reveal her turbulent feelings—and Ben knew it.
I’m about as sophisticated as an escaping doe. She sighed and picked up her sandwich. She was her own worst enemy, of course. She longed to be able to have Ben—and knew very well how much it would hurt if he rejected her because of her inability to have children. Oh, they could have a wonderful affair, like they’d had before. They could have a mindlessly passionate and thoroughly satisfying relationship, but she would always know it would end. It was impossible to throw herself headlong into that kind of pain again.
And if Lucy didn’t make it…Ben would be alone.
She wrenched her mind from Lucy’s dire plight, mortified that she had even let the thought into her mind. Lucy is going to be fine, Lucy is going to be fine.
“I can’t eat,” she told Ben. “I think I’ll just sit here and sip my drink.”
“Is there something wrong? Investigative letdown or something?”
“What?”
“You know, when someone achieves their goal, they expect to feel a high, but then are surprised when they feel a low instead, because they don’t know what comes next. Letdown.”
She raised an eyebrow at him. “The teacher in you is coming out, I guess?”
“Nah, the bad psychoanalyst. Sorry. Just seeing if you had a smile in there.”
“I’m just thinking,” she hedged. “There’s an important phone call I need to make and it’s weighing on my mind.”
She wanted to know if she was a match for Lucy.
* * *
“HEY, DYLAN,” Carolyn said breathlessly as she caught up to him at the San Antonio Public Library. “What are you reading?”
“The San Antonio Express-News.” He closed the paper and looked at her, his hands folded on the paper as he sat in the chair. “Have a seat and join me.”
“I will. I think I ran my hose when I was at the doctor’s house this morning—yes, darn it, I did.” She shook her head. Sophisticated was definitely not the word for her today. She’d have to buy a new pair at the drugstore when she left the library. “So what are you doing here?”
He grinned. “Escaping. Lily’s going a bit crazy with the wedding so close, and it’s real quiet here. I know that twins are emotionally very close, but wedding angst is one bonding experience I’d rather not share.”
“I’m sure you can find plenty of peace at the house somewhere,” she teased. “But you said you had something to tell me?”
“Uh, yeah. There were some messages for you this morning. One was from your doctor’s nurse.”
She stared at him. “And?”
“The message was that there was no need for you to come in for further testing, whatever that meant.”
Her heart fell. “Oh.”
“That’s all it said. I was assuming that was good news, but I can see by your face, you were hoping for something else?”
“Well—“ She glanced away for a second before returning his gaze. “Yes, I was.”
“Anything I can help with?”
She didn’t know if it was appropriate to discuss her emotional involvement in Ben’s case with her employer, but she decided to throw caution to the winds. “I had tests run to see if I was a match for Lucy, Ben Mulholland’s daughter.” She shrugged. “It was a long shot, but I’d gotten my hopes up when the initial tests seemed positive. Now it looks as if the doctors have ruled me out as a candidate for donation.”
“Sorry about that.”
“You could, of course, go roll up your sleeve,” Carolyn said, her tone teasing.
“I could, but I could also forget to give you a raise when we discuss your job performance,” he quickly returned, his eyes twinkling.
Carolyn went solemn again. “If I thought that was all it would cost me, it would be a very small price to pay,” she said softly.
“Oh, brother,” he sighed. “I was convinced you were such a pragmatic woman, a bulwark of stoicism. Are you going to become emotionally involved with all the cases I let you work on? I may have to rein in your duties.”
She looked at him, not certain if he was still teasing until she saw the gleam in his eye. “Just this one.”
“Past history throwing you a curve.”
“Probably.”
“Probably my foot.” He grinned at her. “Considering everything that’s been going on around the ranch, this is actually a small thing. I’ll go roll up my sleeve.”
She smiled at him. “Thanks, Dylan.”
He shook his head. “Now, for the real reason I wanted you here. Let’s talk about adjusting your duties while Lily’s on her honeymoon.”
Carolyn opened her briefcase and told herself returning the call to the nurse to find out why she wasn’t needed for further testing could wait—so could letting the authorities know what she’d found at Dr. Benton’s house.
* * *
DYLAN WATCHED AS Carolyn left the library two hours later. He was actually quite satisfied with his new employee, despite the ribbing he’d given her concerning her emotional involvement in the Mulholland case.
Now that she was gone, he opened the paper again, staring at the line of Dylan Thomas poetry he’d found in the classified-personals section. “Do not go gentle into that good night,” he read to himself. Julie Matthews and he had shared an admiration of Thomas’s poetry; he never read it without thinking of her. The words tugged at his heart and he wished for the thousandth time that Julie could be found. She had disappeared shortly after New Year’s without a trace, and her husband, Sebastian Cooper, was just about as crazy as a man could be with grief over his missing wif
e.
Dylan had never felt so powerless. He had not stopped loving Julie since their years at college together, but that was his secret—something only Lily knew.
Suddenly, he realized he’d seen Dylan Thomas’s poetry in yesterday’s newspaper. He got up and retrieved it from the stack of old papers, quickly finding the personals section.
And there, ten lines down, another line jumped out at him: “Light breaks where no sun shines; Where no sea runs, the waters of the heart/Push in their tides.”
His eyes wide, his heart thundering, he read the words again. And again.
No. There was no reason for him to think that the ad had been placed there by Julie. It would mean she had access to funds, maybe to a phone or a computer. It would mean she was alive.
It would also mean she had relative freedom.
The hair stood up on the back of his neck. These were some of their favorite passages from English Lit.
He snatched up another paper, his gaze roaming the personal ads furiously. “All the sun long it was running, it was lovely, the hay/Fields high as the house, the tunes from the chimneys, it was air/And playing, lovely and watery/
And fire green as grass.”
His breath froze in his chest. How many times had he and Julie laughingly wished that they could visit Fern Hill?
“Dylan Garrett?” a voice said, shocking him out of his thoughts.
He glanced up, startled. “Hello, Rachel,” he said, somehow disappointed that the object of his thoughts hadn’t materialized at his elbow. He could have sworn he’d heard Julie’s voice speaking the poet’s words out loud… .
The librarian smiled at him. “You were deep in thought. I hope I haven’t disturbed you.”
“No. Not at all.” He stood, recovering his manners, and kissed her cheek. “It’s good to see you, actually. How have you been?”
“Wonderful.” Her eyes glowed with happiness. “I have to thank you for introducing me to Max Santana.”
Max was the foreman at the Double G ranch. “Oh?” Dylan asked curiously.