by Tina Leonard
All he knew was that he cared about Marissa—but he’d fallen back in love with Carolyn.
And he couldn’t help wondering how that would affect Lucy right now, when she needed everything ideal to help her get well.
Marissa was right: They had forged a relationship that had worked all through Lucy’s illness. Had he justified making love with Carolyn by telling himself that Lucy was going to get well now, so he could move on with his life? Had he only justified his actions to satisfy his conscience?
Deep in his heart he knew that he was the one who was changing the status quo by falling back in love with the woman he’d never forgotten.
Never.
* * *
THE DETECTIVE who stood in front of Carolyn’s desk shook his head at her. “I understand, Miss St. Clair, that the journal you described would have had several of these notations. We were unable to locate it. It would be best if you could go with me and show me what it is we’re looking for.”
Carolyn wasn’t keen to go back to the stuffy, depressing house. But she owed it to the other people whose names had been in that journal. Her conscience wouldn’t allow her to forget that there were other families whose lives had been forever altered by the Bentons.
She stood, nodding. “If you think it would be helpful, I’ll go with you, Detective Kern.”
They went and got in his car. Carolyn tried not to think about how disquieting it would be to see Mrs. Benton again. She had truly thought her involvement in this case was over. “How did Mrs. Benton respond when you were at her home?”
“She doesn’t respond,” the detective replied. “Her health is a factor. I didn’t speak to her except to introduce myself. Then I went to find the journal. When I couldn’t, I asked the caregiver if she knew anything about it. She said she didn’t, so I figured it was best to come get you.”
An hour and a half later, Carolyn was once again at the Benton house. She got out of the car, allowing the detective to precede her onto the porch. He rang the doorbell, and the caregiver came to the door.
“You’re back,” she said flatly.
“We need to look around once more,” he informed her.
She gave Carolyn a look that said only too clearly that she thought her nothing but a troublemaker. But she stepped back from the door and disappeared down the hall.
The detective shook his head. “This woman has been less than helpful.”
“I guess her loyalty is to Mrs. Benton.” Carolyn went into the office and looked by the cabinet where she’d left the journal. It wasn’t there.
But that didn’t mean anything. Carolyn had suspected that Mrs. Benton had purposely put the journal in a place where she would easily find it. She began opening the file cabinets, and the detective searched through desk drawers.
Thirty minutes later, she had to concede that the folder wasn’t going to be easy to find. Nor had she found anything in the doctors’ files that gave proof of his illegal activities.
With some concern, she glanced up at Detective Kern. “I can’t find a thing.”
“That’s why I brought you out here. There’s absolutely no evidence to corroborate your claim that Dr. Benton was engaged in selling babies.”
“I’m going to go talk to Mrs. Benton,” Carolyn declared.
He shrugged. “It’s like talking to a wall.”
She already knew that. But she also knew that Mrs. Benton could have stunning reversals when she wished.
Down the hall, she found Mrs. Benton and her companion in their usual places in front of the TV. Mrs. Benton ignored her as she knelt beside her chair. “Mrs. Benton,” she said.
The doctor’s wife didn’t turn her head toward Carolyn, didn’t blink. She remained lost in the TV. Carolyn glanced toward the other woman, who was knitting, but she didn’t look up. “Mrs. Benton,” Carolyn said again, more softly. “Do you remember me? I’m Carolyn St. Clair.”
There was no answer.
“Where is the journal, Mrs. Benton?”
Mrs. Benton blinked but didn’t respond.
“The best thing you could do to make up for the past is to let the other nineteen people know who they really are,” Carolyn said, her tone cajoling. “There may be other people who are lacking something in their lives because they don’t know their own flesh and blood. It’s very hard when there are pieces missing in a person’s life.”
The older woman turned to look at her, and the expression in her eyes was chilling. “My whole life was a missing piece.”
“Then you know I need to give the journal to the authorities.”
“That journal is hidden where you’ll never find it. But you got what you wanted.”
“Yes, I did. Ben found his brother. He wasn’t a match for Lucy, but in the end, he and Ben will at least have a chance to know each other. My sister, whom I never was close to, was a match for Lucy, and it brought us very much closer together. I would be missing that piece of my life if I’d never known Christine as my sister.”
Mrs. Benton stared at her. “Christine St. Clair is your sister?”
Carolyn nodded.
“I watch her talk show.”
She didn’t say anything, merely waited to see if that would help her case with Mrs. Benton.
“I’m not giving you the journal,” Mrs. Benton said, her voice so low Carolyn doubted even the caregiver could hear. “I said that I had to atone for the past, and I gave you the information you needed so that sick little girl could be helped. But you weren’t supposed to go to the authorities. I told you I was never going to jail. But it’s not just me, it’s my husband’s reputation in this community. I may know what he did, and you know what he did, but why should all the work he did that was good suffer after his death? Some of his work was for good.” She shook her head at Carolyn. “I told you not to come here again. You got thirty minutes to find what you needed. I don’t want my story spread all over TV talk shows and the nightly news, either.”
Carolyn gasped, realizing that mentioning her sister had an effect she couldn’t have anticipated. “I wouldn’t give the information to Christine. She doesn’t do that kind of show.”
“It doesn’t matter what you say now. You went to the authorities. My husband’s reputation could be harmed, because I don’t know what you’ll do if you get desperate to find someone. Having your sister talk about this on her show seems the next logical step to me.”
Carolyn blinked, at the elderly woman’s convoluted reasoning.
“You just don’t understand,” Mrs. Benton stated. “I never could have children of my own. The doctor and I…well, it caused a lot of problems in our marriage. He couldn’t make me conceive, or I couldn’t. That was before all these fancy tests and procedures people can do now to determine where the problem lies. Sperm counts. Ovulation tests, even,” she said in a dismay. “Do you know how upsetting it is to see that other women can simply walk into a drugstore now and buy a cheap test that can tell them when they’re most fertile? No charting. No making yourself lie still when you think you’re not ripe. No forcing yourself to let your husband touch you when you think you are. And if a woman wants a child, she can go have it implanted. Implanted, like it was a hybrid fruit tree in a garden!”
She gave Carolyn a look that was angry and intense. “I suppose one day you and that Mr. Mulholland will have your own children.”
“Actually, no—”
“Oh, yes. It was clear how he felt about you by the way he looked at you, as if he were afraid something bad might happen to you in my home. The way he touched you so protectively. His very posture shielded you from harm,” Mrs. Benton snapped. “You’ll have your children. Why do you have to come back here and stir up unhappy memories for me?”
Carolyn swallowed, her pulse racing as her skin broke out
in uneasy perspiration.
“Let me tell you something,” Mrs. Benton said, her voice deadly quiet. “All those children I held in my arms as my husband drove to find them new homes, they were not my children. They meant nothing to me. Nothing.”
Nausea swept Carolyn.
“They were not my flesh and blood. I held them, but they never meant anything to me. It’s a waste of time and energy for a female to raise another female’s child, an orphan. The child will never be hers. Males are even more ruthless. To survive in the wilderness, animals raise only their own because it’s counterproductive to expend energy raising other gene lines. You remember that.”
“A child is not an animal,” Carolyn said hoarsely.
“The child will never be hers unless she bore it,” Mrs. Benton insisted.
The light dimmed from her eyes. She turned back to watch the television, just as the detective walked back into the room.
“Did she talk to you?” he asked.
Carolyn stood, trembling. She rubbed her arms to chase away the shivers running over her body. “Not about what I wanted to know.”
* * *
BACK AT HER OFFICE, Carolyn sagged behind her desk and hid her face in her hands. Of all the things for Mrs. Benton to decide to speak about, she hadn’t expected her to highlight the deficiency in Carolyn’s own life. She’d said not being able to have children had caused strain in her marriage. Clearly, it had caused more than strain. Mrs. Benton had used her childlessness to separate herself from the criminal activity she and her husband engaged in.
The child will never be hers.
Carolyn shuddered. Lucy would never be hers—she had always known that. It was a fact Mrs. Benton hadn’t needed to underline with her frightening words. Lucy had a mother and a father who loved her. No one else was needed in the parent-child connection.
Her breath caught inside her as she faced the uncomfortable truth. Christine had mentioned her being a stepmommy to Lucy; even Carolyn had been warmed by the thought. But now that Marissa had returned, a shift had to take place in the sweet daydream Carolyn had held to herself.
* * *
WHEN THE OFFICE door opened and Marissa walked in, Carolyn remained very still in her chair. There was only one reason Marissa would come to see her, and it had to do with Ben and Lucy.
“I think it would be a good idea for us to talk,” Marissa said quietly.
Carolyn’s heart began to pound. “All right. Please take a seat.”
Marissa shook her head. “I’m very grateful for your search for Ben’s brother. I’m more than thankful that your sister donated to Lucy.” She took a deep breath. “I’m aware that my husband is in love with you.”
Carolyn noticed the use of the possessive term, her heart sinking.
“I was always aware that Ben did not love me the way he loved you. Granted, he didn’t talk about you. But I found your letters to him, and other things he’d put in a box. And I read every one. So there’s nothing I don’t know.” Marissa stared at her, plainly uncomfortable but determined to proceed. “I found it easier to keep my modeling career going in case our marriage never worked out. We struggled through a lot, and over time have come to a better place in our relationship than we’ve ever been.” She took a deep breath. “I wasn’t crazy about coming to you for help in finding Ben’s brother. I told Ben we could hire someone else. But he wanted to go with his mother’s suggestion. In the end, I could only hope that your close relationship with Eileen would encourage you to help us, and that the old flame wouldn’t come back to life.”
She raised her eyebrows at Carolyn. “No woman wants to keep a man who doesn’t love her. I’m perfectly willing, at this point, to try to put aside my feelings about you and my husband. It’s not, as I’ve said, that Ben and I had a grand, lasting passion in our marriage. However, I want you to know that Lucy is a far different matter. As much as I appreciate what you and Christine did, I will never go quietly from this picture. Lucy is my daughter, Carolyn. She grew inside me. I may not be your definition of a good mother, but she is my child. And until you hold a child inside your body, nourishing it and feeling it come to life, you won’t understand why I have to let you know that the place you are seeking in Lucy’s life will never be yours.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
”I DIDN’T KNOW what to say to Marissa,” Carolyn told Emily as they sat in Carolyn’s apartment. “All I knew was that my heart was breaking, yet I couldn’t deny a word of what she was saying. Everything she told me was valid—and the last thing I’d ever wanted to happen.”
Emily sipped her tea as she settled into the sofa. “I’m just glad the hot-pink dress worked its magic. You’d never know if what you and Ben had before was still alive.”
“In a way, that makes it harder.” Carolyn curled her legs up underneath her and settled back into the sofa, wishing the sick feeling in her stomach would go away. “I’m the part of Ben and Lucy’s lives that they don’t need anymore. I don’t have a place.”
“You know they love you.”
“I know that Lucy likes me a lot. I don’t think she’s capable of loving anyone except her immediate family right now, and that is as it should be. She wants her mommy, and I want her to have her mother. Marissa simply reminded me of my place, which is on the outside looking in. She has a sick little girl to protect.”
“She has herself to protect.”
“That, too. I can’t expect her to be happy about Ben and I making love in the house she thought was hers. They have a relationship which works, and I’ve thrown a wrench into it. Ben hasn’t called me in two days. I know he’s busy, and I understand he’s got a lot he’s trying to take care of, but I can’t help thinking about him and Marissa.”
“They’re divorced,” Emily pointed out.
“You’re married now, Em,” Carolyn said quietly. “You know that there are some places in a man’s heart where a woman always wants to live.”
“I wish you wouldn’t be so sympathetic to Marissa. He is not her husband, as much as she is trying to kid herself that he is. They would have moved apart a long time ago if it hadn’t been for Lucy’s illness.”
“I can’t help feeling like I’m trying to steal Ben from two people who love him.” Carolyn blinked, realizing the distress she was feeling was because she’d rather give him up than cause Lucy pain. “You know, Emily, I’m not exactly Miss Nice. And it’s not that Marissa was being Mrs. Mean. She was very calm, and very respectful, not demeaning or harsh in any way. I’m not upset that she stated her feelings to me. Because you’re my best friend, you see me as some kind of crushed delicate pansy. The truth is, while she was being very upfront about her feelings, I was hiding mine.”
Emily shrugged. “What were you supposed to do? Get into an Oprah-style emotionfest?”
“No, but all kinds of bad feelings took hold of me. I was embarrassed, then I was ashamed, then I was afraid because I knew everything she was saying had merit, and I didn’t want my heart broken. Halfway through her speech, I wanted her to simply disappear in a puff of smoke. Then I knew I was being mean, because that wouldn’t be fair to Lucy. I have to admit I probably wished a few pimples on her.” Carolyn shuddered. “Now you know the truth. Faced with all that cool beauty, I did wish her complexion wasn’t quite so porcelain.”
Laughter met her words. “Carolyn, thank you for being human. Sometimes I worry about you.”
She smiled, relieved that her friend didn’t think ill of her. “Well, damn it, Emily, it’s hard not to feel a little sorry for myself. Just when I thought I might have a chance at something wonderful with Ben, it all turned inside out.” Biting her lip, she lowered her gaze. “The thing is, I even told him my deepest, darkest secret, the reason I’d broken off our engagement. And you know, he was so sweet to me, Emily. He kissed away my fears. I mean,
really kissed them away. All of a sudden, I began to think that just maybe…maybe it didn’t matter about what I couldn’t give him.”
“Carolyn, one day you have to accept just how wonderful Carolyn St. Clair is. You don’t always have to be making up for flaws. I know that your relationship with your parents and sister made you strive for perfection. But you’re going to have to let go of it. If Ben and you don’t work out, it won’t be because you weren’t good enough for him. It will be because it wasn’t the right time, the right place, the right circumstances. And that’s all beyond his control and yours. But I don’t think it has anything to do with how he sees you as a woman.”
Carolyn remembered the shivery sensation of Ben kissing her scar. And loving her deeply. “He did give me a gift I’ll always have,” she said softly. “He made me believe I was beautiful.”
“And you gave him a gift he desperately wanted more than anything. You found him a donor. Carolyn, maybe the relationship can’t be the usual march-to-the-altar one in fairy tales, but isn’t it nice to know that no matter what, you both gave something to each other that no one else can take away from you?”
* * *
BEN STARED at his ex-wife. “Why did you go see Carolyn?”
“I wanted her to understand that only I will be Lucy’s mother. The two of you have grown very close, but I feel distinctly ill at ease. Lucy is the good part of what I kept from our marriage, Ben. I’m not thrilled to know that you were easily led to replace me in her affection.”
“I don’t think I did, Marissa. Lucy needs all the people caring about her that she can get.”
Lucy opened her eyes, searching for both of them and not relaxing until she realized her mother and her father were at the foot of her bed. “Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.”
“Sweetheart.” Ben moved to Lucy’s side and kissed her cheek. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes.” She glanced at her mother. “Are you staying long this time?”
“I’m staying,” Marissa told her, with a meaningful look at Ben. “And you’ll be feeling much better before you know it.”