by Tina Leonard
It had to have been Mrs. Benton. Carolyn closed her eyes for a moment, feeling somewhat sorry for the elderly lady. “It’s good you’re going to see Mom and Dad for Christmas. Crossing bridges is the only way to get them behind you.”
“Haven’t we turned into the philosopher?” Christine teased. “How is Ben, by the way?”
“I imagine he’s fine. Marissa and he decided to maintain their previous relationship for Lucy’s sake. So that painted me out of the picture.”
“Oh. I see. Somehow I don’t see Marissa playing the devoted Chlorox and Spam model.”
Carolyn thought about how glamorous Marissa had looked at the coffee bar yesterday. She and Ben had made such a handsome couple that Carolyn’s heart had turned inside out. “I think she’s probably pretty happy.”
“Yeah. Well, whatever. If she’s got herself convinced that the country-spud lifestyle is all that, then best wishes to her. Got to go tape a segment, but I love ya.”
“Love ya, too.” Carolyn hung up the phone. If it had been Mrs. Benton who called the show, what did she mean, babbling about sisters and family bonds? Her mind was obviously losing its tenuous grasp on reality.
It was sad. Life was short, too short to be wasted on regrets and past pain. Christine was going home to try to mend her emotional rift with their parents.
Maybe it was time for Carolyn to reach out herself, though not to her parents.
She would start with Marissa.
* * *
“THE LAST PERSON I expected to get a call from was you, Carolyn,” Marissa said as they met in the hospital lunchroom.
“I’ve thought a lot about what you said about me and Ben, and Lucy, and I hoped you would see me. I’m not sure I handled the situation very well.”
Marissa’s lips thinned. “I know I didn’t. This has all been very difficult for me.”
Carolyn nodded. “I know,” she said softly. “And that’s what I want to tell you. I know Lucy is your daughter, Marissa, and that you will be her only mother. I would never have tried to take your place in her affections.”
“Just Ben’s.”
“My impression was that Ben was free to see other people. I didn’t realize the level of emotional commitment that still existed between you. For that, I apologize.” Carolyn looked at her steadfastly. “It’s a complex situation, Marissa, and I understand your feelings.”
Marissa looked as if she were uncertain how to take Carolyn’s words. “So you’re telling me you wouldn’t try to replace me in Lucy’s affection so that you can get back together with Ben?”
Carolyn shook her head. “No. We made our peace with the situation and have both moved past it. My only interest in speaking with you today is to tell you that I am sorry. The whole matter was awkward. I know you’re suffering, and that Lucy’s illness has been hard on you. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you more grief.”
Marissa stared at her. “Is that it?”
Carolyn blinked. “Is what it?”
“An apology is all you’re here for?”
“Yes. I hope you’ll accept it.” Carolyn frowned, not certain exactly what Marissa was asking. “Life is too short to hurt other people. First, I’m employed by a company which believes in making other people’s dreams come true. Despite what happened, I hope that you feel something positive happened by hiring me. But most important, I’ve learned lately that it’s best to apologize while there’s still time to make a difference. I wouldn’t want to hurt you in any way, Marissa.”
Marissa nodded at her after a moment. “Thank you, Carolyn. I appreciate you coming to see me.”
Carolyn rose. “Goodbye, Marissa. I hope everything continues to go well for Lucy.” She smiled before saying, “Christine called me to check on Lucy yesterday. She said to tell you that she’s available should the need ever arise again.”
Marissa stared at her a long moment. “Thank you. It means more to me than you can imagine.”
Carolyn nodded, then left the cafeteria. She hurried away from the hospital, her heart sad, but her soul free. Once upon a time, she had been afraid to face her own limitations.
Not anymore. She was at peace being Carolyn St. Clair.
* * *
“BEN,” MARISSA SAID as they sat next to each other in Lucy’s hospital room. “I’ve been doing some thinking.”
He smiled at her. “That’s about all there is to do these days. I just sit and look at Lucy, and think.”
“No, I mean, I’ve been thinking about how we’re going to handle our living arrangements once Lucy comes home.” She looked at him, her expression sincere. “You can’t stay in a hotel forever.”
He didn’t want to, but he wasn’t going to move back in and have the same setup they’d had before. Eventually, he wanted to move on with his life. He wanted Marissa to move on with hers. They couldn’t do that sharing a roof.
She inhaled. “Ben, I know things are never going to be what they were before. I’ve used you for security, and I realize that now. Even though we were divorced, I always knew I had you and Lucy to come home to. You were there, the rock in my life. But that’s not fair to you.”
He looked at her, unsure where she was heading.
“I see Lucy improving more all the time,” she said, looking at their daughter. “I see that she’s getting stronger. If I had one wish for her, it would be that she could go home to a family who would love her and care for her the way she deserves. She’s been through so much.”
Nodding, he said, “I know what you mean.”
Marissa hesitated a moment before putting her hand over his. The contact startled him, but he sensed it was supportive, giving not asking. He’d been living in a shell for the past couple of weeks—Marissa reaching out to him was like warmth suddenly shining into the cold cavern of his life. “I talked to Carolyn yesterday.”
“Why?”
“She wanted to meet with me. She wanted to apologize for making me feel as though I were being pushed out of Lucy’s life.” Marissa looked at him. “Carolyn hasn’t talked to you?”
“Not since we said hello at Perk at the Park. There’s no reason for us to speak.” It hurt to say it, but saying it made him face the hard fact. “It was nice of Carolyn to reassure you, but I had nothing to do with it. She made that choice on her own.”
Marissa bowed her head. “When Lucy comes home, I want you to go home with her. It is your place, Lucy’s and yours. Not mine. I’m ready to move on, Ben, and find a small house or an apartment here to live in.”
He looked at his ex-wife, staring at her shiny blond hair as it fell over her bowed shoulders. “Why?”
“The reasons aren’t the same anymore. The practicality isn’t there. Lucy isn’t going to be ill anymore, so she won’t need the same kind of round-the-clock care we were giving her. She’s going to get well. I’m going to move out of the nest, so to speak.”
“If you’re happier with that arrangement, Marissa, I’ll understand,” he said carefully.
“I know you’re never coming back to me,” she said starkly. “I’m just accepting it, Ben.” She raised her gaze to his. “I know you love Carolyn. It was all over your face when you saw her, and it’s written there now. I can’t bear to see you unhappy, not when you’ve been such a gentleman to me. I’ve hung on too long, enjoying the security that you offer. I know you and Carolyn belong to each other, and I want you to be happy. Carolyn will be an addition to Lucy’s life, not a loss to mine. I know that now.”
He looked at her, amazed by the change in his ex-wife. She seemed so frail, so human in a way she never had before. “Marissa, you will always be Lucy’s mother. She loves you.”
“I know.” Tears gathered in her eyes, slipping one by one as she wiped them away. “It took a while for me to understand th
at I had to accept myself as Lucy’s mother. I may not be the world’s greatest, but I do love her, and Lucy loves me in spite of my limitations. I felt threatened knowing that Carolyn will be the type of stepmother who will cut out cookies and build snowmen and go camping in the rain. All the things that I really don’t enjoy, but which I thought defined good mothering.
“There are other things for Lucy to learn,” he told her. “Makeup application when she’s a teenager—lightly,” he stressed. “Dressing to flatter, how to deal with boys—these are all important skills a girl should be taught by a model mother.”
Marissa sniffled, but the sound of misery was tempered by a watery smile.
“You have an awful lot to offer, Marissa. You’re kind. You could have been mean-spirited to Carolyn, but you expressed how you felt. All your feelings were genuine, so that Carolyn never felt humiliated. I appreciate that. You’re gentle, and you’re sweet. You’re a knockout. That’s why the camera loves you—all these things show.”
“Ben Mulholland,” Marissa said, blowing her nose on the tissue he offered, “you’re a wonderful ex-husband.”
He smiled, and this time he patted her hand. “You’re a decent ex-wife. A man could do worse.”
They laughed together, finally comfortable with being just friends.
Lucy opened her eyes, offering her parents a small smile. “I dreamed good things,” she said. “I dreamed we were all happy. And that it was Christmas.”
“That’s because we are happy,” Marissa said.
“And you’re the best present we could ever have gotten, baby doll,” Ben added. “The very best present of all.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CAROLYN PICKED UP the phone at the office, answering with a bright, “Finders Keepers. This is Carolyn St. Clair.”
“Ms. St. Clair? This is Detective Kern.”
“Hi.” Her senses went on alert.
“I thought you’d like to know that Mrs. Benton passed away in her sleep last night. We were just notified by the caregiver.”
“Oh? Is that standard procedure for the police department to be notified?”
“Not really. Apparently, there’s a note addressed to you that she felt you would want to see. It must have something to do with the records, or she wouldn’t have called us. Do you want me to pick you up and take you out there?”
Carolyn held her breath, thinking quickly. “That would be for the best, I imagine. And if you don’t mind, I’m going to have a friend meet us out there.”
“Someone involved in the case?”
“Someone who was a victim of the Bentons’,” she said softly. “It might offer some closure.”
“Doesn’t matter to me. I’ll pick you up in an hour.”
“Thank you.”
She hung up the phone, her pulse racing. She couldn’t imagine what the letter said.
It didn’t matter. She would read it, and if Ben wanted to be there, he could.
That way they could put the past behind them—for good.
* * *
SEEING CAROLYN made Ben’s heart thunder. He hadn’t wanted to come here again, hadn’t wanted to see the house of the couple who had harmed his family. But he’d decided that his feelings about coming here today were moot. He had gotten her into the case; he would be at the Bentons’ to support her if she needed it.
She got out of the car with a tall detective walking behind her. Ben smiled at her reassuringly, but they didn’t speak. No one was comfortable.
The detective rang the doorbell, and the caregiver silently let them in the house. Walking down the hall to the office, she pointed to the desk and looked at Carolyn. “There’s the letter.”
And then she left the room.
Carolyn moved forward, picking the letter up and opening it, her glance going to Ben before she began reading out loud.
Miss Carolyn St. Clair,
I am leaving instructions that you are to have this letter after my death. I want you have access to the information which you sought. I did not want my husband’s name disparaged while I was alive, but I also wish to go to my grave with the clearest conscience that I can have, considering the circumstances. I would also like to offer an apology to the families who will be affected. An apology isn’t much, but it’s all I have to give. The folder you were seeking is behind the television in the den where I always watched TV.
By the way, your sister talks—but you listen.
Vivian Benton
* * *
She handed the letter to Ben, who glanced at it one more time before handing it to the detective. Ben watched Carolyn leave the room, then he decided to follow her. She leaned over, pulling a folder from behind the television just as the letter had instructed.
She handed the folder to the detective. “Your case, now.”
“Thank you.” He tucked it under his arm. “Is there anything else you need here, or would like to see?”
Carolyn shook her head. “Not me. Ben? You?”
Her green eyes waited for his signal that he was ready to leave the house. There was nothing more here for him. Erasing shadows from the past was the beauty of the future. “I’m ready,” he said. “I’ll drive you back, Carolyn, if you’d like.”
* * *
CAROLYN SAT IN Ben’s truck, breathing more easily now that they’d left the Benton house. “I’m so glad it’s over,” she said. “I’ll never have to see that house again. The journal was found, the authorities have the case, and I can move on.”
“Back to the office, then?”
“Yes, please.”
It took more than an hour to get back, time in which he tried to think of how to tell Carolyn what he wanted to say. They talked about Lucy. Christine’s name came up.
But somehow it was difficult to tell her what he really felt. He stopped the truck in front of Finders Keepers, shutting off the ignition as he turned to her.
“Carolyn,” he said, “if you have a minute, I have something I want to say to you.”
She looked at him, her expression guarded.
“I can’t thank you enough for everything you did. While we were at the Bentons’ today, I couldn’t help thinking how their story is over, but because of you, mine is really just beginning.”
She smiled. “I’m glad everything is looking better for you, Ben. You deserve all the happiness you can get.”
“My mother loved you, Carolyn. My daughter loves you. She’s asked when she can see Miss Carolyn again. And I love you. More than I’ve let myself say.”
“Oh, Ben—”
“I know my circumstances have put you through a wringer, something I wish were not the case.”
“Ben, being with you again made so much in my life better. Please don’t say you put me through a wringer. That’s not how I feel at all. Yes, I’m sorry we couldn’t work things out, but our time together healed me in ways I didn’t even know I needed.”
He picked her hand up, holding it in his, feeling some kind of connection click into place between them. This was his lady, the woman he needed beside him. “Carolyn, I know this isn’t the most romantic setting, but you calling me today seemed like a prayer from heaven. Would you marry me, Carolyn St. Clair? Would you consider being my wife, and living in my home, and being a family with me and Lucy?”
Her lips parted. This was clearly the last thing she expected him to say. “Oh, Ben!”
He searched her expression for an affirmative answer, but she seemed so shocked he couldn’t tell what she was going to say.
“Please don’t say no,” he pleaded. “You’re the woman of my dreams, and if I don’t convince you to come back to me and be my wife, I’ll always feel like I’m missing the part of my life I lost once, and don’t want to lose
again.”
“What about Marissa?”
“She feels differently about us now. She feels that you’re a plus, not a minus in her life.”
“I would never want her to feel she’d been left behind,” Carolyn murmured.
“And Lucy doesn’t know I’m asking. Hell, I didn’t know I was going to ask today. When you called, it was as if I’d been offered a gift out of nowhere, and I knew I’d better try to make the gift mine.”
“Ben.” Carolyn smiled at him. “I’m flattered, but I’m hardly a gift. You know I can’t have children, and Lucy—”
He scooted over and took her in his arms. Kissing her deeply, slowly, he took his time enjoying her enthusiastic reception. When the kiss ended, he looked into her eyes. “I’m kissing away all your doubts about that, Carolyn. Lucy is all I ever wanted. You gave her back to me when I was desperately afraid I was losing her forever. If you’ll marry me, there won’t be a luckier man on the entire planet.”
His heart seemed to expand with happiness as she smiled at his words. “If marrying me makes a dream come true for you, that’s all I ever want to be to you. But I can’t give you an answer just yet, Ben.”
He stared at her, his heart stopping in his chest. “Is there something I don’t know about? Something I haven’t said?”
“No, but I’d feel better if you talked to Lucy first.”
“Come with me.”
She shook her head. “I can’t. This is something you and your daughter have to discuss alone together, Ben. You and I marrying will change her life, and I need to know that to her, it’s a change for the better.”
* * *
BEN HAD BEEN HOPING for an enthusiastic yes from Carolyn, but he had to admire her consideration of his daughter’s feelings. He honestly didn’t know how Lucy would react. A part of him decided Carolyn had a smart idea. Lucy had been through so much—she deserved a chance to weigh in with her feelings.
So he approached her hospital bed with some trepidation. She opened her eyes and looked at him, smiling. “Hi, Daddy.”
“Baby doll.” He crouched down beside the bed, looking at her. “You’re getting stronger all the time.”