by Kim Noble
I’ve already been dominant for longer than the last two so in a sense the writing is on the wall. On the other hand, I haven’t had to endure the trials they were subjected to. If anything, by introducing painting into our lives, I’ve actively helped to steady the ship. According to Dr Laine, our lives have never been less chaotic. The painting seems to have provided an alternative outlet for some of those with suicidal thoughts and in other cases has just made the rest of us strong enough to resist. And Aimee, Dr Laine says, couldn’t be in better hands. After all, she managed to be voted Head Girl at her school.
That’s my true reason for not wanting to fade away, of course. What mother could ever countenance being separated from her daughter? I may not have given birth to her but there is no one and nothing more important in my life than Aimee.
The truth is, I have played a bit part in Kim Noble’s life for most of my existence. If I’m honest, I never noticed, so in theory it wouldn’t be so bad to return to that.
And yet I didn’t have Aimee then. Mentally I was stuck at twenty-one years old for so long I was oblivious to anyone else ageing. Now I know about DID, however, I wouldn’t be able to walk in and out of Aimee’s life without being acutely aware of every passing day, every minute I’ve missed.
And who would replace me? I can’t think of a single personality who I would trust. It’s nothing personal, because obviously I’ve never met any of the others, but I do have the classic over-protective parent feeling that no one is going to be good enough for my little girl! From what I’ve heard there isn’t another one in the same mould as me, Bonny and Hayley. What if Abi became my replacement? Would she be prepared to alter her lifestyle? Or Dawn – could she ever accept Aimee as her own flesh and blood?
And what about Aimee herself? Of course I’d be mortified to slide out of her life but I’d be just as worried about the effect on her. When Bonny left she was heartbroken. It took months of concerted effort between me and Dr Laine to win her trust, to convince her that I could be a mother to her. I would truly hate to know she was going through that ordeal again. Bonny and Aimee still see each other from time to time but the reunions are tinged with sadness. There’s always so much to catch up on that they don’t get a moment to just enjoy being together.
I couldn’t bear that to be me. Every time I saw her little face I’d feel guilty that I’d left.
It’s one thing to talk a good game. A few years ago I had the chance to do something about it.
Ever since I became the dominant alter, the care order imposed on Aimee at birth has been hanging over my head. I’m not a litigious person like Hayley, I don’t thrive on confrontations like Bonny, but as every year passed and we were subjected to another patronising, intimidating placement meeting every six months, I could see why Bonny got so angry.
I am Aimee’s mother. I’m not some foster parent. Look at her – you can’t even be contemplating taking her away.
Month after month went by, with solicitations made by each side. Our lawyer said this, social services came back with that. As far as I could see it was a game of legal table tennis with no sign of anyone dropping the ball, so eventually a court date was set. The car journey there was the most nervous of my life. It felt like the worst hangover ever. I couldn’t bear to think of the consequences of failing. Hayley and Bonny had achieved so much for the body – I didn’t want to be the one to let our side down.
I also knew that the pressure of fighting authority for so long had taken its toll on both of them. It was a very real fear that the stress of taking the council on again could have the same result for me. I could disappear for good, someone else could take over, and I would never see my daughter again.
The idea petrified me. I’d already been the dominant personality for as long as Bonny and Hayley and I didn’t know if there was a maximum time for running the body. But if I was going to fade into the background again like them, I needed to make sure Aimee’s future was secure first.
I could drag the story out, tell you every detail of the court case and all the arguments for and against. But I won’t. I will just say that in December 2008 the care order on Aimee Melissa Noble was finally lifted.
She was mine – ours – for good, forever.
After everything our body had been subjected to by abusers, doctors and red tape, we’d kept on fighting. And now we’d won.
Useful Resources
North America and Canada
Mosaic Minds
Provides information and support for those affected by DID.
Mosaic Minds, Inc, PO Box 24, Marysville, WA 98270
www.mosaicminds.org
Sidran Institute
A non-profit organisation helping people to understand, recover from and treat traumatic stress, dissociative disorders and other issues.
200 East Joppa Road, Suite 207, Baltimore, MD 21286-3107
Email: [email protected]
www.sidran.org
The American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (APSAC)
A national organisation supporting professionals who work with children and families affected by child maltreatment and violence.
APSAC Headquarters, 350 Poplar Avenue, Elmhurst, IL 60126
Tel: 630 941 1235
Toll Free: 1 877 402 7722
Email: [email protected]
www.apsac.org
American Psychiatric Association
1000 Wilson Boulevard, Suite 1825, Arlington, VA 22209
Toll Free: 1 888 35 PSYCH or 1 888 35 77924
From outside the US and Canada call: 1 703 907 7300
Email: [email protected]
www.psych.org
American Psychological Association
750 First Street, NE, Washington, DC 20002-4242
Tel: (800) 374 2721 or (202) 336 5500
www.apa.org
Institute on Violence, Abuse and Trauma (IVAT) (Including the Family Violence & Sexual Assault Institute)
10065 Old Grove Road, San Diego, CA 92131
Tel: (858) 527 1860 ex 4160
www.fvsai.org
New England Society for the Treatment of Trauma and Dissociation (NESTTD)
NESTTD, PO Box 242, Southborough, MA 01772
Tel: 508 598 5553
Email: [email protected]
www.nesttd-online.org
The Trauma Center at Justice Resource Institute
1269 Beacon Street, Brookline, MA 02446
Tel: (617) 232 1303
www.traumacenter.org
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN)
NCCTS, University of California, Los Angeles, 11150 W. Olympic Boulevard, Suite 650, Los Angeles, CA 90064
Tel: (310) 235 2633
www.nctsnet.org
Canadian Psychological Association
Traumatic Stress Section (CPA TSS), Douglas Mental Health University Institute, 6875 Boulevard LaSalle, Perry, Montreal, Quebec H4H 1R3
Tel: +1 514 761 6131 ext 2375
Email: [email protected]
www.cpa.ca
United Kingdom
Mind
The leading mental health charity for England and Wales.
15-19 Broadway, Stratford, London E15 4BQ
Tel: 0208 519 2122
www.mind.org.uk
The Survivors Trust
A national organisation for over 120 specialist voluntary sector agencies providing a range of counselling, therapeutic and support services for survivors of rape and sexual abuse.
Unit 2, Eastlands Court Business Centre, St Peter’s Road, Rugby CV21 3QP
Tel: 01788 550554
www.thesurvivorstrust.org
Clinic for Dissociative Studies
The clinic provides specialist expertise in the care and treatment of people with dissociative disorders.
Tel: 0207 794 1655
Email: [email protected]
www.clinicds.com
Mosac
Offers practical and emotional support to non-ab
using parents, carers and families of sexually abused children.
141 Greenwich High Road, London SE10 8JA
National free helpline: 0800 980 1958
Tel: 0208 293 9990
Email: [email protected]
www.mosac.org.uk
CIS’ters (Childhood Incest Survivors)
PO Box 119, Eastleigh, Hampshire SO50 9ZF
Tel: 02380 338080
Email: [email protected]
The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC)
NAPAC, PO Box 63632, London SW9 1BF
Free support line: 0800 085 3330
www.napac.org.uk
First Person Plural
A national survivor-led charity working exclusively for and on behalf of people affected by DID.
PO Box 2537, Wolverhampton WV4 4ZL
Email: [email protected]
www.firstpersonplural.org.uk
PODS (Partners of Dissociative Survivors)
PODS raises awareness and provides education and information for people who suffer from a dissociative disorder.
PO Box 633, Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire PE29 9GJ
Tel: 01480 878409
Email: [email protected]
www.pods-online.org.uk
TAG (Trauma and Abuse Group)
TAG provides support, information and training for counsellors, therapists, professional workers, carers and anyone involved in working with individuals who have suffered trauma and abuse.
The Willows Centre, 11 Prospect Place, Swindon SN1 3LQ
www.tag-uk.net
RAINS (Ritual Abuse Information Network & Support)
PO Box 458, Godalming, Surrey GU7 2YT
Tel: 01483 898600
Izzy’s Promise
A charity based in Dundee offering free and confidential support to sufferers of ritual and organised abuse.
1 Victoria Road, Dundee DD1 1EL
Tel: 01382 206222
Email: [email protected]
www.izzyspromise.org.uk
See also the Ritual Abuse Network: www.rans.org.uk
The Oxford Stress and Trauma Centre
47 High Street, Witney, Oxford OX28 6JA
Tel: 01993 77 99 94
www.oxdev.co.uk
Edinburgh Traumatic Stress Centre (Rivers Centre for Traumatic Stress)
Royal Edinburgh Hospital, Morningside, Edinburgh EH10 5HF
Tel: 0131 537 6874
www.riverscentre.org.uk
Europe
ESTD (European Society for Trauma and Dissociation)
1ste Hogeweg 16-a, 3701 HK Zeist, The Netherlands
Tel: 0031 30 6977841
Email: [email protected]
www.estd.org
Australia
The Australasian Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (ASTSS)
ASTSS, PO Box 6227, Halifax Street, 5000 Adelaide, Australia
Tel: 41 173 936 013
www.astss.org.au
Lifeline Australia
Provides services in suicide prevention, crisis support and mental health support.
PO Box 173, Deakin ACT 2600
Tel: 13 11 14
www.lifeline.org.au
SANE Australia
A national charity working for a better life for people affected by mental illness.
PO Box 226, South Melbourne, Victoria 3205
Helpline: 1800 18 SANE (7263)
Email: [email protected]
www.sane.org
South Africa
The Trauma Centre for Survivors of Violence and Torture
Cowley House, 126 Chapel Street, Woodstock 7925, Cape Town, South Africa
Tel: (021) 465 7373
www.trauma.org.za
International and other territories
ISSTD (International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation)
8400 Westpark Drive, Second Floor, McLean VA 22102
Email: [email protected]
www.isst-d.org
Argentine Society for Psychotrauma
Campichuelo 215 (C1405BOA), Ciudad de Buenos Aires, Argentina
www.psicotrauma.org.ar
Asian Society for Traumatic Stress Studies Limited
Room 402, Chuang’s Tower, 30-32 Connaught Road Central, Hong Kong
Email: [email protected]
www.asianstss.org
Japanese Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (JSTSS)
Hyogo Institute for Traumatic Stress, 132 Wakihamakaigan-dori, Chuo-ku, Kobe, Japan, 651-0073
Tel: +81-78-200-3010
Email: [email protected]
www.jstss.org
The Artwork in All of Me
Preliminary pages
‘Frieze People By Night’ by Bonny
Canvas size: 80cm x 30cm
‘Frieze People By Night’ features Bonny’s customary stick figures. To me they look like two groups squaring up to each other but it could also be an al fresco moonlit party in the shadow of city skyscrapers.
Insert section
Page 1
‘Pratt’ by Ria Pratt
Canvas size: 102cm x 76cm
The producers from Oprah asked if the personalities could paint some self-portraits for the show. I left a note in the art room and eight personalities responded. Ria is the child personality who calls herself ‘Pratt’ and who seems to still be suffering the effects of her abuse. This painting of a child on a table includes mirror writing: ‘help’ and ‘Pratt was here’ are written in backwards lettering on the walls. The painting also features the familiar teddy bear that appears in many of her paintings.
Page 2
‘Ken’ by Ken
Canvas size: 50cm x 40cm
Ken was the most recent personality to take up painting. His first attempt in 2008 was a painting of a train. When it didn’t turn out as he hoped, he slapped the painting against the wall. Peeling it off, he realised he liked the texture and the way the colours mixed, so to this day that is how he paints – much to my annoyance because the plaster is coming off the wall! So whenever he goes in the art room he puts paint on canvas, splats it on the wall, then spins it round and adds detail afterwards. You can see the swirls in this self-portrait, and where Ken has added the features later. Ken ties his hair back in a ponytail. I can’t see that it’s my face at all.
Page 2
‘The Art of Starvation’ by Judy
Canvas size: 92cm x 72cm
The skinny girl in the room sees a fatter girl in the mirror but it’s not a self-portrait. Judy has told Dr Laine that the subject is a girl she met in hospital who suffers from anorexia. Judy refuses to accept she’s a sufferer too, but she always paints on the largest canvases to reflect her size. She usually applies thick paint with a pallet knife.
Page 3
‘Lost in Play’ by Ken
Canvas size: 62cm x 46cm
After slapping the painting on the wall, Ken turns his canvas round and then highlights whatever shapes he discerns. In this one he saw a girl with a red balloon and so that’s what he painted.
Page 3
‘Thinking Man’ by Abi
Canvas size: 102cm x 77cm
This is a lonely figure from Abi. As I said on Oprah, if they’re the men she’s spending time with then I won’t complain!
Page 4
‘The Naming’ by Dawn
Canvas size: 102cm x 77cm
Dawn uses a sponge to apply the paint and often likes to add a verse or poem. In this painting there are three sections containing a poem called ‘It is the Time of Naming’.
Page 5
‘Reaching Out’ by Bonny
Canvas size: 101cm x 50cm
Bonny always used to paint stick figures or robotic shapes but one day she told Aimee she was worried people thought she couldn’t draw ‘real’ people. So this was her attempt. It’s inspired by our fight with Social Services, in particular how our baby was taken at birth and handed to foster parents. The woman – who is Bonny –
is reaching out but her baby is just out of range. So near, and yet so far. I know the woman is her because the people at Pepperton UK, where we first exhibited, said the hand is definitely mine. Apparently it’s very distinctive.
Page 5
‘Aims’ by Suzy
Canvas size: 50cm x 40cm
This is a portrait of Aimee when she was younger, copied from a photograph in which Aimee was modelling for a children’s magazine. Suzy had a bit of trouble painting the bend of her arm but Aimee really likes the painting. She loves being in the art room with any of the personalities and when one of them paints her or gives her a painting I think she feels closer to them. This was Suzy’s first painting after her nine ‘Mother & Baby’ works. These featured an infant and parent in different poses. I remember when I saw her first painting, a picture I named ‘Pure’. I thought it was finished but the next day I was shocked to discover she’d scribbled all over everything apart from the baby. To me this spoke of a chaotic mother desperately trying to cope with her ‘pure’ child. Suzy scribbles on all her paintings now with a permanent marker pen, even this one, so I’m used to it now. But I like finding her pictures before she ‘finishes’ them with the pen.
Page 6
‘Golden Kabbalah’ by Key
Canvas size: 30cm x 23cm
Key either paints the Tree of Life from the Kabbalah or scenes of abuse. The latter are very much like Ria’s in content but are definitely Key’s in style. For example, one painting features a stick figure in a cage. Her Tree of Life paintings usually have ‘mirror writing’ like Ria’s, although this one has words facing the correct way. Sometimes she appears to be translating passages by putting words next to certain signs or colours.
Page 7
‘Longing Rose’ by Judy
Canvas size: 122cm x 92cm
This is the second painting in a series of three. It’s called ‘Longing Rose’. The first painting in the series is just called ‘Rose’ and the third is called ‘Crying Rose’. As I interpret them, it’s the three stages of sexual awakening: waiting, then longing and then finally, of course, with the rose’s petals strewn on the floor, disappointment! This sequence is unusual because the character has facial details. The majority of Judy’s work features striking black-and-white and faceless subjects. She once painted a school class photo, realistic in every detail, except not one of the children had a mouth, nose or eyes.