by Dee Winter
“Hey,” I whisper and he looks, “Don’t worry about Rob. He won’t come in now. Trust me.” Etienne smiles but still doesn’t look too sure and carries on getting ready to leave. “You don’t have to go. Do you wanna stay and have something to eat? Coffee at least?”
“No, thank you.” He says, “I have to go to work.”
“You have to work? That sucks.” Then I vaguely remember about his job. Hopefully I’ll get another chance to find out more sometime. The lush is about to leave and I don’t want him to. I’m thinking what to say about me calling him, or him calling me. I want him to call me. I just don’t want to sound too keen. I don’t know what to say at all. As he unlocks the bedroom door all I end up saying is, “Thank you.” I kiss him on both cheeks awkwardly. I hold my tongue and say no more, just a silent wishing prayer over and over in my head, and pray that our paths meet again and hopefully soon. So be it. Prayer said and a sudden bad thought leaps into my mind. Benny! What if he’s waiting outside still or coming back just at this moment. “Wait!” I say quickly to stop the possibility becoming a reality. “Let me see you out.” I grab my t-shirt from the floor and pull it on over my head. I open the front door slowly. I check outside as far as I dare to in no pants and see nothing to get worried about. I turn round and beckon Etienne to come. “Go on, the coast is clear.”
I smile wide as can be and open the door fully to the grey day outside. There’s a little dancing rain and I’m cold already. I want to go back inside as I start shivering. Etienne walks on through the door, kissing me quickly again on just one cheek before he goes. I forgot to ask him if he knows where he is going. He seems to. I watch him walk right to the end of the street as far as I can see. Just before he’s out of sight he turns and looks back. His eye contact jolts me even from that distance and takes me unawares. He blows me a kiss and waves, turns and starts to walk again. I’m too shocked to respond in time. As I start waving back, he is out of sight. I’m sad to see him go. I definitely hope to see him again. It’s a powerful thing, hope, and sometimes dangerous. Pin your dreams on something to have them disappointed can be one of the most painful things. But to live a life without a hope of anything is no life at all.
10
Monday Afternoon
The chill runs right through me and I’m shivering cold. I turn quickly and run back inside. I jump on the sofa and curl up under the covers with the most beautiful thoughts and feelings of joy going round in my head. Memories so fresh now I hope they stay imprinted like this. I switch on the TV using the remote to see what’s on but find just daytime nothingness. I turn it off. From feeling almost dead earlier I now feel partly revived. I should go to college. Classes don’t start until 2pm. No rush yet.
I think back on my amazing night and morning but know the biggest hangover is yet to come. Benny will be back, maybe he’ll be apologetic and nothing will change. Just when I want him to act like a prick he won’t. My mind whirrs, maybe believing somehow he’s nice now or should just I end it for good, and take a chance on Etienne who might not even call. I try not to think too hard.
I listen to the quiet house noises, gentle creaks and unexplained knocks. I doubt this tranquillity base is going to last for long but the place is all mine for now. My thoughts spring to Rob, who’s still not back. He could be home any second. He might have spent the whole night out. He could have even pulled for all I know or maybe he’s worked late and gone for breakfast. I picture him sitting in a cafe at a red and white check tablecloth, eating an enormous plate of fried breakfast with crispy bacon, fried eggs, two well browned sausages, warm baked beans, soft tomatoes, mushrooms and cold buttered toast with a cup of tea with sugar from the shaker. I now feel very hungry and thirsty too. I hear the key being pulled through the letterbox. My heart beats hard, a little in surprise and at the same time in relief. I realise only then that I was actually pretty concerned.
“Hey-yey!” I shout. He doesn’t answer. “Good morning, Ella!” I call back to myself. He still doesn’t respond. When I see him I am shocked. He looks awful, drawn and grey, but smiling sort of. He certainly looks a bit shiny, like he hasn’t slept. He smells weird, like incense smoke and day old sweat, and maybe just a hint of tea. “When did you last sleep?”
“Your phone was off.” He says at last.
“Yeah, sorry. Battery went dead.” I say.
“I tried calling you again.”
“Sorry.”
“No worries,” he says. “Date go ok?” he’s still smiling slightly, smirking even.
“Umm, yeah.” I blush. “I’m a bit hungover. Think I’m going to go college in a bit.” He nods and I see the shutters rolling down over his eyes and face. His body sinks down by a couple of inches. He looks wrecked. He mumbles, barely audible, that he is going to bed. He goes in his room and shuts the door softly behind him. Then my stomach drops. I’m positively hoping and praying that there’s no trace of me or Etienne in his bed. I wait anxiously outside his door, in fear of him about to charge out and shout at me when he sees my clothes on the floor, or finds something else. I can just imagine his face screaming, “What the hell is this?!” But I wait by his closed door and my body actually starts to ache from keeping so still and so quiet for so long. Still, I keep waiting until I can hear his breathing noises that make me think he’s asleep.
Then, still worried but still in love, I go back to the living room and start to daydream. Etienne is more than beautiful. My head is thick with him. I lie on the sofa and bury my face in the fabrics to try and smell what’s left of him all over again. Memories evoked. I shut my eyes and only think of him and me and we dance in the clouds and float away in my daydream. I cannot do this for long. The thought I should get my backside up and to college does not go away. I can hear Rob snoring quietly now, unmistakable. Part of me wants to wake him up and ask how his night went, but I don’t want to rouse a sleepy wrath. I won’t touch him. He can tell me all there is to tell later. I’m happy just to think about Etienne for now. However, my daydream has flat-lined. I don’t know what to do. I honestly think I could go back to bed, just forget college and sleep and dream. How lazy of me. No. The weekend has finished and I should go. I have already missed the morning session. Education is important. For me, it really is the only way forward. Staying in bed is going to do me no good. Learning is earning. Qualifications might just help to get me somewhere with my going nowhere life. It’s hard work, of course. Daydreaming is easy. Staying in bed is easy too. It’s not an effortless option but it’s the right thing to do.
Suddenly I notice the time on the video player and I need to move faster now and not be late. I will let Rob rest. Later, I can make sure everything’s ok and if it’s not, I can make it alright. I still long to see Ruby and think maybe we could try and sort out a weekday. We could take her round to mum’s or out for tea. Maybe we could go swimming or to the zoo or even just the park. I don’t know. Something. I think Rob needs cheering up too definitely. I will speak to mum for advice later over dinner. I smile with positive thoughts in mind. I remember the promise of hot sausages, beans and well buttered mash. I crave a cup of sweet tea too. The thought of food makes me suddenly starving. I can get something to eat on my way in to college. Maybe that’s why I feel shaky now. I will grab some southern fried chicken and some chips too on my way in. I want to get out now as quick as I can, try not to make too much noise and let Rob sleep peacefully
I head for the bathroom to try and ready myself. In there I have to hold on to the sink to balance as suddenly I don’t feel well again. Looking in the mirror dirty with toothpaste splatters, I realise only now, I look absolutely dreadful. A family of spiders has died in my eyes and their black squashed bodies are stretching down my cheeks. The rest of my face is a horror of white and red blotches, like a paintball attack. My forehead a big shiny plastic brick. My hair is quite literally a bird’s nest. And to think I showed my face to the world like this. And to Etienne. Oh. God. I quickly shower in green apple bubbles and wash my hair
with peach scented shampoo. I feel wobbly when I shut my eyes, like I might fall over. I keep having to hold on. I use nearly a whole tube of gritty face scrub to scour my face and eyes clean.
As I step out of the shower, I feel hot, sick and tired. I don’t feel like going to college but think I have to now. I don’t feel well enough even to put make up on. I pull on my comfiest jogging bottoms, a thick hoodie, socks and trainers and head out of the flat. I take with me my backpack and I’m heading for the door. I just need to find a notepad. I know if I forget I am not going to learn anything. I have to write things down. If I just sit and listen I will end up daydreaming, especially today, it’s going to be hard to keep my mind off Etienne. With pen in hand I seem more able to concentrate. I pick up a scruffy notebook from the mantelpiece but I cannot find a pen. The thought of searching again makes me feel sicker still and I just feel like I’m wasting more time. A pencil would do.
Body suddenly says: Can’t cope with this. About to collapse. I’m just going to have to leave. I can borrow a pen from someone when I get there. Hopefully I’m not the only one that turns up. I could always borrow a pen from the teacher. Anyway enough thinking! Time to move. As I do, my head doesn’t feel great at all and it’s spinning again and I start to feel sick in my stomach. Acid rises from my belly to my throat. I have to get out. I bend down to tie my laces quickly and the blood rushes to my head and thumps in my ears. I stand up too fast and my vision goes AWOL for a few seconds. Slowly it returns. I steady myself against the front door until I have control again. I have to go. I force myself almost at a run outside, feeling with every step that I might fall down. I get out fast and breathe the fresh air. I slam the door in haste, regretfully forgetting Rob.
Only when I’m walking on and breathing deep, I feel a little better. I stride head on into the breeze, ignoring everything around me and concentrating hard on getting well soon. I stalk on looking dead ahead, not even at the pavement, god-knows-what I might be treading in. The air smells fresh and clean and definitely seems to have medicinal powers. The coolness feels like a nurse is gently stroking my forehead.
I quickly drop into the chicken shop as I am sure that some food will make me feel better. My stomach growls loud as I walk in. I order two chicken pieces, a wing and a leg, and chips, tomato sauce and salt. The chips are fresh and hot. I blow on them so I can eat them quicker. I sit in the shop for less than five minutes to devour it all. I leave on the table the empty little box with only ketchup smears and bones left behind.
I get to college and it’s busy. It smells of coffee and damp coats today. There are people everywhere, outside, inside, doddering about. I have to struggle to weave in and out to get where I’m going. Eventually I make it through the crowds into my classroom. There are two people in there. One I have never seen before and the other is Heidi. She’s a nice girl I sometimes talk to. I ask her if I can borrow a pen. She lends me a blue biro with a lid on it that’s chewed. This makes me feel sick again, but being penless, I can’t be fussy.
We wait about ten minutes before some more people and the teacher turn up. As class begins to start the tutor asks politely for everyone to switch their mobiles off or put them on silent at least. I unfocus from the middle distance and reach for my bag. I pull it onto the table in front of me and dig about for my phone. It doesn’t come to hand so it must be right at the bottom. One by one, I get each thing out. Wallet, notepad, tissues, gloves, gum, half empty water bottle and I soon realise it’s not there at all. Panic grips me and I jolt in my chair and start shaking the bag around, then I scrabble about at my pockets and look around on the floor. I’m causing a bit of a scene at this point and I notice everyone in class is looking. So I stop and say sorry and quietly think to myself did I even bring it? I don’t remember having it with me as I left. Then I remember. Instant relief. I left it at home on charge. I quietly sit back down in my chair and the lesson restarts.
This is one on my English classes. Language and literature and are my favourite subjects. Today is Literature. Poetry to be precise. I love it. Simple on the surface but then so smart. A bit like some works of art you see that look basic at first but the longer you look, the more you see. A bit like a fantasy, it takes you away. I love poems. I like reading them. I love writing them. I’ve written quite a few now. My teachers don’t discourage it and say it’s good to be imaginative but don’t rely on writing poems to get you an A-grade. You won’t get far without putting in the hard work and study. But it’s my outlet. A hobby. Here’s one I wrote just now, in the tedious minutes we were waiting for the teacher to arrive. See if you can guess who it is about.
King Bee
No name but I know you.
Strutting. All swagger.
Attitude. I used to love you.
Until I was abused by you.
No more. No more.
I don’t need you.
Got somebody new.
It’s no masterpiece. I like to write and hope that one day, other people may enjoy it too. It’s a release. That’s why I made all this effort to come to class today. I love learning. I’m fascinated by anything I don’t yet know. I want to know it all, although that’s impossible. I just want an education and the later you leave it in life I think the harder it is to get. It’s something to fall back on. I can use it to escape. Making better of yourself can never be a bad thing. I feel so much better for staying at school and coming to class today, although I don’t seem to be learning that much today.
As the lecture goes on I feel my tiredness creep up on me. At first I keep my concentration and hold my eyes open but my lids start to droop. It’s a struggle not to shut them as exhaustion drops down over me like a stage curtain. I start to think about my bed. My mind starts wandering and I want to be sleeping and dreaming about the weekend. I force myself to snap out of it and try and listen. I shake my head a little. I keep my eyes on the teacher for as long as I can without blinking. I imagine I have little matchsticks between my eyelids now, propping them up, forcing them open, but really all my efforts are not much use. My lids feel lead-lined and just keep closing. I just about hold it together for the first hour and the ten minute break doesn’t come soon enough. I snap to my senses when teacher says, “Ok. Let’s have a break.”
I get to my feet and take myself and my bag quickly to the canteen for a large strong coffee, no milk, four brown sugars. I drink it as fast as I can although it’s scalding hot and it burns my mouth. It feels like a snake has bitten my tongue. I curse myself. I feel that horrible numb tingle that is not going to go away quickly. I was just too keen. I take it back to my class. I sit down at my desk and look again for my phone in my bag, remembering again only then that I definitely don’t have it. It’s on the coffee table. I miss it a lot, more than I thought I would. I can’t keep track of time without it. I keep asking people for the time but feel too awkward to ask as often as I would like. I have a bad feeling too, not being near my phone. I’m anxious about who might have called or sent a text. I start to think bad thoughts and feel scared something has happened. What if Rob’s tried to call? Or Benny? Or mum? Or Etienne even? Then I remember I gave my number to Jon too. I almost forgot him. Creep. I’m worried a little but think it’s not that long. I’ll only be out for a couple of hours. If anyone wanted me that urgently, they could always come and find me at college. I’m not a million miles away and wouldn’t be that hard to find. I relax a little.
When class restarts I don’t know what has perked me up, anxiety or caffeine. I learn a lot more in the second half. My eyes stay open and I even manage to take a few notes alongside some pointless but pretty doodles of stars and butterflies. The second hour goes quickly. More people have turned up too which helps. The class takes a new dimension with more questions and debate. I start to enjoy it but it’s over all too soon and I make a hopeful vow to turn up at my early class tomorrow morning.
I stand up with fresh enthusiasm for the day but underneath I’m still pretty tired and could happily go back to b
ed. When some classmates say they’re going for quick coffee, still I take them up on their offer to join them. They even offer to pay for me, so it’d be rude not to go. So me, Heidi, Sadaf, Stuart and Pavel head outside to one of the coffee bars on the high street. It’s busy but we get there at a good time and get a table just as some people are going, leaving sticky cups and sandwich wrappers in their wake. We sit and talk about classes and work and books and life. I smoke a cigarette that is offered to me. I forgot to bring mine as well. One by one, they get out their phones and reply to texts, listen to voicemails or answer calls and I feel left out. Anxious again, I say how naked and lost I feel without it. The girls agree with me and wonder how on earth I am coping. The guys disagree, saying that they would love the freedom of being without it. Again time zips by and two skinny lattes with countless tubes of brown sugar and a blueberry muffin later someone mentions it’s getting on for teatime and I think of sausages, buttered mash and beans, and right now I would also love a cup of mum’s hot, strong sweet tea in my frog mug.
I start thinking I should be leaving soon. Firstly, to quickly go home to check my phone for peace of mind and then I need to get a move on to mum’s. I make my polite goodbyes whilst smoking one last free hand-rolled cigarette and I leave. One of the guys says they are going out for drinks later and I should join them. I think the idea sounds too much for even me and the thought of just the smell of alcohol makes me feel ill again. I’m still desperately tired too so I say I might make it down later and will see them there if I do. Cool cool, they say. I stand up and quickly go to the toilet. When I walk out they’re still all sitting slouched, more chilled than penguins on skiing holiday. I wave at them goodbye as I walk out.