“Oh. Okay. Sure.”
Well, there was nothing left to say. “See you, Alec. Bye.”
For a moment, he paused. Lilly closed her eyes, waiting to hear something special from him. Something about how he really had cared about her. Or how everything that they’d been hadn’t been a total mistake.
Her breath caught. Waiting.
“Well…bye, Lilly,” he finally said.
She hung up, too. Then flopped down on her bed.
Her life with Alec was over.
To her surprise, the realization brought a rush of tears to her eyes. For so long, he had been just one of her brother’s friends who had been especially cute. Then, two years ago, she’d developed the biggest crush on him. Though Charlie had teased her, Alec had merely looked flattered.
And then he’d asked her to the winter dance. From then on, they’d been together all the time. Only after they’d had sex did things start getting confusing. She’d thought they were falling in love.
Alec, she later found out, had been ready to move on. Her pregnancy had propelled him forward even faster.
And now…he was part of her past. He wanted it that way.
Even though she was having his baby.
Josh figured the Lord had been with him and Lilly the other day when they’d met and gone walking together. He’d needed someone to talk to. And talking to her had made him feel better in a way that nothing else had.
Which was a fair bit disturbing. He was close to his family members and knew he could count and depend on them for most anything. Never had he imagined feeling such ease with a woman. Never had he imagined he could be friends with a woman, and especially a woman so different from himself.
But Lilly Allen was his friend. Her ears had seemed to understand his problems and worries about Gretta. Perhaps because she didn’t know everyone very well, she’d been more free to offer insight than most people he’d known for his whole life. He was glad of her help, but truly confused about why the Lord had placed her to be his confidante.
The few days that had passed since their walk had been busy ones. He’d worked at the store two afternoons and then spent most of the past evening helping to chop more firewood.
And butchering two hens for some Englischers who visited the store often. His family didn’t usually provide fresh poultry for their customers, but his parents liked the Olsons very much and had offered the hens when Mrs. Olson had announced she was throwing a dinner party for her newly engaged son.
Joshua had a sneaky suspicion that his daed had sent him to do the butchering as a bit of punishment because of his relationship with Lilly.
And it might have been a punishment, indeed. Everyone in the family knew he got queasy killing chickens.
Now a full week had passed since his walk to the river and he was working at the store’s cash register. Caleb was standing nearby, being his usual difficult self.
“When are you going to ask Charlie for another ride in his truck?” he asked for what was surely the third time that day.
“I don’t know.”
“I hope it’s soon. You said yourself that you and Lilly are gut friends. Just go ask him.”
“But I have no need for a ride.”
“Well, I do. I need to go to town. I met some English teens the other day. They like to go to McDonalds.”
Joshua snorted. “You make everything the Englischers do sound special. It isn’t, you know.”
“You only say that because you get to do so much.”
“I’ve been killing chickens and working at the store,” Joshua reminded him with more than a touch of sarcasm. “I wouldn’t call it so much.”
“Don’t forget Lilly. You two went walking last week.”
“That was on accident. Our paths just happened to cross. And, you know what happened afterward. Mamm and Daed are still grumpy with me.”
“Maybe they’ll cross again soon?”
Oh, but Caleb’s voice was softly insinuating. “I don’t feel romantic toward her, I told you that.”
“But feelings could change. Do you think you’ll like her one day? One day like her more than Gretta?”
“No.” Joshua felt his skin flush as he realized just how quickly he’d come up with that response. He still did have feelings for Gretta. Strong feelings. Feelings that seemed to be growing as they’d kept their distance.
What had been wrong with him lately?
“Me and Lilly are just friends,” he said again. “We’re too different to be anything more anyway.”
“Different in ways besides her being English?”
“Yes. Though that’s different enough.”
By his side, Caleb looked for a moment like he was going to dispute that. But he held his tongue.
Joshua was very glad about that. He was tired of everyone in his family weighing in on his love life. What he felt for Gretta was a private thing. As far as he was concerned, no one else needed to know about it.
He was just about to say that out loud when the front door opened and the bells at the handle rang through the store.
Caleb looked like he’d just struck gold. “Well, look who’s here.”
Joshua frowned as Gretta entered the store with her friend Miriam. Gretta’s cheeks bloomed as she nodded in his direction before hooking her girlfriend’s arm and scuttling down toward the dry goods.
As they faded from his view, Joshua felt somewhat taken aback. In the past, she’d approached him the moment she’d walked in. Always before, she’d stood anxiously near him, waiting for his attention, eager for his words.
There’d been many a time he hadn’t been too kind about her attention. He’d be busy and she’d want to talk. Or he’d be taking a breather and she’d act like he needed more to do. But always he’d counted on her attention—even if he hadn’t been quite so eager to return the favor.
Now he was ashamed to realize that he’d begun to take her for granted. Now he felt bereft because he was only receiving the very slightest of nods.
“You’re in trouble now, brother,” Caleb whispered. “Gretta sure doesn’t want much to do with you today.”
“Perhaps she’s simply in a hurry.”
As they saw Gretta dart along a back aisle, steadfastly not looking their way, Caleb dared to grin. “Bruder, no one’s ever in that big of a hurry.”
Before he could weigh the pros and cons of it, Joshua found himself walking out from behind the counter going toward the women. “Stay here,” he ordered Caleb, just in case he got an idea to get in the way.
“I’ll be happy to,” Caleb answered as another pair of customers entered the store.
Feeling better now that Caleb was occupied, Joshua combed the aisles for Gretta, finally finding her with all the sugar and spices. “Gretta, are you finding everything all right?”
She barely looked up. “I am.”
That was all she was going to say? Wordlessly, he looked to Miriam. She stared right back at him with wide eyes. Too innocently, he thought.
Feeling a bit silly, he leaned against one of the wide wooden posts. She’d have to weave a wide path around him if she was determined to leave.
“So, how are things at the Sugarcreek Inn?”
“They are fine.”
“I’ve been meaning to stop by, I just haven’t had the chance…”
Finally looking directly at him, Gretta almost smiled. “Don’t worry, Joshua. You don’t need to visit me. I—I don’t hardly look for you anymore.”
“Oh. I see.” Her words were no more than what he deserved, but still, they felt painful and terribly sharp. Although…there had been a stammer in her voice. Maybe she wasn’t as unaffected by him as she acted?
Blue eyes searching, she murmured, “Do you, Joshua?” Before he could form a phrase to reply, she cleared her throat. “Anyway, Miriam and I only stopped in the store to get some rice for dinner. My mother asked me to stop on my way home to get it.”
“I’ll get the rice for you. You want a one-pound bag?”
“No, we’ll be needing five pounds. A group of us are going to make rice pudding this weekend.”
Not long ago, she used to invite him over for rice pudding. But now, once again, no invitation was issued. “Well, then I’ll go get you your five pounds of rice.”
“Danke.” Turning to Miriam, she said, “Did you want anything else?”
“No.”
“I’ll be needin’ nothing else from you.”
“I see.” Just as she was turning away from him, he blurted, “Gretta, are you walking home today?” He already knew Miriam lived only two blocks away.
“I am.”
“I bet I could drive you home in the buggy so you won’t have to carry the rice.”
She almost smiled. Almost. “It’s only five pounds, Joshua. I’m no fancy English girl, jah? I think I’ll be fine carrying my load.”
“Oh. Then I guess I’ll be seeing you at church, then.”
“Yes, you will.” After paying Caleb, she put the rice in a sturdy canvas bag she’d brought with her and fastened her cape at her neck a bit more securely.
When their eyes met one more time, she nodded. “Gut afternoon, Joshua. Good afternoon, and good day.”
Speechless, he nodded right back, struggling to keep his expression still and quiet. But inside, his emotions were in turmoil. Oh, but he was so confused about his feelings. Now that Gretta was acting so cool, his insides were aching for one of her smiles.
He hoped she’d treat him to one on Sunday.
Chapter 12
The line was going slow because of Jacob’s grandfather. Old Mr. Kempfs never failed to spark a conversation wherever he went, and the line for lunch after services must have seemed as good a time as any to catch up on the latest news.
As everyone waited in a long line around the perimeter of the barn, the weather was commented on as well as a new remedy someone had heard about for toothaches.
Gretta tried to look as if the minor interruption didn’t bother her at all, but in truth, she was more than a bit chilly, standing as near as she was to the barn’s opening. The metal building, so much easier for the farmers to install nowadays, was in most ways a mighty good spot for church services and a luncheon. But there was no insulation against the cold.
In addition, her head was aching something fierce. All she wanted to do was have her bowl of soup and sandwich and go sit down.
Finally Jacob’s grandfather patted a youngster on the head, said goodbye, and went off to sit with the other men at the far back table and the line started moving again.
Beside her, Miriam was chatting to her sister, Ruth, about a dinner Ruth was hosting for her in-laws. Usually, Gretta would be eager to hear the details of the meal, and to offer some suggestions, too. Used to be, every so often she’d put herself to sleep at night imagining all the kinds of dinners that she’d cook for her own in-laws.
But now her future was all topsy-turvy, like someone had pulled a rug out from under her feet. She was finding it difficult to keep her bearings. All she wanted was to get her lunch and sit down.
The line inched closer. Ahead of her, she heard her mother exclaim over the potato salad of Jenna Seitz. Gretta frowned. Jenna always did know how to put just the right amount of sugar and vinegar in her salad. She, herself, had never mastered that. Hers was always too sweet or too tangy.
Most days her failed attempts didn’t bother her. Now, though, it seemed to be yet one more source of aggravation.
Finally they approached the two long tables where everything was spread out. Gretta picked up a bowl and plate. Following the others, she passed over the peanut butter spread put out for the children. Instead, she ladled in a portion of vegetable soup and placed some trail bologna, freshly sliced bread, pickles, relish, and salad on her plate, then followed the others to the women’s row of benches.
In the summer, many of the young people liked to sit together outside. More than once she and Miriam had brought along a quilt and sat with girlfriends under the trees, enjoying the day and the opportunities to visit and catch up with friends. The day would be made perfect when Joshua would join her—sometimes with his siblings Judith or Caleb, and sometimes with friends.
Of course, in the winter it wasn’t near as easy to find a quiet place. And here in the Seitz barn with the metal walls, there could surely be no louder place around for miles. The noise from everyone’s chatter felt deafening.
And all the talk—at least to Gretta’s way of thinking—seemed to be centered around her and Joshua. Everyone seemed to know that they weren’t a courting couple anymore.
Though she tried not to turn her head, she couldn’t help but look Joshua’s way when she walked by his table to her own. He was sitting next to his brother Caleb and a few other boys. His cheeks were rosy and he was laughing at someone’s joke.
As she passed him, he conspicuously put his head down and averted his eyes. Gretta wondered if it was in retaliation for her frosty attitude when she’d visited his family’s store.
All the elation she’d felt from turning down his offer of a buggy ride had faded when she’d walked home alone, carrying that big bag of rice.
At first she’d been so proud of herself for being aloof and strong in the store, but as each foot stepped in front of the other, she’d known she should have given Joshua a chance. She knew she should have graciously accepted his offer. They could have used the time to visit. And Gretta could have asked a few more questions about his relationship with the Englischer, to see if all the newest rumors about him going walking with Lilly Allen were true.
But she’d been unwilling to have her parents see that Joshua was driving her home once again. She’d known that her mother would ask a dozen questions and she would be forced to answer them. Then there would have been a good chance that a fight would erupt between her parents and they’d end the day in silence once again. Just like it had ended the evening before.
Yes, that had been the main reason, but not the only one. She’d also let her cursed pride take over.
Of course, giving into such sins had come with consequences. She’d been lonely walking by herself, and had quickly discovered that even five pounds of rice became a burden after a few blocks.
Now, walking by his table, Gretta, too, kept her head averted. There was no point trying to make things better at the moment. Especially not in front of their entire community.
“How can Joshua sit there, looking so happy?” Miriam said a little too loudly once they’d seated themselves and said a quick prayer of thanks. “Everyone knows he broke your heart.”
“He didn’t break it all by himself. He had some help from me,” Gretta whispered. “We need to be quiet about it here, though. I’ve no desire for anyone to hear our private conversation.” Again, she silently added, remembering how their “private” conversation had eventually found its way to Joshua’s ears. Unfortunately, her girlfriend didn’t have any desire to either lower her voice or stop talking. “I’ve heard Joshua is much sadder when he’s not here, among friends.” Looking superior, Miriam added, “I heard the news from Jenna, who heard it from Judith Graber herself.”
“Well, it’s gut to know our community’s gossip mills are running well.” Listlessly, Gretta took another bite of potato salad.
Miriam ignored the jab. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.” Hoping to turn the tables, Gretta asked, “So, who has caught your eye lately? I didn’t notice who you paired off with during the last Sunday’s singing.”
Completely ignoring the question, Miriam’s voice rose. “But you should know who you fancy now, Gretta. This is an important thing, jah?”
It was too important for her to speak about it in the middle of their luncheon. “Let’s not speak any more of this.”
“But Gretta—”
“Please, Miriam. You don’t know how badly my head is pounding. Besides, my mamm has already taken to darting a half dozen looks my way. She’s going to pepper me good with
questions for the whole buggy ride home.”
“Ach, she will.”
Little by little, the din in the room slowly subsided as a few of the older couples began to take their leave. Since Gretta had been one of the last to be served, she stayed put, slowly eating her lunch though she didn’t taste a bit of it.
But then, as another hush flowed around her, and as Miriam giggled behind a napkin, Gretta looked up.
And only saw those lovely grayish green eyes of Joshua. He was standing before her, calm as you please. “Maybe I could take you home, Gretta?”
She was tempted. But she was afraid of those temptations. Before, she’d felt her future was secure with Joshua. Before, she’d never doubted her feelings for him…or his for her. But now things had changed. She no longer felt blind devotion toward him. Now she realized that things with Joshua might never be without conflict.
And that sometimes he could be terribly selfish.
And sometimes…so could she.
Now she needed some space and time as well. She needed to determine what would be best for herself. She couldn’t do it sitting next to Joshua.
If she gave in to her desires, if she took a turn with him in his buggy, chances were good that she’d soon be forgetting everything that was wrong between them. If she sat by his side, sharing a quilt and exchanging laughter, in no time at all she’d be eager for his smiles. Start eagerly waiting for him to stop by her home. To compliment her on her cooking. Anxious to plan her future again. Their future again.
She didn’t dare accept his offer.
“Not today, Joshua.”
“Oh. Well, all right.” Rocking a bit on his heels, he murmured, “Gretta, how about we sit together for a bit right now? We have some things to talk about, I imagine.”
Around them, time seemed to stop as everyone listened for her reply. Gretta knew what would happen if she did accept Joshua’s offer. Someone would somehow find a way to eavesdrop on them. All people needed was snippets of their conversation to start gossiping. Living in their close community, everything that happened was fodder for speculation and interpretation.
And everything always had a way of getting back to her mother.
Winter’s Awakening Page 11