Could Kendall have really said that or was that the imaginings of a hopped-up mad man, who just happened to be himself?
Nursing a beer at the clubhouse, sitting in the shadows alone at a table, Johnnie thought long and hard. The air of celebration by the remaining bikers and old ladies over finding Megan escaped him. He was happy, and relieved, she’d been found, but the pain ripping through him at the state of his marriage tore him apart.
Lockdown was over. A lot of the brothers had taken their families home. Johnnie had sent Ella home with his kids, but had forbidden Kendall to leave the premises.
Because he knew.
He knew.
Deep down, he knew the words he wanted to chalk up as drug-fueled hallucinations were real and true. Kendall had said those things. She’d done those things. The realization left him cold, and didn’t come lightly.
He counted himself as her biggest champion, always wanting to see the best in her. Always wanting the best for her. Time and again, she’d betrayed him.
How much was too much?
How far was too far?
How many forbidden lines had Kendall brazenly crossed, over and over? Too many for his comfort.
That’s why he’d sent his kids home with their nanny. When he confronted his wife, they’d get into a screaming match and his children didn’t need to be subjected to that.
Drawing in a deep breath and scrubbing a hand over his face, Johnnie couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer and made his way to his old clubhouse room.
Kendall sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
She knew, too. Knew that she’d crossed one line too many.
Devastation pulled her features down, gave her a tragic look. But that was Kendall. Unless she lived in a Shakespearean drama, she wasn’t happy. According to her, no one loved her. No one understood her. No one wanted her. When, in actuality, it was the other way around.
She loved no one but herself. She refused to understand anyone else. She didn’t want the people who’d tried to befriend her and become her family.
“Johnnie—”
“Save it,” he snapped. “Just shut the fuck up.”
For the first time since he’d met her, her desolation left him unmoved. He glanced around his old room. His life had changed so much since he’d last lived there. When he and Kendall had moved to their house, he’d had such high hopes for their life together.
“We need to talk.” Staying as far away from her as possible, he dropped into the chair she’d wanted in there.
She raised a pleading gaze to him. “I know you’re angry with me.”
“Angry? Really, sweetheart?” A bitter chuckle escaped him. “How many times have you heard me say that?”
“S-say what?”
“We need to talk,” he responded, his anger starting to rise to dangerous levels. “Too many fucking times to count. When has it ever done any good or mattered to you? Angry? I’m angry with you? Try again. I’m fucking livid.”
“Let me explain,” she started.
“Fuck no. Fuck you. You waited almost four damn nights before you confessed you might know where she was. She could’ve been dead.”
“That’s it, isn’t it? You’re livid because it was your precious Meggie that I held out on.”
He shot from his seat and stalked to her. For the first time, he wanted to choke the fuck out of her. He could see her body, dead and unmoving. He’d be free of whatever spell she’d placed on him. She’d be free of all her manipulation.
“If I were you, I’d shut the fuck up,” he spat. “I’m ready to fucking kill you. This has nothing to do with Megan. Not in the way you’re implying.”
He tipped her chin up, and she flinched.
“You almost killed me. That sticks with a man.”
“But you forgave me.”
“On the surface,” he said, the thought coming to him then. “Maybe, if you hadn’t drugged me so recently, I could forgive you this.” There was no maybe about it. He would have. Somehow, he would’ve found a way to justify her actions. “You’ve made an ass out of me, over and over and over again.”
His nostrils flared, and fury shook him. Seeing her dead at his feet, he pulled his Glock and jammed it against her head, cocking the hammer.
“I’m so, so, so sorry about everything,” she rushed out, visibly trembling. “My defense about being bored is useless and inexcusable, but—”
His hand trembled. “There’s no buts,” he snarled. “Every fucking thing you’ve done happened with ruthless disregard. For my fucking life, Kendall.” He thrust his face into hers, so close to her, he saw the golden flecks in her eyes. “I don’t take too fucking kindly to having my life threatened time and again. Yet, I forgave you, each and every time.”
“What’s different this time?” she wailed.
“Hmmm, let’s see,” he sneered. “You used your medicine to drug me and didn’t care that I was so ill. Instead of stopping, you switched medications. You choked the fuck out of yourself to make me believe Christopher almost killed you. You agreed to defend the enemy. And, let’s not forget, you had the wife of the man we call Psycho Stalker Wildman, because of his wife, kidnapped. That’s just your most recent crimes. Put together with everything you’ve done in the past and what does that get? Me dead. Killed. You know how?” He pressed his mouth against her ear, still holding the gun to her head. It shocked him he hadn’t pulled the trigger. “First, Christopher would cut my tongue out. That’s the offending part of my body that always defended you. Then, he’d cut my hands off because, let’s be real, we know that he knows that I strangled Megan. After that, he’d use his chance to get back at me for that one transgression with Megan before they married and castrate me. I never fucked her, but she jerked me off. Then, he’d decapitate me. Finally, I’d be put into our old, trusty wood chipper. Why? Because of you.”
“That would never happen,” Kendall said with certainty. “Meggie would save you.”
Unable to believe she was that naïve, Johnnie growled. He raised the gun from her head and fired, shattering the pane of the room’s lone window. It shocked him that he’d had the presence of mine to do that, but it also clued him in to a grim reality. Somewhere inside of him, he still felt something for her.
Pitching his Glock against the wall with a vicious curse, he turned and thrust his fingers through his hair, yanking at the strands.
“I can explain,” she sobbed, shaking like a leaf in the wind.
He spun to face her and narrowed his eyes, enjoying the way she trembled. “Really? You can explain how you told the enemy that Megan was more valuable than any other old lady in the club as Christopher’s wife? When you know that’s a fucking lie. We’d rescue Club Ass under our protection. You know we’d tear the fucking planet apart for any of our wives, not just Megan. Outlaw would be right there helping us to get any of you back. But you singled her out. You knew what the fuck you were doing. You wanted her dead. Or raped.”
“I didn’t!”
“At least have the fucking decency to be truthful,” Johnnie roared.
“Okay, fine! I don’t know why I said what I did, and that’s the truth. I just wanted…” Her voice trailed off and she covered her face. “I don’t know.”
“You wanted her gone, because you think you’d finally get to fuck Christopher.”
She gasped. “That isn’t true.”
“The fuck it isn’t. Every chance you get, you throw innuendoes at him. You’re too fucking ignorant to realize he hates your fucking guts. That’s why I let that bullshit continue. I thought you’d wise the fuck up.”
“Please! I can explain.”
“I can’t imagine how. Sherlock Holmes couldn’t explain any of it. Regardless, I’m not interested in more of your fucking lies.”
Kendall stood. “I’m so sorry.”
“Until the next time,” he reminded her, unimpressed by her display.
“Please, Johnnie,” she begged, fall
ing to her knees and crawling to him. She wrapped her arms around his thigh. “My actions put Megan in danger and the club in jeopardy. But I swear. I swear I’ll change. I’ll do whatever you want. Only, please, forgive me.”
Johnnie stared at his wife. At the moment, he didn’t hate her, or love her. He felt drained. Empty. Dead inside. He backed away, and she fell forward. Scrambling back, she looked at him with the most pitiful expression he’d ever seen.
“Are you leaving me?” Her voice was hoarse and teary. “Knowing I’m pregnant?”
“Try again. That guilt card won’t work on me anymore. And, no, I’m not leaving you. You’re leaving me.
“I…I…what?” She shook her head wildly. “I’m not leaving you.”
“Oh, yes, my gorgeous wife, you are. You’re leaving the club’s compound and surrounding properties. You’ll have no connections to the Death Dwellers, which means you’ll be free to practice law or work at any job that suits your fancy.”
“No! I don’t want that.” She jumped to her feet and ran to him. “Please, forgive me, Johnnie.” She flung herself into his arms, crying hysterically. “If you love me, you’ll forgive me.”
Unmoved, Johnnie disentangled her arms from around his neck.
He had harsh realities facing him. The humiliated biker, the killer in him, wanted her dead. But the man in him, the one who loved her with everything in him, and had made it his life’s mission to protect her and uplift her, was heartbroken. “At the moment, I don’t know how I feel, Kendall,” he admitted tiredly. “You want my forgiveness, when all I want is your honesty and reliability. I want to be able to take a fucking glass of water from you without wondering if it’s tainted. How can I forgive you if I don’t trust you?”
Weeping uncontrollably, Kendall bowed her head into her hands. “I know I have a lot to be forgiven for, but I promise I’ll earn your trust again, Johnnie, and I’ll make you love me again.” She hurried to him once more and held her hands out in supplication. “Please, give me a chance. Don’t desert me and the kids.”
He glared at her. “Save the theatrics. I have no intention of deserting my children. However, there will be changes, effective immediately.”
“What kind of changes?” she asked around sniffles.
“Ella is out. They’ll have a normal nanny and they’ll be allowed to go into any room in the house that they want to. They can blabber and babble, spoken to or not. You will not make robots of my children. From this moment forward what I say goes. I’ve said that before and then let you convince me as their mother you know best. You have to learn how to be a mother. You’re raising our children the way your mother raised you.”
“I am not!”
“The fuck you aren’t, and it stops, or so help me, I’ll divorce your ass and cut you out of their lives for good.”
“You’re serious?” she whispered.
He lifted a brow. “No, Kendall,” he snapped. “I’ve been talking just to hear my voice.”
“Johnnie, please! You know if you took me to court, with my history, I’d lose to you.”
He grinned without humor. “Going forward, I suggest you remember that,” he spat.
Kendall wrung her hands together. “Please, don’t get rid of Ella. She’s my friend and the kids like her.”
“Ella is a fucking snob and the kids fear her. Just like they fear you.”
“No—”
“I’m not finished, so shut the fuck up. I’m going to buy you a house.”
“Oh my God, Johnnie, no! Please. We won’t be able to survive without you.”
“Who’s we?” He barked a laugh. “The kids are staying with me. They’re going to a different daycare, and they’ll have a new nanny. All of them will get acquainted with their cousins. I’ll bring them to you on weekends. You won’t have time for them anyway, since you’ll be living your dream of being a working attorney.”
“You might as well kill me! You’re leaving me and taking the kids. I’ll be all alone.”
“Funny, I’ve been alone our entire marriage but I was too stupid to realize it.”
“No! You had me! And I had you. We had each other.”
“That’s such bullshit,” he bit out with a bitter laugh.
“Johnnie,” she keened, doubling over, her body shaking with the force of her tears. “All this sounds like you do intend to divorce me.”
“Maybe, if you weren’t pregnant again, I would.” He shrugged, but the enormity of that statement, of her state, hit him. Bleakness pierced his anger, and he clenched his jaw.
“You’re going to get a girlfriend, aren’t you?” she said miserably. “You did when I left before.”
He should torture her with that uncertainty, but she was pregnant, so he couldn’t. He wouldn’t be responsible for a third miscarriage. “No, I’m not. We weren’t married then, Kendall. I take my vows seriously. If I want another woman, I’d divorce you first.”
“I’m so sorry. What can I do? How can I change your mind? Make you want to stay married to me?”
“You’re pregnant,” he reminded her. “We already have kids together. Children aren’t a reason to remain in a relationship, but you need to find yourself. Maybe, you moving from the club will be just what’s needed. Who knows? Right now, I want you gone. I’m livid,” he admitted. “Furious. A part of me wants to kill you.”
Her eyes widened, and she paled.
“I had every intention of pulling that trigger, Kendall,” he said in a deadly soft tone. “You’ve pushed me one time too many. You’ve humiliated me. Betrayed me…” He drew in a deep breath. “That’s the side of me I’ve always kept from you. But I’m as much to blame for this point in our marriage as you are. I allowed you to play me, so you did.”
Her face crumpled. “I love you,” she whispered. “I love all of you, even that vicious, dangerous side. Please, don’t throw me away.”
He forced himself to ignore those words. But, Jesus, she sounded pitiful. “I think our marriage is salvageable.” The statement lightened his mood somewhat. “I’ll do my part in trying to save it. It’ll be up to you to do yours. You have to completely change your attitude about a lot of things. I’m not leaving my club, and you hate it. That’s a great divider.” His heart was beginning to hurt. “I’ll be there for you and the baby.”
Sniffling, Kendall nodded, the same anguish creeping into him, showing on her face. “I promise I’ll work on myself. I’ll find a way to regain your trust.”
Johnnie swallowed. “I’d like that.” Having nothing else to say, he nodded to the door. “Come on. I’ll walk you to the house, so I can get back to the club and get some rest.”
“You aren’t staying with me tonight?” she whispered.
“No. I’m not. I need to be alone. Tomorrow, I’ll come back to the house and use one of the guest rooms until you move out.”
Johnnie didn’t think she could look more forlorn. But she managed it. For the first time since he’d seen her tonight, he felt a twinge of sympathy for her. Which, to him, was a good thing.
Eventually, when all the hurt and humiliation went away, his love for her would return.
DEVASTATED AT JOHNNIE’S DECISION, KENDALL couldn’t sleep. Instead, for the entire night, she thought of ways to make things right, but couldn’t come up with any. She sobbed and trembled, and just felt cold inside.
She’d known drugging Johnnie was pushing it, but she’d never expected him to find out. She’d thought it would be a harmless way to secure his agreement.
Once she’d seen how sick he’d become, she should’ve stopped. As always, something inside her drove her to recklessness. The one thing she’d always counted on was Johnnie’s love and her ability to bend him to her will.
That had been wrong, so very, very wrong of her. Now, she’d all but lost him. He wanted to work on their marriage and would do his part, yet she didn’t know how to do her part.
Or, maybe, she did.
Johnny wanted her honesty and reliability. He
wanted them to be close to Christopher and Meggie. Therefore, Kendall saw only one way: confession.
Confessing her crimes to Christopher…no, not Christopher…Outlaw…confessing her crimes to Outlaw could be the first step in proving to Johnnie how sorry she was.
He’d see she was willing to humble herself to Outlaw. Johnnie would know she wanted the same fresh start as he did with no—not many—secrets between them. Admitting her behavior would show how truly sorry she was.
Outlaw would be angry, but he wouldn’t hurt her—or Johnnie. Meggie wouldn’t sanction it.
As dawn broke, she grabbed her cell phone and sent a text message to Outlaw, Johnnie, Mortician, Digger, Val, Cash, Stretch and Knox to meet her at the club because she had something important to say.
Only Mortician gave an affirmative answer immediately. It took another hour for Johnnie and Digger to respond. The others didn’t. However, she’d make her way to the club and see who’d attend.
Stepping into the clubhouse, Kendall breathed in the scent of bacon that told her Roxy was in the kitchen preparing breakfast for the brothers who stopped in on their way to work.
“What’s this about, Kendall?” Johnnie demanded, sitting amongst all the other men because he was a biker.
Whether she liked it or not, this motorcycle club was in his blood. They all stared at her, giving her the feeling of them versus her.
Bursting into tears, she hurried forward, stopping at the edge of the table, between Mortician and Knox. Outlaw was in the corner, on the other side, glowering at her.
“Th-thank you for coming,” she said hesitantly.
“I left Megan side and came cuz of Johnnie,” Outlaw responded. “You his wife and if you textin’ all us, it must be fuckin’ dire.”
She bowed her head, and sobbed.
“Red,” Mortician said after a moment, grabbing her hand and squeezing. “Don’t stress yourself. We didn’t know you and Johnnie was on the outs ‘til we got here. It’s okay. You still our family.”
Death Dwellers Motorcycle Club:: Fifteen Bad Boy Biker Books Page 449