Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  “You're not crazy Emily. I promise you, you're not.” He told her emphatically, finally looking up to meet her firm look. Emily rolled her eyes and pulled her hands away. “Like I'm really going to listen to some crazy figment of my imagination. As if that doesn't scream psychosis. Give me a break.” She scoffed. Tavin shook his head. “No, you don't understand. Maybe I'm not just some figment of your imagination. What if all this was something more? Something real.” He closed his eyes as if angry with himself. What in the world was he talking about? This was real? Yeah, and so was Santa Clause.

  “Um, I don't think so Tavin. I think I really need to reevaluate my mental health here. This is not good for me. I need to forget you...to get rid of whatever this is.” Even though she meant the words she spoke, admitting them made her hurt, deep down.

  She couldn't stomach the thought of never seeing him again, no matter how good it may be for her in the long run. Tavin blew out his breath in an exasperated huff. “Emily. I know why you think that. And part of me agrees with you. You would be better off without me. But I can't lose you. Not now that I've finally found you. Which I guess makes me horribly selfish.” He pulled her toward him and Emily didn't have the strength to put up a fight. Not that she actually wanted to.

  “I'll figure this out. I have to. I can't leave you. Not ever.” His words freaked her out a bit. There was a tone to his voice that chilled Emily to the core. But that part of her that relished teenage girl angst loved his sentiment. She kind of hated that part of her right now. Because it out ruled the more reasonable part.

  Emily didn't say anything more, letting Tavin hold her and after some time, she felt the world around her go grey and fuzzy, the sign that she would soon be waking up. And even though she was battling with some serious doubts right now, she couldn't help the rising panic that always accompanied this time of the night. That moment when she nearly went hysterical with the worry of whether she would ever see Tavin again.

  As if reading her mind, Tavin kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear. “I'll be here Emily. As long as I'm able.” His words confused her and she strongly felt she was missing something really important. But before she could focus on it too closely, she woke up.

  Chapter 24

  He needed her, not just the energy that fed him, but the person that she was. She made him feel complete in a way he had never experienced before. He was being drawn so close to the edge and he knew it was only a matter of time until he fell over. He was fading and fading fast. He hadn't fed in what felt like forever. He hurt, all over. He felt more human in his complete pain and vulnerability than he did as he sucked them dry. Tavin was once again in the Abyss, away from the mortal realm. While his heart, the other half of himself, was back in that dingy house, in the bedroom with the polka dotted curtains, with a slight girl who didn’t realize the power she held over him.

  The Abyss was a lonely place. Not somewhere he liked to be, but here he was nonetheless. Lilith had created The Abyss for her progeny, to keep them close. He only chose to come here when he had no other place to be. And right now, he couldn’t stay near her...his Emily. He had to get his thoughts together and figure out what he was going to do.

  He felt weighed upon with his new found conscience. He felt guilty for the danger he was putting Emily in. He hated that he couldn't make himself fade from her mind until he was gone altogether. She didn't deserve to become attached to him only to lose him forever. What would that do to her? How could he do this to the one person he had ever loved?

  He wasn't lying when he told her last night that he was the worst kind of selfish. But how could he turn his back on everything he so recently discovered in his time with her?

  For the first time he felt something other than hollow. He felt his love for Emily fill him up and spill over. But he was drawing attention to himself because of it. Drawing attention to Emily. Lilith wouldn’t let this continue indefinitely. Particularly since his very existence was on the line. There had to be a way to fix all of it. A way for him to be with Emily the way they both wanted. He just had no idea as to how to find the answers he needed.

  The Abyss pulsated around him and he was being pulled back into the mortal world. Emily's presence like a beacon. If he couldn't find the answers he needed, he would fade away. But maybe that was the best option for both of them. Maybe he could be selfless after all.

  Chapter 25

  Emily's mother was there when she got home from school. Her stomach made the normal flip flops. Her mother was such a loaded gun, she never knew what to expect. Emily took her time walking up the sidewalk after Sasha dropped her off. Her friend had hesitated at leaving, not knowing whether it was the safest thing.

  “I’ll be fine Sasha. And if I’m not, I’ll call you.” Emily had assured her friend. Sasha had been unconvinced and sat there, her father’s truck idling. Emily had to be majorly convincing in order to get Sasha to leave. Even then, Sasha hadn’t been happy about it, still trying to get Emily to come back to her house.

  How could she explain that she was sick and tired of being scared of her house, of the woman who lived within those walls with her? She didn’t expect Sasha to get it, so she stopped even trying to verbalize it.

  The smell of bacon hit her as she opened the door. Not the burning that usually signaled one of her mother’s cooking ventures. No, it actually smelled good. Emily dropped her book bag at the foot of the stairs and walked down the hallway. The sight that greeted her when she entered the kitchen could have knocked her dead. Her mother stood at the counter, a sizzling griddle in front of her. She actually had an apron on. Had she wandered into a re-run of Leave It to Beaver and not realized it?

  The smell of the food made her stomach growl. It was loud enough that her mother turned around. If the picture of her mother actually cooking something that smelled edible didn’t knock her flat, then the sight of her mother’s unpainted face would. Her mother typically layered make up on in an attempt, as foolhardy as it was, to look younger. Though the excessive makeup usually made her look years older.

  Right now, her face was freshly washed, her eyes clear, without the hazy film brought on by alcohol. She wore a decent pair of jeans and a pale yellow sweater. She actually looked nice. Wow, did pigs start flying while she was at school today?

  “Hi honey. I hope you’re hungry. I know it’s a little early for dinner, but I have to work this evening and I wanted to make sure you had something to eat before I left.”

  Emily choked on the sarcastic reply that threatened to come out. Emily felt like she was in the presence of a wild animal; no sudden movements or she could startle it away. “Um, yeah, I guess I could eat.” Emily slowly pulled a chair out from the table and sat down. Were they actually going to attempt small talk now? Emily didn’t know how to function in this sort of normalcy.

  “Good. You know I don’t think I’ve ever even used this griddle. Do you remember when we got this thing?” Her mother flipped the bacon, cooking it evenly on both sides. Of course Emily remembered. She had the unfortunate ability to recall everything. That particular griddle had been bought by one of her mother’s creepy boyfriends after he had smashed the old one into a wall during an argument. But Emily didn’t feel like sharing that particular piece of feel good history, so she merely shrugged her shoulders.

  Her mother piled a plate with bacon and eggs and put it in front of her. “I know breakfast is your favorite, so why not breakfast for dinner?” Her mother laughed awkwardly. Obviously she was just as aware of how strange this whole scene was.

  Emily pushed her food around with her fork. Her mind was asking a million questions, questions she should be asking her mother. They sat in silence for several minutes; finally her mom broke the quiet. “So how’s school?”

  That was it. That was all it took for Emily to lose it. She threw her fork down on her plate, standing up so fast she knocked the chair backwards. “Are you freaking kidding me mom? How’s school? What the hell do you care? It’s not like you�
��ve made a point in caring for the past…I don’t know…seventeen years!” She screamed her words into her mother’s face, not caring for once that this is what typically led to a nasty confrontation.

  Emily’s mother didn’t seem shocked by her outburst. Instead she calmly put her own fork down, wiped her mouth and looked at her daughter evenly. “I guess I deserve that.” Emily laughter had a bitter edge to it. “Yeah, I’d say you deserve that. It’s not like you’d win mother of the year or anything.” Emily moved across the kitchen, throwing her uneaten food in the trash and then washing the plate in the sink. She kept her back to her mother, not wanting to look at her. Her mom came up behind her and took Emily’s plate from her hands and put it in the drying rack.

  “Well, I told you Em, when I came home I was making some changes. And for once I'm not lying. I went to my first AA meeting today. It was hard. Probably one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. And I got a job answering phones and making appointments down at Randy’s Car Repair. It's not much but it will at least earn me a paycheck, one that doesn’t come from a bar.”

  Emily’s heart thrummed at the prospect of her mother getting help and getting on track. But she had experienced false hope one too many times and she knew it was a slippery slope, one that would only end in heart ache and disaster. She realized as her mother was talking, how much she had removed herself from her mother’s emotional roller coaster. She cared about her mom getting clean. Of course she did, but she didn't feel the breathless need to believe the words coming out of her mom's mouth like she used to.

  “Well, good for you mom.” The sudden flatness in her voice surprised even her. She began to watch the scene unfold as if she were an onlooker. Her mother moved toward her. “Honey. I’m doing this for you. I could give a shit about me. But I need to start doing something better for you. It’s high time I acted like your mother. Don’t ya think?” Her eyes questioned.

  Emily shrugged. “I think we’re way past the point where my opinion should matter at all. It’s not like it has mattered before. Why start now?” Emily started to walk out of the room when her mom’s words stopped her.

  “Because I had an experience Emily. One that made me question myself and everything I've been doing, that's why.” Emily turned around and stared at her mother. The older woman stood in the middle of the kitchen, wringing her hands. She could tell her mother was trying to tell her something important. Something life altering. But she was finding it hard to listen.

  “Really Em. I’m being honest here. Something happened to me when I left here, after…well…after I hurt you. I took off, drove to the Motel 8 just outside of Charlestown. Charles was with me and we were on a bender. I didn’t give a shit what the hell happened to me. I didn’t care about myself and I sure as hell didn’t care about you and what you were going through.” Her mother’s eyes apologized for the truths she had just spoken.

  “Get to the point mom.” Emily’s patience was quickly coming to an end. She wanted to get up to her room, go to sleep and forget about all of this. Tavin was the only thing that mattered anymore…the only thing that she felt anything for.

  “I am Em. I am. This is hard to explain. I know I was wasted. We had been free basing and I know I drank most of a fifth of whiskey myself. But what I saw was so clear, so real. I went outside to have a cigarette, cause everything is non-smoking now.” Her mother hastily continued, seeing her daughter’s impatient expression.

  “Anyway. I was standing there, it was raining and there was this flash of light. It blinded me. I thought at first it was a car or something. But it was late and there wasn't anybody else around. I remember my cigarette burning my finger and when I bent to put it out I felt this rush of warm air.”

  Her mother’s voice became hushed, a whisper, as she relayed her story. Despite herself, Emily was intrigued. Gooseflesh had broken out over her arms and that tiny voice of instinct told her to listen and listen carefully.

  “Then I saw him. He was beautiful Em. And I knew he was an angel. I just knew it. Have you ever really thought about guardian angels? I know I hadn’t. I’m not exactly a…a spiritual person. That was your Nanny’s bag, definitely not mine. But I knew what he was and I knew he was real. And I heard him speak, like directly into my mind and he told me I needed to come home to you. That you needed me. And then he was gone. When I went back into that motel room I wasn’t loaded anymore. It was like I was seeing stuff for the first time. I kicked that sleaze ball Charles out. He was pretty pissed too. But I just threatened to bean him with the lamp on the table.”

  Her mother laughed, but Emily couldn’t join her. She couldn’t move. Some part of her, deep down, believed her mother’s story. Believed that she had this experience. But then the cold ice of her resentment and pain seeped through her and any acknowledgment of her mother’s story was suppressed by a greater anger.

  “You expect me to believe this mom? You’re nuts. That’s all this tells me. Something I’ve already known for a long time.” The bitterness in her voice slapped her mother harder than any hand could. Emily watched as the hopeful and radiant expression her mother had worn as she talked about her angel disappear, crumple as if it had never been there.

  “I’m not crazy Em. I know what you must think of me. I know I don’t deserve your faith. I’ve done nothing to earn it. But things are going to change. I swear it! That angel changed me. I’m different and I know that I need to be here for you!” Her mother’s voice became desperate, wanting to reach that shut out part that Emily had buried and locked away.

  Her mother touched Emily's face, pressing the palms of her hands to her cheeks. Emily smelled her mother’s perfume, a musky scent that was pleasant for the fact that it wasn’t the staleness of alcohol. “You need me Em. There’s something going on with you...I just know it.” Her mother’s words bothered her. Emily didn't like how close to the truth she was. Emily pulled away from her mom’s grip.

  “Emily, do you hear what I'm saying? There’s darkness around you. I can see it. I think that angel fixed me so I can help you.” Her mother's hushed voice triggered something in Emily. And she began to laugh, a cold and heartless sound.

  “Sure mom. Sure I believe that some angel came to you. You, a worthless drunk who has done nothing but ruin my life. Don’t you think for a second I’m going to let you waltz back with some holy mission, bent on helping me with something you invented in your alcohol induced stupor! Just stay the hell away from me!” Emily ran from the kitchen, up the stairs and to her room. She pulled the lock and sat down on her bed, breath coming fast and uneven.

  She knew her words had been cruel. She had hit below the belt and she felt a twinge of guilt. As much as Emily wanted to forget her mother's words and dismiss it as her out of control imagination, something about it stuck with her. She hated to admit it, but she believed her mom. And what all that meant, she had no freaking clue.

  Chapter 26

  Emily splashed cold water on her face and leaned heavily on the sink. Bright spots danced in front of her eyes and she rubbed her cheeks to give them some color. She had just gotten to work and she was ready to go to sleep. This routine of popping sleeping pills after school was taking its toll. Her circadian rhythms were completely messed up, her body not knowing when she should be sleeping and when she should be awake. It was crazy how once she was actually feeling physically better, psychologically she was a mess. And now once again she was finding herself exhausted and sick, but this time it was of her own making. Which was even more pathetic.

  The door knob on the bathroom door jiggled. “Hey Emily. You in there?” Ava’s voice called from the other side. Emily took a deep breath and called back, “Yeah, I’m here, I’ll be out in a minute.” “Your first tour starts in ten.” Emily heard Ava’s footsteps recede as she walked away. Emily pulled the Red Bull out of her book bag and downed it in a single gulp. Today had been rough at school. Sasha was pretty mad at her. Emily had been ignoring her for weeks now and Sasha was at her limit. Underneat
h her irritation, Emily knew Sasha was worried about her. Emily wanted desperately to share with her what was going on. That she didn’t need to worry about her because she was the happiest she had ever been.

  Emily had gotten a note yesterday to go see the school counselor today. She knew that Mrs. Au had alerted the counselor with her concerns. Emily had blown off photography club for the last three weeks and had been stealthily avoiding the art room. Mrs. Au had finally cornered her at the beginning of the week and had grilled her about what was going on. Emily had given a vague excuse about being sick. Mrs. Au had asked about her mother, obviously worried that her home life had exploded again.

  For once, that wasn’t the problem. Emily smiled at her teacher and assured her she was fine. What none of these people understood was that she was fine. She was happy, for the first time in a long time. The nagging sense of paranoia had lessened and she was sleeping better. It was just she wanted to sleep all of the time.

  Aside from that, she had talked herself into believing that everything was semi-normal. Well, except for her persistant and growing relationship with her fantasy boyfriend. But, details shmetails.

  Emily threw away the can and turned back to the mirror, pulling her hair into a ponytail. As she stood there, yanking her hair into place, she saw movement just behind her. She froze. “What now?” She growled in frustration, trying to push aside the sudden onslaught of fear in the pit of her stomach.

  In the mirror she saw the reflection of a woman standing behind her. She was perfectly still, with long dark hair hanging in front of her face. Emily was paralyzed with fear. Images of The Ring flashed through her head. God, was this chick going to start crawling on the ceiling or something?