Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “Eli!” a voice called out from behind him. “Eli!”

  He turned to discover Derek standing before him. “Savannah would like you to come to the concert tonight.”

  “What?”

  “The concert. She’d like you to be her guest tonight.”

  “I, uh…” Eli looked down at the pavement. “I don’t know. It’s been kind of a hectic day for me.”

  Placing his hand on Eli’s shoulder, Derek gave it a supportive squeeze. “Savannah really wants you to come and it doesn’t start until nine. Think about it. We’ll send a car for you. Give me your number and I’ll call you in a couple hours to see where your head’s at.”

  “All right.” Eli nodded, forcing a smile.

  10

  Three hours later, Eli walked out of his motel room to discover a limousine waiting for him. The driver opened the back door and he climbed inside. It would be his second ride in a car like this. His first was on his wedding day. His thoughts went there for a brief moment before they flashed back to his wife and her little adventure in the pool house with her two new friends. Cringing, he shook his head. Spotting a bottle of champagne chilling in an ice bucket, he called out to the driver. “Is this champagne for me?”

  “Yes, Mr. Stevens, “there’s also a refrigerator stocked with beer,” the driver said.

  “Cool. Thank you.” Opening the door to the refrigerator, he scanned the rows of assorted beer bottles. There were at least ten different types. He could use a drink or two or six after the day he’d had.

  “I heard what you did today,” the driver began. “You’re a hero.”

  “Oh, no. I did what anyone would have done.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  Looking out at the streetlights as the car took the ramp onto the highway, Eli reached for the bottle of champagne.

  The driver pulled the limousine into the underground parking lot below the arena. Eli emerged from the car and was escorted through security. He passed a group of about a dozen excited young women standing behind a roped off area in the hallway.

  When Eli stepped into the dressing room, he saw Savannah strumming on her acoustic guitar and singing. He stopped in his tracks and gaped. This long blonde haired beauty truly cleaned up nicely from her earlier dressed-down look. She wore a sexy black glittery outfit of tight shorts and a top that exposed her flat belly. Her beautiful voice filled the room as she rehearsed one of her biggest hits. He wasn’t exactly sure of the title, but he knew the song. He was positive he’d heard it a hundred times on the radio. Derek, along with a woman with purple hair and another man were in the room. Tinkerbell was asleep, curled up on the sofa next to Savannah.

  Spotting her hero, Savannah beamed. “Eli, I’m so glad you could come.”

  “Thanks for the invitation.” Eli made his way to her.

  “Tinkerbell, look who’s here?” She ran her hand over Tinkerbell’s head and the dog stared up at Eli wagging his tail.

  “Hey there pup.” Eli knelt to stroke Tinkerbell’s fur. The dog rolled over and he rubbed his belly.

  “He really likes you,” Savannah said.

  “What dog doesn’t like a belly rub?” Eli joked.

  “That’s true, but he does really like you. He doesn’t normally give kisses.”

  “I’ll take a raincheck on more of those, but he is cute.” Eli stood upright and looked around the room, taking it all in.

  Smiling up at her hero, Savannah stood, placing the guitar on the floor. Then she wrapped her arms around him, fighting back tears.

  “Savannah,” the purple-haired woman scolded. “You just spent an hour in makeup. Don’t screw it up.”

  “I’m sorry.” She wiped away a tear, pulling away from him. “You need anything? A drink or something to eat?” She pointed toward the back of the room and its impressive spread of fruit, appetizers, sandwiches and candy along with a selection of beverages.

  “No, I’m good.”

  “I think I’m going to have to insist.” Grinning, Savannah headed over to the table and returned with a plate with three crackers adorned with some exotic vegetables and meat. They appeared more like works of art than food. “These are amazing.”

  “Okay, thanks,” Eli replied, taking the plate.

  Widening her eyes, she gazed at him, waiting.

  “Sorry.” He laughed nervously then popped the snack into his mouth and savored it. He covered his mouth in between chews as he asked, “What is this?”

  “I have no idea, but it’s good, right?”

  “It is. Now, I’m like so, so happy that he didn’t shoot me.”

  “You’re hilarious.” She giggled before knitting her brows together. “Oh, and speaking of that asshole, what the hell did he say to you when you guys were struggling?”

  “What?” He narrowed his eyes.

  “While you were fighting. He said something to you about your”—she wrinkled her nose—“your hands or something.”

  “Oh yeah,” Eli began. “He said my hands were nice or soft or…I don’t know.”

  “Huh, let’s see.” She stepped to him.

  He held his hand out for her to inspect. “He was right. You really do have nice hands.” Gently cradling his hand, she turned it to examine his palm. She ran a finger over his skin then turned his hand again, looking closer. “They’re soft, milky smooth. The fingers are long. The knuckles are all proportional. Your nails are perfect.”

  “Really?” Leaning forward, he studied them with his face scrunched up.

  “Yes.” She smiled. “You could totally be a hand model.”

  He said sarcastically, “Okay, I’ll look into that.”

  “I’m serious. I’m sure my publicist could put you in touch with the right people.”

  “Thanks, I’ll let you know.” He shook his head, holding back a smile.

  “All right.” Letting go of his hand, she headed back to the table. “You like beer?”

  “I do.”

  “You’ve got to try one of these pale ales. They make them at this little brewery in my hometown.” She came back with two bottles and handed one over.

  After taking a sip, he said, “That is good.”

  “Told you.” She sat on the sofa and patted the cushion next to her before placing her beer on the table.

  He sat and took a sip. “I really do appreciate you inviting me.”

  “Don’t say another word.” Picking up her guitar, she strummed it. “Hell, I may even write a song about you.”

  “Please don’t.” He rolled his eyes.

  “I might have to.” She smirked. “Maybe it will be about your hands.”

  “No, don’t do that.” He grinned for a moment shaking his head. Then after taking a deep breath, he ran his fingers through his hair. “I, um, actually wrote a song for a girl once.”

  “What happened?”

  “Let’s just say she didn’t like it or I guess she didn’t like me.”

  “How do you know?”

  “She slept with the other guy.”

  “Ah.” They shared a laugh. She jerked her chin toward the guitar. “Do you play?”

  He cocked his head. “I do a little. I know a few chords. Enough not to embarrass myself.”

  “Play me something.” She held out the guitar.

  “No.” He took a sip from his beer. “No way.”

  “Come on,” she whined. “I usually get what I want so you might as well just do it.”

  “Really?”

  “No, that’s not true. I always get what I want.” She raised an eyebrow, smiling brightly. “It sort of comes with the territory.”

  “I’ll bet.”

  She chuckled. “The trick is to not let it go to your head, become a diva and demand ridiculous crap.”

  “What like a certain color gummy bear?”

  “Yep, so you’ve heard about artists making someone sort through all the gummy bears to pick out just one color?”

  “Well, the clear ones are incredible.”
He cocked his head, holding back a smile.

  “I know, right?”

  They shared a knowing look and a laugh.

  He said, “You seem down to earth.”

  “I am mostly. But I’m going to have to insist that you play me something.” She widened her eyes, waiting.

  He placed his beer on the table, and then took the guitar. “But don’t expect too much, because I took lessons from this guy when I was in high school, but I stopped after he killed himself.”

  “What?”

  He explained, “No, he didn’t kill himself because my playing was bad or anything. I think he had some personal problems.”

  “Oh, good.” She giggled. “Now, play.”

  “The only song I really know is Purple Rain.”

  She said, “That’s not an easy song to play.”

  “Actually it is. I mean, the way I do it, it is. I learned how to play it with only four chords. G, E minor, D and C.”

  “Let’s hear it.” She pulled her legs up on the sofa. She turned to him impatiently bouncing up and down.

  “All right.” He smiled, focusing his attention on his fingers on the neck of the guitar. ” Just give me a second here. It’s been a couple months since I held one of these.”

  His first strum was a disaster and he cringed. “Sorry.”

  They shared a chuckle then after taking a few much better practice strums, he began playing the song. She broke into a wide grin, her head moving up and down along with the tune.

  “Don’t expect me to sing, though,” he said.

  “Come on.” She raised her palms in the air, shooting him a tired expression.

  “No, you’re the singer not me.” He continued playing the song and was doing a very respectable job with it.

  Savannah closed her eyes and she moved her body along with the music. After the intro, she started singing the lyrics in her uniquely beautiful and powerful voice. Glancing up from the guitar, he looked at her and smiled as she continued singing while he played.

  After she completed the chorus, she stopped singing and opened her eyes to look at him, beaming. “Let’s do it tonight!”

  “Do what?”

  “This song. For the audience. They’ll love it.”

  “Me?” He scoffed.

  “Yes, you are really good.”

  “I don’t think so.” He returned the guitar to her.

  “I’m serious. I’ve been wanting to cover a Prince song since he died. It’ll be a great tribute to him. It’s such a tragedy.”

  “He was so talented.” He sighed. “I don’t know. This is a big place. There must be ten thousand people here.”

  “Try twenty.” She widened her eyes. “But don’t think about it like that. Just pick one person out of the crowd and play to them.”

  “Yeah, right.” Picking up the beer, he took a big swig before turning to her. “What if I freeze up or screw it up?”

  She waved her hand at him. “You’ll be fine and my band will be playing too so if you get lost, simply disconnect from the amp.” Turning the guitar, she showed him the connection on the bottom for the amplifier. “Just pull the plug. No one will know.”

  “I’ll think about it.” He took another sip then exhaled deeply. “It’s been a crazy day already, I don’t think I could stand any more excitement.”

  “Okay, no pressure,” she began. “But have a couple more pale ales. That’ll give you some courage.”

  “It couldn’t hurt.”

  While Savannah went over some last-minute details with her band, Eli sat in the corner quietly rehearsing the song and enjoying two more beers. Twenty minutes later Derek came through the door and called the band to the stage. Savannah approached Eli wearing a supportive smile. “How you doin’?”

  “Good.” He rose to his feet. “Just a little nervous.”

  “Don’t be. Derek will take you backstage to watch and he’ll come get you when it’s time. We’ll do the song about halfway into the show.”

  He rubbed his chin. “Are you really sure about this?”

  “You’ll be fine.” She placed her hand on his arm. “It’ll be fun.”

  He nodded, unconvinced.

  “Hey, I swear I heard you shredding it over here.” She narrowed her eyes. “Did I?”

  “You did,” he replied sheepishly.

  “You’ve got to totally do that on stage.”

  “You think?”

  “Totally. That’s not easy to do on an acoustic guitar. You want an electric one instead?”

  “No way.” His eyes bugged out of his head. “I’ve never played one.”

  “You’re a little better with that thing than you let on.”

  “It’s starting to come back to me,” he said with a shrug.

  “Great, see you out there.” Smiling, she turned and headed toward the door.

  11

  Seated in the front row and wearing their VIP passes, Nicole and Christie gazed around the huge arena, grinning. Both attractive college students were dressed in short shorts. Nicole wore a black lace top showing off her pink demi-bra underneath and Christie wore a tight white belly shirt.

  “I can’t believe we actually get to meet her after,” Nicole said.

  “I know.” Christie tucked a stray blonde hair behind her ear. “How’d you do on your final?”

  “Which one?” Nicole asked.

  “Shit, you had two today?”

  “Uh-huh. I think I did all right on the history one, but that biology one, sheesh, I don’t know.” She sighed. “I’m so glad that was my last one.”

  “We’ve got to drink tonight to celebrate.”

  “We do.”

  They shared a smile. A cell phone rang in Nicole’s purse and she pulled it out, handing it over to her friend. “If it’s him, don’t let me answer.”

  Christie glanced at the display. “They must’ve hung up.”

  The ringing continued and Nicole pulled a second phone out of her purse.

  “Now you have two phones?” Christie asked, confused.

  “No, careful with that one. It’s actually like a Taser stun gun thing, but it looks exactly like a cell phone. My father sent it to me for protection.” Nicole turned the second phone display toward her friend.

  “It is Dave.” Christie sneered before she curled her lips up into an evil smile. “Maybe you should use that stun thing on him.”

  “Maybe I should.” Nicole paused a moment to contemplate using the weapon on her bastard of a boyfriend. Well, probably ex-boyfriend now that he was headed down to Cancun without her. They’d been planning the trip all semester. She was convinced he was hooking up with other girls. She pursed her lips then said, “Screw him.”

  “Yeah, screw him.” Christie repeated just as the lights brightened. Seconds later Savannah Swain strutted out on stage sending the huge crowd into a frenzy. The two young women raised their arms in the air and cheered for the superstar.

  Eli watched the concert from backstage along with a couple dozen other people. He spotted a few celebrities among the group. After checking on him and finding he was still a bit nervous about his public debut, Derek had one of the crew bring him another beer. At almost an hour into her set, Savannah took a bow. The crowd roared as the band played the last note on one of her newest songs.

  When the cheering subsided a bit, she approached the microphone and began, “I don’t know if you heard, but today I very nearly died.”

  Gasps rang out from the audience, as many seemed to question whether they’d heard her correctly.

  Wide-eyes filled the almost silent crowd as she continued, “I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and if it wasn’t for one man coming to my rescue, this day might have turned out a whole lot differently. He literally saved me and, more importantly, my dog, Tinkerbell, from a man with a gun who was robbing a store.”

  The crowd murmured now, obviously in shock, as Savannah pulled the microphone from the stand. She turned toward the back of the stage, motioni
ng with her hand. “I’d like to bring him out now.”

  Eli emerged from the shadows and the crowd roared. He appeared completely out of his element as his eyes adjusted to the bright lights while he tentatively made his way toward her.

  Savannah smiled at him, then grabbed him for a big hug and the crowd went nuts. When she finally released him, she took his hand and held the microphone up. “Eli, this is everyone.”

  He waved to the crowd.

  “And everyone, this is Eli.” The crowd broke into loud cackles of laughter and whistles. When it quieted down a little, she loudly said into the microphone, “He’s like some sort of superhero who can disarm criminals in seconds.”

  “No, I’m not.” He made a face, shaking his head.

  “What?” Savannah said over the roar of the crowd before placing the microphone near him.

  “No, I’m really not,” he said and his words reverberated around the arena. “I just, uh, I don’t know, got lucky.”

  “And modest too.” Savannah winked at the crowd. “He’s the real star here today. With no regard to his own safety, he came to my defense. Let’s hear it for Eli.”

  The audience cheered with deafening volume as she lifted her arms in the air. She took a step back and pointed toward the shy hero. She bowed to him in a we’re-not-worthy style.

  He rolled his eyes and lifting his arms, motioned to quiet the audience. When the crowd eventually calmed to a dull roar, Savannah added, “And he’s going to play with us tonight. Neutralizing bad guys evidently isn’t his only talent. He can shred an acoustic guitar.”

  “I can play one song,” Eli yelled out.

  “What?” She held the microphone out for him.

  “I can play one song!”

  She announced, “He can play the shit out of that song!”

  The crowd burst into laughter followed by cheers as Savannah kissed him on the cheek. She pointed to the acoustic guitar waiting on the stand.

  As he headed over to it with the crowd repeatedly screaming out his name, she made her way to the center of the stage. “As you all know the world lost one of its greatest artists this year. We’d like to do one of his most popular songs for you now. Music will never be the same without Prince.”

  The crowd boomed with cheers.