Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “What pills?”

  George glanced down at his lap then flashed him a grin.

  “Christ, not those Long Dong pills.” Eli gave him a sickened look. “Just because you need them—”

  “It’s called Forlong and I don’t need them.” He pulled a bottle from the drawer and studied the label. “They just help things work better.”

  “You know”—Eli grimaced—“this is sort of like sexual harassment.”

  “Really?” George replied sarcastically.

  “No, but I could probably sue for something.”

  “Good luck with that. A man suing another man for guy talk in the office.” George chuckled as he slid the bottle over to Eli. “I could see you on all the morning shows now.”

  “Ugh. I can’t believe you keep them here?” Eli cringed. “Jesus.”

  “I have all my supplements here, why?”

  Eli exhaled deeply. “I’m not taking those. No way.”

  George chortled. “So, you’re that confident in your ability to please two women?”

  “Well, I—”

  “At the same time,” George interrupted. “Listen, if you could satisfy one on your own, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

  Eli’s frown melted away—replaced with a look of sad resignation. “Okay, I’ll take them, but just in case of an emergency.”

  “Oh, there’ll be an emergency all right.” George gave him a confident smile.

  Rising to his feet, Eli grabbed the pill bottle off the desk and slipped it into his pocket. He asked in an exasperated voice, “Is there anything else?”

  “Nope. Have fun and remember to conference in at eleven.”

  “I will,” Eli grumbled as he headed for the door.

  17

  Back in the Tampa beach house, Anne headed down to the first floor wearing her running gear and stepped into the family room. It was a large room that appeared decorated, like the rest of the house, in a bachelor style.

  Michael’s style.

  A huge black leather sectional sofa was the centerpiece of the room. Each piece was complete with a recliner and cup holder. There was even a small refrigerator in the center section, affording the luxury not to get off one’s ass to grab another beer. She stood in front of the monstrosity and scowled, shaking her head. She broke into a smile picturing that if only it had a toilet, her ex probably never would have left the room.

  On the opposite wall sat two brown leather chairs shaped like baseball gloves. Those she especially hated. An eighty-inch big screen hung above the fireplace. As much as she despised this room, it wasn’t her most hated part of the house. She reserved that for the two identical master bathrooms upstairs. Sitting at opposite corners of the house, each adorned with matching black toilets, bathtubs, double sinks and a urinal. Although having two master suites was a nice feature, she didn’t like the dark modern fixtures at all.

  She stepped into the kitchen to fill her bottle of water for her run, frowning at the dark gray cabinets and black granite counters. As she took in Michael’s choices, a mini panic attack set in. She had to get out of the house.

  Now!

  Maybe a run would help calm her nerves.

  After dropping Savannah and her entourage off in Atlanta, the plane continued with its three remaining passengers on the short trip to Tampa. Riding in the limo that the generous singer had also provided, Eli sat between the young women as the driver headed to their beach house destination.

  Eli said, “I’m really glad that you decided to come.”

  “We’re looking forward to it,” Nicole said.

  “I just, um…” He shrugged, motioning with his hands nervously. “I, uh…”

  “What is it?” Christie asked.

  He cleared his throat. “We all had a little too much to drink last night and that can make you say things that you, you wouldn’t normally…”

  The young women looked at him confused.

  He continued, “Sorry, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t expect you to be my Tampa love slaves or anything. I don’t want—”

  “You saved Savannah and we want to take good care of you.” Nicole placed a hand on his arm and squeezed it seductively.

  “Yes, you could have died.” Christie put her hand on his other arm, giving him a sincere look.

  “Um, well…” His gaze went from their hands touching him to Nicole’s cleavage, busting out of her tiny top. He swallowed hard. “Yeah, it was pretty close there.”

  “Let us take care of you,” Nicole said, gliding her tiny, soft hands through the hair on his arms.

  “Okay.” Goosebumps formed on his skin, as he stared straight ahead while a grin spread over his face.

  The limo pulled up to the large house. The three stepped out of the car and shared a smile.

  “How rich is your friend?” Christie asked.

  “Geez, he’s doing better than I thought.” Eli headed toward the front door, reading the key code from the notes on his phone before punching it into the lock.

  As they entered the house and walked into the family room, the two women both wore a scowl. Nicole said, “Who decorated this place. Your friend’s married, right?”

  “Divorced.” Eli admired the big screen. “That’s a nice TV.”

  Christie said, “It’s big all right.”

  Nicole stepped to the French doors and looked out to the backyard, smiling. “I’m totally going to spend some time in that hot tub.”

  “Me too.” Christie joined her at the door. “Now this is beautiful.”

  Eli stepped outside followed by the young women and they gazed around in awe.

  Nicole pulled out her cell phone and snapped a few pictures of the pool. “Let’s get a selfie.” She motioned for them to come to her. They stood together as she held the phone out and took the photo.

  Eli stepped to the edge of the pool and took a deep breath. “I’m going to be floating in that pool drinking some beer. Yep, I’m going to be doing that a lot.”

  Nicole and Christie stood behind him. Nicole whispered into Christie’s ear then the two young women shared a raised-eyebrow, knowing look. Both women pulled their Tshirts off and stood still with their eyes wide, waiting for him to notice. Nicole said, “I think you’ve been patient enough.”

  “What?” Eli turned around and the moment he laid his eyes on them in their sexy lace bras he exhaled sharply.

  Christie said, “We’re going upstairs to take a shower. Wanna join us?”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. His gaze went from one to the other and he stared mesmerized.

  Grinning, Nicole widened her eyes. “So are you down for a shower?”

  “Sorry, yes, definitely. Just give me a minute.”

  “Meet us up there,” Christie began. “But don’t make us wait too long.”

  He nodded quickly with his mouth still hanging open. The women flashed him a sexy smile, turned and headed inside.

  Cocking his head, he watched them through the door until they turned the corner to head up the stairs. He quickly cupped his hand over his mouth, blew his breath into it and sniffed it, frowning slightly.

  Rushing inside, he headed to his suitcase, pushed it over and opened it. He moved clothes aside in a desperate search until he located a small black bag. He unzipped it, pulled out a tin of Altoid mints and shoved four into his mouth.

  Standing at the bottom of the stairs, he rubbed his hands together and a smile formed on his face. He began the climb, chewing on the mints.

  When he reached the top of the stairs, he looked left then right and rubbed his chin. There was a set of double doors on either side of a long hallway as well as several rooms in between. He stood still for a moment listening, then upon hearing water running to the right; he pulled off his shirt and headed that way.

  He walked through the double doors into a large bedroom and the sounds of the shower water running grew louder. He removed the rest of his clothing and headed into the bath
room.

  Standing in the middle of the room, he stood naked and gazing at the curvy silhouette of the woman behind the fogged glass of the shower doors. For just a second, he looked curiously at the single form in the shower. He immediately lost that train of thought when the woman’s breasts came mostly into focus. Even in his slightly obscured view, they were still nothing short of spectacular.

  He gasped. The excitement was evident not only on his face, but also a bit lower as well. He glanced down quickly, smiled in satisfaction then stepped toward the shower.

  The woman inside turned off the water, opened the glass door and reached out to grab a towel.

  Eli said, “You’re finished. Where’s—”

  The woman screamed. She dropped the towel and covered herself with her hands. “Oh my God! Who are you! How did you—”

  “What?” Eli’s widened his eyes in shock. “Who are you?”

  The woman looked down at his groin and sneered. He followed her gaze to his erection and quickly covered it up, taking a step back.

  She reached down to pick up the towel then pulled back into the shower, panicking. She pressed her body close to the tile wall. “Who am I? What the hell are you doing here?”

  “I was looking for—”

  “Put your hands up!” she commanded as she peered out while wrapping the towel around her breasts and securing it.

  “What? I sorta have them down here for a reason.”

  The woman kept her eyes on him as she reached blindly into the shower for something. Suddenly, she stepped out of the shower holding a disposable razor in a threatening manner.

  Well, as threatening as a disposable razor could be.

  “I said hands up!”

  “Okay. Okay, but think about it.” He shook his head, putting his hands in the air. “Where could I be hiding a weapon?”

  “Shut up.” She took another step to him. “Back up!”

  He stepped back until he reached the sink.

  She glanced to his still engorged penis, sickened. “Pervert. I’m calling the police.”

  “Don’t I can expl—”

  “Save it.” She stepped away from the shower with the razor pointed his way. She looked him in the eye, but her gaze kept returning lower. She cringed once again as she shuffled her way toward the door.

  “What are you going to do with that?” he asked. “The blade guard is still on it.”

  “What?”

  He pointed to the razor. “The plastic thing is still on it.”

  “Oh.” After glancing at the blade, she flicked the cover off the razor sending it shooting across the room. She nodded, determined. “Don’t move.”

  “All right.”

  Suddenly the two towel-covered young women appeared in the doorway. They looked at Eli then to the weapon-yielding woman with their eyes bugging out of their heads.

  Christie said, “Who’s she?”

  “What’s going on here?” Anne looked at the women then to Eli then back again.

  Eli lowered his hands. “Michael told me I—”

  “What?” Anne turned to him. “You know Michael?”

  “Yes, he said I could stay here.”

  “Michael. I…I’m Anne.” She sighed in relief. “Jesus, you scared me to death. I thought, uh…”

  “So you’re Anne.” He raked a hand through his hair, exhaling deeply. “That makes a lot of sense.”

  Anne’s attention returned to his nakedness and upon noticing, he covered his groin. “Can someone please hand me a towel?”

  Anne tossed him a towel and he wrapped it around his waist.

  Christie and Nicole shot him confused looks. Nicole said, “What’s going on exactly?”

  Eli said, “You see this is my friend Michael’s house and that’s his wife.”

  “Ex-wife,” Anne corrected him.

  “I’m sorry. When he told me I could use the house, I assumed that no one else would be here.”

  “I wasn’t supposed to be here. At least I didn’t mention it to him.” Anne exhaled sharply before taking a seat on the edge of the bathtub. She held her hand to her chest. “My heart’s still racing. Could anyone else use a drink?”

  18

  With everyone now fully dressed, Eli, Anne and the two young women sat at the kitchen table. Anne sipped from a wineglass while the other three held beer bottles. Anne held back a laugh as she asked, “So, which one of you is the lucky girl he was trying to climb in the shower with?”

  Nicole and Christie looked at one another wearing almost identical embarrassed smiles. Then they turned to Anne, each raising an eyebrow.

  Anne scoffed with her eyes wide. “Seriously? What is he a rock star?”

  Christie said, “Well, sort of.”

  Eli said, “No, you don’t understand.”

  “Have you three been dating long?” Anne let out a humorless laugh.

  Christie said, “No, we just met at the Savannah Swain concert.”

  “You just met!” Anne exclaimed.

  “It’s a really long story,” Eli began with a groan. “And, I don’t think—”

  “Eli saved Savannah. He’s a hero actually,” Nicole interrupted.

  “How old are you two?” Anne asked in a judgmentally icy tone.

  Christie replied, “We’re both twenty-one.”

  “Twenty-one!” Anne snapped. “And what are you like, forty?”

  Eli looked at her, insulted. “I’m thirty—ish, but you don’t understand.”

  “Oh, I think I understand.” Anne shot him a pointed look then she grumbled, “I more than understand.”

  Eli said, “Listen, this isn’t what it looks like. My wife and I—”

  “You’re married!” Anne laughed. “At least Michael only left me for one younger woman. I’m not sure if leaving me for two would be worse.”

  “I didn’t leave anyone for anyone.” Eli sighed, pulling out his cell phone. “And I really don’t think I need to explain myself to you.”

  Christie asked, “Did you decorate this place yourself?”

  Anne shook her head. “God, no. Michael picked out everything. Wait.” Rising up from the table, she crossed the kitchen to the counter. She picked up a vase and held it up wearing a scowl. “I lied. I actually picked this out.”

  Nicole shrugged and said weakly, “It’s pretty.”

  “Um, yeah, it really ties the room together,” Christie added.

  “It really doesn’t,” Anne said, defeated.

  Eli turned the phone to the girls. “I found us a hotel. What do you think?”

  Returning to the table with the vase, Anne sat down and sipped from her wineglass. She stared at the vase, shaking her head as she softly said, “I can’t stay here.”

  “What?” Christie asked.

  “Nothing.” Anne focused on Eli’s phone. “What hotel is that?”

  “The Vinoy Renaissance in St. Petersburg.”

  “That’s nice, but it’s pricey. I have a friend at the Don CeSar, let me…” Anne’s words trailed away as she gazed at the vase. She looked out toward the family room taking in the furnishings and cringed.

  “You think the Don CeSar is better?” Eli asked.

  “What?” Anne turned to him.

  “You were saying about that other hotel.”

  “You guys stay,” Anne began softly. “I’ll go.”

  “What?” Eli asked.

  “You can stay.” Anne repeated louder, nodding confidently.

  “No, we couldn’t put you out like that. We can easily move to a hotel. It’s not a problem.” Eli raised his eyebrows. “Or, I guess, we could share the house. I mean, it’s pretty big.”

  “No, this place holds far too many memories for me. In fact, I couldn’t sleep last night after I found…” Anne pressed her lips together then waved her hand at them. “I insist. I really don’t think I can stay here anymore. You guys enjoy it.” She turned toward the girls, frowning slightly. “It looks like you’ll certainly have more fun that I was going
to have.”

  “You sure?” Eli asked.

  “I’m positive.” Placing a finger to her chin, Anne said, “I’ll call my friend at the Don CeSar.”

  19

  The grand hotel built almost ninety years ago and remodeled multiple times sits on a gorgeous white sand beach. It made a beautiful addition to the skyline of the small community.

  Anne walked into the lobby, rolling her large suitcase and headed to the front desk. “I’m here to see Becky. I’m Anne Martin.”

  “One moment.” Picking up the phone, the clerk dialed a number. “There’s an Anne Martin here for you.”

  Anne turned to look out the window to the picturesque emerald waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Taking a deep breath, she smiled. Staying in Florida was the right decision and getting out of that house was an even better one.

  “She’ll be right with you,” the clerk said.

  “Thank you.”

  Becky and Anne had known each other for more than five years. They met at a gym back when Anne’s marriage was still intact. They came to know one another when she and Michael were spending large blocks of time in Tampa. Becky was also divorced, but her marriage had ended a few weeks before the two women met.

  The elevator door opened and Becky headed over wearing a bright smile. “Why didn’t you tell me you were in town?”

  Anne said, “It was a last-minute trip.”

  The two shared a hug.

  “What’s going on at the house? You remodeling or something?” Becky pleaded, “Please tell me you’re remodeling.”

  “I wish.” Anne rolled her eyes. “We had a little miscommunication. One of Michael’s friends is staying there and I didn’t realize it.”

  “You know you have an open invitation here anytime.”

  Anne said, “I appreciate that.”

  “How long are you staying?”

  “Maybe a couple days. No more than a week.”

  “Let’s get you settled.” Becky turned to the clerk. “What suites do we have open for the next week?”

  The clerk scrolled the mouse across the pad and clicked a few times. “1119, 1135 and 1236.”

  “Let me have 1236,” Becky began. “Put it under my name and comp it.”