Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

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Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy Page 16

by Luke Young


  “Oh, yes.” She rose to her feet still watching Eli.

  Standing, he curled his arm around her waist, tugging her next to him. “I missed you.”

  She leaned back, a bit surprised. “I, uh, missed you too.”

  He looked deeply into her eyes. “I don’t know what it is, but that guy rubs me the wrong way.”

  “Really? I, think he’s nice.”

  “I think you should be careful.”

  “Okay.” Sensing his jealously, she placed her hands on his chest and forced a smile. She pushed back from him. “I’d better get ready if we’re going to make it in time.”

  31

  Eli walked with purpose toward the house, shaking his head and muttering under his breath. “Big, tall, Italian bastard. What the hell am I doing?” Looking skyward, he rolled his eyes then jogged. “I can’t believe this shit. That’s it. I’m getting laid. No booze! No nightmare dick pills! No third-degree-burn death bath! I’m going to—” Stepping off the sidewalk and into the street, Eli didn’t get a chance to finish that passionate thought as he was interrupted by screeching brakes. Widening his eyes, he looked up just in time to see the terrified expression of the driver right before he braced himself for the impact of the vehicle’s windshield. As the car screeched to a halt, the preoccupied runner rolled off the hood and onto the pavement and lay there motionless.

  Eli lay in a hospital bed covered in a full body cast. Only his battered and bruised face was visible outside of the white plaster material. He glanced down at his midsection, spotting a cast over his pronounced erection. He smiled weakly. Anne, Christie and Nicole stood around him. Members of the hospital staff gawked at him through the windows that surrounded the room; they began to laugh. The laughter grew louder then Anne, Christie and Nicole joined in. Suddenly the door opened and Ausonio walked in holding a huge bouquet of flowers that he presented to Anne. She beamed! As he opened his arms, she stepped to him…

  Yanked from his hallucination, Eli groaned. He moved slightly and opened his squinting eyes, blinded by the blazing sun. Gazing up from his position lying on the pavement, he said, “What the hell?”

  A teenage boy stood over him, trembling. “Dude, are you okay?”

  “What?”

  “You okay?”

  “Shit.” Eli grimaced as he sat up. He studied his legs, running his hands over them and pulling them to his chest. He looked at the car before finally turning his attention on the young man’s face. “I think I’m fine.”

  The driver put his hand out. Eli took it and slowly rose to his feet. “You sure?”

  “Yes.” Bending forward, Eli placed his hands on his knees and took a deep breath. “How’s your car?”

  The young man looked at the windshield and it showed no signs of damage. He headed over to the car for a closer inspection. “I think it’s okay. Dude, you’ve got to look where you’re going.”

  “I know. I know.” Eli moved beside him.

  “You’re not going to call the police or anything?” the young man asked with concern.

  “No, I’m good.”

  “Don’t die or anything, because my father would kill me.” The driver headed back to his car and opened the door.

  “Don’t worry.” Eli’s lips curled up into a slight smile. “Not today. I’ve got something to do.”

  After checking carefully both ways, he quickly crossed the street. When he arrived back at the house, he rushed upstairs anxiously searching for his friends. Finding the bedrooms empty, he quickly located his houseguests sunbathing by the pool. He headed out to them then bent over, hands on his knees, struggling to catch his breath.

  “What’s up?” Christie asked.

  Panting, he put a finger up. “Hold on.”

  Nicole and Christie shared a confused look and turned to him.

  Finally, he exhaled deeply then stood upright. “I’ll tell you what’s up.” Folding his arms over his chest, he continued with his confidence and desire growing with every word, “I want to take you two upstairs and do everything I’ve been trying to do since we met. You’re both gorgeous and I haven’t had sex in months. I’m going to fuck you both so hard all night long!”

  “What about Anne?” Christie asked.

  “Anne who?” He shrugged. “I’ll try not to hit my head or fall down the steps or accidentally kill either of you. Let’s just do it, right fucking now!”

  Christie and Nicole looked at each other and shared a casual nod.

  “Who could say no to that?” Nicole joked.

  Christie said, “Seriously you’re really turning on the charm now.”

  “Sorry.” He put a hand up. “Listen, I’m sick and tired of all the, I don’t know. I just, I want you both. I want you both right now.”

  “Well, okay then.” Nicole rose to her feet. “Let’s go.”

  He followed the two beauties into the house, gazing dreamily at their bodies throughout the entire journey. Once they reached the bedroom, the women turned to him and unhooking their bikini tops, dropped them at the same time. His jaw fell open as he took in the sight of them. “Oh, wow.”

  As they pushed off their bottoms, he kicked off his tennis shoes, pulled off his sweaty T-shirt and stood before them wearing only shorts and socks. Pressing his nose to his shoulder, he sniffed and made a face. “I really need a shower.”

  “Wait!” Christie put a hand up. “Do you really want to take that chance?”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “You might slip on the soap or something.”

  “Good point.” He took a step closer to them. “So you won’t mind if I’m a little dirty?”

  “We’re all lotioned up and dirty too.” Nicole ran her tongue over her lips as she climbed onto the bed. “Let’s all be dirty together. Sheets can be washed.”

  “That they can.” He smiled, dropped his shorts and underwear then tore off his socks.

  Christie got up on the mattress and turned to him, drinking in his sweaty, muscular body.

  Looking down, he frowned when he noticed, little Eli was just about the smallest and as shriveled up as he’d ever seen him. “Huh.”

  “What is it?” Nicole asked.

  “I guess I’m nervous.”

  “I think we can make him feel a little more comfortable,” Christie said.

  He climbed onto the mattress, lying down between them. The women curled up on his chest and he placed a hand on each of their rear ends, massaging them sensually. “You are both so hot.”

  “Mm-hmm.” Nicole ran her hand slowly down his stomach to his groin. Wrapping her fingers around his flaccid penis, she stroked it as she licked his nipple.

  “That feels amazing.” He closed his eyes.

  “You do taste dirty.” Nicole pulled up and gave him a naughty grin. “But I like it.”

  Christie pressed her lips to his, sliding her tongue into his mouth. He kissed her hard and moaned as Nicole kept stroking his still completely soft manhood.

  Craning his neck, he looked down at his penis and scowled as Christie kissed his neck. Nicole continued to stroke him as she attempted to elicit some response down there.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I’m maybe just a little tired from my run.”

  “It’s not a big deal.” Nicole rose to her knees and moved down, placing one hand under his balls as she continued to massage him. “How’s this?”

  “That feels great,” he muttered. “Keep doing that.”

  Christie slid her body up, presenting a breast near his face. He panted before sucking it into his mouth and rolling his tongue around her nipple. She ran her fingers through his hair and groaned. “Oh, Eli.”

  “I want you to take me first,” Christie said.

  “Okay.” He propped himself up on his elbows and glanced down at his condition. He wasn’t any bigger, if anything, it had essentially shrunk a little more. “Fuck.”

  Nicole said, “I’m trying.”

  Christie turned to check on the progress and sighed.
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br />   Eli rose to his knees. “I think I need a minute.”

  “That’s fine,” Christie replied.

  He pointed toward the bathroom. “I’ll, um, be right back.”

  “Take your time.” Nicole lay back against the headboard.

  He slipped into the bathroom and closed the door. Moving in front of the mirror, he gazed down disgusted at his poor excuse for a penis. Right at that moment, it was tiny and bordering on inverted. Grabbing it between two fingers, he turned the head upward. “Don’t do this to me. Have you seen those two? This is your last chance you dick, no pun intended. Now get in the game.”

  He pulled on it. After thirty seconds with no response whatsoever, he let it go and said, “Listen, I know the other night I was telling you to go down and now I’m asking you to get up. I know that I’m sending mixed messages, but please I’m begging you.”

  I’m actually talking to my penis right now. And dammit, I think he’s winning the argument.

  Taking hold of his penis again, he stroked it faster. Rising on his tiptoes, he strained every muscle in his body. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the task at hand. After two solid minutes of working it with very little to show for it, he let it go and sneered. “You suck. You really do.”

  He emerged from the bathroom and stepped into the room. Christie and Nicole wore sympathetic looks as their eyes shot immediately to his unexcited groin then to his face. Sitting on the bed, he dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Christie placed a hand on his shoulder.

  “Yeah, it’s totally not a big deal.” Nicole moved to her knees.

  “No, it is a big deal.” He turned to them. “You must think I’m not attracted to you or something. That’s not true at all.”

  “We don’t think that,” Nicole said.

  “Maybe if you watched us for a little while,” Christie said.

  “Watched you what?” he asked.

  “You know.” Christie batted her lashes.

  “Oh, yes. I’ve always fantasized about doing that.”

  “Join in whenever you’re ready.” Nicole pressed her lips to her girlfriend’s and the two shared a hot kiss.

  Rising to his feet, Eli stared mesmerized as the two-girl show began. He slid his hand down to his manhood and stroked it. The women moved into the sixty-nine position with Nicole on all fours above Christie. He watched, attentively, the two obviously super-close friends take to devouring each other before him.

  “Holy fuck.” He gasped, pulling harder and harder on himself, watching unblinkingly. Unfortunately, even this wasn’t doing the trick. It was a lot like pulling soft taffy. There was absolutely no response below his waist. Sighing, he glanced down at his penis then let go of it. “Damn it.”

  Christie and Nicole were in a zone, lapping at each other with unbridled passion. With their moaning intensifying by the second, he simply stood with his arms folded, wearing an expression of utter despair.

  It went on and on until finally the two young women climaxed at right about the same moment. He watched it all, but mostly out of courtesy since, at that moment, he had just about had it with all things sex.

  As the two were coming down from their erotic highs, they turned to him wearing satisfied smiles until they noticed that his condition remained unchanged.

  “Still.” Christie rose to her knees as she struggled to catch her breath.

  “Oh.” Nicole placed a hand on her chin as she shot him a sorrowful look. “Maybe you just need some sleep.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” he grumbled, pointing toward the door. “Or maybe I’ll wheel the gas grill into the garage, close the door and turn it on.”

  “Come on.” Nicole held back a laugh.

  “I’m kidding,” he said halfheartedly. “But I think I’m going to sleep in the other room. You guys have fun.”

  The young women shared a frown as he slowly walked away.

  32

  At five minutes after eleven the next morning, Eli’s cell phone chimed with an incoming video conference call. He stirred from his depressed and exhausted slumber and groggily reached for the device. He read the screen and cursed when he saw who was calling. He paused a moment then accepted the call.

  The image of George, Jim and Dave sitting at a conference table appeared. George said, “Where the hell have you been? You’ve missed two meetings.”

  “I’ve been a little busy.”

  “Good.” George perked up. “That’s what I wanted to hear. Tell us.”

  Jim and Dave gave him half a wave.

  “Hey guys,” Eli grumbled halfheartedly.

  “Looks like you’re still in bed,” George said. “Turn the camera around so we can see who’s there with you.”

  “I’m alone.”

  “That stinks. So, what’s been going on there?”

  “I’ll tell you what’s been going on here.” Eli sat up and pointed at the screen. “You know those Forlong pills you gave me? The ones you take because you can’t get it up anymore.”

  Jim and Dave broke into laughter and George glared at the screen. Suddenly the image froze and Eli could no longer hear or see what was going on at the other end of the call. He chuckled for the first time since he laid eyes on Anne’s new Italian boyfriend.

  When George finally reappeared, he was alone. Eli’s eyes lit up as he asked condescendingly, “Oh, where are Jim and Dave?”

  “They were called away.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “What the hell happened?” George leaned back in his chair, folding his arms.

  “Let’s just say I had a bad experience with that pill you gave me.”

  “Sorry about that. It’s always worked for me.”

  “Yeah, well…” Eli gawked into the camera with his mouth open.

  “Okay, so you had one bad night. What about all the others?” George took a sip from his mug.

  “I really don’t want to talk about it. But I’ll just say that nothing, I mean nothing is going on here.”

  George sighed. “Seriously?”

  “Nothing.” Eli shook his head.

  George asked, “You haven’t had sex with either of those two?”

  “No, I haven’t and I really don’t want to analyze the whole damn thing with you.”

  “But you’ve been there for five days and you still haven’t hooked up with them? How is that even possible?”

  “I sorta met someone else and I don’t know if that’s what’s causing me to…to…”

  “Wait!” George laughed aloud. “You’re living with two hot chicks and you’re after someone else. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “I don’t know.” Eli exhaled, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

  “Obviously.” George made a face. “Who is this other woman?”

  “She’s the ex-wife of my friend. They own this house.”

  “What?” George narrowed his eyes. “You’re trying to get with your friend’s ex! That sounds like a really bad idea.”

  “Oh, you think!” Eli grunted. “Well, that’s pretty much a disaster too.”

  “Hey, you went down there to clear your head and have sex, but it sounds like you’re doing none of that. Pull it together.”

  “I know. I know.”

  “For Christ’s sake would you pick one of the three and get laid already?”

  “Are we done?” Eli grumbled.

  “For now.” George pointed at the screen. “Your assignment and, I suggest you accept it right fucking now, is to go bang someone.”

  “All right. Geez.” Eli disconnected the call and tossed the phone onto the bed.

  33

  Christie and Nicole peered into Eli’s room and found him lying in bed staring at the ceiling. They climbed up on the mattress on either side of him, shaking their heads and holding back smiles.

  “What?” He pulled the covers up to his chin, glancing to one then the other.
After a few moments of silence, he said, “I’ve had enough lectures today so—”

  “We didn’t come to lecture you,” Nicole said.

  “Good.”

  “But we decided something,” Christie said.

  “What’s that?” he asked, hesitantly.

  “That you don’t want to have sex with either one of us.” Nicole knelt on the mattress and pulled her shirt up over her breasts. “Look at these.”

  He opened his eyes wide. “Wow!”

  “Most guys would be reaching out to grab them right now, but not you.” Nicole nodded. “I mean, they’re pretty amazing.”

  “They are,” Eli agreed.

  “And look at this.” Christie stepped off the bed, pushed her shorts and underwear down as she faced away from him. He gasped as he took in the breathtaking view of her curvy ass.

  Christie pulled her shorts up and turned around. Nicole tore the covers off him, exposing his boxer shorts, which were showing no evidence whatsoever of excitement. Frowning, Nicole poked his groinal area with her index finger. “See nothing. No movement at all.”

  He folded his arms across his chest. “Great, so you’re saying I’m gay.”

  “No.” Christie shook her head. “We’re saying that obviously, your head is somewhere else. You’re clearly interested in someone else. Not us. I mean, any other guy’s dick would be stretching out his boxer shorts right about now after what we just showed you. Not to mention the show we put on for you last night. That did nothing for you.”

  He gazed up at the ceiling. “You mean Anne?”

  “Duh,” Nicole said, flicking him in the penis.

  “Hey.” He glared at her. “Knock it off. That really hurts.”

  “How could that hurt when you don’t actually have any balls?” Nicole held her hand above his groin, poised to flick again.

  “Don’t you dare.” He shot her a pointed look, pressing his lips together and fighting back a grin.

  “Well, then get up,” Christie commanded.

  “All right.” Pushing himself to a seated position, he leaned against the headboard. “What do you want me to do?”

  “We want you to pull yourself together. Stop being so depressed and go talk to her.”

 

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