Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “Coach John?” Victoria nodded, and Jillian asked, “Coach John who’s now back with his wife. That Coach John?”

  “I know I’m a bit of a slut.” Victoria widened her eyes. “But he was the only coach I was fucking.”

  “Yeah, right. Sorry. Are you okay? Does he know?”

  “No, absolutely not. He doesn’t know. And you can’t tell him.”

  “Oh, I won’t.”

  “I’m going to tell him as soon as I figure this whole thing out. Please don’t tell Brian. I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. Can you make something up about changing the wedding date? Tell him you just can’t wait to marry him or…”

  Placing a hand over Victoria’s, Jillian gave her a comforting smile. “Sure, I’ll figure something out. So are you keeping it?”

  “Definitely. I never considered… and I thought about adoption, but I spent more than five years of my life obsessing over getting pregnant. Now, when it’s the furthest thing from my mind, it happens. If God wants me to have this baby, well then I’m going to have it.”

  “Wow.” Jillian stared off toward the pool thinking for a few moments. After shaking her head and taking a deep breath, she studied Victoria. “You seem happy. Are you happy?”

  “You know, I am. I really am.”

  “Well then I’m happy for you.”

  “So about the wedding. If you don’t change it, I’ll be seven months pregnant and look ridiculous standing next to you at the ceremony, and no one will want to see me naked on the beach so…”

  “Oh, I’m sure we can do something.”

  “I looked at a calendar. Most colleges get a few days off around Columbus Day. It’s right in the middle of the semester so the workload might not be too bad for Jim and for me.”

  “When is that?”

  “October tenth.”

  “Wow that only gives me about eight weeks to plan everything.” Jillian gave her a confident nod. “But, uh, I think I can pull that off.”

  “I hate to ask you to change everything, but—”

  “Don’t you worry about it one bit. We can work it out. It only takes one afternoon to get married. We can fly down on Friday, and people can fly back on Sunday if they need to get back. It’ll be fine. I can’t wait to hold a baby again and buy the little clothes and…” Suddenly overcome with emotion, a tear fell from Jillian’s eye. “You’ve got to let me babysit all the time.”

  “Okay.” Victoria gave her a skeptical look.

  “I’m serious. I’ll watch the baby while you’re at class or whatever.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. I’m super excited about this.”

  With her voice cracking, Victoria began to lose it. “I, uh, I love you.”

  Standing, Jillian opened her arms wide. Victoria moved into her embrace, and they both sobbed uncontrollably.

  Brian walked outside and gave them an odd look. “What the hell is going on?”

  Victoria and Jillian turned to him while wiping their tears. Jillian said, “Oh nothing. We were just talking about some sad movie.”

  “Oh.” Nodding, he shook his head baffled.

  Victoria pulled herself together. “So how was your birthday? I heard it was a little harried.”

  Jillian glared at her and Brian looked completely lost. “What?”

  “I mean, I heard you were stressed out by those two hot police officers.”

  “Oh, yeah. I, uh, was.” The three stood in silence for a few awkward moments until Jillian said, “I’ll be inside in a minute, we just have some girl talk to—”

  “Ok, sure. No problem, I’ll just, uh, you know.” With his words trailing off, he turned and walked back into the house.

  Once he left, Jillian said, “Don’t tell him what I said about his you know.”

  “I was kidding around. I would never say anything,” Victoria lied. She was already making plans to help him fix his little problem down there in time for their wedding night.

  5

  Waking before Caroline, Jim slipped out of bed. After putting on shorts and a T-shirt, he went to the massage room. He prepared the table, turned on the stone warmer then went to the kitchen to put on the teakettle. He brought a cup into the guest room and placed his hand gently on Caroline’s shoulder. Her eyes opened, and she smiled at him. “Hey, what time is it?”

  “About ten thirty.”

  She yawned, stretching lazily while wearing a sexy grin. “Last night was incredible. You were just…”

  “I know. I do my best work in this house.” He grimaced, realizing what he just said. “Wow that was inappropriate and a little creepy.”

  She nodded in agreement. “Maybe a little.”

  “Yeah.”

  After sharing a frown, he raised his eyebrows. “Did you forget what we’re doing today?”

  She looked at him confused.

  “The massage. I’ve got the stones heating up.”

  “Oh, yeah I can’t wait.”

  He handed her the mug of tea. “Drink this then meet me next door when you’re ready. Victoria’s out and won’t be back until this afternoon. I have a couple things to get ready.”

  A few minutes later, Caroline stood in the door to the massage room, completely naked. She found Jim checking the temperature of the stones. Smiling at her, he motioned toward the table. With a spring in her step, she hurried over and climbed on top of it. He exhaled deeply as he watched her beautiful breasts, which hung deliciously down from her chest as she relaxed on the table with her head in the rest.

  After admiring her for another few seconds, he placed the first warm stone on her back. She groaned, and her body melted into the warm, padded table just a little more.

  “That feels amazing,” she whispered.

  He placed five more stones in an S-shaped pattern on her back and after pouring some massage oil into his palms, he worked it all over his hands. As soon as he placed his hands on her, she sighed deeply. He proceeded to rub every inch of her back around the stones then moved up to her shoulders and neck.

  Five minutes into the session, she let out a long sigh. “You are so good at this.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Please never, ever stop.”

  After ten more minutes of working her upper back, he removed the cooled stones and moved to the other end of the table. He dribbled a thin line of warm oil from her firm ass cheek all the way down her leg and back up the other leg until he reached its perfect twin.

  “Oh, my God,” she groaned softly.

  She spread her legs a bit, and he glanced at her gorgeous parts as he began to work the oil into her legs. Exhaling deeply, his eyes followed his hands up and down her flawless lower body.

  Her moaning continued, and he bent over close to her rear for a better look. Licking his lips, he grinned. He wanted to taste her, but he couldn’t break the rule. His rule was somewhat stupid, but it was still a rule. Feeling his breath on her backside, she lifted her hips off the table toward him.

  He shook his head. “God, you have a beautiful body.”

  “It’s yours—do whatever you want to it.”

  Sliding his hands up her legs to her ass, he firmly massaged each cheek. Occasionally, he slipped a finger onto her tiny hole. With each swipe, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she gasped. She lifted her hips higher off the table, and he stared at her breathlessly, with his excitement growing in his shorts. “Do you, uh, want to get out of here and maybe take a shower?”

  She whispered, “Or you could just slip it in right here.”

  “I really shouldn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “This massage room is for relaxation only. There’s a feng shui thing going on in here and—”

  “Feng shui?”

  “It’s just a stupid rule that…”

  Lifting her head out of the rest, she gave him a sexy look. “You don’t need to explain. I wouldn’t mind washing this oil off anyway. That way you could kiss every inch of my body.”

  “That
was my plan.” He smiled. “Let me just make sure I don’t burn the house down then I’ll meet you in the bathroom.”

  Moving away, he dried his hands on a towel and watched her shake her hips as she took off out of the room. After he turned off the table and the stone warmer, he went to the bathroom where he found her in the shower washing her hair. He watched as the soapy water dripped down her body. Stripping off his clothes, he stepped into the shower with her. She lathered the soap in her hands and gently washed him, all of him, as he groaned with delight.

  After rinsing him off, she turned to face the spray of the water. His erection pressed into the cleft of her firm ass. She reached back and ran her hands along his hips as she pushed back gently. Groaning, he pressed his lips to her shoulder. He trailed kisses down her back until he was on his knees staring at her twin pale cheeks. She spread her legs in anticipation. Breathing heavily, he watched the water cascade down her perfect backside. When he couldn’t wait any longer, he moved his lips to her.

  “Oh, God,” she moaned.

  He kissed her places she’d never had kissed before. Jim continued pleasing her for a long time, with his neck straining and his tongue tiring.

  After she experienced a huge climax, she looked back to him, panting and desperately wanting to please him as she struggled to catch her breath. “Wow, I… don’t tell me she taught you that too?”

  “No, I kind of came up with that on my own.”

  “Good.” She smiled then placed her hands on his chest. She ran them slowly down to his penis, slipped to her knees then began to return the favor.

  When she was done with him, he was left slumped against the shower wall with his heart pounding out of his chest. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but it was too soon. He felt like a moron. They had been dating for just a few weeks, but he wanted to spend every minute with her. She was perfect.

  6

  Victoria returned a few hours later. She and Jim sat out by the pool as Caroline packed their things. He smiled at her. “Thanks for letting us stay here. She enjoyed the massage.”

  Victoria grinned. “Were you able to stick with your no sex in that room rule?”

  “We did, but it wasn’t easy.”

  Her smile faded as the awkwardness of that exchange washed over them both. After sitting in silence for another few moments, he asked, “How are you doing? Are you seeing anyone?”

  “Not really, but I did meet this hot guy on my flight back from Philadelphia. He owns a restaurant and is a little closer to my age.”

  “That’s great.” He glanced quickly to her firm legs. He sighed and thought, Shit, I’m still in love with her. I love both of them. There must be something wrong with me. He shook off those thoughts and said, “Just make sure he’s a good guy before…”

  “Oh, I will.”

  Caroline walked outside and approached them. They both smiled at her, and Caroline said, “Your house is beautiful. I appreciate you letting us stay with you. That massage room he put together is spectacular.”

  “You both can stay with me anytime.”

  Caroline gave her a slightly evil smile. “He has great hands. I almost couldn’t make it through the whole thing without…” she bragged.

  With a twinge of jealously, Victoria glared at Caroline. “I know, he does have great hands. When we, uh—”

  “Okay then.” Getting to his feet, Jim interrupted. “We’d better get on the road if we’re going to make it to North Carolina before midnight.”

  After the two women exchanged fake smiles, they all headed into the house.

  Two days later, Jillian was working on finalizing the arrangements for the expedited October tenth wedding. Brian had verified he could be away from the office, and they checked with Jim to be sure he could make that date as well.

  Jillian told Brian that she had second thoughts about pulling everyone away from their homes around Christmas and the timing worked better in October with some book promotion events that her publisher was planning.

  By the end of that day, she had booked the wedding and reception at the luxurious Hotel Eden Rock and reserved a block of hotel rooms for the anticipated guests. She arranged for a charter flight from Miami to St. Barts and back. She also discovered a large, gorgeous beach mansion available for rent that would serve as a quiet spot for the wedding party to stay separate from the other guests. She thought it would be the perfect place to hold the rehearsal dinner. The wedding coordinator from the hotel helped her immensely in the whole process—everything from choosing a minister to finalizing the menu. In fact, everything was easy, but it was, of course, outrageously expensive.

  After placing a rush order for thirty invitations, she worked with Brian to finalize the guest list. She mailed the invitations two days later, then told Brian it was time he made the call he’d been dreading for months. Although he spoke to his mother about every other week, he failed to mention the important fact that he and Jillian were about to be married. With the invitation on its way, he slept on it one more night then made the call.

  When his mother answered the phone, he just blurted his news out. She didn’t say a word. He went on to explain that the wedding was going to be in St. Barts and that their airplane and hotel reservations would be prearranged. He didn’t apologize for not telling her sooner nor did she ask why he didn’t. The call ended with Beverly simply saying they would be there. There were no congratulations, but there were also no tears, arguments or questions. Brian breathed a sigh of relief.

  In Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, Jim and Caroline were a few days into their hectic beach vacation with Caroline’s wild sister. With the house overflowing with guests, the two of them had absolutely no privacy. They had to sleep in the living area of the small rundown shack, but they were together and blissfully happy. They found they couldn’t even go into the bathroom together without someone knocking on the door every few minutes.

  One night, they were craving each other as they walked along the beach hand in hand. Giving him a suggestive look, she led him toward the dunes. Once there, they slipped down to the sand and knelt as they kissed and explored each other’s bodies with roving hands.

  Moments later, she cried out, “Ouch.” Then she slapped at her calf. “Sorry.”

  She moved to kiss him again but pulled away, this time slapping her arm. “I’m getting all bitten up, let’s get out of here.”

  They rushed back to the house to find six people drinking, laughing and having a great time. They joined in and after downing a beer, they returned to eyeing each other hungrily. After another drink, with the booze accentuating their desires, they could barely contain themselves as they waited for everyone to retire to their rooms. Just after 3:00 a.m., they finally found themselves alone. They were both fully clothed as Caroline slipped on top of him. He ran his hands all over her rear end as she placed her hand over his groin. He gasped.

  Just then, a random guy walked through the living room to the kitchen. Seeing what they were obviously up to, he looked at them, fighting back a smile. “Sorry.”

  They sighed and gave the intruder a tired look. When they were alone again, they went back to it. Moments later, just as she placed her hand on his zipper, her sister came through the front door with two other people.

  Jim and Caroline separated as her sister giggled drunkenly, “Wow, sorry about that. You mind if they crash in here on the floor with you?”

  “Sure,” Jim replied as they sat together on the sofa frowning.

  Widening his eyes, he leaned close to her and whispered, “Do you want to go for a ride?”

  “Yes.”

  Two minutes later, he was driving the car, as she was busy with her head in his lap.

  He gripped the steering wheel tightly. “I can’t do this.”

  Pulling into a public parking area near the beach, he turned off the car. She sat up, and he moved on top of her. They kissed. Placing his hands under her miniskirt, he found she wasn’t wearing panties. They both groaned as he
plunged a finger between her legs. Unbuttoning his pants, she rushed to pull them down to his hips as he lifted her skirt up.

  He tilted her seat back, and they struggled to get into the right position as he slipped between her legs in the cramped car.

  “Shit, I don’t have a condom. They’re back at the place.”

  Pushing her head back against the headrest, she sighed. After closing her eyes for a few moments, she gave him a hopeful look. “Just put it in for a minute and pull out before…”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m just about to get my period, so we’re goo—”

  Before she could get the words out, he pushed inside of her. They shared a groan as their lips locked together with tongues exploring each other’s mouths while he pumped into her with passion.

  “Oh,” she cried out. “I hate condoms. Your cock feels so… Oh God, I should go on the pill.”

  “You should.” He pumped harder into her.

  Staring deep into his eyes, she was close to orgasm. “Don’t you dare stop. That’s it… yes.”

  As the car windows fogged with the intense heat they were generating, he teetered on the brink, desperately trying to avoid coming inside of her. He tried to focus on something, anything else, as she held him tightly. With her mouth open wide, she stiffened her legs pushing up higher in the seat. Suddenly she screamed out with a loud climax, pulling his hips closer to her.

  With his face contorted, he desperately fought back his own orgasm. She moved once more and it was suddenly upon him. Pulling away from her quickly, he exploded all over her thighs and skirt. Their eyes met as she reached out to massage him with both hands. He groaned as she pulled the last drops of semen from him.

  When he could take it no more, he moved to his seat, panting as if he’d just run a marathon. She slumped against the passenger door, trying to recover.

  Turning toward him, their eyes slowly met and she sighed. “Wow.”

  Gazing back at her, dizzied, he nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

  7

  A week later, at around 7:00 a.m., after an evening of magical sleep-depriving, late-night sex, Jillian was wandering around the grocery store in a zombie-like fashion. As she headed down an aisle, struggling to remember what the hell she needed from this section, Coach John appeared in front of her pushing a cart with a few items in it.