by Luke Young
“That makes no sense. I definitely—”
“Cut the shit, Albert. Tell me what’s going on here.”
After pausing, he sighed. “Look, I knew they’d require a release, and I knew that Natalie never would’ve signed one.”
She shot back angrily, “So then I should’ve pulled all that out of the book.”
“I considered suggesting that, but then, quite frankly the story would’ve sucked.”
“What the hell do you mean?” she asked, insulted.
Brian returned with her drink.
“I mean—”
“Hold on,” she growled into the phone and put it down.
Grabbing the drink, she took a big sip before closing her eyes a moment and taking a deep breath.
She returned the phone to her ear. “So what was that, Albert?”
“You take Natalie, I mean Rebecca, the super flexible, technical virgin, anal-sex loving, man manipulator out, and all you have left is a story about two tennis-obsessed, incredibly annoying complete losers.”
“Losers!” She boomed, “Those two tennis-obsessed annoying losers are based on Brian and me!”
Brian’s face dropped as he listened in. After shaking his head, he tiptoed out of the room.
“You know what I mean,” Albert said casually.
“No, I really don’t.”
“Look, I figured only two things could happen… and both of them were good. Natalie never finds out, and the book sells because it’s fabulous or… Natalie does find out, sues, and you get so much publicity that the book sells like crazy.”
“I don’t know.” She sighed and her voice softened a bit. “You should have bounced this off me.”
“When Kathryn Stockett was sued by that maid over the book The Help, the book shot to number one on Amazon and stayed there for months. The maid sued, claiming that the character was based on her and the judge dismissed the case.”
“But did Katherine refer to the maid as an anal whore in the book?”
“She could have. I never read it,” he said defensively.
“Do you actually think she did?”
“Probably not, but—”
“This is bad. I know this is bad.”
“Just trust me. Everything will be fine. Do you remember James Frey? A Million Little Pieces.”
“Sure.”
“Oprah selected it for her book club and sure he sold some books. But when Oprah yelled at him on live television, he really sold some books—a lot of fucking books.”
“So you’re saying I should piss Oprah off?”
“Could you? Do you have any idea how to pull that off? Maybe we could—”
“Albert, shut the fuck up.”
After a few seconds of silence, Albert said, “Trust me on this one.”
She exhaled deeply. “Okay, but what do I tell Debra and Dan?”
“I’ll take care of them. And if anyone asks for an interview, you should give it. I’ll e-mail you a list of talking points.”
“Dan said to not talk to anyone about this.”
“I’ll clear it with them and get back to you.”
“Wait, you have them contact me directly if they want me to give interviews. The trust we once had hasn’t been repaired quite yet.”
“Fair enough. Hey, the book’s been selling great so far.”
“I know, but all that money might be going to Natalie.”
“It won’t.”
“You know, I don’t need this shit. I’m getting married in less than a week.”
“Oh my God, I almost forgot about the wedding.”
“Will I see you there?” she asked warily.
“I wouldn’t miss it. Now just try to relax.”
“How can I?”
“Have a drink or two.”
“Okay.” After putting down the phone, she chugged her martini.
Albert Blair sat in his office thinking. He picked up Jillian’s wedding invitation from the desk and rubbed his chin. Glancing down at the background check report he had done for Natalie Brookhart, he smiled. He picked up the phone and dialed.
After reaching Tim, a freelance cameraman he knew, and getting the answer he was after, he screamed, “Gladys get in here.”
Five seconds later, his assistant rushed through the door with a pen and pad at the ready.
Albert said, “I need two round-trip plane tickets from New York to St. Barts leaving this Saturday and returning Monday. Put one in the name Tim Dale and the other is for Natalie Brookhart. Wait—put two tickets in Natalie’s name and make them first class. She might want to take a friend. And book rooms for each of them Saturday and Sunday night at the same hotel where I’ll be staying.”
Gladys wrote it all down. When she raised her eyes from the pad he continued, “I need all that ASAP. Messenger Tim’s over to him, but I need Natalie’s hand delivered today. Call Jason.”
She stood there awaiting more instructions.
He glared at her. “Don’t just stand there.”
As she rushed toward the door, he said, “Wait. Have you seen my speedboat catalog anywhere?”
She turned back to him and shrugged. Groaning, he dismissed her with the wave of his hand.
17
In all the excitement with Jillian and the lawsuit, Brian forgot that he agreed to accompany Victoria to her stylist. She wanted to give him the gift of a new hairstyle for the wedding. He originally planned to work a half-day and had it marked on his calendar at work. Now that he had no work, he had no calendar and no pop up reminder. Thus, he had forgotten.
When Victoria arrived, he was out by the pool relaxing. It only took a quick glare from her before he remembered. He rushed inside, quickly got dressed and followed her out to her car. He was looking forward to a new haircut, but had no idea of the location of all the hair she intended to have cut.
As they walked to the spa, he said, “I appreciate you doing this. I could use a slightly new look for the wedding, and my hair’s just too long.”
“That’s what I heard.”
He gave her an odd look.
She smiled. “I think you’ll like this place. They’re very professional and have a lot of great ideas.”
“Cool.”
After a wash, cut, blow-dry and style, Brian sat in the chair, admiring his new haircut, with Victoria looking on pleased. He shook his head, concerned. “I hope I can fix it this way for the wedding.”
The stylist said, “Just use some of that gel and comb it out like I showed you. You should be fine.”
“Thank you so much.”
A thin, lithe, dark-skinned, feminine-looking man walked out from the back of the store. Smiling at Victoria, he said in a Spanish accent, “Victoria, I am ready for you.”
She turned to Brian. “I have another surprise.”
“What’s this, I thought—”
“Just follow me,” she interrupted.
They headed toward the back of the store then followed Rafael down a hall into a small room. Rafael stood next to a padded table, pulling on a white lab coat. He smiled brightly at them both. “Victoria, I haven’t seen you around in a long time.”
“No reason to come in. I’m not dating all that much anymore.”
“That should never stop you,” he chuckled.
Stepping toward Brian, Rafael took his hand and shook it gently. “So this is your friend that you mentioned.”
Brian cleared his throat and said in a mock deep voice, “Brian. I’m Brian.” After glancing down to his hand, which Rafael still had a hold of, he pulled it slowly from his grasp.
“Nice to meet you, Brian.” Rafael looked him over from head to toe. “I love your new hairstyle. Now let me work my magic on the rest of your hair. Your woman is going to love it.”
Brian turned to Victoria wearing a shocked expression. “What exactly is this?”
She opened her mouth to speak, but Rafael asked first, “You want the standard male Brazilian, not the Hollywood?”
; Replying softly, she nodded her head. “Yes, the Brazilian.”
“The what? What is that?” Brian asked horrified.
Rafael said, “A standard male Brazilian includes a full wax hair removal from the frontal pubic area, the shaft, scrotum and anal area. It’s your choice whether we leave a landing strip above the shaft or we could take it all off.”
Brian listened, dumbfounded.
Victoria glanced at Brian before returning her attention to Rafael. “I’m not sure about the landing strip. What are most guys doing these days?”
“Uh, it’s about half who choose the strip and half who go completely bare. I kind of like the strip. That way you don’t look like a little boy.” Rafael slipped on a pair of latex gloves as he turned to Brian. “So, what do you think?”
“About what?”
“The landing strip.”
Leaning close to Victoria’s ear, Brian whispered harshly, “Um, Victoria, can I talk to you for a second?”
Rafael exhaled deeply. “Victoria, I have another appointment in twenty minutes, so…”
She gave him an apologetic look. “We’ll just be a second.”
Frowning, Brian held the door open for Victoria. She shuffled into the hall. He gave Rafael a weak smile, slipped out to join her and closed the door.
Brian narrowed his eyes. “What the hell is this?”
“He’s a genius with pubic hair.”
After looking at her for a few moments with his jaw slacked, he shook his head, ruefully. “I’m not letting some guy wax my asshole.”
“Oh, so you only want the Hollywood, then?” She replied and waited with a wide-eyed curious smile.
He looked at her, astonished, with his mouth about as wide open as it could get, but she plowed ahead anyway, “You see, I think that’s a mistake with—”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“We spoke about your balls a few months ago.”
“Yeah, and I told you I’d shave them.”
“And did you?” she asked skeptically.
“Yeah,” he replied sheepishly.
“Let me see.”
“Okay, I tried to once.” He exhaled deeply. “But I got scared having the razor so close to my, you know, sensitive areas and—”
“I figured. So here’s your solution. Waxing involves no blades of any kind.”
“Yeah, but it sounds incredibly painful. I mean ripping the hairs off your balls seems like it would kinda hurt.”
“Oh, don’t be a baby. It hurts for like a second.”
Grimacing, he shook his head unconvinced. “I don’t know.”
She folded her arms. “You want more ball attention don’t you?”
“Well, yes.”
“And your ass…”
“What about my ass?” he asked smugly.
“You want more attention there, too?”
“It gets plenty of attention already.”
She scoffed. “I heard about the sex the night of your birthday party.”
“What about it? It was freaking amazing. Jillian did things to me she’d never done before.”
“Are you sure?”
Moving closer to her, he whispered, “I’m sure. She actually put her tongue on my… you know and was licking it and everything.”
“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that wasn’t her tongue.”
“What?” He narrowed his eyes.
“That was a moistened finger.”
His jaw dropped. “You’re kidding, right?”
With her eyes closed, she shook her head.
“No way.”
“Yes.” Opening her eyes, she gave him a sympathetic smile. “She told me herself. She wanted to give you the full treatment, but when she saw the condition of the jungle, she was scared off.”
“The jungle?”
She gave him a sincere look. “Her words.”
“I don’t believe it.”
Rafael opened the door and gave them a tired look. Holding her finger out, Victoria turned to him. “Just one more minute.”
Sighing, Rafael closed the door.
Brian slumped against the wall and gazed down to the floor.
“Jillian really wanted to please you that way, but although I haven’t seen you back there personally, I’ve got to imagine it’s a disaster.”
He glared at her, insulted.
“Brian, as I’ve said before, no woman wants to lick hairy balls. She certainly doesn’t want to go near a hairy asshole.”
After shaking his head, he exhaled deeply. “I don’t know.”
“How amazing did it feel when she was fake licking you back there?”
“It was… just mind blowing.”
Moving a step toward him, she gently touched his forearm as she spoke softly, suggestively, “Imagine what it would be like for Jillian to lick it for real. To slowly move back and forth between your smooth, hair-free balls, then along your perineum…” As she described it, she traced a finger up and down his forearm. “…then back to the millions of supersensitive nerve endings of your most sensitive of areas.”
Looking down, gape-mouthed, to her finger as it lingered on his skin, his pants suddenly became more crowded as he got lost in the fantasy.
“Wow.” He swallowed hard and slowly lifted his chin until he was looking her in the eye.
“Just let him take a look. What could it hurt?” She gave him a hopeful look. “Let him give you his opinion. That’s all.”
“She actually told you I’m too hairy?”
She gave him a sympathetic nod.
After looking up to the ceiling, he put on a weak smile. “Okay.”
“Great.” She opened the door and he slowly walked in with her smiling widely behind him.
Rafael clapped his hands. “Okay, I’ve got fifteen minutes, so depending on what we’re working with here, we might need to reschedule. I’m pretty booked up the rest of the week.”
Victoria said, “Oh please fit him in today. He leaves for his wedding in a few days and he needs time to heal.”
“Heal?” Brian asked horrified.
“Let’s see what we’ve got.” Rafael turned to Brian waiting.
Brian gave him a hesitant look. “So, um, I should just drop my pants?”
“That would help,” Rafael said in a weary voice.
Feeling his groin, Brian realized it was still a little excited from Victoria’s erotic sales pitch. He figured that might actually be a good thing, since he’d always been more of a grower than a shower. Now smiling semi-confidently, he slipped his pants and underwear down.
“Hello,” Rafael said, impressed. Victoria smiled as she checked him out as well.
“You’re a little worked up from the whole ass licking thing I told you about, aren’t you?”
Brian nodded, embarrassed. Rafael slipped down to his knees lifted Brian’s penis up then looked underneath. “Uh, huh.” Then he lifted his balls and craned his neck down to look under them. “Oh, I see. You definitely need my help. No one is licking those and enjoying it.”
After glaring at Rafael, Brian turned to Victoria to find her giving him a sympathetic shrug.
Rafael stood and looked at the clock. “Quickly remove your shoes, pants and underwear. Then get up on the table.”
Brian looked at them hesitantly. Rafael sighed and Victoria motioned for Brian to hurry up. Brian pulled his shoes off and stepped out of his pants.
Rafael rubbed his chin. “He does have a good looking penis, though.”
Victoria smiled like a proud parent. “I know, doesn’t he? I’ve actually held it… more than once.”
Rafael simply said, “Huh.”
Brian climbed up onto the table on all fours, but kept his legs together and his cheeks closed up tight.
Rafael studied his body closely. “The boys I know would love him. He has a fantastic body.”
Rafael moved behind Brian and spread his cheeks apart. He grimaced when he got a look at the dark thick mat of
hair between them. “Oh, the boys would not like this at all.”
After moving in for a look, Victoria recoiled while making a sour face. “It’s worse than I thought.”
Brian turned back to look at them. “What’s wrong?”
Rafael commanded, “Spread your legs.”
Brian frowned and spread his legs, opening himself up to Victoria and Rafael’s ultra-critical perusal as they stood behind him studying his most private of areas. He glanced back once more and saw their judgmental, frowning faces. Shaking his head, he whispered to himself, “I can’t fucking believe I have two people staring into my slightly hairy ass.”
“What was that?” Rafael asked.
“Nothing,” Brian muttered.
Turing to Victoria, Rafael gave her a determined look. “I can do this, but I’m going to need to trim it first then wax all of it. Maybe twice.”
“But can you do it now?”
“I’ll fit him in. It’s a shame when you see a beautiful penis such as this hidden by so much hair.”
“You should see his brother. Picture this body, but with a bigger penis… I mean much bigger.”
“Hey, I’m right here.”
She ignored him and continued, “And larger balls, like nice ones… that same firm ass, but with nothing but tiny little baby blonde hairs on all of it.”
Rafael smiled brightly. “Oh, I love those baby blonde hairs.”
“So do I,” she said in a dreamy tone.
“Is his brother straight?”
“He is.” She gave him a confident look. “He’s very, very straight.”
“That’s a shame because he sounds amazing.”
Brian turned to them. “Okay, can we stop fawning over my brother’s perfect penis, balls and hair-free ass? What am I—a giant hairy ape with a pencil dick?”
“No one called you an ape.” She gave him a genuine smile. “Plus, you know I think you have a gorgeous penis.”
With her look softening him, Brian held back a chuckle and returned to the position.
Rafael clapped his hands together again. “Okay, let me get the big trimmer—the really big one.”
As he walked out into the hall, Rafael screamed, “Reschedule my two thirty and my three.”
Craning his neck back toward Victoria, Brian sighed. “Really?”