by Joe Heap
When the butterflies disappear behind foliage, they really disappear for Nova. When they reappear, they seem to materialize out of thin air.
RULE OF SEEING NO.147
Like a baby, you will have no idea of how an object persists in time. This seems stupid. Of course you know that a butterfly does not disappear just because you are not looking at it, but that does not mean you’re not surprised – perplexed, even – when it reappears in front of you.
The aquarium is Nova’s favourite. It’s dim in there, but not dark, so she can see more easily. The tanks are lit from above, often casting the fish in a bright spotlight.
‘Are these all fish, dude?’
‘Yes.’
Nova shakes her head, dubious. ‘But there are so many different colours, so many shapes! They look nothing alike!’
‘Well, they all have fins, and tails …’
‘That one doesn’t!’
She points to something eel-like, which tapers like a spear at the back.
‘Point taken. They all look like fish to me, for what it’s worth.’
‘But that’s what I mean. It’s like a verb conjugation table – all the words mean pretty much the same thing, but they sound completely different!’
They eventually visit the giraffes, but it takes some time for Nova to see them as complete animals. She cranes her neck up and down, scanning the details over and over. The creatures in front of her look so distorted, she must ignore the intuition that she is seeing them wrong. One of them crosses the yard towards them, spindly legs moving with grace, and pokes its blue-grey tongue into a pot of vegetables suspended above from a pole. Slowly, Nova breaks into a grin.
‘That is just wild.’
They take a break in the café, eating baguettes and drinking fruit juice, saying very little to one another. Kate can tell Nova is getting tired – she has closed her eyes behind her glasses the whole time they’re eating. As for Kate, she feels lighter than any time she can remember.
They leave the café and smoke a cigarette each as they walk down a wide avenue. Kate is on the lookout for a warden who might give them a telling-off. There are more people in the zoo now, but Kate finds it easier to ignore them when there are so many animals to focus on. They see flamingos, otters and a potbellied pig. Each one has something new to offer, and though Nova is tiring, Kate always wants to show her just one more. Finally, she can tell Nova has had enough. ‘Do you want to stop?’
‘Yeah, I feel like I need a lie-down. What haven’t we seen?’
Kate scans the map.
‘Not much … Oh, but we haven’t seen the tiger yet!’
Nova laughs. ‘Come on then, last one.’
They walk to the tiger enclosure, which is a long walkway with windows on either side, looking out onto greenery. There is a small pond, and some artificial rocks to climb on. It looks quite nice.
‘Tigers are basically big cats, right?’ Nova asks, looking at a picture of the tiger on a sign in front of the glass.
‘Yeah, pretty much.’
‘I think I understand them more because we used to have a cat when I was little. I think if I can touch something first, I can understand what it looks like.’
‘But you can’t just ask to touch a kangaroo, or a rhino.’
‘Right! Full points. You’ll have to tell me if you see him,’ Nova says, peering through one of the windows. ‘It’s quite crowded in there.’
They walk down half the curving walkway, until Kate can see a group of people ahead, gathered in front of one of the windows. They join the group and find space to see. The tiger is as big as the one in Nova’s imagination, paws bigger than her hands, padding the floor.
‘Can you see him, Nova?’
‘Yes … he’s moving quite a bit.’ Nova drops her voice into the breathy tones of a wildlife documentary. ‘Prowling his domain …’ She’s tracking the cloud of orange and white and black as it moves back and forth.
In fact, back and forth is all the tiger is doing, weaving in a figure of eight, up and down the small stretch of rock. A chill enters Kate’s stomach.
‘What’s he doing?’ Nova asks innocently.
Kate tries to answer, but her lungs feel tight, like she can’t breathe properly.
‘Mummy, why is he doing that?’ a small girl near them asks.
‘I don’t know, dear. Come on, let’s go get an ice cream.’
‘Yay!’
Kate is unable to take her eyes away from the tiger, the movement of eight hundred pounds of fluid muscle, as it walks the same path over and over again. Her legs ache, her arm aches, and she starts to feel a tremendous weight bearing down on her.
‘Kate? Hun?’
Nova’s voice is muffled, as though behind glass. Behind the glass of an enclosure. Kate paces, turns, paces, turns, rubbing her face against the same patch of rock each time as she goes. Her limbs feel like they are bound, but the only way to stop those bindings from getting any tighter is to keep pacing. She can’t remember a time when she wasn’t pacing. Tonight, she’ll sleep on the cold bathroom tiles.
The panic attack has her in its grip before she knows what’s happening.
‘Kate, what’s wrong?’
Nova shakes Kate’s shoulder, pulling her attention away from the trapped animal. She looks at Nova for a moment, vision swimming, then faints.
Twelve
KATE WAKES BUT DOESN’T open her eyes. She knows where she is though; she doesn’t need to see for that. The smell of disinfectant, the squeak of shoes on the plastic floor – she’s in hospital. Again. It takes her longer to remember why she is in hospital, but when she does, she opens her eyes quickly.
Nova is sitting next to the bed, apparently reading a science magazine, though she seems to be looking at the pictures of stars and galaxies. They are in a private room, and the blinds are drawn, staining the light a soft blue. Kate shifts, feeling pain in her neck. Nova looks up at her and smiles.
‘Hey, there, sleepy Jean.’ She puts the magazine down and reaches over to stroke Kate’s hair back from her forehead. The contact makes her shiver.
‘Hey.’
‘How are you feeling?’
‘I’m feeling … like I should … stop falling on my head.’
‘I think that might be a good plan.’ Nova laughs, then her face falls. ‘I’m sorry, Kate – I should have known something was wrong. I should have got you away from there.’
‘Don’t be silly – you weren’t to know.’
‘That poor tiger.’ She shakes her head (a new skill) but she’s looking intently at Kate’s face, as though trying to work something out. ‘Oh, I forgot – the doctor told me to fetch him when you wake up.’
‘Can it wait a minute? This is nice.’ Kate says, then wonders why she said it – is she sedated? She should be careful about what she says around Nova. The other woman just smiles.
‘Yeah, okay.’
Nova strokes her hair some more, and Kate feels like she’s going to drift back to sleep. Nova clears her throat.
‘Um, they called your husband …’
Kate’s eyes snap open; she doesn’t feel sleepy any more.
‘They called …?’
‘Your husband. Tony? You have one of those Medic Alert cards in your purse.’
Kate remembers – she’d been given it after her first admission, and filled it in with Tony’s details. She scans Nova’s face, but she’s not sure what the other woman is feeling. She’s stopped stroking her hair.
‘Nova, I’m sorry if I …’
‘Oh, hey, it’s okay! You just never mentioned him is all.’ Maybe Kate is imagining it, but she sounds disappointed.
‘I thought you might have seen my ring.’
‘Nah.’ Nova points to her eyes. ‘But it’s totally fine. I’ll just cancel that candlelit dinner I had planned.’
Nova grins, but Kate is too shocked to say anything. The confirmation that – yes – the other woman was interested in her, makes her blush crim
son. For the time being, she attributes her sense of devastation to embarrassment.
‘Well, I better get you that doctor.’
The doctor arrives and runs through the battery of tests for concussion that Kate knows too well. She’s advised to rest until Tony comes to pick her up. Nova disappears while all this is happening. When the doctor is gone, she returns, pushing a wheelchair in front of her.
‘Where did you get that from?’
Nova smiles mischievously. ‘Better not make you an accomplice to my crime.’
‘O-kay.’
‘How are you doing?’
‘Not bad. My dignity is bruised.’
Nova smiles. ‘Dignity is overrated. When you’re blind, you get used to bumping into things. Usually on a date or in a job interview, in my experience. Wanna go for a joyride?’ She wiggles the chair.
‘The doctor said I should rest …’
‘And rest you shall, with your very own chauffeur!’
Kate is laughing, and she can’t say no when she has strung Nova along like an idiot. She eases herself out of the bed and into the chair.
‘Buckle up, cowgirl – I know the way to a café. They have pots of jelly.’
‘Do you have a licence to operate this vehicle?’
‘I don’t want to alarm you, miss, but I used to be blind.’
The wheelchair veers out of the room, making Kate squeal, as Nova speeds her down the corridor.
‘This is delicious.’
Nova is at the dining-room table, kicking her legs back and forth like a child, and Kate can’t quite believe that she’s here. It’s like she’s brought something perfect into her imperfect life.
Not for the first time, she’s scared – scared that she will spoil Nova in some way. Perhaps Kate is scared that Nova’s blindness was a protective barrier, that her optimism came from not being able to see how awful the world is. That’s stupid, Kate knows, but still, she doesn’t want Nova to change.
In a few days it will be Christmas. It’s been a week since the incident at the zoo, and they haven’t seen each other since. Nova made her excuses and disappeared from the hospital before Tony arrived and it had taken time for him to agree to Nova coming around for dinner.
‘She’s just some woman that you met at the hospital?’
‘Yes, but we’re friends.’
‘You can have her round, but I’m not doing the cooking, okay? I have a busy day.’
‘Fine, all right.’
Working from home, Kate has spent the day cooking in between replying to emails. She can catch up tomorrow. Cooking is good – it takes her mind off things. She pulled out the recipe book her mum gave her when she went to university, into which had been folded dozens of her own recipes, copied on the corner-shop photocopier. Kate made her mum’s vegetable soup, her mum’s lasagne and her mum’s apple turnover cake. Finding she had extra time, she also made bread sticks and a jug of sangria. Nova seems to love everything Kate puts in front of her.
‘It all looks so good! So different!’ She grins maniacally, laughing at her own, private joke.
‘Different?’ Tony asks.
‘Well, it’s all food, right? But look, this is so … red? And this is so … white? Yellow?’
‘About right.’ Kate smiles, looking at the pasta Nova is pointing to.
‘Amazing.’ Nova smiles back, shaking her head.
RULE OF SEEING NO.151
Food does not look appetising, the way it smells. Sometimes it looks like plastic, or like dog poo. Sighted people do not like it if you point this out.
Nova had some trouble getting into the flat, negotiating her way over the patterned carpet in the hallway, which Kate’s landlord had refused to replace.
‘Sorry, it just looks like it’s lumpy. Or full of holes. I feel like I’m going to fall through it!’ She held tight onto Kate’s hand, and Kate had tried not to think about how good that felt.
‘Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall.’
They had made it to the dinner table, where Tony was waiting. He stood to greet her.
‘I don’t think we’ve been introduced, but I know your face.’
‘I wish I could say the same.’ Nova saluted. ‘But, yeah, I’ve been working at the Met for seven years, so you’ve probably seen me around. I’m an interpreter.’
‘Even though you were blind?’
‘It’s easy enough, so long as I can hear what people are saying.’
‘And you’re … better now?’ Tony asked. Kate winced.
‘I’m different now. I’m not really used to it yet.’ Nova smiled reassuringly. ‘Now, what’s this about free food?’
They are happily eating, and Kate is starting to feel okay. Nova and Tony have been chatting about the police, sharing stories about the craziest confessions they’ve ever heard and Tony is laughing – actually laughing – at Nova’s jokes.
‘And I was like, Shit, what is the French word for dildo?’
Nova is wiping tears from her eyes. Kate remembers what things used to be like.
‘It’s godemiché, by the way.’ Nova turns to Kate and winks.
Tony raises his eyebrow, but says nothing. Nova just flashes her grin and takes another bite of lasagne. ‘You’re such a good cook, Kate! I can’t believe you made all of this yourself.’
‘Me neither,’ Tony says under his breath.
‘Well, I never usually have the time!’ Kate says, trying to brush it off. Nova is frowning, and Kate wonders if she knows that they can see her expressions. Maybe she just doesn’t care.
Sensing that Kate is looking at her, Nova smiles, going back to the delicate task of spearing pasta onto her fork. The dinner goes on, though there is less laughter than before, and Kate decides not to bring Nova home again. She will invite Nova around to the new flat instead – still mostly empty, a life waiting to begin.
Dinner is over, and Nova is getting ready to leave. Kate has gone back to the kitchen to wrap up some of the apple cake for her to take home. Tony hovers while Nova pulls on her boots and jacket.
‘Thanks so much for everything – it was so nice of you and Kate to have me round.’
She smiles up at him while lacing her boot. Tony doesn’t say anything, and Nova can’t read his expression. She stands, and suddenly he seems to have taken a step closer to her. He seems as though he’s about to say something when Kate reappears.
‘Here we go!’ She hands over a chunk of cake wrapped in tin foil.
‘You’re too kind.’
‘No, thank you for coming. We should do this again soon.’
‘That would be nice.’ Nova smiles. ‘Though not too soon – I’m going on holiday.’
‘Oh, where to?’
‘I took your advice, actually – my friend is taking me to Venice for a month. We’re going to be over there for New Year.’
Kate isn’t sure why the word ‘friend’ bothers her so much. ‘That’s great; you’ll have to send me a postcard.’ Her words feel forced.
‘Oh, that reminds me.’ Nova reaches into her pocket and takes out an envelope and a parcel, which she hands to Kate.
‘What is it?’
‘Nothing, really, it’s stupid. Oh, and sorry for my handwriting – I did it to practise.’
Kate puts the unopened present on a pile of letters on the sideboard. They part with an awkward hug, and when Kate turns back from the door, Tony has already disappeared.
It’s dark in the High Energy Physics building, so Nova is totally reliant on Rebecca’s hand, dragging her forward through the shadows. Just as the Modern Languages building of Nova’s college has its own smell, so do the corridors of the HEP department. But these smells are less easy for Nova to define – not BO and cheap disinfectant. There is something exotic about these smells. The smells of alien worlds and interstellar space. Unearthly.
Tomorrow they fly to Venice, but tonight Rebecca says she has something special to show her. Finally, she finds the door she’s looking for and lets go of Nova�
��s wrist.
‘Here we are! The cave of wonders!’
She rummages in her jeans pocket, pulling out several crumpled receipts, a hair scrunchie and a small key, which she proceeds to put in the lock.
‘Are we supposed to be in here?’
Rebecca pauses in the act of opening the door. ‘My friend Dave gave me the key …’
‘So that’s a no?’
‘That’s a no. Do you want to turn back?’
Nova pauses for a moment, thinking about her answer. Finally, she shrugs.
‘It’s not like I can be expelled.’
‘That’s the spirit.’
Rebecca throws the door open and gestures for her to step through. Nova walks into the laboratory. The lights are off in here, but there’s some light from the windows looking out onto a desolate, sodium-lit quad of concrete slabs, weeds and crisp packets.
‘Can we turn a light on?’
Rebecca steps into the laboratory and closes the door behind her.
‘Check you out, Miss “Can We Turn a Light On?” – to think of all the times I stayed in your flat when all your lightbulbs had blown.’
‘Well, can we? It’s dark.’
‘Yes – but what we’re going to do requires the cover of darkness.’
‘I do not like the sound of that.’
Rebecca doesn’t reply, just takes Nova’s hand and leads her through the maze of workbenches. Nova can see the forms of objects on the benches like shadows in a mist. One table is covered with scientific glassware – boiling vessels and cooling towers, three-globed Kipp’s apparatus and spiralling condenser coils, joined by valves and rubber piping. Nova cannot see the invisible-man glassware, only the way the light bends around it. Another table is a spaghetti dish of colourful, tangled wires.
Finally, Rebecca brings her to a table on which squats something shiny, sprouting pipes and wires. If Nova had watched more thriller movies, she might think that the thing on the table looked like a bomb.
‘Here we go!’ Rebecca pulls up a lab stool for Nova. ‘Just sit there while I work.’
‘While you work? On this thing? I thought you were a theoretical physicist.’