by Camille Eide
“But I’m going to find out.” Sue handed the pies to Joe. “Could you take these, please? Thanks.”
She joined Jasmine at the window. “All right, kiddo, what’s going on? Who are you waiting for?”
“You no need pretend, Miss Susan. I know about big surprise.”
“What surprise?”
Jasmine rolled her eyes. “Walkers coming see me today. For holiday.”
The Walkers? Sue hadn’t heard from them since they dumped Jasmine on her front step a month ago. Where had the girl gotten an idea like that?
The raw hope on Jasmine’s face sent Sue’s heart plummeting to her stomach. “Why do you think they’re coming today?”
The girl’s widening eyes locked on hers. “Brandi tell me secret. She—” Jasmine spotted something behind Sue and tensed, rigid as a post.
Sue turned.
Brandi leaned against the doorway, a lazy smirk lifting one side of her mouth.
A guttural sound came from Jasmine. With a growl, she lunged toward the bigger girl.
Sue caught her shoulders and held her back. “Brandi! Why did you tell her that?”
Brandi made a lame attempt to smother a grin. “It was just a joke.”
Jasmine screamed.
Sue tightened her grasp on the girl just in time to keep her from attacking. Jasmine’s head thrashed from side to side, her incoherent screams nearly shattering Sue’s eardrums. Over the noise, Sue ordered Brandi to her room.
Joe and some of the teens appeared in the doorway. Joe took one look at the scene and quietly sent the kids back to the dining hall, but he hung back, watching.
Jasmine’s feet scissored in a kicking frenzy.
Sue steeled herself to keep a firm hold until the rage storm subsided.
The girl went limp, but Sue held on in case Jasmine made any more sudden moves. “Take it easy, Jas. Just try to calm down.”
Jasmine shuddered.
Sue carefully loosened her grip. Jasmine sank to her knees and Sue joined her on the hardwood floor.
Jasmine rocked herself, but instead of hiding her face, she turned to Sue, mouth bunched into a tiny knot like she was fighting to keep from crying.
Heart wrenching, Sue focused on how badly she wanted to rake Brandi over the coals.
Thick tears pooled in Jasmine’s eyes. “No one want me,” she said in a choked whisper. “I nothing. Only joke.”
The pain in her words tore a gash straight through Sue’s heart. “No. No, honey, that’s not true. You’re not a joke. You’re an amazing girl. That was just Brandi’s way of paying you back for telling on her about the knife. You’re a very special girl.”
“No! I just freak everyone send away. I belong to no one!” She burst out sobbing.
A rush of tears blinded Sue. Instinctively, her arms tightened around the child. How many times had Sue felt the same way? How many crushing blows had it taken for her to toughen up and block out the pain and terror of feeling utterly alone?
What’s wrong with me? Am I so unlovable?
Swallowing the ache in her throat, Sue pulled the sobbing girl close and rocked her gently, whispering soothing words. She ordered her tears to stay back.
Jasmine plastered herself to Sue’s chest as she sobbed, her wet face soaking Sue’s blouse.
Sue kept rocking, stroking the girl’s hair, whispering, “It’s okay—shh, baby, it’s okay.”
Joe watched them from the doorway. He met Sue’s gaze.
Shake it off, Sooz. Getting emotional will do no good.
Jasmine would get through this. Both Sue and Jasmine had survived lonely, painful times. They’d gotten through a tough childhood. It was possible. Kids were far stronger than adults gave them credit for.
But the sobbing child clinging to her now just blew that theory out the door. Jasmine had a hole in her heart bigger than Sue had any clue how to fill.
What am I doing? I can’t … let her get that close. She can’t need this. I can’t need this.
Joe hung back where he could see both Sue and the other kids, hands crammed in his pockets, concern evident on his face.
Sue kept rocking, shushing the sobs, stroking the girl’s hair until she felt Jasmine finally begin to relax. After a while Joe left, but Sue stayed with Jasmine for a long time.
* * *
Under the velvety night sky, Joe sat on the edge of the front porch and closed his eyes. Brandi was behind whatever had caused Jasmine’s meltdown, and that angered him. But what really worked him into a knot was the way Sue had embraced that brokenhearted girl. She seemed shaken by Jasmine’s grief yet determined to comfort her. The image of her rocking the girl while fighting back her own tears tore through him.
Her silent but fierce love for those discarded kids smuggled right into Joe’s heart in a way that got to him. Big time.
Father, I believe You brought me here to help her know You, but I don’t know if the plan to spend one-on-one time with her was such a good idea.
“Hey.” Sue came to the edge of the porch and lowered herself to the step a couple feet away, as if oblivious to what her nearness did to him.
Good one, God.
She massaged her eyelids, then rested her forehead in her hands. She didn’t say anything, just drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. Apparently, she didn’t come out here needing anything from him. Big surprise.
He leaned back on his elbows and gazed at the stars. High desert nights had a hushed, bottomless depth to them. Like Alaskan nights out on the water, far from city lights and sounds. Unmarred by people and all their noise.
“I may have been wrong about Jasmine,” she said.
“How?”
Shrugging, Sue picked at a piece of cheatgrass stuck in the weathered wooden step until she had it free. Then she poked it into the crack again, as if realizing she had disturbed something meant to be left alone. “One of the families I lived with as a kid locked me in my room a lot. I remember thinking my real dad was in some other country on a dangerous secret mission, but he’d come back soon. And when he did, he’d find me and take me away from there.” She shook her head. “I have no idea where I got an idea like that.”
As much as he longed to sit up and see her unguarded expression, he resisted the urge. She’d talk more readily if he stayed right where he was.
“I must’ve been about eight. I’d been locked in my room for a couple days. I decided my dad was looking for me and the only reason he hadn’t rescued me was because he didn’t know where I was. So I wrote a message on the window in the condensation. ‘Help me, Daddy! It’s me, Suzy.’” She puffed a feeble laugh. “I even remembered to write it backward.”
Her quiet words tightened his chest. He closed his eyes, longing to undo all the things that had hurt her.
Sue picked at the weathered step. “I’m not really sure why I’m telling you all this—I’ve never told this story to anyone.”
“I don’t mind. I’d like to hear it.”
She sighed. “I waited at that window all day. Waiting and hoping, thinking if I wished hard enough, he would come.” She lifted her face to the stars.
“But he didn’t.”
“Shocker, huh?” She offered a half smile. “I figured out my dad’s big secret eventually. He was just a flake who left a trail of kids behind him without ever bothering to look back. There was nothing keeping him away, like being locked up or obsessed with a career. He was just some spineless, self-absorbed guy. I eventually realized he wasn’t anybody worth pining over and forgot him. But for that little stretch of time, I kept waiting, hoping.”
It took everything in Joe not to reach an arm around her and draw her close. Instead, he listened carefully to what she wasn’t saying.
“I forgot all about that window message until today.” Sue leaned forward, elbows braced on her knees. “I thought Jasmine was like me, you know? Not waiting around for someone who wasn’t coming, no more looking back. But I guess I was wrong.” Moonlight bathed her cheek in a soft, mil
ky glow, tracing the curve of her jaw and cheekbone in shades of light and shadow.
Joe tore his gaze away and focused on the stars. “She’s a lot like you. Maybe that’s why she’s here. You can reach her like no one else can.” In the silence, he could sense her drilling him with a look. He turned and met her gaze. “You did the right thing, Sue. That girl needs someone who loves and accepts her just the way she is. Someone who’ll hold her and let her cry and tell her it’s gonna be okay.”
Sue shook her head. “But it’s not okay. It won’t be okay until …”
Joe sat up and watched her. “Until what?”
“Until she stops longing for someone who won’t be there.”
“How can you say that? Kids need to know they’re loved by someone who always has their back, no matter what.” He lowered his voice. “Everybody does.”
She stared at him.
He launched off the porch and paced the lawn. Did the woman actually believe these kids were better off going through life alone? After a few more strides across the lawn, Joe turned and went back to tell her what these kids really needed.
But seeing Sue with her head hung low deflated his speech.
Fear was a powerful obstacle.
Perfect love casts out fear.
He went back to the porch and sat beside her. “I saw you. Don’t try to tell me your heart doesn’t break for that girl.” He lowered his voice. “She’s desperate for a mother’s love. Tell me you don’t feel that.”
She searched his face, a growing struggle evident on hers. “I do. I just don’t think it’s going to work. Not with me. I can’t …”
Tears glittered and spilled. She twisted away and swiped her cheeks with both hands.
He ached to pull her close. Yes, you can, Sue. I know you can.
“Besides, I don’t even know where any of us will be in a month,” she whispered into the night. “What happens if I start playing the loving mom now and then have to ship her off to who knows where? She already thinks she’s a freak nobody wants. I can’t do that to her again.”
“She needs to know someone cares.” He plowed a hand through his hair. Gave the tone he felt coming on a chance to ease up. “It may seem pointless to you, but knowing someone cared about me even for a short time made a life-and-death difference for me.”
Her gaze fell to the ground. “I hear what you’re saying, Joe. But I think distance is best in this case. Especially now.”
Father, she’s making a huge mistake. Please help Sue and Jasmine find the love and peace in You they so desperately need. Show her—
Show her My love.
Aw man, not that again. “Do me a favor, Sue. Will you at least think about it?”
Sue didn’t move, just aimed a long look across the desert. “Okay,” she said softly, almost to herself. She lowered her gaze. “It’s not like I have a choice. I won’t be getting that scene out of my mind for a while.”
That’s right, open up that fierce heart of yours, just a little. “You’ll do the right thing. I know it.”
She searched his face. “That’s quite a supply of faith you’ve got there, Mister Joe.”
Joe smiled. “It’s all I’ve got. Literally. By the way, I arranged for Linda and Karla to cover for you Sunday afternoon. For that outing we talked about.”
Her brows rose. “Everything is falling apart, and you’re still stuck on that?”
“We had a deal, remember?”
Sue dropped her head back. “So what exactly are we doing?”
He considered answering, then shook his head. “Nah. All you need to know is to wear hiking boots and a warm coat. I got the rest covered.”
She stood and stretched, lengthening her figure and revealing soft curves usually hidden by her baggy clothing.
A rush of adrenaline reminded him to tear his gaze away. He sure didn’t need to get caught looking.
“One time. That’s it.” She went inside the house and closed the door.
He had no idea what good a hike up Table Rock would do, if any. Maybe this outing would show her it was possible to have a little simple fun with a guy who didn’t want anything from her. And hopefully it would help her begin to understand there was Someone who would never hurt or fail her.
Sure, no problem. A freezing hike and a thermos of cocoa should do it.
Sue’s silhouette moved around in her office.
He could do this. He could spend time with her as a casual friend, help her lighten up. She’d be amazed at how fun a purely platonic outing with a guy could be.
A guy who felt things that were neither casual nor platonic.
Chapter Nineteen
Sunday afternoon, Sue trudged up the path to the chapel, kicking up sand with her boots and kicking herself inwardly. Exactly how had she let Joe talk her into this “not date”?
As she approached the small building, bits of a song and soft, sweet strains of guitar filled the air. The melody line and bass notes wove together with his voice, blending beautifully into a smooth, lyrical sound, like a love song.
Sue closed her eyes. Though she had agreed to this “outing,” she was in no hurry to put an end to that music. She strained to hear the softly sung words, but it was hard to make them out. She cracked the door slightly.
“Your love never changes.”
His voice resonated with such depth, such sincerity, that she longed to hear more. Maybe he could bring the guitar along.
With what sounded like more fingers than he had, he picked a graduating run. “You know my heart, my every thought.”
She staggered back a step. It was that “reading her thoughts” part about God that got under her skin. Didn’t He have anything better to do? Hurricanes to re-route? Did He need to lurk in people’s heads too?
The music stopped.
She was about to open the door when Joe started a new tune, this one simple, purposeful.
“You’re everything I need …” Joe’s voice came across much quieter than before, but still deep and clear. “My strength, my breath, my shield …”
The strumming continued, but the singing faltered.
Sue’s breath quickened. His words both disturbed and fascinated her, like passing a car wreck. Afraid to look yet inexplicably drawn to do so.
The strumming slowed to single picked notes as he cleared his throat. “You take my sorrow and my pain … wash away all my shame …” His voice fell, hushed and husky. “Till all that’s left … is Your unfailing love, deeper than the sea.”
Oh no. No.
She turned and slipped down the trail toward the house, then hurried to a limp-jog. Idiot. What had she expected to hear from him in the chapel on a Sunday—Elvis? As she reached the porch steps, he called for her to stop. She continued up the steps and crossed the porch toward the door.
“Sue?” He sounded concerned.
She froze, hand on the doorknob.
Joe bounded up the steps, sending thunderous tremors across the porch. “Where are you going? Were you just up at the chapel?”
“I don’t think I want to do this today, Joe.”
His face drooped. “Why?”
She shrugged.
His dark brows rose. “Not even for a hike up Table Rock?”
Sue lifted her gaze to the flat mass beyond the ranch. That did sound like fun, actually. She’d taken the kids once and had always wanted to do it again.
“You did agree, you know.”
True. She should just do this, especially since it meant getting it over with. “A quick hike, then.”
“All right.” With a smile, Joe zipped up his work jacket, then pulled a green John Deere beanie out of one of the pockets and slipped it on over his short, dark hair.
A sudden sensation of snuggling up to Joe danced across her chest.
Odd. Very odd, to say the least.
* * *
At the base of the plateau, he pulled his truck off the road and parked. “Race you to the top?”
Sue quirked a brow.
“Challenging a crippled woman who has half your stride? That desperate for a win, are you?”
“Hey, I’ll take any win I can get.” A dimple punctuated his smile.
“How noble of you.”
They hiked up the road a while, then ventured up the northeast slope, her knee loosening more with each step.
It wasn’t too hard to keep up with Joe’s longer strides—he wasn’t moving like he was in any hurry to get to the top. He kept his eyes on the ground, stopping once in a while to inspect a pointed rock or flat stone.
Sharp gusts of wind stung Sue’s ears. She pulled on her hood and cinched it tightly around her face.
“Hey, Sue, check this out.” Joe crouched near a scattering of stones. When she was close enough to see, he took a pocketknife and carefully moved the sand from around a dark point, unearthing a triangular, flat stone. He picked it up and blew the sand off, turning it over in his hand. It had a deep notching on either side of the wide base, obviously a crafted piece, not just a pointy rock. “Side notcher. Nice one.” He held it out to her. “Check it out. The tip is totally intact.”
Sue noted the narrowed, sharper edges. “Looks like an arrowhead. What kind of stone is it, do you know?”
“Obsidian, most likely. The volcano produced a lot of it. The tribes in this area had a ready supply of it for all their hunting and tool needs.”
“Volcano?” Sue frowned at the flat top of the hill.
“Not here—Fort Rock.” He eyed her, one dark brow raised. “Don’t tell me you live twenty miles from a historic landmark and didn’t know it was once a volcano?”
She winced. “Sorry.”
Joe shook his head and replaced the arrowhead.
“You’re putting it back?”
“It’s illegal to remove artifacts from here.” He stood and brushed dirt from his hands. “All right, your turn. Let’s see if you can find something.”
They searched the ground as they continued to climb. After about ten minutes of hiking, she spotted something white and too evenly rounded on one end to be natural. She called Joe over.
He took his knife and carefully pushed some of the sand and debris away, exposing more of the piece. “Looks like a hand tool.”