by Camille Eide
“Right. Big donors would be ideal. It’s just that, at the moment, I’m fresh out of those.” Sue eyed her friend. “Do you know of a sponsor in search of a charity to support?”
“Not specifically, but I know where you could meet some potential donors. The Children’s Law Foundation Annual Benefit Dinner. It’s attended by some of the state’s wealthiest people.”
“Benefit dinner.” Sue looked down at her sweatshirt and jeans. “No problem. I’ll call my fairy godmother, change into something très chic, and crash the party.”
“Or you could go with me. As district liaison, I have tickets. Perks of the job, remember? You know, you might want to consider coming back to work for the county. These connections always come in handy.”
Sue tried to keep her tone light. “I may be back with the county sooner than you think if I don’t find a way to save this place.”
Layne leaned back in her chair. “Come to the dinner. Meet some rich, philanthropic people. What harm could it do? I mean, aside from the hives you’re sure to get from wearing a dress and heels.”
“Heels?”
Layne’s smile put a sparkle in her eyes. “Oh, trust me. You’re going to clean up hotter than Angelina Jolie. Especially with my expert help.”
“Whoa, I don’t—”
“But I’m thinking more of a classic look for you, like Grace Kelly.”
“No. I wouldn’t be comfortable all dressed up and mingling with lawyers and D.A.s and rich foundation types.”
“Who said anything about comfort? If you want to gain financial support, you’re going to have to work a little for it.”
“Work? Getting poured into a cocktail dress and strapping on stilettos doesn’t sound like any kind of ‘work’ I’m interested in.”
Layne clapped her hands together. “Cocktail dress! Yes! I have one that would be stunning on you. I can’t wait to see you in it.” She tipped her head and gazed at Sue’s feet. “And if you’re dead set on stilettos, I can get those too.”
Fabulous. Sue leaned back in her seat and looked skyward, muttering, “These kids have no idea what I endure for them.” But even as she said it, a thought pinned her beneath its weight. Nothing she’d done for them had been enough. And now the kids would be the ones paying for her failure.
Without warning, tears sprang.
“Whoa.” Layne leaned forward. “Something’s wrong.”
Sue huffed out a laugh. “Ya think? Let’s make a list.”
“I know you care about these kids, Sue. And I’m going to do everything I can to help get them placed in good homes if things don’t work out.”
Nodding, Sue sniffed as tears continued to spring. If things didn’t work out, she would have to stand back and watch these kids get torn from this place and each other and dropped into the frightening unknown. She wiped her eyes. “Thanks.”
“But you seem … on edge or something. Like more than usual.”
Sue took a long look out the window toward the shop. “Yeah, well, things are kind of chaotic right now.”
“I’ll bet. And how does Joe Paterson figure into that?”
Way more than he should. Sue examined the knotted hands in her lap.
“Because I’m sensing something there.”
When Sue looked up, Layne’s gentle, sympathetic smile offered an irresistible invitation to relieve some of the pressure building inside. “I kissed him.”
Layne huffed out an incredulous laugh. “You what?”
“I mean—we kissed. It just happened. I don’t even know how.”
“A spontaneous, mutual kiss? Are you kidding me?” Layne laughed again. “Those are the best kind.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a major problem.”
“Oh, absolutely.” Layne didn’t even try to suppress her amusement. “Tell me what happened.” After Sue filled her in on the whole story, Layne pursed her lips. “Hmm. He came looking for you right after his near miss with death. I wonder why.”
Sue stared hard at her smiling friend. “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”
“I knew it.” Layne turned her attention toward the shop. “It had to happen eventually.”
Sue wasn’t taking the bait. “You don’t know anything. And I wish I hadn’t told you. Now you’re going to analyze this and try to tell me I’m—”
Layne’s eyebrows shot up.
“No, see, I’m on to your game. I know what my life is. I don’t need this. And I sure don’t need you telling me I’m falling for a guy who’s leaving in a few weeks. I don’t need to feel—” There was no way to verbalize the full extent of the whirling mess her emotions were in. Or the crazy fear those feelings were stirring deep inside her. I don’t need to feel. Period.
“I hate to say it, but I think you already do.”
I can’t. Fleeting moments of feeling connected, feeling loved, were always followed by long stretches of emptiness. She’d had enough of that.
“Sue, listen to me. You’re just scared. You’ve kept men at arm’s length for so long you don’t know what to do when someone sweet and amazing—not to mention insanely gorgeous—slips past your guard and works his way into your heart.”
Of course Layne would have Joe totally pegged in one meeting. But as far as Sue’s heart was concerned? No. Not happening. She shook her head.
“What? You don’t think I know how you are?”
“It’s a lot more complicated than you know, Layne. Joe needs someone different.” Way different. “And my life is complicated enough without adding things I don’t need. Besides, it doesn’t matter. He’s leaving.”
“Are you sure?”
Sue eyed her friend. “Yes. He needs the income from his next oil rig job so he can support that ex-family of his. There’s nothing for him here.”
“Okay, have it your way. You’re in control.” Layne rose and leaned over the stacks of file folders on Sue’s desk. “Hey, why don’t you bring the staff and kids to my place for a hot tub party next Friday? They’d have a blast. Make it a sleepover. Then you and I can slip out to attend that benefit dinner. There’s no risk, other than the small chance you’d have a good time.”
Rising, Sue looked through the window at the compound. “Do you remember how hard it was for me to start this place, knowing the risk I was taking? Reaching blindly into the unknown? Do you know what that feels like?” Her voice wavered and she lowered it. “Well, these kids know exactly how it feels. Nothing hurts worse than reaching for something you’ve only dreamed of and being disappointed. There’s a huge risk of being hurt.”
“But without risk, you never even get a shot at your dream.”
“What good is a dream that gets my kids’ hopes up and then crushes them when it falls apart and leaves them empty?”
“Dreams give hope, Sue. Even if they’re short lived. What good is life without hope?” Layne joined her at the window. “When you take a risk, at least you’re alive.”
Sue looked Layne in the eye.
“Besides, like I said, there’s no risk in this. It’s just dinner. And it’s for your kids. Aren’t they worth one last shot?”
Sue nodded. “Yeah. They’re worth it.” She heaved a sigh. “All right, get out the hairspray and heels. Let’s do this.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
At lights out, Sue helped Linda get the girls settled down for the night, then headed out back to her quarters. A full moon bathed the backyard in a milky glow. She paused at her doorstep.
Sweet strains of guitar music drifted across the lawn from the boys’ dorm.
Sue closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, willing the crisp air to cleanse her thoughts, her agitation. But the air didn’t reach deep enough. Too much had happened, disrupting order and making a mess of things. She’d never felt this way. And she couldn’t keep feeling this way. She couldn’t long for something she couldn’t hold on to, couldn’t sample fleeting joys that left her wanting more. She’d put a stop to those kinds of empty aches long ago.
And if
she’d stopped it before, she could stop it now.
Heart racing, she went across the yard and knocked on the dorm door.
The music stopped.
She pressed folded arms tightly against her fluttering stomach.
What you don’t want can’t disappoint you.
Joe opened the door and filled the doorway, blocking most of the light coming from inside. His gaze fell to her tightly crossed arms and settled there.
“Joe, can we talk?”
“Okay.” Joe glanced over his shoulder, then stepped outside, leaving the door slightly cracked.
“I want to apologize. For the incident yesterday.”
“Apologize?” His brows rose. “Oh, you mean the truck thing.”
Oh. Right. She probably should apologize for Chaz plowing into him with a truck. “Yes, I’m very sorry about that, of course. But I meant the other thing.” She peeked inside the dorm and lowered her voice to a near whisper. “The kiss. That was a total mistake. I’m sorry. That won’t happen again.”
He couldn’t have looked more surprised if Sue had said she’d just been drafted to play in the NFL.
Sue tore her gaze from the confusion on his face. Whatever was going through his mind, she didn’t want to know.
Liar …
“Okay, just so we’re clear on that. And there’s something else. Since the cops don’t think you’ll get your stuff back, I want you to have that guitar. I never use it. Take it with you when you leave here.”
“What?” He shook his head. “No, Sue, I couldn’t—”
“Please, Joe. Just take it.” She gave him her I-mean-business look. Surely he’d seen it before and knew she had no trouble backing it up.
He searched her eyes. The moonlight lit his features and deepened the contours of his face in shadow. “All right then. Thank you.”
Nodding, she turned and walked away.
“Sue?”
She quickened her pace. There was nothing more to discuss.
* * *
As her shape retreated in the glowing moonlight, a hundred thoughts clamored for Joe’s attention. One rang out above the rest, relieving him of the weight that had been pressing on him all day.
She wasn’t mad.
The woman who, less than a week ago, had feared an unthinkable attack from him. The same woman he’d cornered a few days later and kissed without a thought about anything but how much he wanted to.
And she wasn’t mad.
And not only that, she apologized.
Like she was accepting responsibility for the kiss.
Like she’d wanted to kiss him.
That thought sent a rush through him. He’d spent the morning preparing to be kicked off the premises or to hear an earful from her at the very least. He spent the rest of the day in a fog because lingering sensations of her lips on his tore the air clean out of him.
Did she feel something for him too?
It took everything in his power not to sprint across the lawn and stop her.
Did she love him?
Whoa. Think, man.
He would be moving across the country soon, so if she did, did it matter? Besides, he’d been forgetting that this wasn’t about him. He was here to help Sue discover she had a Father who loved her with an immeasurable, unfailing love.
Joe sank to the top step and pressed palms to his temples.
This wasn’t about him.
He needed to keep his feelings out of it. She needed to know she was honored and loved more than she could possibly imagine in a way that only God could. If he didn’t back off, he could sabotage the whole thing.
He needed to focus. No more getting in the way. And no more kissing.
* * *
During free time on Saturday, Joe sat across from Chaz and helped the boy work on his guitar chords while Jasmine and Vince picked out songs.
Sue passed through the foyer but stopped when she saw them. “What are you guys doing?”
“Picking songs for chapel tomorrow.” Jasmine held up a stack of music.
“Chapel?” Her quizzical expression moved from Jasmine to Joe.
“Yeah,” Joe said. “I was going to ask you if—”
“Can we go, Miss Susan?” Jasmine scrambled to her feet and rushed to her. “Please, please, please?”
No telling how Sue would feel about being put on the spot like this, but then again, it might work.
Sue’s gaze fell to Jasmine’s eager smile.
How could anyone with a beating heart turn down that sweet face?
“I guess that would be okay.”
Jasmine whooped and flattened Sue with a hug, knocking her back a step. “You come too, Miss Susan. Please?”
Joe fought back a grin. He couldn’t have planned this better if he’d tried. Maybe the songs and a short devotional would help her understand about God, help open her heart to Him.
Sue looked into Jasmine’s eyes. “I don’t think—”
“We will sing songs like when you listen outside to Papa Joe sing. It so good, Miss Susan. You see.”
Sue went pink. Her mouth opened, but no words came.
She’d been listening? Even better. “Yeah, Sue, I’d love for you to come.” Whoa. Ease up on the L word.
Jasmine pulled a puppy-dog look, complete with a whimper.
Sue’s gaze shifted away. Excuses were probably firing off in that pretty, blonde head faster than an AK-47.
Father, help her understand how much You love her, the price You paid for her. Maybe she feels too small, too vulnerable around You. Help her know she can trust You.
The words of his own prayer suddenly hit him, snagged at his chest.
“I don’t have to dress up or anything, do I?”
Grinning like a fool, Joe shook his head. “Nah, it’s come as you are.”
* * *
Joe was pleased to see that most of the kids participated in the singing, even if they didn’t know the words. Jasmine might not have understood the lyrics, but her voice was packed with pure joy. Chaz followed Joe’s fingers on the guitar without blinking.
During the worship, Joe stole occasional peeks at Sue. He couldn’t help it. He did his best to focus on the Lord and on the words he was singing, but her reaction to the music caught him.
A few times, she closed her eyes and seemed to lose herself in the song. At other times, she tensed up so tightly she looked like she would bolt. The woman could go from putty one moment to a steel casing pipe the next.
But she could be putty …
No. He needed to keep his mind on the bigger picture. God wanted her heart. That was what Joe needed to keep in mind. Which wasn’t easy. Whenever his gaze traveled to the corner of the room where he’d found her the other night, he remembered the look in her eyes. And the way she clung to him, how good she felt in his arms.
After the last song, he read from the third chapter in Ephesians and gave a short devotional about the length and width and height and depth of God’s love. Chaz hung on every word, but Sue looked restless. Joe wrapped up the service with a prayer.
He’d barely said “amen” when Sue shot to her feet and beelined for the door.
“Sue, wait.”
She hesitated as the kids filed out.
He needed to do this now, strike while the iron was hot. “I wondered if we could talk.”
Sue cast a distracted glance at the kids heading back to the house with Karla. “For a minute, I guess.”
“Great. Why don’t we sit?”
She perched on the edge of the bench nearest the door, hands in her lap.
Taking the bench across from her, Joe cleared his throat. “So, what did you think?”
“It was nice.” She swept her gaze around the small room, pausing on The Corner, now well lit with the rays of midday sun.
“Glad to hear that.”
“The music is ... different,” she said slowly. “I’ve never heard anything like it.”
“That’s good—I think.” He chuckled.<
br />
This shouldn’t be too hard. He’d shared his faith with roughnecks and roustabouts. God had cracked some of the toughest guys Joe had ever known.
He cleared his throat again. “I just wanted to say I hope you know how much God loves you, Sue.”
“Loves?”
He could almost see her thoughts churning.
“Listen, Joe, I get that you want to share your faith with me, but I still remember the answer I got when I asked God if He cared. It was a big, fat no. And you know what? It’s fine. I moved on.”
Wow. “Want to talk about it?”
She pinned him with her gaze. “Remember me telling you about being locked in my room as a little kid? That time, I lived with some relatives. I spent many days locked in that room. I went hungry a lot. People hurt me. It went on for so long I started to think this was normal. Then I heard somebody on TV saying Jesus loved me and wanted to save me and that all I had to do was ask. So I asked Jesus to save me.” She smoothed a wrinkle in her slacks. “But nobody came. I even wrote a note that said, ‘Jesus, please save me. The people here are so mean.’ Then I slipped the note out under my bedroom door.” She let out a wry laugh. “See, I was always thinking. Except I didn’t think that one through very well.” A wince crossed her face like a shadow.
Dread crept up his spine. “What happened?”
Her expression was fixed and distant, as if she was seeing an old horror flick playing in her head. “That note earned me one of the worst beatings I ever had.”
What kind of sick monsters …?
“But it actually worked in my favor. I still had the bruises when I went to school a week later and somebody called DHS. They took me away and I rode the foster home circuit from then on.” She shifted her gaze to the wooden cross on the north wall. “Maybe, in a way, God did answer my prayer.”
He clasped his hands, resisting the urge to take hold of hers. “What you went through was horrible, Sue. I’m sorry.”
She shrugged. “It’s long past. The thing is if that’s God’s love, I’m better off without it. I’m no superpower, but I think I can do a little better than that by these kids.” She frowned at her hands again. “Or at least I thought I could.”