Perhaps not the world, but my life. Yes, I’m ready to start conquering my life. Fudge Aiden for what he did to me. Frack him for thinking he can continue to rule over me. Not any more. Today’s a new day and I’m officially taking back my life.
I feel like I’m high on life but I don’t care. It feels good—damn good. Perhaps it’s the new scenery, or the sudden adrenaline rush that’s pumping through me, but I’m going to be with the man I want to be with. Eric. He is my everything and I was a fool for letting him go.
“So, what’s your plan?” Carissa asks through the phone. She’s a nervous wreck so I know I have to keep in contact with her.
“Well, first I’m going to ask if Eric or his dad are staying here. And I’m going to pry for answers from all those greedy news stations camping out downstairs. And when that doesn’t work, I’m going to beg for someone to drive me down there.” Even I’m surprised at how confident and easy-going I sound. I kind of like this “new” me.
“Drive down where exactly, Lane?” Her voice is stern, demanding almost.
“To the fire or wherever they are.”
“Have you lost your marbles?” she shouts. “People are dying! You can’t just drive over there.”
“Okay, and what do you suggest I do?” I snap back.
“I was thinking the old fashion way. CALL HIM!” she screams, making me jerk away from the phone.
“Dude, chill. I did. He didn’t answer,” I lie. I knew she wouldn’t understand my reasoning. I didn’t want to… nor could I…get back together with someone I’m in love with over the phone. No, the new me is determined to do this right. I need to show him how much he means to me.
“Ugh…I swear, Velaney Rose Wills. You best not get hurt out there. Otherwise, I’m coming to kick you in the baby maker.”
“Ew, seriously, Riss. Chill. And that just sounds mean.”
“Well…that’s how worried I am about you. You’re my best friend, Lane. I’d die if anything ever happened to you.” I know that Carissa loves me. And it’s nice to hear that someone cares. That someone is willing to yell at me in order to tell me how much I mean to them. She’s been the only person in my life who has ever really cared about me. Until Eric.
“I love you, Riss. I promise to be safe,” I respond calmly, smiling at her motherly tone.
“I love you, too. Call me,” she huffs. “I mean it!”
“I will. I promise.”
I walk to the receptionist’s desk and in my most polite tone I ask, “Is there a chance you could tell me if there’s a Mr. Reilley staying here?”
“I’m sorry, that’s confidential.” She smiles back. I can tell she’s trying to be polite, but I’m done trying.
“I know, but it’s really important. Mr. Reilley is a firefighter from Boston and I came out here looking for him. Can you just tell me if he’s staying in the hotel?”
“I wish I could, ma’am. But I’d lose my job over something like that.” Damn.
Plan B.
“Can you leave him a message for me then?”
“Sure, I suppose I could.”
Bingo. That means he is staying here. She hands me a notepad and pen.
Eric, I need to see you. I’m in room 212. -Velaney
I hand the notepad and pen back to her and walk out the lobby doors. I’m not 100% sure he’ll get the note, but it’s worth a try.
I hail a cab and hop in. I feel optimistic…overly optimistic.
“I’d like to get as close to the wildfire as possible, please,” I simply state, knowing how crazy I probably sound.
“Excuse me?” he asks in a thick accent.
“My friend is a firefighter and I need to see him.”
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but most everything is blocked off. The closest I can get you is to route 203, and even then you’d have to walk quite a way.”
I shrug and agree to the terms. I’ll figure out a way. I have to. I won’t let anyone or anything stand in my way this time.
The cab driver drops me off as close as he can. Most of the roads are blocked off with police cars and fire trucks. The smoke is thicker and the black smoke clouds above are darker and closer to me now. I didn’t consider all of this when I came out here but I’m not backing out now. No way.
I pull my sweatshirt over my mouth and do my best not to inhale the smoke and ash. I stop for a moment, thinking how ironic this is—I met Eric in a very similar situation like this…trying to hide from the smoke. However, I’m determined to make sure he knows just how important he is to me. I screwed it up so freaking badly before…I have to make this right.
There are plenty of other people standing by, watching the commotion as well. Most people were told to evacuate, but clearly, they hadn’t. I’m not surprised, though. Whenever something “exciting” happens in Boston, people are always there to witness it firsthand.
“Sir?” I ask someone nearby that looks to be an officer. “Would you be able to help me? I’m looking for a couple of firefighters from Boston. They are supposed to be here.”
He looks me over, examining my features, making me incredibly self-conscious. What the hell? I lower my sweatshirt so he doesn’t think I’m being suspicious or anything. I think he sees the fear in my eyes and finally starts talking.
“Miss, there are dozens of firefighters out here right now. I have no idea where they are all from or what their names are. I’m sorry,” he replies harshly, but a little sympathetic.
“Okay, never mind. Thank you.” I begin to walk away but his voice catches me again, and I spin around to see him walking toward me.
“What are their names?” he simply asks, taking pity on me.
“Eric Reilley.”
“Yeah, he’s here. I think he’s positioned in section 49.” I’m so overwhelmed with joy that he knows where he is. I can’t help the smile on my face as he explains to me how to find him.
“Oh my God, thank you so much!” Without thinking, I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. He has no idea what this means to me.
He points me in the right direction and we say goodbye. I make the short journey up to where he told me to go. The cloud of smoke thickens, making it harder to see and breathe. I know I am crazy for doing this—but if I’ve learned anything since meeting Eric, it’s that he’s worth it. Love is worth it. I never knew I could let someone in…to let someone love me. I never knew it was possible. Eric is the one person who broke through my walls…broke through my shattered heart and put it back together.
There are a handful of men standing nearby. It looks like they are waiting for orders or something because their hoses are laying flat on the ground. They are all in uniform but their helmets are off. A couple of guys are holding theirs under their arm, which gives me a better view of their faces.
“Eric?” I shout over the loud roaring of helicopters in the air. A handful of men turn around and look at me, stopping their conversations.
And then I see his beautiful emerald eyes.
Oh, holy hell.
“Velaney?” I finally hear his sweet voice. God, I miss that voice…that southern tone. He drops his helmet and jogs to me, passing the other guys to get to me. Eric’s face shows fear and confusion as his face gets clearer and closer to mine.
I’m not sure what I expect him to say, or even what I might say. I want to erase everything horrible I said to him and just kiss him. I want to rip off his uniform and feel his skin against my skin. I want him…I want everything.
“Wh-what are you doing here?” he asks, inches away from my face. I can tell he’s been out here a long time. He has dark circles around his eyes and his skin smells like smoke.
“I needed to see you,” is all I say. I want to tell him a million reasons why I’m here, but I just can’t. I can see the heartbreak in his eyes. The heartbreak I gave him…
“You can’t be here, Velaney. It’s too dangerous.” Little does he know how much danger I had just been in.
“I need to talk to you!” I ple
ad, making sure he hears the eagerness in my voice. He has every right to push me away, to ignore me and want nothing to do with me. But I’m relieved and happy when he doesn’t. Instead, without saying a word, he grabs my shoulders and leans in. He presses me hard against his chest crushing his lips to mine. My whole body releases against him, giving in to every need and desire. The kiss begins sweet and gentle, but as the eagerness increases, he presses his lips harder against mine, making the kiss greedy and rough.
I wrap my arms around his bulky waist and press myself against him as hard as I can. With his uniform still on, I can’t feel his skin against mine, but I’ll take whatever I can right now. The way his kiss makes me feel—it’s undeniable what he does to me.
He scrapes my bottom lip with his teeth as he lets out a deep moan. It completely sets me off and I further the kiss, pushing my tongue deeper into him. The way he tastes is unimaginable—like perfection. His hands make their way to my face, placing a hand on each side of my face. Our bodies are pressed up against each other, leaving little room to move my arms. I want to touch him, feel him and caress every inch of his flesh.
The kiss heats up as the intensity increases. I miss him. I miss us. He has given me more than I could ever explain—he’s given me my life back.
I completely melt into him, letting his body support mine. It feels incredible to be in his arms again. The way they wrap around me so effortlessly—as if they were made just for that purpose…to hold me.
He breaks the kiss slowly, giving us both a chance to catch our breath. It’s not the smoke or ash leaving me breathless this time. He leans his forehead against mine, clinging his hands to my cheeks. I close my eyes, letting our breathing sync together.
Before I can begin talking, Eric speaks up. “You need to go back home, sweetheart. This isn’t safe for you.”
“It isn’t safe for you, either. I need you, Eric. I need to explain,” I plead, not wanting his body to separate from mine.
“This is my job. I have to be here, you don’t.”
“Please, I have so much I need to say, Eric.”
“I know, sweetheart. But now isn’t the time. Let’s just leave it at this…the most beautiful and perfect kiss I’ve ever had.”
I back up slightly, looking into his eyes. They look torn—as if I just gave him an ultimatum.
“What do you mean ‘leave it’? I ask confused, heartbroken almost. No, he can’t mean that…no way.
“Velaney, please. I’ve spent the last few weeks miserable and shattered. That was a perfect goodbye.”
“I don’t want it to be goodbye, Eric! No! That’s why I came all the way out here. You need to let me explain, please!” I beg as he begins to push away from me.
“Sweetheart, please. Don’t make this harder for you than I know it must be. You aren’t ready for this. You aren’t ready to be in a relationship. I finally understand that now. And I love you enough to let you go—to let you grow, develop and figure out what you want.”
“Eric, no. You don’t understand. I am ready. I was ready! It isn’t what you think, I swear!” The tears unwillingly streak my cheeks. I can’t believe he’s saying this. Why won’t he let me explain? Why is he pushing me away?
“I have to go.” He begins to back up, locking his eyes on mine. I see the pain…the sorrow…the damage I’ve caused. “I love you, Velaney.”
“Eric, please! Don’t leave me!” I yell, dropping to my knees as I beg him to stay. I hear a few of his friends yell for him as their chief gives them orders to move to another location. He glances at me one more time before putting his helmet back on and leaving with the other firefighters. “Eric, I love you!” I scream, but it’s too late. He’s already gone.
Gone.
CHAPTER 22
“The wildfire is roughly sixty percent contained. However, it remains extremely violent and dangerous—killing anything in its path. Residents of Santa Fe are being told to evacuate until the fire is under control.”
I sit in my hotel room and watch the news religiously, hoping and praying for a miracle. I’m not sure why Eric is being the way he is, but I’m not leaving until I talk to him. Nope…the new me—strong, brave and determined me—is following through. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get Eric to listen to me. There’s no way I can tell him about Aiden because I fear he’ll then go after him. However, I’ll need to convince him I can handle this—handle a relationship.
I never knew this feeling existed. It’s foreign, strange and heart wrenching—but now that I have it, I’m not letting it go. Eric has made me feel whole again. He makes me feel needed, loved, and the way he’s always saving me—he makes me feel desired.
A faint knock sounds at the door, jerking me from my thoughts. I ease off the bed quietly, wondering who could be here. I look through the peephole and see Eric standing there. I’m so freaking excited that it’s him, I rush to unlock the door.
“Eric!” My eyes light up at the very sight of him. God, he looks gorgeous. I can tell he’s been working nonstop by the way his eyes and face look—exhausted and overworked, but still stunning.
“Velaney,” he says in a rough, quiet tone. Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for. “You can’t be here. You have to go home.”
“You are my home, Eric.” I insist, standing my ground. My eyes are begging him to listen, but I know he has every right to hate me. My plan is to prove to him how much I want him—how much I need him.
“I can’t do my job knowing you’re in danger,” he replies, quieter this time, almost desperate.
“Then please, talk to me,” I beg, hoping he hears the eagerness in my voice.
He checks his watch quickly and says, “Fine, but I don’t have much time.”
I’m saddened by the way he’s acting, but I guess I should’ve been prepared for this. I’m trying as hard as possible not to straddle him right now and forget everything bad that’s happened with us.
He sits on the edge of the bed and waits while I shut and lock the door again. I slowly walk back to him and make my way in between his legs. I need to be able to focus, yet I can’t help the desire I feel to have him close.
He continues looking down—defeated almost. I place a finger under his chin and push his face up to look at me. It surprises me to see him like this—so down and worried.
“I’m sorry, Eric. I’m so sorry for everything I said…everything I did…for hurting you like I did. I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I swear.” I keep my voice soft, keeping my eyes locked on him.
“I’m so in love with you, Velaney. It’s so fuckin’ hard to see you right now.” His voice is low, sounding hurt and frustrated.
“That’s why I came to see you. You have no idea how bad I’m hurting, how bad I wish I could take everything back—how bad I miss you.”
“How bad you’re hurting?” He raises his voice, opening his eyes wider to scold me. “You broke my heart! I gave you everything! I opened up to, I…I—you slept with me, Velaney, and the very next day, you broke up with me!”
Shit. He’s mad. No…make that freaking furious.
“Eric, you have every right to be mad—”
“Mad? No…no…no. Apparently, you don’t know me as well as I thought. I have never told a girl that I loved them. I gave you that, Velaney. You.” I want to burst into tears right now. I feel like a complete jack-hole. His face is hurt, battered and torn. I feel like dying.
“Eric, please. I am so, so sorry. I can explain—”
“You can’t explain, Velaney. You told me how you felt. There’s no taking that back.” He stands up, making me back away from him. He begins to walk toward the door and I panic. I have to do something.
“Wait!” I beg, pulling on his arm. It doesn’t do any good considering he’s practically all muscle. “It was because of Aiden,” I accidentally blurt out. Crap.
He whips his body around, now facing me. His eyes go from sad to furious. I regret saying it the second it comes out.
“You br
oke up with me because of Aiden?” he asks, raising his brows. I can tell he’s mad…but curious.
“I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Well, now you have to, Velaney.”
“Aiden threatened me. I was scared. I was afraid he’d come after you, so I broke up with you.” I keep my voice low, hoping he sees I’m being honest. Instead of engulfing me in his arms as I had hoped, he turns back around and walks out—slamming the door behind him.
I fall to my knees, crashing my hands against my face as the tears fall down. This pain—this feeling—is the worst feeling I have ever felt.
I don’t run after him because I can’t bear to see his pained face. I let him down. I broke his heart and crushed his soul. I was wrong about myself before—I’m not ready for this. I’m a complete mess—a wreck.
“Lane, what’s wrong?” Carissa asks in a panic as I sob uncontrollably over the phone.
“I—Eric—leave,” is all I blurt out in between tears and trying to catch my breath. “I—he—God, I’m a fucking mess!” I can hardly believe the word comes out—it just slips right out, but for the first time since Aiden threatened me, I don’t care. I don’t care what the word represents, what might happen now that I’ve said it, or what memories it brings me. I don’t fucking care.
“Okay, Lane, breathe with me. In. Out. In. Out.”
“I’m fine, Riss!” I shout back, needing her to stop coaxing me. “I messed up. I messed up huge this time,” I explain, getting back my ability to talk. “I told him about Aiden and he ran out!”
“Oh God, Lane. Why?”
“It slipped. He was leaving, he wouldn’t listen to me, he—told me I broke him.”
“Wow, you two are more messed up than I realized.”
“What do I do, Riss? He has this look in his eyes—it’s almost unexplainable. It’s like a mixture of hurt and passion.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah.”
We talk for hours. I run down the whole scenario more than once. She’s trying to understand it just as I am still trying to understand it. How did I let this happen? How could I let it happen? I’m such a fool. Finally, I feel like the light just came on.
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