“How bad is it?” I asked, reluctant to hear the answer. This didn’t feel new to me, after sitting in doctor’s office so many times before.
“You’re in stage three, Kate. It’s high grade. The tumors have spread past the bone already.” He looked at me, his eyes filled with pity and sadness. I knew what that meant.
“Inoperable,” I finished for him. “Which means three, maybe six months.”
“I’m sorry, Kate.” He frowns. “You have options, though.”
I shook my head, not wanting to hear any silver lining to this nightmare. “Where I lose my hair, my ability to talk, get into hundreds of thousands in debt, and die at the end anyway?” I asked flatly. I wasn’t about to sugarcoat it. I knew my ‘options.’
“Kate…” His voice low, authoritative. “There are programs to help with payments. There’s options to help you live longer.”
“Oh, sure. I’ll get a few extra months being in severe, death-like pain, a few extra months of medical bills stacking up, a few extra months alone. Where do I sign up?”
His hand roughly brushed his jaw as the other pinched the bridge of his nose. I wasn’t a clueless patient. I knew what I’d be getting myself into. I knew exactly because it’d been my life for years as I watched my mother and how she was hardly herself by the end of it.
I hadn’t seen my dad in years. I lost my mother two years ago and my grandmother three years before that. It’s a cycle I wouldn’t be breaking, unfortunately, but I took time to consider my options. And taking treatment wasn’t one of my options. Once I learned to accept my destiny—my path—I chose life.
I hadn’t seen it coming. Or him. You know how some say you get a gut instinct, or that subconsciously you know something’s coming? Well, I hadn’t. It hit me like a tornado. It was my tornado—a disaster dropping out of the sky. I couldn’t do anything about it. It had the power to control me, but I wouldn’t give it the power to destroy me. I would take what was left of my life and live.
* * *
Gabe ignores me the entire time at the tuxedo shop, the florist, and the drive home. I catch him staring at me a couple times, but his expressions are always unreadable. I don’t blame him. I’ve confused myself in all of this.
“You and Gabe are walking down the aisle together. Is that going to be a problem?” Natalee asks as we start gathering the wedding programs into perfectly 1920s-styled baskets. She’s managed to add the theme into everything—name placecards, aisle decorations, centerpieces—all without making it look overdone.
“No, of course not. Why do you ask that?” I narrow my eyes, wondering if Gabe has said something to her or Trace.
She shrugs lightly, not keeping eye contact. “Just a tense vibe I’ve sensed between you two.” She sets the programs down and finally looks up at me. “Is it because of the whole shower thing? Are you still mad about that?”
“Well…certainly not pleased with it, but not mad. I’m not good at holding grudges, you know that,” I remind her.
“Okay, good. I’d hate for you to suffer during your time here. I just want you to have a good time. Let loose. Be wild.”
“Wild?” I question, giving her a sideways look. Before my diagnosis, I was anything but wild. I worked endlessly to climb my way up the fashion ladder in my career. I was loyal and devoted to Kyle throughout our entire relationship, and I worked hard in everything I did. In between all that, I helped care for my sick grandmother, and took my mother to her appointments, so wild was never in my vocabulary—which is the main reason my bucket list is necessary.
“Well, it’s been a long time since you were single. If I could have one last hoorah, I’d totally go all crazy, Vegas-style,” she admits, catching me completely off guard. Natalee is the poster child of propriety and elegance.
I burst out in laughter—a holding-my-belly-almost-falling-over kind of laugh. I can’t help it. I’m totally amused by her confession. She begins laughing with me and soon both of us are in the middle of a laughing fit.
“Well, it’s a good thing Trace’s been able to tie you down! Geez.” I laugh again.
“I’m just saying…if freedom suddenly came after years of responsibility, I’m sure I’d go a little Miley Cyrus on the world,” she says in all seriousness, and I now know she’s not just talking about the break up with Kyle, but from the responsibilities I’ve carried for years before that.
“You’re kind of right,” I begin. “My intentions were to have fun this week.”
“Well, then you better!” She squeezes my hand lightly. “And who ever you decide to have fun with, just make sure I’m out of the house.” She winks at me as if I’m supposed to read between the lines. “Oh, and please use the complimentary condoms in the bathroom.”
I snort while laughing at her hostess skills. “Well, then I hope Trace has some more single, fun friends available because I don’t plan to settle down for a long time. And I’m pretty sure Gabe wants to murder me in my sleep.”
The smile on her face drops. “I knew there was something going on between you two today. Now spill.”
“Nothing’s going on. At least, there won’t be. I pretty much threw a rock in that track.”
“If it helps to know, he’s not looking for anything serious. Not that you want to be used…but you both could use some fun.”
“I don’t know, Natalee.”
She sits down at the table and motions for me to do the same. “Listen, Gabe and you have more in common than you think. He might not seem like it, but he’s hurting, too. It’s in a different kind of way, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. If anything, he could probably use a friend. As I’m sure you could, as well. Maybe just try talking to him.”
I tilt my head and shrug. “I’ve tried. And then I accused him of being gay.” She bursts out in laughter, her cheeks reddening with embarrassment for me. “Yeah, it’s been awhile since I’ve been on the dating scene.”
“Oh God, Kate. I swear I’m not laughing at you, but Christ.” She’s trying to conceal her smirk, but I’d laugh at me too, if I was her.
“No, it’s fine. I’m clearly in no condition to flirt with a guy. It’s like my flirt-o-meter is broken.”
“Kate, you are stunning. You need to stop worrying. I can tell he’s already affected by you. The way you guys banter and tease each other is a clear sign you’re both into each other. I could feel the sexual tension the entire day and neither of you even spoke a word to each other.”
“But isn’t that odd? I mean, I just met him forty-eight hours ago, we’ve seen each other naked—not by choice—and now he acts as if he can’t stand me. Not that I completely blame him. I might’ve given him mixed signals…” I scrunch my face, showing my confusion at my own actions.
“You’re a woman…we’re confusing creatures. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“It’s not that simple,” I try to explain, but stop myself.
She covers her hand up with mine, giving me a simple smile. “Don’t you remember how Trace and I met? I was completely smitten with him after the first day. I knew. I don’t know how, but I knew. It’s okay to be afraid or not understand how you can be drawn to another person. Sometimes you just have to let fate take its course.” I nod, remembering exactly the day Natalee called me to tell me about the ‘man of her dreams’ and how she had developed feelings for him so quickly. The only problem is—I can’t let myself develop feelings for Gabe, or anyone, for that matter.
“Yes, I remember.” I smile back. She explained their connection as palpable and their chemistry ‘off the charts.’
“Kate, just have fun. It’s okay.”
This is exactly why I love my cousin so much. She understands the unspoken things I want to say, but can’t. She’s giving me permission to have fun—to not feel guilty because my mom is dead. If only she knew…she’s given me permission for a lot more.
It’s only for the week, I remind myself. I can have fun without any feelings developing.
&nb
sp; Or so I will continue to tell myself.
Track 7: Someone Like You
Gabe
Trace and Natalee leave before breakfast to pick up some friends from the airport, leaving Kate and me alone once again. The last time we were alone things didn’t end up exactly as planned, so my intentions are to just hibernate in my room until they’re back home.
After getting dressed, I notice through the window that it’s a fairly decent day outside and consider going for a run just to get out of the house a while.
I hear a door slam and quickly look to see if someone’s here, but then I see Kate. She’s outside, walking toward the big oak tree.
What the hell is she doing?
I continue watching her, mesmerized by the way she struts right up to it and attempts to climb it.
I laugh to myself, curiosity building up inside as to why she’s trying to climb a tree. I watch as she puts one foot up, reaching her hand up for the branch that’s too high. She slips and falls right on her ass. She pops right back up and tries again. Back on her ass.
Oh, Christ.
I walk out of my room and down the stairs, heading right outside toward Kate. She’s still attempting to reach the first branch—jumping, bouncing on the ball of her foot, cursing—but no matter what she tries, she won’t reach it.
She’s completely oblivious to my presence as I approach from behind, so I take advantage and assist her, grabbing her ass and pushing her up until her hand comes into contact with the branch she’s been aiming for.
“What the hell?” She turns her head toward me while groping for the branch.
“Don’t tense up,” I tell her. “Keep your head up or you’re going to lose your balance.”
She turns her head back around, gripping the branch tighter as her other foot lifts off the ground and balances on the trunk of the tree.
“Now pull yourself up.” She does as I say with the help of my hands pushing her toward the next branch. “Grab the other branch and keep pulling yourself up.”
She continues, my hands losing contact with her ass. I stand there watching, making sure she doesn’t come tumbling down. She climbs until she comes to the third big branch and swings her leg over it so she’s straddling it.
“Holy shit,” she breathes out, looking out and seeing how high she is.
“Are you okay?” I yell up to her. “You aren’t going to pass out on me, are you? I mean, I’ll carry your ass down if I have to, but it won’t be easy.”
“Thanks, asshole.” I hear the amusement in her voice. “Are you always this charming?”
“Only when the occasion arises.”
“Which seems to be all the time,” she shoots back quickly.
I laugh lightly, shaking my head. “Mind telling me what you’re doing up there?”
“Checking out the view,” she says flatly.
“And you couldn’t have done that any other way without the potential of breaking your neck?”
“It’s on my list,” she calls down.
“On your list?” I furrow my brows, covering the sun with my hands. “What kind of list has this on it?”
“Learning how to climb a tree. Number fourteen.”
“That’s pathetic. Everyone should’ve learned in their childhood at some point.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t. Plan on coming up here anytime soon so I don’t have to keep yelling?”
I look down and realize I’m not wearing clothes fit to climb a tree. “Nah, I’m good.”
“Quit being a chickenshit and get up here.” Her tone is playful, making me ditch my original plan and agree to join her. This Kate I like. I look up at her with a wide smile across her face, her blonde hair blowing in the wind, looking like she’s having the time of her life.
“Fine.” I’ve climbed several dozen trees growing up, so I make it to her in no time. “Happy?” I grin, sitting on the branch opposite her. She’s close enough that we no longer have to yell, but far enough that I can’t touch her.
“I am,” she says simply. “I’ve always wanted to learn.”
“You poor, sheltered child.”
She tilts her head at me, smirking. “I didn’t grow up with older siblings to teach me. I was kind of a one-woman rodeo.”
“Well, that’s depressing.”
“Do you have siblings?”
I hesitate responding, but decide to answer her anyway. “Three brothers. But we’re all kind of scattered everywhere.”
Her eyes widen and lips spread to her eyes. “That must’ve been fun growing up.”
I nod in agreement. “There definitely weren’t any dull moments.” She nods back at me but doesn’t say anything. “So…are you going to tell me what type of list this is?” I raise a brow, hoping she feeds my curiosity.
“Not a chance.” She grins.
“Okay, then. Can you tell me how many things are on this list?”
She thinks a moment before answering and nods. “Twenty-four.”
My brows rise in surprise. My curiosity becoming too strong to hold back. “What’s twenty-four mean?”
“One for each year,” she explains with an easy shrug. “I picked twenty-four things I’ve never done that I want to do.”
“Twenty-four things to do when you’re twenty-four?” I inquire, trying to gauge why she’s putting a time constraint on herself.
She visibly swallows, and I wonder if I struck a nerve somehow. But then she responds casually with a sad smile. “Yeah, kind of.”
Knowing how off-limits I put my own past, I don’t pry any further about the meaning behind her list, but I’m too curious to let it go completely. “All right, so how many do you have left?”
She holds in a laugh. “Um, now—twenty-one.”
I gasp, trying to conceal the shocked expression on my face. “Okay, so basically you have the majority of your list to complete in a short amount of time.”
“That about sums it up.”
“Well…then we should get started.” I pull my leg over the branch, preparing to climb down the tree so I can assist her in not breaking a leg or something.
“Wait,” she stops me before I get anywhere. “There is one you could help me with right now.”
“And what’s that?”
“You have to come closer.” She eyes the branch she’s currently straddling.
“All right.” I shift my weight so I can climb over to where she is. I swing my leg over the thick branch, praying to God it holds the both of us. “I’m getting very suspicious of your list by the way,” I say with amusement, hoping she’ll give in and tell me.
“No asking about the list. That’s rule number one.”
“Oh, now there are rules?”
“There are always rules,” she says matter-of-factly.
“You know you’re giving me whiplash with all your mood swings.”
“Well, if you don’t want to help me, feel free to leave.”
There’s no way in hell I’m leaving now.
“I’m here, aren’t I?” I challenge.
“Fine.” She grins.
“So…now what?”
“Number four on my list—kiss a stranger,” she says it so confidently, I can’t help wondering if she’s putting this facade on for me.
I narrow my eyes and tilt my head. “We’ve already kissed.”
“Well, that didn’t count. I wasn’t ready for it.”
“Do you need to be ready for everything life throws at you?” I toss back at her. “Ever hear of spontaneity?”
“As of matter of fact, it’s on my list.”
I laugh aloud. “Being spontaneous is on your list?”
“Yes. It’s something I’m not really known for.”
“Well, that puts some of the pieces together.”
She glares at me. “C’mon, you owe me.”
“I owe you? What for?”
“For being a creeper in the bathroom.”
“You’re still mad about that?” I frown. “You’ve go
tten me back since then. I think we’re even.”
“Scaring me in the shower is nowhere near the same as what I’ve done to you.”
“Well, I beg to differ. But…all right. I’ll play your little list of games. What are the rules?” I inch closer.
“Well, technically, it was suppose to be a stranger but since that’s clearly not the case anymore…” She pauses briefly. “No asking about the past or the future.”
“No asking about the past or future?” I repeat, confused. “Then what’s left?”
Her lips form into a knowing smile. “The present.”
“The present…” I repeat, letting the words linger over my tongue a moment, thinking how true her statement is. “I guess I can live with that.”
“There’s one condition.”
“Okay.”
“It’s only a kiss. Nothing more, nothing less. Think you can handle that?” she challenges.
I laugh. Clearly, she’s joking. “You’re serious?”
“Yes, of course. It’s on my list,” she says matter-of-factly.
“Is it written in stone?”
“Under that one, yes.”
I chuckle. “No promises.” She glares at me, but I ignore it. I inch closer, grabbing her waist and pulling us closer together, so we’re almost touching. “Princess, I guarantee you the moment your tongue tastes mine—again—you’ll be begging for more than just a fucking kiss. But I will promise you one thing…” I wrap my other hand behind her neck, pulling her mouth so close to mine our lips almost touch. “I won’t stop no matter what’s on your damn list,” I whisper.
“I—” she begins, but I’m over our little conversation. I cut her off with my mouth, pulling her lips to mine before she can get another word out. She doesn’t hesitate inviting my tongue in, her hands gripping my shirt as she pulls me in tighter.
We’re living in the present, I remind myself. As long as we aren’t talking about the past or expecting a future, I can enjoy my time with Kate for the rest of the week. My body reacts to her in a way I haven’t felt before, so I’m going to make the most of it while I can.
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