Dirty Little Virgin: A Submissives’ Secrets Novel

by Michelle Love

  It hit her then, what she was doing, what she was allowing, was complicit in.

  Stop it. Please.

  But she couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell him to stop. As he came, grunting and calling her name over and over, she tried to smile, pulling his face down to her chest so that she didn’t have to hide the tears. She waited until he had pulled away, gone to the bathroom before she let the tears flow, burying her face in the pillow to soak them up. When she heard the toilet flush, the bathroom light click off, she turned quickly onto her side and pretended to be asleep. She felt him get into bed, pressed his warm, damp skin to hers. He slid his arm around her, stroked her belly with his thumb. She tried to make her breathing even.

  “I love you, Sarah, thank you for tonight” he whispered and laughed softly. She kept up the pretense and soon heard his breathing become softer. When she was sure he was asleep, she slid silently from his arms, pulling on her nightshirt, a sweater, and crept silently down the stairs. She grabbed her cell phone from her purse and shut herself in the pantry. She crawled into the darkest corner and pressed the speed dial.

  “Hello?” Molly’s voice was sleepy, somewhat annoyed. Sarah opened her mouth to speak but instead the tears came again and she sobbed quietly into the phone.

  “Honey?” Molly’s voice was softer now, concerned. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

  Sarah gathered herself. The pantry had a small window, high up, and outside she could see the light from the crescent moon, distorted through the rain on the glass.

  “No,” she managed eventually, “No. I’m not okay. I made a mistake, Molly. I made a terrible mistake and I don’t know what to do. God, Molly, what the hell do I tell Isaac? How the hell do I tell him this? Oh god…”

  Her own words hit her and she started to cry again as on the other end of the line, Molly frantically called her name.

  Now, Forever Part Four:

  What have I done?

  She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t get the roiling in her belly to stop. Sarah picked up the glass of orange juice Dan had placed in front of her, the plate of scrambled eggs untouched.

  “Aren’t you hungry, darling?”

  She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. If she opened her mouth, she was scared she would scream and scream. She had cheated on Isaac. She had slept with Dan. The man who had abandoned her, who might be the man who attacked her, attacked Molly, killed George. Who might still kill her.

  Since her frantic call to Molly, she had sat outside on the porch, trying to make sense of what had happened. She had heard that terrible song, screeching through the house, had been driven mad, so mad that when Dan made his move, she was totally unprepared. She had pushed the memory of the sex to the back of her mind – it made her want to throw up.

  “Sarah?”

  She looked at Dan finally. He was smiling but in his eyes, she saw something else. Triumph.

  “You made me a very happy man last night. Sublimely so.” His voice was a caress, his eyes soft. Sarah looked away from their intensity. He took her hand.

  “Sarah, you cannot be in any doubt about the way I feel about you. Ever since I first saw you again, I’ve wanted you back so badly it was making me crazy. So crazy I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do. What I was capable of.”

  All said through the widest smile but his words made fear curl through her. His words from his hospital visit came back to her.

  You are mine, Sarah, mine forever...I won’t let anyone else have you, my darling…not ever…

  He raised her hand towards his mouth, pressed his lips against the skin of her wrist. She flushed, tried to pull her hand away but he held it fast.

  “I know you must have reservations, and I don’t blame you but I just need you to understand. Sarah, I’m in love with you. No –,” he stopped her as she was about to speak. “ – don’t say it back. Think it over. I want to take care of you, Sarah, I want us to build a future together. I know we can’t have children of our own but – “

  “How do you know that?” She interrupted him then. That particular fact had been bothering her ever since a crowing Caroline had announced her sterility to the entire Varsity. “Did Caroline tell you that? How does she know?”

  Dan looked surprised. “No, darling, don’t you remember? Before I …went away, we were trying.”

  Sarah shook her head and snatched her hand away from him. “No, Dan. I didn’t find out until after you left me.”

  Dan winced. “Please, Sarah, don’t remind me of how foolish I was. I’m sure I’ve known since we married. Does it matter?”

  Yes, it does. It’s private. Sarah looked away from his gaze. “Dan…I’m married to Isaac. I’m in love with Isaac.”

  Dan laughed, a humorless sound. “Well, you certainly forgot that when you were screaming my name last night.”

  Was he insane? Every second of last night was clear in her mind. At no point, she thought, did I ever scream your name except to try and get you to stop. But you didn’t stop, did you?

  “Dan…I was upset last night, I wasn’t thinking. I asked you stop. More than once.”

  He looked up sharply. “Sarah, what are you accusing me of?”

  She swallowed, the anger was rolling off him. “I’m just asking if you heard me.”

  He shrugged. “I’ve already answered you, Sarah. Now can we eat?”

  The food was delicious but she felt her throat closing every time she started to swallow. She felt him watching her. She put her fork down and wiped her mouth.

  “Dan, last night was a mistake. I don’t want to upset you but it was.”

  He ignored her gaze. “You’re just confused, Sarah. That will pass. Eat your breakfast.”

  She shook her head in disbelief. “Are you even going to listen to me?”

  Dan slammed his fist down on the table, stood and swept the plates from it; they shattered against the counters, food spattering everywhere. Sarah jumped up in shock, her heart thumping. Dan’s face was red, his eyes bulging out at her, fists clenched.

  “Why must you always question me?” He stepped towards her, backed her up until she was pressed against the refrigerator, feeling its handle dig into her back. She couldn’t catch her breath in the face of his overwhelming anger. He twisted a handful of her hair in his fingers, yanking on it. She gasped at the quick pain.

  “Don’t you know how much I’ve done for you? Don’t you appreciate anything?” His mouth was close to her ear now. “I fucking own you, you ungrateful little bitch.”

  Sarah was frozen. Then, just a sudden as his temper flashed, it was gone. He released her hair, blinked and his expression registered shock.

  “Oh my God…Sarah, I’m so sorry, so sorry…” He gathered her to him but she stayed tensed as he rocked her gently. “I didn’t mean any of that. Please forgive me…I’m just so concerned for you, I’m just trying to do what’s right.”

  His contrition seemed so genuine but Sarah couldn’t move. He kissed her, trying to get her to relax but she wouldn’t yield.

  “Sarah, please…let’s go to bed, let me show you how much I care for you…” His voice was tender, seductive. He slid his hands, gentle now, around her waist, kissing from her neck to her ear. She could feel his erection pressing against her. A wave of nausea rose up.

  “No. No, Dan, stop.” She pushed him away, hands flat against his chest. He stepped back and she felt a pang of guilt at the hurt in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry…I just can’t. Not with you, I’m sorry.” She turned away from him, breathed deeply.

  After a moment, he spoke. “Is this still about Isaac Quinn? The man who betrayed you? Because I seemed an adequate replacement last night or have you forgotten that we fucked? Am I just one of many?”

  She whirled around then, angry. “So now I’m a whore?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  She threw up her hands. “Well, go right ahead. Everyone else thinks I’m a whore, just like my dear old mama.”

 
“I don’t think you’re a whore. I just think you used me.”

  His words, spoken in a gentle manner, stopped her. “I used you?”

  He nodded. “I know you were upset last night. Was I just the nearest warm body?”

  She sighed, exhausted. “Dan…I’m sorry but I love Isaac. If he’ll want me after this, I don’t know but I do know one thing. There is no future for you and me, Dan.”

  He stared at her for a few moments then stalked out. She heard the front door slam, shaking the whole house. She let out the breath she had been holding. The house echoed with silence again. Sarah cleaned up, moving around the kitchen slowly, grabbing the broom from the pantry, thinking about Dan’s words.

  You used me. You used me.

  Did I? She shook her head, trying to remember the other night better; she’d been so upset, so hysterical. Had she initiated it? Been so desperate for security, for someone to hold her that…no. She’d take responsibility for her part but Dan had been a willing partner.

  But you knew he would be…The thought of his cock pushing into her filled her mind and she gagged, dropping the broom and dashing up the stairs to the bathroom, where she threw up and up and up until she was dry heaving. After a while she staggered to her feet and rinsed her mouth out, glancing at her wan appearance in the mirror.

  “Who are you?” she whispered to the reflection, but it had no answer for her.

  Isaac ran the gauntlet of the press that had been camped outside his office building for the last week. The gutter press had had a field day with the news – helpfully delivered to them by Caroline Jewell – that he and Sarah had split. Gleeful headlines like “Secret Love Child Smashes Quinn Marriage After Two Weeks” and “Beauty and the Betrayer: How Isaac Quinn Lost the Love of His Life.” That last one had hit him hard. At home in the apartment, with Sarah’s clothes still hanging alongside his in the closet; her perfume bottle on the nightstand, her books mingled with his on the bookshelves, her absence seemed to echo around the apartment. He knew Molly had been right when she told him to make sure the foundation of their marriage was stable enough for Sarah to come back too but the reality was, he still wasn’t sure she would come back. If she did, how would she ever trust him again?

  Maggie, his assistant met him at the elevator, her eyes huge. “You okay, boss? God, they’re like vultures.” She squinted at him as they walked to his office. “You do look better, though. Has Sarah been in touch?”

  Isaac smiled at her. “We’ve talked. We’re working things out, she’s just taking a few days.”

  Maggie patted his shoulder. “That’s good news.”

  At his desk, Isaac called Sarah’s number as soon as he sat down. He reasoned she hadn’t said anything about not calling her. The call, however, went straight to voicemail. He left a message. “Just checking in, baby. Call me anytime…I love you.”

  He sat at his desk, flicking through his emails without much interest, when Saul came into the office, shutting the door behind him. He sat down opposite his younger brother, eyeing him.

  “Well…the prodigal son, etc. etc.” His tone was hard and Isaac nodded.

  “Yup.” He didn’t know what else to say; Saul was obviously pissed, rightly so.

  “What now?” Saul narrowed his eyes. “Another divorce? You’ve run rough-shod over that girl’s life and now this?”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Isaac was annoyed now. “Yeah, I should have told her about the kid but apart from that…”

  “You’ve been thinking that the threats and attacks have been coming from Sarah’s side but what if it’s someone targeting you?”

  Isaac was confused. “Saul, it was Caroline Jewell who arranged the meeting with Clare. She and Sarah have hated each other from childhood. Caroline, who is fucking Dan Bailey, has been fucking him for months.”

  Saul nodded. “Sure but why does it follow that both things are connected?”

  Isaac shook his head, confused. “I’m not following.”

  Saul sighed in frustration. “Isaac – I’m talking about Clare. Look, I didn’t want to have to tell you this but she’s been seen – she was seen – over the past year, turning up to events where you were, with and without Sarah. The first time she saw you with Sarah was at the Friedling Benefit at the Seattle Center a couple of months ago. Sarah was attacked three days later. Didn’t she say her attacker told her that he was going to make you watch while he killed her?”

  “Exactly, he. It was a man.”

  Saul’s jaw clenched. “Who just could have easily been hired by Clare.”

  Isaac stared at his brother for a long moment. “Have you any other reason to suspect Clare than that?”

  Saul shrugged. “You were always blind to who she really was. She thought by getting pregnant, she could trap you into marriage but you didn’t take the bait. Maybe she thought she could scare Sarah off.”

  Isaac rolled his shoulders and stood. “Saul, I think you’re reaching. What about the attack on Molly? George’s murder?”

  His brother sighed. “Look, I’m just saying, you’re so focused on the ex-husband, I think you’re overlooking another avenue of investigation. Isaac?”

  “What?”

  “Clare threatened Maika once.”

  “What the hell?” Isaac was stunned. “When?”

  “A little over two months into your relationship. I assume you told Clare the story of you and Maika?”

  Isaac laughed without mirth. “I thought it best. For some reason, back then, I didn’t keep secrets.”

  Saul nodded. “Well, it was when you and Clare came to dinner. Maika told me what she said, word for word, when they were talking together alone.”

  “Which was what?”

  “I’m quoting…”I want us to be close, Maika, like sisters, so I’ll say this only once. Don’t ever mess with my man again. I play dirty”.”

  “Jesus.” Isaac put his head in his hands. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

  Saul smiled. “Because Maika asked me not to. She was worried that you’d think she was a jinx on your love life. By the way, she says if you don’t get Sarah back, you’re a fool and she’ll kick your ass.”

  Isaac chuckled, sighing, shaking his head. “She’s well within her rights, I was an idiot. Look, thanks, Saul, I mean it. I had no idea Clare was so unstable, I’ll…god, I don’t know, talk to her.”

  “Might be worth mentioning to your cop friend. Anyhoo, glad you’re here, buddy. We got a big year coming up and I need your head in the game.”

  Isaac nodded, distracted, as his brother left his office. He had been stuck in the headspace of “Dan Bailey is a psycho” that he never considered that the actual threat could be coming from his life. He resisted the urge to call Sarah again – although the need to hear her voice was killing him. Instead, he called the head of QuinnCorp’s security and asked him to come to his office.

  If there was one thing he could do, was enlist an entire fleet of detectives and find out once and for all, who was threatening the life of the woman he loved.

  She walked slowly across the park to the beach, sitting on one of the large pieces of driftwood. The water, unusually calm, was an emerald mirror. A large Labrador bounded gleefully into it, chasing a ball and Sarah smiled sadly, missing Wilson, the way he used to stick his muzzle into her hand when he wanted a fuss or wanted her to throw one of his tennis balls.

  She moved down onto the sand, leaning against the wood, tucking her legs up under her chin, leaning her cheek on her knees. She felt hollow, drained. How the hell had it come to this? A week ago she was happy, married to the love of her life, ready to face head on any problem, any threat. How had she been so stupid?

  “Hey, funny face.”

  She looked up to see Finn smiling down at her. He eased down onto the sand next to her and bumped her shoulder with his.

  “Thanks for coming, Finn. I needed to talk to someone and I couldn’t think of anyone else. I need to tell you something, something I did
and I need to talk it out with you.”

  Finn leaned against her then, balancing his chin on her arm. “You’re my boo, Sazzle. You can tell me anything.”

  She studied him, suddenly unsure. “Can I? Or am I using you too?”

  He looked confused. “Huh?”

  To her horror, the tears came then and she started to sob, great desiccating sobs of heartbreak. Finn wrapped his arms around her and held her, saying nothing.

  As her tears turned to gulps, she told him in halting words what had happened. Finn listened as she stammered out her fears, her desperation.

  When she finally stopped speaking, Finn gave her a minute before he spoke. “Darlin”, the thing you’ve never allowed yourself is that you’re a human, a fallible human being who makes mistakes. You think that if you’re good and perfect twenty-four-seven then people will love you. Here’s the secret: People love you anyway. You can fuck up if you want. Yeah, sleeping with Mr. Charm was a mistake,” he grinned at her, “but, god, the mistakes I’ve made, that you’re Isaac has made…it’s okay, Sarah. I’m pissed that Dan took advantage but…”

  “No, don’t do that. I’m an adult, I’ve got to take responsibility. It’s just…oh god, Finn, how the hell do I tell Isaac?”

  Finn took a deep breath in. “Just say the words. It happened. He’ll have to deal.” He looked out to the ocean. “Maybe I’m not the right person to advise you on that point.”

  “Finn, I wish I could make you happy, I wish I could give you what you think you want. But I love Isaac and I won’t lose you. I’m so sorry.”