“If you don’t want to play that card just yet, then keep the pressure on her. Send her flowers and candies. See her as often as you can. Is there somewhere she goes you could show up at?” he asks as he watches another set of horse’s race.
“She works at a little store at the edge of town. That’s where I met her.”
“She’s a supposed scientist who works at a store?” he asks as he shakes his head. “She’s a liar, son.”
“No, Papa, she’s not. She’s still in college, at Clemson University,” I say then laugh at my father’s skepticism.
“If you have a place where you can go see her that’s what you need. Be nice to her even if she’s short with you. Remind her of any good times you had together. And end every short visit with an invitation for her to come to you. If after a while that doesn’t work, you can get aggressive with her. Treat her like you own her.”
“That woman will never accept that kind of treatment. Not ever. That would be a fatal mistake. But you may be right about the seeing her every chance I get. I will put that plan into action and see what happens.”
“I’m telling you, son. Show up with a pretty girl on your arm and watch her move mountains to get you back into hers,” he says, making me think he might be right. But I’d like to give a shot at the other way.
I’ve already hurt her enough as it is…
Chapter 2
CAMILLA
“Men have needs, dear,” Gina tells me as we clean out the coffee machines in the back of the store.
“I have the need to know I’m loved first and that I love the person I’m about to give myself to. What about my needs?” I ask as I slosh bleach water around in one of the glass coffee pots.
She stops scrubbing a pot someone left on the burner too long and coffee burnt to the bottom of it. “It sounds to me, that date he took you on and how he acted toward you, showed promise. He cares for you, at the very least. And I can see you care for him.”
“He’s a man with no morals,” I say as I rinse the pot and place it on a rack to dry.
“Teach him what you expect. In turn, he’ll teach you what he expects. And that means he expects his girlfriend to give him the sex he needs to function. You don’t understand how some men’s minds work. I’ve been married three times. I’ve studied the beasts. They are simple creatures. Feed them, coddle them when they need it, and keep them happy in the bedroom, or where ever they feel like getting frisky. Don’t be such a prude, Camilla.”
Prude!
“I am not a prude, Gina!”
“I think you are a bit of one. How do expect you and this man to know if you are compatible? Let’s say you don’t have any sex and you fall madly in love with one another, if that can happen without having any sex? Then you get married and the wedding night comes and boom, he sucks! What then? You got yourself into a marriage with a crappy lover.”
“I didn’t mean we had to wait until we got married,” I say with a huff. “I’m not that bad. I just meant until we were sure we didn’t want to see other people. That’s all I meant,”
“But, didn’t you tell me he did offer you that? Just before you left him?” she asks.
“Well, yes,” I say as I toss the dishrag I wiped my hands on, into the dirty rag bucket. “But he had one condition. Sex being the condition. I’m not into that.”
“You aren’t into having sex being a part of a real commitment?” she asks as she shakes her head. “You’re being unrealistic. Why have a commitment at all if not for that reason?”
“Life is about more than sex, Gina,” I say as I walk away with the chirp of the door that means we have a customer. “I’ll take care of this one. You have your hands full.”
“Not to a man, it’s not!” she calls out to me as I leave the backroom.
“Welcome to Ty’s…” I stop as I see Cyprian, waiting at the counter.
“Hi,” he says.
I shake off the panic my body is suddenly filled with and walk forward. “Let me guess, you need more condoms?”
“No,” he says as he places his hands on the counter top. “I need you. That’s all I need.”
“Aww,” comes from behind me as Gina is eavesdropping.
I turn and glare at her. “Those coffee pots won’t clean themselves, Gina.”
“Hi, Gina,” Cyprian calls out to her. “How’s it going tonight?”
“Well, and you, sir?” she asks.
“It would be better if a certain someone would forgive the imbecile I have been and see fit to give this old dog another chance,” he says.
“Aww, Camilla, don’t be a stubborn fool. Why, I’d jump through hoops for a man like him,” Gina says and I wave my hands to shoo her away.
I turn back as she disappears to the back again and I make my way to the man who has torn a hole in my heart with his immoral ways. “Cyprian, look, at this point, there are no hard feelings on my part. You are the man you are. I merely cannot deal with that.”
“I was a fool who was in a state of sexual frustration. I am not blaming you for that, I am merely stating a fact. And all that can change but that’s up to you, Cami. I want you. I want all of you. I want to see you every single day. I’ve never wanted to see anyone that much.” He smiles as if that’s going to make anything better.
“Lucky me,” I say, sarcastically. “And let’s pretend for a minute that it is possible for me to give you sex whenever you need or demand it. Because there will be certain situations which will arise when I will not be able to have sex. Physical reasons, you know?”
“I am not an addict, Cami. I do have the ability to deal with the fact you are unavailable for that at certain times of the month and when you’re sick. It’s not like I need it all the time. But I do want it on the table. I need it on the table. I’m willing to give you the commitment. It will be only you, I see. I will stay away from my father’s parties and the track but I will expect you to fill that empty space.”
“Cyprian, I hate the way you make things sound. It sounds like a business deal you’re making with me. In return for your faithfulness to me, I am to let you fuck me whenever you please,” I say then huff and cross my arms in front of me.
“Isn’t that, essentially what a relationship is, Cami? And there’s no reason to use vulgar terminology when describing sex. Also, it won’t be anytime I please. It’s not like you’re my sex slave. It will be a relationship. We promise to be faithful to one another while also seeing to each other’s needs. I’m sorry if you feel I’m being too straight forward. I don’t know any other way to be. I know business and that’s the way I think is best to handle this thing with you,” he says and thumps the counter top with his fist. “Come to my place when you get off and we can hammer out any details you want.”
I laugh and shake my head. “Cyprian, I am not about to sit down and write out a contract for us. Bye.”
I walk away, leaving him staring after me. He turns away and leaves and I feel a weight on me.
Did I have to be that hard on him…?
Chapter 3
CYPRIAN
“Give me her address,” my father says as I sulk on the sofa in his den. “I’ll go talk to her. I’ll explain things to her about you.”
“Papa, she’d rip you apart. She doesn’t like how you raised me,” I let him know before he makes a huge mistake.
“Rip me apart?” he asks as his hand flies to his chest. “I highly doubt that.”
“I don’t. She’s pretty snappy with her words. And she is sure to have some choice ones for you. I’ve been at her store every night this last week. She’s brutal,” I say and take another long drink of the Scotch my father gave me to settle me after another brutal night of trying to unruffle Cami’s very ruffled feathers.
“I’ll take my chances. Her address, Cyprian? Please don’t make me find it for myself.” He picks up his cell phone, getting ready to make a call that will get him the information he wants.
“Papa, you need to let me fight my own batt
les with her. I did this to myself. I should’ve sent those women away. I do deserve this.” I take another drink and watch him tap away at his phone. “What are you doing?”
“Your mother is in town. I’m sending her to go talk some sense into the tenacious woman.”
“Papa, no! She isn’t Mother’s fan either. Please, let me handle things!” I get up and pace around the room. “Why must you bother yourself with my personal affairs?”
“I’ve never butted in before,” he says. “I just can’t stand to see you so unhappy. I have to do something about it.”
“You have butted in before. Many, many times. The day you asked me to come to that first party that was you butting into my personal life. You taught me that was the only way to socialize. You cheered me on when that woman, that grown woman, led me up the stairs to my bedroom. The whole room did. No wonder I am immoral and incapable of having a normal woman. Cami’s right, I am asking too much of her and I’m just now realizing that.” I move toward the door. “I have to get out of here.”
“Cyprian!” my father calls out. “You are not at fault here. You did nothing wrong. You and she had no prior commitment. Stop apologizing. Be a man!”
I hurry away, ignoring him. He’s wrong and I know he is and now I know I’ve been wrong too. Ashton is waiting in the car for me as it’s Friday and I told him I wanted to talk to my father, briefly but I wanted to be gone before any of his guests arrive.
He’s out and opening the back door of the Cadillac he drove me to work in today and I get in. “Take me to Cami’s.”
“Sir, that’s such a bad…”
I interrupt him, “Just do it!”
He closes the door as he shakes his head and goes around the car to get in. He’s quiet as a church mouse all the way to her house. I see her car in the drive and get out.
She opens the door just before I get to it. Her green smock is in her hand. “I don’t have time for this, Cyprian.”
She tries to go past me but I grab her arm. “I only want to tell you one thing, Camilla. I want to tell you I am sorry and I’m taking my offer off the table.”
She stands perfectly still and looks into my eyes. “You are?”
With a nod, I turn and leave her alone. I’m not trying to hurt her or manipulate her. I am merely giving her the information that I will no longer be asking her for anything. I’ve tried to rush things just so I can get her into my bed and I am done doing that to her.
Tonight starts a new way of living for me. And I don’t need Cami in my bed to make changes. I need to be the best man I can be and stop thinking about my damn sex life or lack thereof.
She’s right, there is more to life than just sex. There’s so much more and I’m about to discover just what else there might be in this big old world that I’ve left undiscovered.
If love is meant for me, it will come my way. But I can’t take Camilla, just to give me the experience. It’s wrong in so many ways.
As I get back into the backseat of my car, I see Cami getting into hers and I have to wonder what she’s thinking about what I said.
I hope she wasn’t hurt by it…
Chapter 4
CAMILLA
An entire week has passed without me seeing hide nor hair of Cyprian. I watch each night for one of his many cars to pass by on his way home after work but have yet to spot one.
He told me he was taking his offer off the table but I didn’t think that meant he was really done. There’s an empty spot inside of me with him gone. I didn’t realize it was there until he left me completely alone.
I find myself looking at my cell phone many times a day and thinking about giving him a call. Which I know I shouldn’t do. I’m sure he’s staying at his father’s and getting all the ass he can since he missed out on so much of it as he wasted his time on me.
It’s Saturday night and I’m closing the store, looking around for any sign that Cyprian is around, maybe looking out for me. I see no sign and know I went too long and too far. He’s over me.
I deserve it, I know I do. I gave him no slack at all. As time has passed, I made some realizations about the man. His past is a thing I didn’t take into consideration when I was so hard on him for being with those escorts, as they call themselves.
He is a man who has had terrible examples in his life. I should’ve been nicer to him about it. I could’ve said things nicer to him. I didn’t have to give in and take him up on his offer but I didn’t have to be so mean with how I told him things.
As I look back at all the different things I said, as he came in each night, I have to admit I was harsh. And I’d like to apologize for being so judgmental. It’s really not like me at all.
Driving down the road, I see his gate and look up the drive and see the house is all lit up. I wouldn’t dare pop in on him.
Never again will I subject myself to that!
But I might give him a call to tell him I’m sorry about how I talked to him. He has the capacity to be a good man. I saw it that day on our day-long date. It’s there, just beneath the surface.
A surface that’s been hardened by a life of repetition with no influences to show him how a loving relationship works. And I talked to him as if he was to blame for that.
He was a child, for God’s sake!
Pulling into my drive, I find myself feeling extremely remorseful and I go inside and plop down on my sofa. The pale green fabric is threadbare as the furniture came with the place.
Still looking at my phone, I know it’s late. It’s two-thirty in the morning. Instead of calling and waking him up or hearing tons of women in the background, I find it safer to send him a text.
-I’d like to apologize to you for the words I’ve said. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I’d love to apologize to you in person or at least over the phone.-
When nothing comes back, I place the phone on the coffee table and go to bed. I had an idea he’d want nothing to do with me. And he’s right to be that way.
I berated the man who had nearly no control over what he did. That had been ingrained in him, since he was five-years-old. Only ten years later, sex was thrust upon him. And I tore into him like he had complete control over himself.
It’s like screaming at a person who can’t see, for stepping on your toes. Cyprian did do things wrong. But it was obvious by how he acted that he knew it was wrong. He never knew that before.
Everyone he was around, accepted him having sex with whoever he wanted to. I go on one date with the man and think we’re a couple and treat him like I was his wife.
Was it shameful for him to screw two women after dropping me off minutes earlier?
For certain!
The thing is, I never gave him a chance to talk it out with me. I just judged him, harshly and walked away. Every bit as coldly as he did to me, in the beginning.
I don’t deserve a second chance. I know that. But I do want him to know I am sorry for how roughly I’ve treated him. It was wrong and I merely want the opportunity to tell him that. But it seems he doesn’t want to give me that and I have to accept the fact, I will not get what I want. And I’ll have to learn to be okay with that.
But, damn, this feels terrible…
Chapter 5
CYPRIAN
After a two-week retreat to cleanse myself from the poisons that have been fed to me since birth, I have found a guru to help me find the inner me who’s been shoved down my entire life.
Tabitha is a fifty-year-old woman who looks much younger, thanks to learning how to live life in a positive manner. She’s had just as many hardships as any of us who attended her retreat have had and she has managed to not only overcome them but learn from them and use them as stepping stones to help her get out of the hole she was in. She taught us a lot of techniques to use to help us achieve the same goals.
Our phones were the first things to go, so we could immerse ourselves in getting to know our true selves. The instructions told us to leave them at home, which I did.
During the retreat, I found I want more from this life than I ever imagined. I never took the time to stop and think about what it was I wanted.
Kids have always been a thing I thought I was incapable of raising but I found a deep desire to see myself in another human being. So, now kids are part of what I want to experience in my life.
Tabitha says we only get one life and we should live it to the fullest, which means something different for each person. She’s a wise woman. Her little sayings run through my head often.
I’m about to walk into my home, for the first time in two weeks, and pick my phone back up and begin my normal life again but with a whole new attitude.
Work is to be eight to ten hours a weekday and no more than that. I thought I couldn’t take any time off. Somehow the company made it just fine without me for two weeks, so I think they can manage to have me a few less hours each day.
Each weekend, I am to schedule something I’ve never done before. This upcoming weekend I will go skydiving. Tabitha says it was an amazing experience and everyone should do it at least once in their lifetime.
Sunday’s should be days for reflection and one should take it easy. Rest as much as you want to and find something uplifting to read or watch. I got a book from the Oprah book club site and will be reading that on Sunday.
My body and mind feel so much better than I ever recall feeling before. I do believe finding Tabitha’s website and going to her retreat was a great thing for me.
Today is Sunday and work begins tomorrow. Back to the normal world I go then and have to see if I can really incorporate some of what I’ve learned into my real life.
Ashton pulls to a stop at the front door. “Here you are, sir. Did you miss the place?” He stars to get out of the car to help me out.
“No, Ashton, let me get my things. I appreciate your help but I can do for myself,” I say as I open my own door.
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