Knox—running out of money.
Riley—ear worms. Those annoying fragments of a song that won’t stop running through your head? He’s scared one will never shake loose. I’m guessing he’s even more scared it’ll be some boy band crap.
Josh—sharks. You should see him run for the shore if even seaweed brushes his leg. But the guy is fearless with snakes, so we don’t mock him on it. Very much.
Logan—still AWOL, so I guess we can say he’s scared of being stuck in one spot. Or having blank passport pages.
And me? Why am I boring you with this serious topic? Because I was always convinced that fear was bad. The only way to deal with it was to ignore it. Pretty dumb, huh? Because fear is useful. Fear can keep you alive. It’ll probably keep Josh from getting bitten by a shark, at the very least. Fear makes you more aware of a situation. Makes you realize how important it is.
I think I was scared of fear itself. Thought fear was the enemy, instead of the situation causing it. I wouldn’t let it push me around. When I tuned in this week and listened to my fears for the first time, I learned a whole lot.
I learned that I’m scared of not being able to save someone’s life. That’s a good thing—it makes me work harder every time I’m out on a rescue. I learned I’m scared of admitting how much I miss my mom when she’s gone—so here’s a PSA: call your parents. You’ll feel better after checking in, and so will they. Because you don’t notice parents, especially as an adult, until they’re not around…and then it sucks.
So yeah—scared of losing a life, losing a parent, and to go for the hat trick, I’ll admit that what I learned most this week is that I’ve got an even bigger fear. I’m scared of losing the woman I love. Scared of not keeping her forever.
But you know what? That fear is going to make me dig deep. Help me find a way to get through to her so that she overlooks my idiocy and sees me standing there, petrified that I’ve lost the best thing in my life. Petrified that I won’t be good enough for her. Petrified she’ll decide I’m not worth risking her heart for.
If I ignored my fear, I’d still be on my high horse about our stupid argument. Stuck on proving my point. On not letting her see my fear. But that won’t get her back. So I’m throwing it out there to the world. I’m a guy. I’m scared of stuff. And the world keeps turning. Don’t make me do it alone, though. Instead of ignoring your fear, think about it. Be okay with it. Figure out how you can use it to make you stronger. And wish me luck using my fear to win back the most amazing woman in the world. As soon as I figure out how.
This changed everything. Okay, not everything, but it solidified the plans she’d already set in motion. Chloe lunged onto the bed, scrabbling for her phone. If Griffin could confront all his fears and demons, so could she. And her brother would just have to get on board with her plan.
“Mom? David and I need to sit down with you. Talk through some things.”
—
Chloe looked longingly at the second travel mug of coffee in the cupholder. The scent of her favorite chocolate-cinnamon blend filled the rental car. But she was already too keyed up to add more caffeine to her bloodstream. She’d drummed on the steering wheel so hard that her amber ring left a welt on her palm. That’d be an annoying pain for the entire four-hour ride ahead of her.
The problem with making a huge, life-changing decision was that you immediately wanted to act on it. Check everything off her lengthy to-do list. Fast-forward past all the prep and actually do the thing. Instead, she’d been parked outside of Griff’s house for almost an hour. Waiting. Fidgeting. Driving herself crazy with working through his potential reaction. The only thing she hadn’t done was second-guess herself. Well, yet. The morning was still relatively young.
Not wanting to get stuck in D.C.’s infamous rush-hour traffic, she’d left super early. So she’d gotten to watch Josh leave, carrying loaded bags that undoubtedly meant he was headed to his food truck. Knox jogged down the tree-lined street with headphones on, oblivious—hopefully—to the way she’d thrown herself sideways into the passenger seat to avoid being spotted. No less than three dog walkers had paraded past. But although she’d staked out the old rectory for an hour now, still no sign of Griffin.
Maybe this was a dumb approach. Chloe had been aiming for dramatic flair with her early-morning surprise visit. Practically speaking, though, it probably would’ve been smarter to call or text or let him know in some way that she wanted to talk to him. If he would talk to her. If he wasn’t so pissed about the way she’d thrown him out that he never wanted to speak to her again. Yup, the more she thought about it, the more flaws became apparent in this plan.
The front door slammed. Chloe jumped. There was Griff, in his uniform, headed to work. So stinking handsome with his starched shirt tucked in tight enough to reveal the bulge of ripped muscle beneath. It took her breath away. Ready or not, this was the moment she’d been waiting for. She scrambled out of the car. Tried for a casual tone, as opposed to giving in to every instinct in her body that told her to rush over and climb him like a tree.
“Hi there, Lieutenant.”
His eyebrows shot up almost to the shiny black brim of his white hat. “Chloe? What are you doing here?” Pulling his messenger bag off his shoulder, Griffin rushed down the steps to her. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
There he went, swinging right into protective mode, ready to save her, to fix her. But Chloe had finally figured out that wasn’t aimed just at her. Griff looked at the whole world as something just one slip away from needing to be rescued. He’d saved his friends from certain death on that Italian mountainside all those years ago, and it must’ve flipped a switch in him.
He’d rescued the friend of Riley’s who couldn’t get a date by writing an entire blog post about him. He’d rescued the waitress at the Portuguese embassy from the handsy American. If Chloe had let him, Griffin would’ve rescued her from her irate client. It was just who he was. It didn’t mean he saw Chloe as someone who couldn’t stand on her own two feet. So she could live with it, admire it, even. If he just gave her the chance.
“I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong,” she assured him, to get him to stand down.
Oh, he stood down, all right. He immediately put it in reverse to add a spare two feet of space between them. A polite mask smoothed out his features. “Then what’s with the drop-by?”
Whoops. She’d forgotten that to men, an uninvited drop-by was anathema. Reviled. It implied—to guys, at least—an assumption that things were much, much further along in a relationship than the man was comfortable with. Quite often it led to an immediate end to everything. Or so Chloe had learned in her compulsive binge reading of all the Naked Men blog posts. Strategy was clearly not her strong suit. Hopefully she’d make up for it with her depth of sincerity.
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“Done.”
Wow, he didn’t plan on giving her an inch, did he? On the other hand, she deserved it. Chloe shifted her weight from one sneaker-clad foot to the other. And then she noticed his clenched fists held tight to his sides. Ohhh. After the way she’d yelled at him on Monday, poor Griff probably expected that she’d stopped by just to rail at him some more. They’d better get that out of the way first.
“I don’t want to fight with you. In fact, I want to apologize.”
A bit of the steel went out of his posture. He pocketed his hands. “For what?”
Oh, just for not appreciating that he was absolutely the best thing ever to happen in her entire life. She noticed another six-pack of dogs straining at their leashes headed their way. Chloe gestured at the front door. “Do you want to go inside for this?”
“No.” His aviator shades gave nothing away, aside from the reflection of the vertical line of worry between her own eyebrows. “I don’t want to add one more memory of your face in my house if you won’t be coming back.”
Talk about a zing straight to the heart. That was simultaneously achingly romantic and painful. Chloe decided to
silver-lining it and lean toward it meaning that he might come around to her plan. Unless she said something stupid to spoil it all. Which was why she’d written out her entire apology at three a.m. No point in taking any chances.
“Okay. Well, then. I’m apologizing for accusing you of trying to fix me to make yourself feel good. That was just plain dumb. And mean. I know that’s not why you did it.”
He cocked his head. “Do you?”
“Yes. You can’t help it. You want to fix people because you know you can make things better. Most of the time, you probably do. It’s a gift, or a talent, or both. Either way, it’s a huge part of what makes you so special and selfless and awesome and why I fell in love with you.”
His head dipped. “Apology accepted.”
“Oh, I’m not close to done. I need to clear the air for all the ways I was an idiot, or we won’t be able to go forward with a clean slate. So.” Chloe closed her eyes for a second to picture her apology letter—indigo fountain pen on pale blue paper—and pick up where she’d left off. “I also want to apologize for accusing you of not understanding me. Which was an even dumber thing to say, since you ‘get’ me better than anyone ever has. Not agreeing with me a hundred percent of the time in no way shows a lack of respect or understanding. I was angry, so I lashed out.”
He gave another brisk nod. “Apology accepted.”
Wow. She’d give anything to have those noisy birds in the tree overhead swoop down and make off with his shades. It was impossible to tell if he was still mad without seeing his eyes. Griff’s forgiveness wasn’t all she wanted today. She wanted a fresh start. Or, even better, to pick up right where they left off. Was he being polite, or was he actually receptive? Would he finish hearing her out and then just go off to work?
Chloe twisted her hands at her waist. “Most of all, I want to apologize for throwing you out. A relationship can’t work unless we talk our way through to the other side of a fight.”
“Are you saying we’re still in a relationship?”
“That’s up to you. I hope so. I mean, you don’t have to decide right now if you’re still upset with me—” Wow. He ripped off his glasses and threw them to the grass. That move revealed his eyes burning with the same fiery combination of lust and love she’d seen every time they had sex.
Griffin covered the space between them in one long-legged lunge. Then his hands were on her ass, lifting her against him even as he kept moving forward until she was pinned between him and the rental car. The rows of service awards on his chest dug into her skin, but she didn’t care. Chloe instinctively wrapped her legs around his hips, which freed one of his hands to rove frantically across her back. The other fisted in her hair to tilt her head back just enough for him to kiss her. No, not kiss her. Reclaim her. This kiss was hard, thorough, lava-liciously hot, and almost bruising in its intensity. It said, more than words possibly could, that she was his and he was hers.
When Griff finally broke away, it was to frame her face in his palms, with a touch so tender that tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. “I’m not upset with you. And yes, I’ve already decided that I want to be with you.”
“I figured as much. I read your blog post. That’s what gave me the courage to stop by this morning.”
He looked as stunned as if an elephant had dropped out of the sky behind her. “I didn’t know you’d see it. I just wrote it to get it all off my chest. If I’d known you’d read it, Chloe, I would’ve said so much more. I want to get it right. I want to say all the right things to fix—”
Chloe slapped a hand across his mouth. “Wait. You can’t yet.”
He nibbled at her fingers until she dropped her hand with a squeal. “You’re kinda ruining the big romantic moment.”
No way. That kiss was, hands down, the most romantic moment of her life. Nothing could ruin it. “I told you that I want a clean slate. So I’ve got other things to tell you.”
“Me too.” His gaze turned serious. “In fact, let me start.”
“Nope. It’s still my turn. Consider this a continuation of my apology.” There’d been a lot of thinking, a lot of soul-searching, and even some tears over the past week. Chloe had come to some conclusions about herself, about her life. Griffin needed to be aware of the changes. “You have to hear it all, Griff, before you decide to stay with me.”
His hands skimmed down her neck, across her shoulders to clasp at the small of her back. “Do I have to let go of you for this?”
Laughter gurgled out of her. “Absolutely not.”
“Then go on.”
“David and I had a long heart-to-heart with Mom.” Talk about a difficult conversation. Except that, once they started, the relief that filled the room made it all so simple. “It turned out that she thought we were so attentive to her because it made us feel better. She knew that she’d put us through the wringer with her last hospitalization for anxiety.”
Griffin tilted his forehead to rest against hers in a gesture that showed how much he understood what a bombshell that had been. “All the constant checking in was for your sake?”
“Well, not entirely.” Because her mom still did take a regimen of medication to stabilize her emotions, her anxiety. But that was the vital point she and David had missed. Their mom was stable. “Maybe seventy percent for us, and thirty percent for herself? She’s actually been talking to her doctors for a year about how to gently push us away a little.”
“Ouch. Ironic.”
They never should’ve treated her with kid gloves. It hadn’t been healthy for any of them. And if they’d just discussed it a few years ago, all three of their lives would’ve been different—or had the potential to be, anyway.
“She’ll always be more anxious about her children than the average mother. But she urged us to stop making decisions based on the potential to upset her.”
“That’s huge.”
“Life-changing. David yelled at me for not doing it sooner. But the point is that the only thing holding me back now…is me. And you were right about that, too. You and Summer. I guess I needed to be hit over the head with the truth more than once before I could see it. I am still scared.”
“People are scared every day. Fear happens. It’s how you deal with it that matters. I learned that in the Alps. I was scared shitless the whole time. Kept moving anyway. I’m scared every time I do a rescue. Scared that I won’t be good enough or fast enough. The fear doesn’t go away.”
“I know.” Chloe rubbed a hand over the Raleigh University logo on her T-shirt with SURVIVOR stamped across it in bright orange. Just letting her wounds knit back together didn’t make her a survivor. To truly honor her classmates and teachers who didn’t survive that day, she had to do more. Embrace life and all its wonderful possibilities, instead of just letting it roll past her. “There’s a part of me that for the next sixty years will probably flinch every time a truck backfires. But flinching’s okay. I can be brave, be myself, and still flinch. It doesn’t have to stop me from doing anything.”
“Define anything.”
She slid her legs back down that hard body of his to stand. Reaching past him, she patted the roof of the bright red rental SUV. “I’m going to attend the shooting anniversary ceremony. A road trip to a small college town isn’t like jaunting off to Paris or Athens, but it’s a first step.”
“Yes, it is. I’m proud of you, Chloe.”
Bending in through the window she grabbed the bag of cookies and brandished them in front of him. “See these? I baked banana chocolate chip oatmeal cookies for the drive.”
“They look great.” He grabbed for the bag. Chloe scurried backwards out of his reach. “They’re a bribe. You haven’t earned one yet. Here’s the thing. I can either leave now, or I could leave at five o’clock, or whenever your duty shift ends today. With or without you, I’m going. But this is a first step that I very much want to do with you.”
“What about Summer?”
“She’s coming along, of course. That’s why
I rented a car big enough for all three of us.”
“If this is the first one you’re going to, shouldn’t it just be the two of you?”
“I want you there, too. You’re the whole reason that I’m going. You and your constant attempts to push me out of my rut, out of my comfort zone.”
“You can’t do this for me, Chloe.” He looked aghast.
“I’m not. Don’t you see? You can push as hard as you want, but it’s up to me to choose to be moved. You opened my eyes. Griffin, you helped me remember that I’m brave enough to do this. You make me want to risk it all.”
“Funny you should put it like that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I had a heart-to-heart with my own mother.”
“Really? About what?”
“Frogs. Don’t ask. But then we moved on to something we haven’t discussed in years—my father. He left when I was so little that we never circled back as adults to talk about him. Or my five stepfathers. Mom helped me realize that I suck at not taking charge of a situation. At letting someone else take the controls. And falling in love with you is the most out-of-control thing I’ve ever done.”
“Hey, you shoved me out of my comfort zone. It’s only fair that I return the favor.”
“I want to share everything with you—the good, the bad, and the uncomfortable, I guess. I really listened to Mom for the first time in a long time. All those trips to the altar? They weren’t pathetic. They were brave. Just like you. So I got inspired to also risk it all.”
“How?”
“Believe it or not, I planned to stop by your place tonight. Apologize for being a pushy, disrespectful jerk who didn’t listen. Apologize for hurting your feelings. Because I’m so sorry, Chloe, for upsetting you even a little. I love you. I don’t ever want to hurt you. And then I was going to beg you to take me back.”
“Too late. I groveled first. I kind of like that I get to hold that over you.”
“You’ll get even more. I figured out that the best way to patch things up between us was to not take charge for once. By leaving the decisions about our future entirely in your hands.”
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