Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh

by Harmon Cooper

“Toying with her? She completely disabled him.”

  “She did do that.” Walt considers this for a moment as the video plays back. “In that case, then, she got lucky.”

  “How long until she is fully operational again?”

  “Not today. It takes up to twenty-four hours for a complete reboot.”

  “But she’ll be her old self again tomorrow?” Kodai asks, desperation in his voice.

  “Yes, I believe so.”

  .3. Bugbears are Assholes

  Even though it is early morning, the foliage of the Attla Forest keeps the ground bathed in shadows. Walking ahead are FeeTwix and Zaena, followed by Hiccup on Wolf’s back and then Enway and Ryuk, who have been instructed to hang towards the back because of their classes.

  It is good advice, actually, and even though he’s technically the leader, or at least everyone treats him like he is, Ryuk lets Zaena take the lead on this one.

  If she has changed any since revealing she’s a princess, he really can’t tell.

  The fact that she’s threatened to throttle Hiccup multiple times for mentioning the word ‘princess’ only reminds Ryuk of how powerful the word is to her, and how little she’d like others to acknowledge her background.

  I get that, Ryuk thinks. He too would like to forget his background, his mother and his brother, the sick business that has made his family wealthy to the point that he’s never even considered the cost of things.

  He acts as if he’s your average college dropout barely making ends meet, his motto remaining something along the lines of: I didn’t ask for this, all this came to me.

  Sometimes, there is no other way to cope.

  “Ever see that episode of Flight Feet in which they fight their way to Spider Skull Island? I love that one!” Enway smiles at Ryuk, the ends of her white skirt bouncing as she steps lightly from one rock to the next. “The queen spider is so freaky…”

  “They always play that episode,” Ryuk says, recalling when he went to the Tokyo International Anime Fair with Tamana, and the fun they had there. A pang of sadness spreads through him: things were so much simpler at that time.

  “Yeah, well if anyone is asking, I hate spiders too,” Hiccup says, having a one-sided conversation with Wolf. “You’re right, pal, I should fickin’ clarify my hatred before Princess Liz over there says I’m some sort of bigot. Racist, yes, Liz, maybe, but I’m no bigot. Spiders are ficked.”

  Zaena stops, her fists clenched at her sides. “You are the very definition of bigot, Hiccup. I wouldn’t be surprised if your name really was Hiccupanaratabigot.” She laughs at her own joke. FeeTwix grins like Liz just dropped a dad joke, which only makes her laugh harder.

  “Laugh it up, Liztard. We’ll see who is the bigot once I get to meet your family.”

  “Meet my family?” she shakes her head. “I hope there is never such a day.”

  “Don’t listen to her, Wolfy,” Hiccup says as he trots forward on wolfback. “Haters gonna hate, but you already knew that. All dogs know that. I mean, you fickers have cats to deal with. And fick cats, unless we’re speaking about kittens, because they’re cute as fick. Delicious too.”

  “Gross,” Enway whispers.

  The cantankerous goblin pauses for a moment as he tries to remember the point he was trying to make. “Where was I, Twixy?”

  “Beats me, Hiccup. I tuned you out long ago, old pal.”

  “Is that any way to speak to an elder? Don’t they have respect for distinguished members of society in Swedish culture? Okay then, um, Marbles, catch me up to speed,” Hiccup calls over his shoulder. “What the fick was I talking about?”

  “I’m not your notepad, Hiccup.”

  “Like fick you aren’t. You’re practically my legal assistant over there, and if you really want to know how to get a whiff of Enway’s lady choop, it starts with charity towards your elders.”

  Enway shakes her head. “I’m offended and at the same time finally happy you learned to use the word chalupa correctly. Yes, Hiccup, I have a chalupa, or lady choop, as you call it. And you have a churro.”

  Ryuk steps around a curious stump in their path. Thulean script is carved into the stump, and upon reading it, Hiccup announces that this was the very same path the Knights of Non Compos Mentis traversed over fifteen years ago.

  “See kids, it is helpful to be able to read,” he says, matter-of-factly.

  “We can all read, Hiccup. I’m assuming at least a few of us can read in multiple languages,” says FeeTwix. “I know I can.”

  “Same here,” says Enway.

  “I can read English,” Ryuk adds, “but maybe my speaking isn’t so good.”

  “I’m sure it’s fine, pal,” FeeTwix says. “And we’re going to find out soon enough. I’ll be in Tokyo in a couple of hours. I’m already at the airport, awaiting my flight. I’ll be logged in the entire time aside from takeoff and landing. I’ll go on auto-level for those times. Can’t miss a beat!”

  Propping up FeeTwix’s perfectly arranged blond hair is his Reaper skull, which is now latched to his forehead thanks to Enway’s handiwork back in Kayi.

  “I too understand several languages,” Zaena adds. “Thulean, English, and ancient Thulean.”

  “Fick me, I try to make a point and you three drill it into the ground. Come on, Wolfy, let’s ride ahead. If you feel the need to relieve yourself, now would be an appropriate time.”

  Wolf comes to a halt, nearly bucking Hiccup off. He barks as his ears flick back.

  “Keep your cool, Wolfy, there are no bitches in this forest. Ha! Finally, finally, I can use that word in its proper context.”

  “Riptak jatla blanktakh boomboom morrha.”

  “Fick me thrice and call me Dumbledick. How many times do I have to tell you, Liz? Calling me a ‘filthy goblin’ is a compliment in my neck of the woods. And my mother wasn’t a whore. Or at least I don’t think she was.”

  Wolf barks again and starts backing up.

  “Whoa! Keep your red rocket in its socket, Wolf, there’s nothing to get fickin’ worked up about!”

  To prove his point, Hiccup hops down from the immiNPC canine and waddles out into the main path.

  “See? Yooooooy!”

  Hiccup’s shout disappears as the ground gives way beneath him. The rest of the Mitherfickers hear a sickening splat followed by Hiccup’s cursing as he hits the bottom of the hole.

  “Yoy …yoy…fick me!”

  “It’s a trap!” FeeTwix shouts, his eyes black as ever. “I know, guys, I know,” he tells his fans. “I’ll try again. ‘It’s a trap!’ Copyright DisNike. Better? Don’t want any lawsuits.” A Gatling gun with a hand crank forms in FeeTwix’s hand and he starts cranking it up. “Hang on, Hiccup! We’re going to clear the area!”

  “Don’t fickin’ clear the area!” Hiccup shouts up from the bottom of the hole. “What’s the cranking sound? Fick! There could be ghosts in this hole. Ever heard of hole ghosts? Ha! I know a hole ghost joke about a brothel that burned down in the Red Lamp District, but that’s a joke for another day. Fick! What just touched me?”

  “Thank me later,” Zaena says, clearly not happy to use her ghost limbs to lift the goblin out of the hole.

  Enway turns left, a sphere of magic forming at her wrist. Ryuk keeps his eyes on their three o’clock, his Marble Gun aimed at the dark forest.

  “Give me something to shoot at,” FeeTwix says, biting his lip as he keeps the muzzle of his steampunk gun aimed to the left. “Come on…”

  Zaena drops Hiccup onto the ground and the goblin cushions his landing with a spicy concussive blast from his nethercheeks.

  “Goblin!”

  “Fick you, Liz. What did you expect when you lift my ass out of a hole and drop me on the ground? The air has to go somewhere.”

  Enway’s nose scrunches up. “Ewww…”

  “Sorry,” Ryuk says, suppressing the urge to bow on Hiccup’s behalf.

  “Stop farting, Hiccup, and get your ass ready!” FeeTwix shouts, the partial Reape
r skull over his face. “Bugbears. Nine o’clock!”

  (0)__(0)

  Three bugbears step out of the shadows, ugly fuckers with odd patches of hair on their loinclothed bodies and big, bloodshot eyes under bushy eyebrows. If Deliverance were set in a Proxima fantasy world, these three would be offered starring roles.

  Shit, Ryuk thinks as the two level twenty bugbears brandish clubs made of Sabor Mammoth bone. The third, a level thirty bugbear, goes for a blade made of polished ivory nearly the size of a buster sword. Armor crafted from rib cages, skulls, and various dragon parts form on their bodies as the one with the sword steps forward.

  “Fick! Bugbears,” Hiccup says, pushing to the front of the group. “Just follow my lead, Mitherfickers. While I don’t care to admit it too often, bugbears are actually distant cousins of goblins.”

  “This better be good,” Zaena tells him.

  “Fellas! I’m going to go ahead and guess it was you fickers who set the trap back there.” Hiccup nods at the three, impressed. “But a little sage advice from a goblin with a penchant for being right and a 154-year track record to back it up: if you are going to set a hole-in-the-ground trap, then put some fickin’ spikes down there. Shit. Look at your bone weapons. I’m guessing there are plenty more where those came from. All I’m saying here is to put a few of those fickers in the hole next time. I would have been skewered as fick, if you get my drift.”

  Ryuk looks at Enway, anger furrowing his brow.

  “Why is he giving them advice?” asks Enway.

  “I don’t know, but this ends now.” Ryuk lifts his Marble Gun and fires four explosive marbles over Hiccup’s head.

  -215 HP! -173 HP! -115 HP!

  New skill learned!

  Skill: Preemptive Strike

  Level One: Distract your enemies, or have your guildmates distract them and receive a fifteen percent bonus on your attack.

  Requirements: Level 18 Mage, LUCK > 20.

  “Premature ejaculation, Marbles!” Hiccup shouts, jumping sideways to avoid any bits of bone from the bugbear’s armor.

  Click, CLANK, click, CLANK, click, CLANK!

  FeeTwix’s hand-crank Gatling gun makes its presence known.

  His feed being broadcast to all his fans, FeeTwix laughs as he cranks the weapon and more bullets tear into the bugbears, two of whom dive left as the biggest and most badass bugbear takes the brunt of FeeTwix’s bullets.

  Zaena goes to engage the first bugbear. He swipes his femur club at her, and she just barely manages to stop it with her blades.

  Baring her teeth, Zaena’s ghost limbs fly over her, blades twisting in the air. The bugbear goes to block them, only to pause briefly as the swords go over him.

  She comes up and over, crying out as she lands behind the creature and swipes her swords at his back.

  -149 HP! Critical hit!

  “Roarrrrrr!”

  The bugbear stumbles forward; Zaena pulls her ghost limb blades from the ground and gets in a battle-ready position, one leg before the other.

  Whooosh!

  Her opponent is tossed forward by a white blast from Enway.

  Zaena’s reaction is immediate. The Thulean warrior princess twists; the bugbear’s head goes flying, purple blood spraying out the other end.

  Instakill!

  The other bugbear with a clubbing bone tries to hit Hiccup, who scoots by on Wolf and barely dodges the blow.

  “Fick you!” the goblin cries as he goes back around for another swipe.

  With limited combat room, Wolf is hitting all sorts of stops and pivots to keep the bugbear at bay. Meanwhile, FeeTwix has a Terry Funk barbed wire wrapped baseball bat, which he uses to engage the largest bugbear.

  It doesn’t make the greatest weapon, but FeeTwix, as always, is going for style over practicality.

  The big bugbear swings his bone buster sword at the Swede.

  FeeTwix steps out of the way just in time, and is about to bring his barbed baseball bat onto the back of the big fucker’s head, when the bugbear taps him in the chin with an elbow.

  “Shit!” Ryuk aims his Marble Gun at the bugbear just as FeeTwix flies backwards, hits the ground, and tumbles.

  -49 HP!

  Without the boost from his preemptive strike, Ryuk’s black marble does considerably less damage than before. It does stop the bugbear’s advance, giving FeeTwix the time he needs to roll out of the way.

  “Fick! Fick!” Hiccup shouts, running towards Ryuk.

  Enway points, and Ryuk sees what has got the goblin so worked up.

  The other bugbear has equipped a bag of bees and is in the process of letting them go on the battlefield.

  (0)__(x)

  “I’ve got this!” An industrial sized can of Raid flying insect killer materializes in FeeTwix’s hand. He takes aim at the oncoming swarm and lets them have it.

  “Fick yeah, Twixy, give those fickers the money shot!”

  He keeps laying down a thick stream of foam as he shouts, “That’s not what that’s called!”

  Enway looks to Ryuk, who is tracking the biggest bugbear with his Marble Gun. The bugbear leader has taken a step back, still recovering from Ryuk’s last attack.

  After the bees are handled, a poll appears before the trigger-happy Swede.

  “Really guys? You went with the pinecone? And over an R. Moore signature pedo-pistol? It’s so small, antiquated, and pathetic! Roll tide, bitches! And what’s wrong with Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2x4? Fine, pinecone it is.”

  The pinecone appears in FeeTwix’s hand, and Ryuk immediately sees that there is more to this pinecone than meets the eye.

  “Konoshlo duka duchaka!” Zaena cartwheels over to the second bug bear and moves into a four-blade attack that comes coupled with a Thulean battle cry.

  “Fick, Liz, save the orgasm for Twixy, ha!” Hiccup pats Wolf’s head. “Get ready, boy, we’re about do us some fickin’ killing.”

  A message flashes on Ryuk’s vision pane.

  FeeTwix: Okay, distract the big fucker and I’ll deliver the package.

  Ryuk: The pinecone?

  FeeTwix: Not just any pinecone, this is a pinecone IED from Unigaea! Enway gave it to me. Thanks, Enway.

  Enway: No problem!

  Ryuk: An IED?

  FeeTwix: Improvised Explosive Device!

  Hiccup: I don’t remember Elfy giving you shit. Why the fick didn’t I get a gift? It’s close to Valentine’s Day, right? Or has that already passed?

  Enway: I’m having a churro made especially for you. It’s shaped like a heart.

  Hiccup: Fick, Elfy, what part of no fake news on the chat screen do you fail to understand? Speaking of alternative facts: anyone ever thought about how it’s fickin’ odd that I, an NPC goblin, can communicate this way? I mean, sure, you guys are logged in, fick-faced commoners and whatnot, but no one ever says anything about how weird it is for NPCs to send messages on vision panes. Princess Velociraptor included.

  Zaena: Stop talking, goblin, you’re distracting me!

  Hiccup: Just saying, Lizzy. It’s like one of the Proxima developers didn’t really think this one through. Too much chalupa, probably. I’ll bet video game developers in your world get all the lady choop. Probably high-quality guys too, who are clearly not overweight and who practice good hygiene. Definitely not losers.

  Ryuk: Shut up, Hiccup!

  -184 HP!

  “No!” Zaena cries as she’s struck in the gut by the second bugbear.

  “Fick!” Hiccup launches into overdrive, concern splashed across his face. “I’ve got Liz, you three fickers kill that other ficker!” Twisting around a branch jutting out of the ground, Hiccup goes to Zaena’s rescue.

  Wolf’s fast, fast enough that the hefty goblin reaches Zaena before the bugbear can hit her again. “If anyone is killing her, it’s me!” the goblin says as he launches off Wolf onto the bugbear.

  “Yooooy!”

  The monster easily tosses the gassy goblin off his shoulders and Hiccup flies into a tree, the sou
nd of his snapping back barely muffled by the dense forest.

  The bugbear leader looks at FeeTwix and then at Ryuk and Enway.

  “Distraction, Ryuk!”

  FeeTwix floats like a butterfly to sting like a bee as he goes from foot to foot, pinecone in hand as he sizes the biggest bugbear up. The fantasy monstrosity roars, spit flying from its mouth.

  “Now!” A lighter in his left hand, the crazy ass Swede lights the end of the pinecone and backpedals for a moment as Ryuk lines up his shot.

  Four shots later and the ground before the bugbear explodes into dust.

  “Catch, mitherficker!” FeeTwix baseball-slides to the right of the bugbear, the pinecone making a perfect arc in the air.

  The pinecone explodes in the bugbear’s hands, sending his arms flying and spritzing the air with blood.

  “Fick yeah, Twixy,” Hiccup wheezes as the now armless bugbear stumbles away.

  “Get behind me,” Ryuk says as the only bugbear with arms left stomps over to Enway.

  Ryuk can see Zaena behind the creature, on the ground and holding her side.

  FeeTwix is focused on the bugbear trying to get away, and Ryuk has no idea where Wolf ran off to.

  “Get behind me, Enway!” he shouts.

  A hand pushes Ryuk to the side and he turns just in time to see the high elf floating towards the bugbear, white magic radiating off her hands.

  A glowing cloud of ivory white needles forms around Enway’s body. With a flick of both of her wrists, she fires the luminescent points at the bugbear.

  They connect, and the bugbear pauses dead in his tracks.

  “Fick you, you fickered fickbag!” Hiccup, seemingly out of nowhere, latches onto the bugbear’s legs.

  He bites and claws the temporarily frozen bugbear, growling as he does so.

  -8 HP! - 6 HP! -7 HP! -5 HP! -30 HP! -9 HP!

  Enway’s freezing spell only lasts about twenty seconds, and as the bugbear regains movement, Wolf leaps up and grabs the monster’s jugular, his body mass causing the creature to stumble backwards over Hiccup.

  Instakill!

  Wolf snarls as he continues to rip into the bugbear’s throat.