What strikes Kodai as odd is how attached he feels to Tesla, that he actually cares for her, that he may even love her, and more frighteningly, the fact that he doesn’t know why he feels this way.
“Just enjoy.” She drops her hands to his shoulders, so she can work even harder. “Don’t think so much about it,” she says, breathing hard. “And regarding your brother, and the others, we’ll get to them after this.” She grins as she thrusts her body harder into his.
“This is fucking wonderful.”
“It is, Kodai, it is.”
.16. Pastries and a Side Quest
FeeTwix and Ryuk spawn on an airship just as it is dropping into Waringtla. The sudden change in gravity, even though they’ve theoretically just traveled from the real world to algorithmic dream world, is something that definitely causes Ryuk’s stomach to turn.
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 26 Ballistics Mage
HP: 1030/1030
ATK: 150
MATK: 198
DEF: 113
MDF: 85
LUCK: 24
FeeTwix Fajer Level 27 Berserker Mystic
HP: 1311/1311
ATK: 209
MATK: 37
DEF: 113
MDF: 68
LUCK: 28
Hiccup Level 25 Shield Thief
HP: 1690/1690
ATK: 133
MATK: 17
DEF: 299
MDF: 152
LUCK: 39
Zaena Morozon Level 27 Brawler Assassin
HP: 1334/1334
ATK: 264
MATK: 10
DEF: 233
MDF: 53
LUCK: 27
Enway Zoltan Rosa Level 26 Hourglass Mage
HP: 1005/1005
MANA: 571/571
ATK: 82
MATK: 177
DEF: 69
MDF: 183
LUCK: 24
Wolf Level 40
HP: 2402/2402
ATK: 699
MATK: 0
DEF: 534
MDF: 241
LUCK: 19
Still feeling a bit of nausea, Ryuk places his hand on his belly and turns away from Hiccup, who sits at the small table across from Zaena. Red-eyed Enway in her sexy-ish monk robes sits on the ground, her Book of Time open across her lap. Wolf lies next to her, sleeping lightly.
Enway looks up at Ryuk and smiles. “How was it up there?”
“Good.”
She laughs.
“Marbles isn’t one for words, Elfie. There’s a word in Jatla for a quiet ficker like him, but I’m not going to say it here,” says the cranky goblin.
“Hi to you too, Hiccup.” Ryuk flashes him a not so subtle middle finger, which Hiccup ignores, so focused is he on shifting through a set of scrolls on the table before him.
“What? You want a hug or something? Goblins don’t hug, Marbles, and even if I did want a hug, which I don’t. Twixy! No! Bad Swede! Do not…!”
FeeTwix tackles Hiccup with a hug, taking him out of the chair. Using her ghost limbs, Zaena stops them from completely toppling the table over.
“Hands off, you vile kiddy ficker!”
“What’s this you got here…” FeeTwix starts rifling through the scrolls on the table in front of Hiccup.
“That’s personal!”
Zaena laughs. “The goblin is trying to design a guild logo for a future tattoo. All he can come up with is two flying skulls surrounding a sword.”
“Ah,” FeeTwix says, holding the picture in question. “The old skulls deepthroating a sword logo, eh?”
“Fick! An artist shouldn’t be judged until, until, he’s finished his masterpieces. I’m still working on the fickin’ design, Twixy,” Hiccup says, scooping the scrolls into his arms.
“Relax, Hiccup, my fans have already copied your design and made it better.”
“The fick you just say? They have?”
An image flashes in front of FeeTwix and Hiccup looks it over for a moment.
“Fick me, that’s actually not too bad, Twixster, but I’d make the sword veinier.”
“Swords don’t have veins, Hiccup. If you add veins, it will look like a chalupa, as you put it.”
The ground shakes and the image FeeTwix is showing Hiccup disappears.
“Good, we’ve landed. About fickin’ time too. So sick of being judged for my art. But you guys liked it, right?” Hiccup asks, his eyes softening. “Been working on it for a while now. An artist needs the proper tools to create, but all the fickin’ Mexican elf could conjure up were some crayons. Forgot to mention that. What do you guys think?”
“We fickin’ love it, Hiccup!” FeeTwix says, his eyes solid black.
“It is goblin art,” says Zaena.
“Um, thanks? Marbles?”
“It’s fine.”
“Marbles.” The goblin curls his mechanical hand. “Fick, I hate you, even though I think of you kind of like a son. This guy couldn’t tell Monet from Manet. Am I right, people? Elfie?”
“I agree with Zaena.”
Hiccup throws his hands into the air. “Is this about the extreme vetting? Because if it is, listen, kid, we can’t keep letting people into our guild, especially people from certain countries that practice certain religions. I mean other people, people that believe what I believe, like Wolf over there and Oric, we can relax restrictions on them. But you.”
“I’m from Mexico.”
“When I hear Mexico I think bad hombres, and I don’t even know what that means. Any-fickin’-hoo, never agree with Liz. Remember, she’s royalty, the one percent of the one percent. She wipes her starfish with caviar, if you get my drift. She’ll never think like us.”
Liz approaches Hiccup, her hand on the hilt of her sword. “You know, goblin.”
“Fick, Liz, if you’re going to do it, fickin’ do it! I was born ready to die, and I’d consider it an honor to be killed by Thulean royalty, especially a pretty Thulean such as yourself. FeeTwix told you how beautiful you are today, right? Tall, slender, strong, sexy fine facial features, powerful orange eyes, slick orange hair, soft lips, extra delicate hands. If you were my main squeeze, I’d tell you how hot you were every day of the fickin’ week.”
Ryuk glances over to FeeTwix, whose look is indecipherable. From there he looks to Enway, who seems to be trying to contain laughter.
The goblin and the Thulean hold each other’s gaze for a moment, and as usual, Zaena ends up looking away. “The logo is fine,” she says as she turns to the door. “Make the sword sharper, and no veins. Thanks for the compliment. Your pink hair is better than having no hair.”
“Fick yes, it is. And they say flattery won’t get you anywhere. Listen up, Mitherfickers.” Wolf howls, startling the four of them. Hiccup quickly recovers. “That’s right, Wolfy, we’ve got a logo!”
(0)__(0)
Lothar’s Occult Bakery and Athenaeum is relatively easy to find, especially as the airship drop off point is only a few blocks away. It is very early morning, and the streets of Waringtla are empty. About the only person the Mitherfickers pass is a drunk giant, snoring with the right side of his face pressed into the pavement.
“I’d loot him if he weren’t so big,” Hiccup says. “Never looted a giant before.”
“You think it’s too early?” Enway asks as they stop in front of the commoner-sized door, which is cut into the giant door.
“I can smell pastries,” says Ryuk.
“Oh, that’s right, bakers get up early to start their day’s work.”
“Yep, and even if he wasn’t awake, we got fickin’ places to go and people to see. So we’d wake him.”
“Rude,” says Zaena, “but I agree with the goblin.”
“The goblin who has a name, but you know what? You complimented my topknot back in the airship, so I’m going to let this one slide. Now. Let’s get in there.”
FeeTwix is the first to go through the door. He finds Lothar’s wife, Gadsaa, arranging scones behind the counter.
“We aren’t open yet– oh, it’s you all. Lothar, honey, you have visitors!”
Lothar comes out of the swinging backroom door, his apron covered in flour. His red hair is a mess and there’s even some flour on his oval glasses. “You’ve already gotten the runestones?” he asks as he wipes his hands on his apron.
“Yep, and that shit wasn’t fickin’ easy,” the goblin says. “First, we had to kill your friend, Fafner, or whatever his name was.”
Gadsaa looks to Lothar. “They did what?”
“Never mind, dear.”
“And then we had to fight this crazyass goblin bitch with a bunch of golden rings that we had to cut off one at a time.” Hiccup shudders. “The last one was the worse; I had to get up in it, if you get my drift, and seriously, Big Guy, I will never be the same after that. The therapist bills alone.”
“That’s great!” Lothar claps his hands together and the air fills with flour. “Let’s get upstairs and I will tell you about the final runestone.”
“Honey, we open in two hours.”
“I can help,” Zaena offers. “My konoshlo should be of some use.”
Gadsaa and Lothar exchange glances.
“Thulean royalty shouldn’t have to help in the kitchen,” Lothar’s wife finally says.
“Fick yeah she should, and another thing, don’t forget that we, as in at least one of you Mitherfickers and me, have a little side quest we need to take after this. Og Lemon is in town. I want my revenge.”
“Revenge?” Lothar asks. “Did you say Og Lemon, the famous orclin chef?”
“Long story, and yes, that’s the ficker I’ve got beef with. Let’s just hear about the runestone and we’ll be on our way. Liz, you staying or going?”
“I’ll stay and help.”
“You really don’t have to, princess,” Gadsaa says.
“It’s fine.”
“I promised everyone pastries,” Lothar smiles, “and I just so happened to take the commoner sized batch out of the oven already today. I’ll meet you four – five, you too, Wolf – in my library.”
Wolf barks, a look of excitement plastered across his face. He has clearly eaten giant pastries before, evident in the way he beats his tail. FeeTwix leads the group up the stairs, and as they did before, they take a seat on the carpet in front of Lothar’s big chair.
Ryuk again notices the golden scepter on the wall, cast behind a pane of glass. Something tells him that he wouldn’t be able to get to the item just by breaking the glass.
“I meant to ask you last time,” he tells Enway, who sits next to him, “but have you ever seen anything like that?”
“I was wondering about that myself,” she says.
“My fans don’t seem to recognize it either,” says FeeTwix.
“It’s a beating stick. Plain and fickin’ simple. Just hold it by the bottom and beat someone across the head with the ruby side. That, or take the ruby off and pawn that shit. You guys know rubies are worth good money here in Tritania, right? Especially Polynya. Take that shit to New Gotha and…”
They hear a giant footstep behind them and feel the vibration on the floor.
“Ah,” Lothar says, a tray in his hand. “You were discussing the First Artifact. A fine piece, isn’t it?”
“What does it do?” Enway asks.
“Did it do, would be more appropriate. It lies dormant at the moment. As to what it did,” he smiles fondly, “that’s a story for another day.”
As soon as Lothar has set the platter on the ground, Hiccup goes for a croissant and stuffs it in his mouth. “Fick, that’s fickin’ good. Got any lemon pepper sauce I can fickin’ add to it? Fick. Okay, that’s right. Look, Giant, if you can keep your explanation,” Hiccup swallows, “to under thirty seconds, I’d love to hear about your beating stick.”
“That is a scepter, not a beating stick, and it is called the First Artifact. Long story incredibly short, it was the item used to bring Unigaeans to Tritania.”
“The Max Exodus?” Zaena asks, a cream-covered pastry floating in front of her. She takes a small nibble of it and sighs. “It is wonderful.”
“The Max Exodus,” Lothar says, “that’s what people here call it. That item was the first item created by the NVA Seed of Unigaea. Her name was the Obelisk. Oric, your guildmate, used it to bring people here, but only after it had been activated by a spell from the woman who also held the Book of Time. Sam Raid. I’m sure you’ve seen her name in the book.”
Enway nods.
“So that’s the simplest explanation. A more scientific explanation is that it is an advanced algo weapon, but you want the short one, and I give you the short one.”
“I am the short one!” Hiccup laughs, crumbs flying from his mouth.
“Now, about the final runestone. The final runestone is located in the Sabors, which I’ve told you before. It is heavily guarded by Skadi’s minions.”
“Skadi?” FeeTwix takes a bite of a scone glazed in orange icing. “Why does that sound familiar?”
“You are from a former Norse region of your world, are you not?”
“Sweden.”
“Skadi is a Norse mountain goddess. She has protected the runestone since it came to this world. The other two that you possess have changed hands. Not the third and final stone.”
“How did the runestones come here?” Enway is the only one who hasn’t eaten anything.
“Please, eat, the pastries will give you a boost in willpower.” Lothar laughs. “At least that’s what I always tell people. To answer your question, the runestones came here from Unigaea. They were some of the items smuggled by a pair of gnomes.”
“Fickin’ Unigaean gnomes.”
“One of the many things that made Unigaea different from Tritania was the quests and some of the items available. The items that were found, and I believe there were a good many items and quests that died with that world, were brought here. These items now make up some of the most powerful items in Tritania. I suppose you could call these a benefit of the Max Exodus.”
“Fake news,” Hiccup coughs into his hand, which causes him to choke on the pastry in his mouth. The goblin beats his chest, coughs until his face is red, and finally spits out a garbled hunk of pastry into his lap. “Fick!” He clears his throat and flicks the garbled bit of pastry away. Wolf greedily eats it. “Ha! My leftovers.”
Ryuk shakes his head. The urge to apologize for Hiccup’s behavior rises in his chest, but Lothar doesn’t seem to give two flying fucks about how nasty the goblin can be.
Once the commotion has settled, the giant continues his explanation: “You won’t be able to defeat Skadi using traditional methods. You’ll have to think creatively. Please proceed with caution.”
“What happens when we get the third runestone?” Enway asks.
“That I do not know. No one, aside from the gnomes – husband and wife, I believe – ever had the runestones together at the same time.”
“Any idea why they got rid of the runestones?” asks FeeTwix as he chews another bite of scone.
“I believe they sold them, separately, because they needed money. Their Unigaean money, known as lira, was no good here. All they had were the items they carried on their person.” Lothar stands. “I have to get back to my own wife because we’ll be opening soon. There is an airship leaving for the Sabors in three hours. You can relax here in the meantime, if you’d like.”
“Three hours? That should be enough time,” Hiccup says as he gets to his feet. “Okay, so who is going with me?”
FeeTwix finishes his scone and licks his fingers. “So good! Hiccup, as much as I’d like to help you get revenge, I’m going to visit Dirty Dave’s place again and see if I can’t use his shooting range.”
“That’s not a bad idea, actually.”
“Nope, Marbles, you’re coming with me.”
“Really, Hiccup?”
“It’s a side quest. Hell, you may get levels here, and believe you me, you need to level up. Elfie, you in?”
“I will port back to Kayi to check on Oric and Yangu.”
“Snowballs.”
That’s right, Ryuk thinks, we can instantly travel to any location if a guildmate is already there.
Since the Mitherfickers had formed, they’d usually been together. But they could have ported rather than take an airship the last time they went to Kayi. Ryuk frowns. He’s the only one that would have known this, so that wasted time was definitely his fault.
“Wolfy?”
Wolf, who now stands on the platter eating what’s left of the pastries, falls to his side, his stomach distended.
“Fick, Wolfy, you ate your fickin’ weight in pastries. Fine, fine. Whatever. It looks like it is you and me, Marbles. Probably Liz too.”
“You three should join me back in Kayi if there is still time after you’ve, um, gotten your revenge,” Enway says. “I’m sure you’d like to check on Yangu.”
“How long do you think this revenge will take, Hiccup?” asks Ryuk.
The goblin considers this for a moment. “Well, one can’t really put a timeframe on revenge, but I’d say, especially if we hurry, it won’t take more than an hour.”
Ryuk nods. “Then it’s settled. FeeTwix, enjoy your shooting. Enway, we’ll meet you in Kayi. Hiccup, let’s grab Zaena and, I can’t believe I’m saying this, let’s get revenge.”
Hiccup lifts his mechanical hand to his ear. “Everyone hear that? Marbles’ marbles just dropped!”
.17. Lubed Up Sabotage
“Okay, here’s the deal.” Hiccup scratches his ass a few seconds longer than necessary. “You know, I may hate Twixy for giving me this mechanical hand,” he says as he places his ass-scratching hand into his nose to dig around for a second, “but fick, can it scratch. Good at scratching your brain too. Where was I? Fick? Marbles, help me here.”
Ryuk is in a back alley behind a fancy restaurant. Zaena is next to him, a disapproving look on her face, and Hiccup stands before them, his finger still in his nose.
“There it is.” He flicks a booger at Ryuk and continues. “Sorry, better to go in ready to kick some ass.”
Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh Page 18