by Claire Raye
I bury that part though, the internal pain that never seems to stop, no matter how far I run or how much I try to forget.
Doesn’t matter how much ink I get either; nothing is ever going to hide these scars I bear.
I don’t deserve to hide them anyway, not after everything.
Chapter One
Present Day
Mila
Well, I’ve been living here for about a week now, but I have to say it doesn’t feel any different than when I was up north. Still living with Charlie, still in a tiny room, still going to school and still trying to avoid life.
“Did you skip class again?” Charlie asks, a little judgmentally with her hands on her hips as she stands in the doorway to our apartment, coming in from her last class.
“Listen, the first day is always stupid. It’s like going over the syllabus and shit and I know how to read,” I respond, rolling my eyes at her overachieving attitude. “It’s only Tuesday. I’ll go on Thursday,” I add, suddenly feeling the need to defend myself.
“Whatever,” she quips, the door now closing behind her. “Guess who I saw today?” The inflection in her voice rises as she nears the end of her question.
Of course I know who she saw today because we only know like five people here and all but one of them are basically my family. She’s talking about Adam. Adam Cooper with the hot Australian accent, a panty-dropping smile and the eyes of the devil. That boy. He’s far more trouble than I need, but he’s all the trouble I want.
She doesn’t need to know this though.
“Do I really have to guess?” I ask, playing it coy as if my interest in him is nonexistent. I’m sure she can see right through my nonchalant act, but I don’t care.
“It was Adam,” she chirps out with giddy excitement, flopping down next to me on the couch. “Are you avoiding him? He’s down by the pool right now, Mila and he’s fucking shirtless. Shirtless!” she screeches, her tiny hand and perfectly polished nails closing around my arm, giving it a shake.
“Why don’t you go for a swim then? You seem to be far more interested than I am,” I tell her, again with the breezy comment that I know isn’t fooling her. “Put on that white bikini and flaunt your tiny ass down there.”
“He doesn’t want to see my ass in a bikini, Mila,” she says, pursing her lips and shaking her head, her blonde hair floating around her face.
“He’s a fuck boy, Charlie. We both know that. Just look at him. He has no interest in anything more than getting me, or you for that matter, into bed and then bailing.”
She lets out an annoyed huff as she pushes off the couch and walks over to the window. She dramatically throws herself against the glass, letting out a loud moan as she looks back over at me with her mouth formed into a perfect o-shape.
“Fine,” I hiss, joining her at the window, both of us stalkerishly watching Adam as he pulls his amazing body from the water.
“Holy shit,” we mutter in unison causing both of us to burst out laughing. The water glistens on his tanned skin, showing off his muscular arms and the definition in his abs, his tattoos are all darkened and almost magnified.
Why does he look like this?
Who is testing me right now? Who thinks that any sane woman can avoid all of what is sitting in front of Charlie and me right now? Obviously the two of us are putty in his goddamn hands, but nope. I need to hold the power in this situation, and I won’t let him convince me he’s a fucking god. No good comes of that. Ever.
“I think I want to put on my suit and go for a swim. How about you?” Charlie asks, the question posed more as a prompt than anything. She’s easily swayed by a hot guy, but she’s good at this game too. She knows better than to jump in head-first and she also knows that despite me claiming not to be interested, I am.
We share a secret, something neither of us will ever tell. It’s how we ended up in Hawthorn, it’s why she knows not to go for Adam, and it’s also the reason why I haven’t gone after him. I just keep waiting for a moment when things feel normal again.
“So?” Charlie urges, pushing me to finally just give in.
“Yeah, let’s go down there and sit by the pool.”
“Yes!” she calls out, tossing a fist in the air. I have no idea what she’s so excited about. I get that he’s got a hot body and he’s definitely some good eye candy and that accent is pretty amazing, but she’s getting nothing else out of it.
“What are you so excited about?” I question, hitting her with a pensive stare.
“Come on, Mila. I’m sure he has some hot friends, and I don’t know anyone here except your sister and Caleb. It’s a little boring. And you might want to consider giving him a chance. You can’t keep stringing guys along and expect your Prince Charming to fall into your lap.”
“Stringing guys along?” I bite back, questioning her description. It feels like a low blow.
“Sorry, that was shitty of me. I didn’t mean it like it’s a bad thing. I just figure it might be nice to have someone...” Charlie falls short of finishing her thought, pushing out her bottom lip. “I’m sorry,” she repeats.
I nod my head not wanting her to feel guilty. She’s an amazing friend and I know what she said wasn’t meant to insult the way my life has been going for the last few months. I guess we all cope in different ways, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
“Go put on your suit,” I say, letting what she said fall away. “Let’s see if we can mooch a few beers off Adam.” I say it because it sounds normal. It feels like what the old Mila would’ve said, the one whose life isn’t a complete disaster.
“I’m pretty sure you can get whatever you want out of Adam,” Charlie calls as she prances off to her bedroom to change.
I walk into my room, and while our apartment is small, we each have our own bedroom, sharing just a bathroom between us. It’s better than the dorm we vacated a few months ago and we traded in the cool weather of northern California for the sunny warmth just a few hours south. But the change in scenery hasn’t changed everything I hoped it would.
I pull off my dress and stand in front of the mirror, looking myself over. It’s a pretty package, but it’s a little damaged on the inside. I often wonder if people see it in my eyes, if they can see it in the way I carry myself. Like it’s written on every inch of my skin.
I rub my hands over my face, shaking off the thoughts that have clouded my head for too long. Time heals all wounds, right?
Ten minutes later, Charlie and I are walking down to the pool, a strange sense of urgency running through me and I find Charlie giggling next to me.
“What are you laughing at?” I whisper-shout right before we reach the gate to the pool.
“You’re nervous. You’re never nervous,” she shoots back, reaching up to open the gate. “I get it, though. He’s crazy hot and much older and it feels a little, I don’t know, forbidden.”
“Oh my god, Charlie. You make me sound like fucking Lolita.”
“Will you call him daddy?” she jokes back, her eyebrows going up a little as she wets her lips seductively.
“No!” I practically shout, slapping her on the arm. “That’s fucking weird.”
“It is, isn’t it? I never really understood the appeal of calling a guy you’re sleeping with by that name. It’s gross.”
We walk through the gate deep in conversation about why anyone would use that term to refer to their older boyfriend when Adam calls my name. And I hate how effortlessly it falls from his lips, how perfect it sounds coming from him.
“Yes?” I respond, acting like I had no idea he was here or that I hadn’t been watching him from the window of my apartment for the last thirty minutes.
I pull the dress off that I have on over my bikini and toss it onto one of the lounge chairs and Charlie does the same. Both of us sliding back onto the chairs as Adam walks over toward us.
“How you going?” he asks, and I laugh out loud at the look on Charli
e’s face. I haven’t been around Adam a ton, but I’m quickly learning to decipher his Aussie lingo.
“We aren’t going anywhere,” she replies, a little bit of a confused snip to her tone.
“He’s asking us how we’re doing,” I clarify for her, giving Adam a playful wink.
“We’re doing fine. We were just discussing how strange it is that women who are dating older men will call the guy “daddy” as a term of endearment. Like it’s supposed to be all hot or whatever,” Charlie says, this conversation taking a turn for the awkward suddenly. But I shouldn’t be surprised because Charlie has no filter.
It’s what created an instant friendship between us when we met back in high school. We met at cross country practice our freshman year and she was not shy at all about outrunning some cocky boy who said a girl could never beat him. He was dead wrong, and Charlie never let him live it down.
She went on to epically roast another kid who stood her up as her date for the homecoming dance by hanging a sign on her car for a month telling everyone at school what a prick he was.
She’s a don’t-fuck-with-me kind of girl and I love it. It’s why we are now roommates too. There’s no one else I’d rather live with than her, and she made it so I didn’t have to live with my sister Ruby.
Adam sits down on the end of my lounge chair, his hand resting dangerously close to my thigh as he leans toward me. It’s a pity we didn’t make it down here sooner because he’s now wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, covering up his drool-worthy body and even sexier sleeves of tattoos. I’ve been dying to see the whole package up close, but I’m out of luck today.
“For real?” he asks, his face scrunched up a little. “Sounds like something out of a porno.”
“I think it’s more that women want the guy to think they’re submissive to their masculinity or whatever, but I still think it’s fucking weird. I can’t hear the name daddy and not picture my dad’s face,” I say, shuddering a little.
“Something tells me you aren’t submissive to anyone,” Adam says, and I hate the seductive tone in his voice. I find myself squirming at his words and looking over at Charlie as she waits for me to say something equally witty back to him. I’m torn, but the old Mila would definitely shoot back.
“Nope and to take it a step further, doing something like this renders grown women child-like rather than allowing them to own their own sexuality in a relationship. What does it say about our society if we fetishize helplessness and submitting to someone else's will?”
Charlie is looking over at me with her mouth open just slightly, her eyes wide and when she lets out a small chuckle, Adam turns to look at her too.
“I imagine you’re a handful, Mila,” he now says, his hand squeezing my bare foot and I look down at where our bodies are connected, feeling a surge of warmth race up my leg.
“Oh, but she’s worth it,” Charlie states, jumping in and saving me from the silence I’m currently struggling with.
“I’m sure she is.” He now winks at me, and this playful thing we’ve got going on isn’t going to last much longer because I really want to strip off his clothes and trace his tattoos with my tongue. But no, that feels all wrong. I need to get my crazy ass under control.
“What are you up to tonight, Adam?” I ask, trying to keep the breathlessness I’m feeling out of my words. “You working?”
“I am and I’d love to see you in there, but obviously minus the alcohol because, you know, you’re underage.” His grip on my foot tightens not letting me forget that he has yet to move his hand.
“Well, then how about I come by your place after you get off work instead?” I ask, leaving it wide open for him to decline and a part of me hopes he will. I shouldn’t be offering things like this. I know what it leads to and that’s the last thing I need.
“Only if you’ll call me daddy,” Adam now says, a cheeky smile on his face. He’s a total shithead, but I love it.
“Not a fucking chance.”
Chapter Two
Adam
“So, how’s it going being neighbors with Mila?”
I glance up to where Caleb is sitting at the end of the bar, a pen in his hand as he goes through some invoices for the orders we just took delivery of.
“It’s fine,” I reply, stacking the beer fridge behind the bar.
“Have you seen much of her?”
I look back at him, but he’s either distracted by his paperwork or doing a good job pretending to be. “I mean, not a lot, no,” I reply, leaning back against the glass doors. “Saw her this arvo, but that was probably the second or third time since she moved in.”
I did a lot more than just see her this afternoon. Fuck, I practically ogled her in that tiny bikini she was wearing when she and her housemate decided to wander down to the pool. I have no idea if she knew I was down there already, my guess is yes, given their apartment overlooks the pool area, but that doesn’t mean I should read too much into it.
Just like I should not be thinking about how the idea of her wanting to hang out with me makes me feel good either.
“Why’s that?” I now ask him, trying to block the memory of her on that sun lounge, my hand on her foot as I stupidly flirted with her.
Caleb looks up and smiles, shaking his head a little. “Just wondering, that’s all,” he replies, before turning back to his paperwork.
“You worried about her?” I ask, even though the real question I want to ask is if he’s worried about me living so close to her.
He looks up again, tapping the pen against the papers. “No, I’m not. I mean, I think Ruby’s wondering why she moved down here. She’s kinda worried about Mila in that way, I guess.”
“Really, she didn’t say?”
“No,” he says with a shrug. “She’s never actually explained why she left school up in Tahoe to move here. Then she showed up earlier than expected but won’t say why. Ruby has tried asking her, but apparently she kinda glosses over it.” He throws his pen down, leaning back on his bar stool to stretch his arms over his head. “I don’t know, man. I probably don’t know all the details.”
I laugh. “A chick thing?”
Caleb smirks. “Maybe, yeah. But I’ve kinda been busy with this place and all that other shit too, so you know.”
I nod, remembering all the crap he went through with Ruby’s professor, who turned out to be a dirty fucking perv and a stalker. Thankfully all of that shit got resolved, but not without taking its toll on Caleb. I still don’t know all the details, but I know he looked like he went to hell and back while he was going through it.
I should know; it’s something I’m all too familiar with.
Unlike me though, he seems to be landing on his feet now, getting together with Ruby, buying this bar and doing a lot better in general. I was kind of surprised when he and his sister and her boyfriend bought the place off the old owner. Fuck knows where they got the money to do it, but I don’t ask too many questions about it. I mean it’s none of my business and I’m just happy he kept me on the payroll.
“You want me to see if I can suss anything out?” I ask, knowing this is possibly the dumbest thing I can suggest. I’ve got no place sticking my nose in Mila’s business either.
Caleb laughs a little. “Well, I mean, if you find anything out sure, but don’t go digging. God knows I do not need that shit blowing back on me.”
Now it’s me laughing as a hand suddenly raps on the glass windows at the front of the bar, before Ruby walks in.
“Hey, babe,” Caleb says, smiling as she comes up behind him and wraps her arms around his shoulders. “You done with class already?”
“Uh huh,” she says, kissing his neck. “Hey, Adam,” she adds, smiling at me.
“Ruby,” I reply, tipping my head in her direction.
“I hope my sister’s not being too much of a pain in the ass for you?”
I chuckle at Ruby’s concern, having witnessed her trying to reign Mila in count
less times in this bar. She’s a super sweet girl Ruby, but I can see why she drives Mila crazy. God knows my brother Josh used to regularly lose his shit at me telling him what to do when we were growing up. Maybe he appreciates the fact I’m not there to do that anymore.
“Not at all,” I say, glancing at Caleb. “I don’t actually see a lot of her.”
Ruby exhales, her smile disappearing as she asks, “Do you know if she’s going to class at all?”
Caleb looks up at her. “You don’t think she’s going to class?”
Ruby shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure she’s picked a major yet, so who knows when her classes even are.”
“Maybe she’s just not on your schedule?” he suggests to Ruby.
“I hear them coming and going,” I say, interrupting. “I mean during the day, so she’s probably going,” I continue, even though I have absolutely no idea.
Ruby exhales. “God, I hope so. I just don’t know what’s going on with her right now.”
Caleb smiles, pulling Ruby into his arms. “I know you’re worried about her, but let her settle in, find her feet. Then we can stage the intervention, okay?”
Ruby nods and I get the feeling this isn’t the first time Caleb has said this to her. “Yeah, I know. Anyway, do you have time for an early dinner? I’m starving.”
Caleb laughs, leaning in to kiss her again. “For you, Ruby, always.”
It’s a slow night at the bar, which isn’t surprising given it’s Tuesday and the first week of classes. Everyone always starts the semester with good intentions, but by next week, they’ll be over trying to be good and either skipping classes or showing up to them hungover.