by Joan Lennon
‘Sorry’ said the boy. ‘He’s, um… a bit shy.’ The bag bulged crossly. ‘Can you tell us, please, where are we?’
Adom nodded. ‘Let’s get you off the mud first, though,’ he said.
He helped the boy up, and they stumbled to the rocky beach and on into the trees, before sitting down on a fallen log.
‘Please,’ the boy asked again. ‘Where is this? When is this?’
Adom gave him an uncertain look. ‘It’s about mid-morning,’ he said, glancing at the sun. And we’re quite near the dwelling of Devin, Bard of the Shores. I’ll take you there when you’re able – I know he’ll shelter you.’
There was a blankness on the boy’s face that made Adom pause.
‘Devin the Bard – you’ll have heard of him?’
He shook his head.
Not from, round here, then, thought Adom to himself, handily forgetting that he hadn’t known of Devin before yesterday himself.
‘Are you a bard too?’ the boy asked tentatively.
‘Me?! No, of course not. I’m Adom. I’m a novice – or I will be, anyway. I’m from the monastery on lona.’ He’s bound to have heard of that! he thought. ‘I’m here with Columba.’ He sounded a bit smug, even to himself.
The boy looked as if he were still puzzled, but before he could speak the weasel thing exploded out of the bag, shouting, ‘Columba?! Did you say Columba?! There’s a bit of good news! So, let’s see, that means we’re sometime in the sixth century, not on lona itself, no, the beach isn’t right for there – too shingly – but we can’t be far from it.’
‘Saints and Angels – a talking beast!’ Adom staggered back, caught his heel on a root and sprawled on to his rear end in the leaf litter. Frantically he made a sign against the evil eye, then one against demonic possession, and then a sign of the cross, just to be on the safe side.
The animal turned his fierce little eyes on Adom and tutted. ‘Don’t be foolish, boy. There is nothing demonic about me. It’s a little-known but not impossible fact that Joseph the Holy Carpenter himself kept ferrets, and if so, Jesus almost certainly might have played with them when he was a boy. There is a story I could tell you of how James, one of the lesser disciples, blessed all ferrets with the possibility of speech, but I think this is neither the time nor the place.’
There was a stunned silence. Adom lay there, with his mouth hanging open, barely breathing. The animal turned his attention to his left shoulder and began to give it a much-needed grooming. And the strange boy looked from one to the other, obviously wondering what the next step of this was going to be.
‘Who are you?’ whispered Adom at last.
‘Oh. Well, like I said, I’m Eo, and this is Professor Hurple. I’m a G – you know, one of the shape-shifting people – and he’s a, um, ferret. As you can see.’ The boy gave an uncertain grin. And we’re looking for some help against the Kelpies – demons who are trying to take us over. You mentioned somebody called Columba. Who’s he?’
‘Who’s Columba!?! The ferret and Adom both turned on him in amazement.
‘He’s only the greatest holy man in the whole world – he’s only practically a saint!’ spluttered Adom.
‘Yes,’ cried the Professor, ‘but more to the point, he’s also the most famous Kelpie-killer of all time! Probably. One of them, anyway. Imagine Gladrag managing to land us on his doorstep! If only we could convince him to come with us, to be our champion in the Dry Heart, why, we might even have a fighting chance!’
Eo gave Hurple a troubled look. It was so abnormal to have to be really serious about something, so hard to stay guilty and afraid now the Kelpie Queen wasn’t hanging over him. It was a G’s nature to enjoy adventure!
Adom was back on his feet by now, though he was keeping a careful distance. There was a lot he didn’t understand about all this, but one thing was more important than the rest.
‘Are you sure you’re not demons?’ he said.
Eo stared. ‘I told you – I’m a G! The only reason we’re here is because of demons!’
Adom shook his head. ‘You’ll have to tell me the whole story’ he said. ‘I don’t understand at all so far. Tell me everything.’
Eo hesitated.
Then, ‘ Well?!’ the ferret snapped suddenly, making both boys jump. ‘Get on with it! You –’ he turned on Adom – ‘sit down properly, and pay attention. And you –’ he turned on Eo – ‘get telling! We haven’t got all day. The tide won’t wait, no matter what you think!’
Eo was insulted. ‘When did I ever say I thought that tides waited…?’
‘GET ON!’
And, for a wonder, Eo did as he was told.
Adom was a riveted audience, though there was a good deal of what he was being told that still made absolutely no sense to him. When the boy finished, the ferret named Hurple gave him a small nod of approval.
‘Succinctly done,’ he said, causing Eo to blush with embarrassed pleasure.
But Adom was still troubled.
‘It’s a wonderful story’ he said. ‘Truly – but… it isn’t really proof that you’re not demons.’
Eo stared. ‘Do I look like a demon to you?’ he asked, disgruntled.
‘Well, it wouldn’t be very smart of you to look like one if you were, would it? I mean, I wouldn’t be likely to take your word for it if you had horns and lots of jagged teeth and stank of brimstone.’
‘You’ll have to wait till he’s older if it’s teeth and stink you’re after,’ grunted Hurple sourly.
Eo sighed. ‘You’re not helping!’ He turned back to Adom. ‘Look, trust me –’
‘Never trust anyone who starts a sentence with “trust me”,’ muttered Hurple under his breath. ‘Sorry sorry… Listen to what the boy’s saying to you, Adom. He’s not nearly as dim as he looks.’
A glance passed between the two boys, the comradeship of the under-appreciated and unfairly maligned. But Adom was still uneasy.
‘If only there were some sort of test…’ he murmured, biting his lip anxiously.
Then he noticed something that had in fact been niggling for his attention for some time. It was music – pipes, and people singing – and it was coming from the settlement further up the hill.
‘That’s it!’ he exclaimed, jumping up. ‘The people are gathering for the Holy Father to bless them and heal their sick. And since everyone knows a demon cannot bear a blessing, that’s what we’re going to do.’
‘What?’
‘Come on!’
As they came to the edge of the clearing, however, Adom paused. He looked out at the settlement, less sure now.
If they were demons, should he be leading them straight into a group of unsuspecting folk?
Hurple seemed to guess his thoughts.
‘We’re hardly going to do anything hellish in full view, at midday, surrounded by a gaggle of holy men, now are we?’ he said reasonably. ‘To be properly eldritch we’d have to wait till after sundown and, oh, I don’t know, pick you off one at a time, probably.’ All the time he was speaking, the smells from the cooking fires were drifting tantalizingly past his nose. That rabbit in the warren seemed a long time ago now…
‘Come on – I’m starving!’ said Eo. ‘Is there time to eat before we get desecrated?’
‘Blessed!’ said Hurple and Adom in chorus.
Eo shrugged. ‘Whatever,’ he said. ‘Is there?’
And suddenly Adom was hungry too.
‘Come on, then,’ he said with a shrug, and led the way.
The people were still gathering. The ones bringing sick and injured with them came last of all, having to travel slowly and with care. The Bard’s people and the monks moved about among the crowd, greeting and making welcoming gestures towards the cooking fires. A piper was playing a tune that Adom knew from home, at least he was until Brother Drostlin fussed over and made him stop.
Too vulgar for such a holy occasion, Adom mimicked the monk sourly in his mind.
Eo’s sky-coloured eyes were wide with cur
iosity. He was taking in the scene with great concentration and enthusiasm.
‘Maybe we could get your lot to convert the Kelpies,’ he suggested suddenly.
‘Don’t be daft. You don’t convert demons – you kill them!’ Adom scoffed. Then he stopped, uncomfortable at the thought that it might be a demon he was speaking to. The idea of Eo and the talking ferret having to be killed was becoming more and more… unthinkable.
Suddenly he straightened up. ‘There he is!’ he said in a low voice. ‘Columba!’
Eo and Hurple looked about expectantly.
‘Where? Which one is he?’
There!’ Adom pointed, amazed that they had to be told. The Holy Father was a head taller at least than the men around him, but even without his height he stood out in any crowd. Adom wondered why they couldn’t see it. ‘Over there!’
There was a short, appalled silence. Then, ‘But…’ said Eo, ‘he’s old!’
‘There’s irony for you,’ murmured Hurple. ‘She was so close, our Gladrag, not more than, what, ten years too late.’
‘What are you talking about? What’s a Gladrag?’ said Adom.
‘Hibernation Gladrag is the Head of the G – that’s Eo’s people, remember? She will have had first turn to throw the Traveller, and she evidently tried to fling us to the time of the great Columba, who, as we all know –’ and he looked down his snout meaningfully at Eo – ‘is one of history’s most renowned Kelpie-killers. Only problem is, she flung us just a bit too far. We’ve missed Columba the Warrior of God and instead we just have Columba the Old Man.’
Adom was shocked right down to his sandals. Were they really turning their noses up at a saint?! Did that mean they were demons, after all?
‘What are we supposed to do now?!’ said Eo. ‘If the old man can’t help…’
‘Well, he can’t fight, that’s obvious, but maybe he can give us some advice…’
‘Look, I don’t know what your problem is here, but sit down and I’ll bring you something to eat. Assuming you can eat food, and not just souls.’ Adom shoved Eo down on to a rock at the edge of the crowds and stomped crossly away.
‘Watch out!’ said Hurple in a much quieter voice. ‘I think we’re drawing attention…’
‘So?’ said Eo.
‘Don’t be stupid!’ Hurple hissed. He was getting really agitated now. ‘I can’t think of any period in human history where a talking ferret isn’t going to be in big trouble. And I for one don’t fancy spending every new Tide being burned as a messenger from hell or stoned as an abomination or dissected as a freak of nature or bored to death on a string of chat shows – so start treating me like a normal ferret!’
Eo blinked. And that involves… what, exactly?’ he said tentatively.
Hurple tutted impatiently. ‘Just pick me up and carry me around. I’ll do the rest. Look out!’
A fine animal.’
Eo managed to grab Professor Hurple, swivel and fall off his log in one uneasy motion. From the ground, he looked up into the face of the man they called the Bard. His eyes were laughing, though he was trying hard to keep the rest of his expression polite.
‘I’m sorry to have startled you,’ he said. At exactly the same moment Eo heard a tiny strangled whisper from under his chin – ‘Not so tight!’ – and he adjusted his grip on the Professor, while struggling upright again.
‘Sorry!’ he said. ‘Um, I mean, thank you. Yes. He’s very… pretty.’ At which point Hurple bit him on the thumb. OWWW!’
The Bard tipped back his head and laughed out loud.
‘I think “handsome” is the word you wanted!’ he said. ‘This is clearly no mere jill but a noble dog, one of the wisest of his kind.’ He started to move on, then stopped and looked at Eo more closely.
‘I’ve not seen you before – have you travelled far?’
Eo nodded.
‘Has anyone offered you food?’
Eo nodded again. ‘Yes… Adom. He’s –’
At which point Adom came bustling back. ‘You can eat later,’ he said. ‘The Holy Father is about to begin. Excuse us, Bard –’ turning to the man – ‘they have come to be blessed, and it’s time now…’
‘Off you go!’ Devin said cheerfully. But a moment later he thought, They? That’s an odd word to use…
Adom was already showing Eo where to stand in the line, then stepped back.
‘I’ll be watching,’ he said. ‘God speed.’
Eo peered nervously down the queue as Columba began his progress. The people seemed so grateful for the old man’s attention, so awed!. It didn’t make sense to him – maybe it was a cultural thing? – but really, he couldn’t see what all the fuss was about…
… until Columba was standing before him, putting out his hand and looking him in the eyes. Suddenly Eo understood it all. The Holy Father was no less old than he’d thought, no less decrepit-looking, but the greatness was still there. It had nothing to do with vigour of muscle or agility of mind, or even depth of experience – and it had everything to do with native power. It flared out of his grey eyes and welled from his touch in ways that Eo was unable to find words for.
‘Bless you, boy,’ was all Columba said, but Eo couldn’t at that moment have asked for more. In fact, he almost forgot Hurple, sitting in his hands and also needing to be given the all-clear as far as being demonic went.
Just at the last moment he remembered, and squawked, ‘Holy Father, will you bless this beast?’
Columba turned back, smiled at the adoring boy with his animal, alert and expectant in his hands. He sketched a cross with his thumb on the animal’s furry forehead and moved on.
And nothing happened – neither Eo nor the ferret began to scream or dissolve in smoke or show in any other way the kind of major discomfort hellish things usually manifest when touched by holiness.
Adom stirred. He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath. Well, that’s a relief, he thought. I’m glad they’re not demons, not even the beast. And it was true. But that didn’t stop the twisted feeling in his gut.
‘The crowds can always light him up.’
Adom jumped. It would seem he wasn’t the only one watching. Devin the Bard hadn’t gone far. Any interesting gesture or turn of phrase or snippet of conversation was grist for his mill. He had seen how Adom’s face changed from tension to relief, but hadn’t lost the troubled look round his mouth and eyes.
‘I’ve always found jealousy to be a crippler in my line of work,’ he said conversationally. ‘I imagine it must be the same in yours.’
Adorm gave an outraged gasp. ‘I’m not –’ he began, but the Bard had already moved on.
Adom scowled. Was that what it was, this worm inside? Jealousy? Was he jealous that Columba had smiled at Eo and not at him? That Eo and the talking animal had been given the full measure of the great man’s charm and, and, greatness, and he, Adom, who lived and worked with him every day (well, in the same general vicinity, anyway) – he got nothing?
It was a lot to swallow. Adom gulped hard, and went to collect his new friends.
No one seemed ready to speak at first. They got some food and returned to the cluster of rocks to eat, separate from the crowds but still nearby.
Then, when their hunger was dealt with, the three exchanged looks.
‘My!’ murmured Hurple, and flopped down on his tummy in a patch of sun.
‘Well!’ said Eo. ‘I mean… well!’
‘So, um, congratulations!’ said Adom.
‘What?’
‘I’m glad you’re not demons,’ Adom explained.
‘Oh, right. Well, we did say.’
I know. Sorry.’
‘Never mind. And sorry from us too, for not understanding about, you know, him.,’ said Eo.
Adom sighed. ‘That’s all right,’ he said. ‘What happens now?’
‘Now?’ Hurple scratched vigorously. ‘Well, I can’t say I know exactly how the “Gift of the Tide” thing is supposed to work, but it seems pretty obviou
s that we’ve arrived in the perfect place at the perfect time to acquire the perfect champion… the perfect…’ He turned suddenly on Eo. ‘He was standing right there in front of you – why didn’t you ask him?!’
‘Are we allowed to ask? Then why didn’t you ask him?’ Eo protested.
‘Because I’m not supposed to be able to talk! I’m the dumb animal, right?!’
Eo muttered something rude under his breath.
‘Oh, well,’ said Hurple grudgingly. ‘I guess it wasn’t exactly the moment, was it? We’ll need to meet with him more privately. Set that up for us, will you, Adom? Tell him it’s important.’
‘ME?!’ squeaked Adom. ‘You expect me to walk up to the Holy Father and say, “You have to meet with this boy and his beast ‘cause I’m telling you it’s important”? Just like that!’
‘Yes. Is there a problem?’ asked the ferret innocently.
‘Is there a problem?!’
‘ADOM!’
It was probably the last voice on earth Adom wanted to hear just then. It was Brother Drostlin’s.
‘I don’t believe for a moment that you did a proper job on that caulking, and already you’re back up here stuffing your face and playing about with… playing about –’ He seemed at a loss for words to describe anything as lowly as Eo. ‘The Holy Father wants to leave at the turn of the tide. He wants be a good few leagues further north by moon-rise.’
‘But he can’t!’ blurted Eo, just as Adom exclaimed, ‘But why?’
Brother Drostlin began to quiver ominously. ‘You dare – you dare to question the wishes of the Holy Father? You dare!?!’
His outraged voice went swooping up to such an unbelievably high note on the last words that it made Eo giggle. He didn’t mean to. It was just nerves, of course.
Brother Drostlin didn’t think it was very polite, however, so he belted him.
One blow more or less was nothing much to Adom, but it was a new experience for Eo and not one he particularly enjoyed. Adom hustled his new friend away before anything worse could happen, down through the trees to the shore and the forgotten, but still stinky, tallow bucket.
‘Don’t worry. We’ll speak to the Holy Father when he comes to the boats,’ Adom reassured them as they went, but Eo wasn’t listening.