Apparently, it was obvious. After about a half an hour, Mr. Robinson pushed the papers away and leaned back in his chair.
“What is your name, girl?”
Susannah blinked at him. “Susannah.”
“Susannah what?”
Oh. This was not a moment of senility. He knew.
Clearly, she wasn’t as good at keeping secrets as she thought, since not one but two people had confronted her about it this week.
She smiled apologetically. “Susannah Blackmon.”
“Daughter of Stephen Blackmon?”
It had been years since she had heard anyone speak her father’s name. She swallowed. “Yes. The middle one.” The old man nodded solemnly. “You knew him?”
“We often corresponded. He was a mighty man of God. An example for other vicars to follow.”
Unbidden, tears sprung to her eyes to hear her father praised so. She nodded her agreement.
The vicar smiled. “I’m not really surprised after hearing Letitia tell me how well you know the Scriptures. I remember him boasting about how much his daughters had committed to memory.”
Susannah raised an eyebrow. “Yes, well…I don’t suppose it’s been of particular use until this summer.”
He gazed at her as though he could see into her soul. “Your life hasn’t been easy since your parents’ deaths.”
She shook her head.
He continued to search her face. “What of their God? Do you still believe in Him?”
A month ago she would have laughed and said of course not. How could a just God have allowed her life to fall to pieces the way it had? Allowed everything to be taken from her?
But spending time with this man and Letitia and even Nick—people who loved God, people who treated her with love and kindness—she had to admit that they had something she wanted. Even Amy, whose faith she usually had ignored, had said some things that made Susannah think. Remember.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t think so. But perhaps.”
The old man nodded at her.
She smiled bravely. She might as well face her future now. If he kicked her out, the bright side was that she wouldn’t have to go to the dinner at Poppledown Park. “What happens next?”
The old man sat forward in his chair again, shaking his head as though he didn’t know what she was talking about. “Well, I suppose we should finish this correspondence. I know Letitia was hoping for a nice long visit afterward.”
She stared at him in disbelief. “You don’t want me to leave Seaton?”
He looked at her, confusion on his face. Maybe she was dealing with senility after all.
She grimaced. “I did just confess that I’ve been here under false pretenses and that I am an apostate.”
“So you believe in light of that, I should expel the orphaned daughter of a dear friend from my home, to wander the land alone, fending for herself? Would your father have done that?”
She blinked. “No. Of course not.”
“No.” A grin broke out over his wizened face, giving her a glimpse of what he must have been as a younger man. He gestured skyward before adding, “Neither would my Father.”
Her eyes rolled heavenward at his impish comment. “I don’t know about that. Your Father had no compunction about throwing me at the mercy of an evil man before.”
The grin was gone from his face, followed by a knowing weariness. “This world is not a holy place. There is no explaining why we face the pain and depravity that we face, apart from restating the fact that we are no longer in Eden. But the prophet Jeremiah tells us that God thinks thoughts of peace toward us. That He has an expected end for us.”
Susannah harrumphed in exasperation. “Yes, well, I’d rather take charge of my own end, thank you very much, if the past few years are any indication of His plan.” She knew it was unkind, especially in the face of his own kindness. But she couldn’t muster anything else at the moment.
He seemed to understand, his mouth even curving back into a wry smile. He nodded. “Well, enough chatter. Letitia will never forgive me if she doesn’t get a good long coze with you.
Fortunately, Letitia was satisfied with idle chatter. Susannah didn’t think she could tolerate another confrontation about her past. Or her lies. Letitia was satisfied with asking what Susannah would wear to dinner and speculating about who else would be in attendance. If she noticed that Susannah was preoccupied, she didn’t say so.
The conversation with Mr. Robinson had left her slightly comforted. It still didn’t seem fair that Nick would ask for her hand. It would have been so much easier if he had followed the rules. He was the son of one earl and brother of another. And while her mother’s father had been noble, her mother had married a vicar, the second son of country gentry. If Nick had simply ignored her as a member of a lower class, she wouldn’t be stuck making this awful decision between what she wanted more than anything and what she knew was right.
A note arrived at the vicarage, indicating that Nick would meet her with a carriage at the vicarage, rather than having her walk the longer distance to Poppledown Park in the mud and dark. Letitia was thrilled that she would get to see Susannah dressed up.
Susannah wondered what her friend would think if she knew that Nick had proposed marriage. The way that Letitia had encouraged them to work together on the treasure hunt, it seemed perhaps she would not be ill disposed to the idea of Nick and Susannah marrying. But since Susannah was bound to tell him no, it seemed unlikely that Susannah would ever know Letitia’s opinion on the matter.
It didn’t signify either way. She must do what she must do.
Chapter 20
By evening, she was back at the cottage sorting through her meager wardrobe, and she was beside herself. How did she get herself into this situation? She couldn’t believe she was even considering going to dine with an earl’s family. With that very earl in attendance. She was supposed to be hiding. Getting away from the ton so she could forge a new life without having to worry about her reputation.
It wasn’t that nobility was so very high above her reach, at least not by birth. Her mother’s lineage meant that she could have mixed with them. But that was before she lost her family.
And her dowry.
And her virtue.
She was seriously overreaching by even considering the invitation. And as though her body agreed, her stomach wouldn’t stop churning.
It was ironic that just a few weeks ago, Nick had warned her against duping his loved ones at the vicarage, and now he had invited her to do the same to those at Poppledown Park.
And then there was that proposal. Honestly, she wouldn’t even consider the dinner if it weren’t for that blasted proposal.
She needed to get completely out of Seaton. If she had the funds, she would already be gone. True, she had enough for the trip, but not enough for security for herself and Amy. The promise of those fifty pounds lured her to stay.
Speaking of Amy, where was she? Susannah needed her help to dress, if only for the moral support. “Amy!” she called, leaning out the door of her bedroom.
Maybe she should go begging to her sisters. But she didn’t want them to know of her complete downfall. She didn’t want to burden them. She didn’t want their husbands to send her back to Hector.
And both of them had stopped returning her letters more than a year ago. Apparently, they were too happy in their new lives to bother with an unmarried sister. She didn’t want to ruin that for them either.
But neither did she want to be subject to Hector’s whims.
But then again, why did she think what she wanted had anything to do with this? What she wanted was for the past year to be erased. She wanted to be a woman of virtue again. A woman her parents would be proud of. A woman Nick would actually be able to love. What she wanted was to say yes to him and marry him and be Gabriel’s mother. And maybe give him brothers and sisters.
Amy finally came in. “Sorry. Just bringing in the wash from the line outs
ide. I did quite a bit of laundry today since we’ve had the rain.”
Susannah nodded. It wasn’t as though she had a lot of clothing choices. “I suppose I’ll wear the sprigged muslin.”
Amy grinned, holding up a claret-colored ribbon. “I assumed so. I brought the matching ribbon.” She set the ribbon down on the dressing table, and began to ready her hairdressing supplies. Susannah sat on the stool before the looking glass.
“So have you changed your mind since this morning?” Amy asked.
“Changed my mind? Yes, a thousand times. Back and forth until I can’t see straight,” Susannah replied. She imagined it would be an easier decision if Nick was a different sort of man. Perhaps if he were slightly less kind. Or less attractive. Maybe a less affectionate father. And generally less…well, good.
“Mr. Daventry must be a better option than that Julian was. He was a right cad,” Amy said, twisting a lock of Susannah’s hair into a curl.
A huff of rueful laughter escaped Susannah’s lips. As much as she wished it weren’t true, she had been very fond of Julian. Wanted to marry him. But she’d been aware of his faults and many weaknesses. He was fond of cards and drink and myriad other things that good husbands avoid.
And she had to confess that in all her days imagining a future life with Julian, none of her daydreams felt as…warm…as the life she imagined with Nick. As much like the childhood she’d grown up with and the life she’d hoped to have for her children.
She could so easily fall in love with Nick. In fact, maybe she already had. Perhaps that was her hesitation. As awful as it would be to never marry, she suspected it would be much worse to marry a man whom she loved yet who had married her out of pity and generosity. And perhaps convenience.
And it would be even worse if the ton found out about her past and she became a public embarrassment to him.
But if they didn’t find out, and if somehow Nick could come to love her… Well, it was too good to allow herself to think about.
After a long while, she finally answered Amy. “Perhaps that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”
And Amy was kind enough to refrain from arguing.
Amy finished Susannah’s hair and helped her into the sprigged muslin. Susannah’s palms were already sweaty with nerves, so she wiped them off on a towel, thankful she would be donning gloves. She bid Amy good-bye and made the quick walk to the vicarage.
Nick was already waiting for her in the drawing room, looking dashing. She had seen him in formal dress before, at the masquerade ball, but so much had happened since then, she’d forgotten how truly handsome he was. It took her breath away and further confirmed her suspicions that this evening would not be an easy one.
She smiled tightly in greeting.
He bowed low to her. “Good evening, Susannah. You look lovely.”
The approving glint in his eye made her blush, and it felt as though a flutter of butterflies were taking flight in her stomach.
She was afraid she actually batted her eyelashes as she returned his greeting. “Thank you. You are looking quite gallant yourself.”
Susannah felt a flush of embarrassment when she realized that Letitia and her father were in the drawing room with them. Nick had so captivated her attention that she hadn’t even noticed. She really was a hopeless case.
She greeted them now and listened to their regrets about not being well enough to join the party.
But soon, Nick held out an arm. “I beg your pardon, but we’d best be on our way. Alice will be looking for us.”
A few moments later, she was situating her skirts in the carriage. Nick alighted next to her and knocked on the roof to signal the driver. In only a few minutes Poppledown Park came into view.
Nick cleared his throat. “Have you considered my proposal?”
She had known he would ask, though she had hoped he wouldn’t. “To be honest, I have thought of little else.”
His head dropped a little to the side as his eyes met hers, but when she didn’t speak further, he smiled a little and looked out the window. “I’ll convince you yet. Once you see Poppledown Park in all its glory, the thought of allowing me to lose it will appeal to your better nature.”
She smiled. He was so easy to be near, even in her turmoil. He made her feel lighthearted even with the weight of the world pressing upon her. “We shall see. Perhaps your family will chase me from the grounds.”
“I sincerely doubt that. They have been speaking of you nearly incessantly. Here we are now.” He gestured out the window at the ancient family pile.
Susannah leaned toward the window to get a glimpse of the house in the moonlight, but before she could see it, her heart stopped.
A very familiar carriage was just leaving the front of the house, headed off to the stables. Its former occupants, a gentleman and a lady, were at the threshold of the house, being ushered in by servants. She could only see the barest hint of white-blond hair poking out between the gentleman’s hat and coat.
“Mr. Daventry,” she managed to breathe out. “Does that carriage belong to Mr. Julian Weatherly?”
He sighed, obviously distracted from her reaction by troubles of his own. “Yes, that dastardly cousin of mine. I wouldn’t have invited him, but Alice insisted. His betrothed is a relation of hers.” He looked at Susannah. His head jerked back a little as he registered her panic. “Do you know him, Susannah?”
“H-he is your cousin?” All the hope Susannah had built crashed down around her. She could barely breathe. She should never have allowed herself to think she could escape her past.
She nodded shakily. The carriage pulled up to the drive.
“I can’t attend the dinner party.” She couldn’t bring herself to say more. She could only hope he understood what she was trying to communicate.
He held her eyes for a long moment and then sighed. He called out to the coachman to return to the vicarage and then settled back into his seat.
“You needn’t escort me home. You’ll be late for the dinner party.”
He only grunted in response and did not make a move to leave the carriage, so she gave up her efforts. She sat back and stared out the window, traveling in silence until the vicarage came into sight. She supposed she ought to make a clean break of it.
“I’ve thought quite a bit about what you said about our marriage. To tell the truth, it isn’t hard to imagine our wedded bliss. I knew, of course, that I shouldn’t accept. However, seeing the reminder of my past, and understanding the risk to you if society found out—and I’m sure that he would make sure that they did—well, I’m sure you are relieved to hear me say I could not so impose on you.”
He stared darkly at her. “I don’t suppose you are aware, Mrs. Stanhope, that Julian Weatherly stands to inherit Poppledown Park if I am not married by Michaelmas?”
The carriage rolled to a stop. She stared at him, mouth a bit agape. It would be patently unfair if the universe—if God—allowed a man like Julian to prevail over a man like Nick. In any way. But then again, hadn’t she known for quite some time that God didn’t run things according to “fair”? And saddling Nick with the likes of her wouldn’t make things better for him.
She dropped her head to look into her lap. “You are a handsome and kind man. I’m sure you can quite quickly find a woman of good repute in a very short amount of time. Any number of mamas would wish a match with you.” She smiled quickly and then practically fell out of the carriage, past the groom, who was just opening the door.
She ran all the way to the cottage, never looking back.
***
He didn’t follow her. He wanted to, of course, or at least part of him did. Part of him just wondered how on earth it had come to pass that a woman like Susannah Stanhope had come to mean so much to him. She was nothing like Mary. Mary had been a woman of impeccable moral character. The very standard of what a wife should be. He had always known he could never settle for less, and so he would never remarry. But somehow, Susannah Stanhope, despite her
many, many flaws, didn’t strike him as less. Not at all. Marriage to her could never be less than delightful.
Nevertheless, there seemed to be far more reasons not to marry her than to pursue the matter. Her rejection of him not the least of those.
When he arrived home, Nick sought out Alice in the drawing room, where her guests had gathered before dinner. He smiled and made the proper excuses for Susannah. He was sure that Alice never noticed the seething anger below the surface of his social niceties, though she did raise her eyebrow when he requested that she not mention Susannah by name to any of her guests. He thought for a moment that she would question him further or remember that it was too late because she had already described Mrs. Stanhope in great detail to the entire party, but after a moment’s hesitation, she acquiesced.
Dinner was interminable. The party was small. He was seated next to Alice’s mother on one side, and Mrs. Ballamy, the wife of the local squire. This meant he had a clear view of Julian Weatherly, who spent most of the evening being overly solicitous of Miss Clarissa Peabody.
Was this how he had started out with Susannah? Little flirtations over a meal, laughing at every little jest she made, smiling at her like she was the wonder of his life? And then what? What had changed in his behavior? And when? Had he known all along that he would cast her aside? Or had he grown weary of her after she had trusted him too much? She had made mistakes, it was true, but this man had knowingly destroyed her whole life.
It eased his fury only slightly to see that Clarissa didn’t seem to be enthralled by Julian’s charms. In fact, her smiles were tight, and she seemed to seek ways to avoid speaking to him without being obvious. Did she see something of the man who was willing to destroy an unprotected innocent for the sake of a better alliance?
Legacy Redeemed (Redeemed, Restored, Reclaimed Book 1) Page 17