He grinned back and the relief on his face was like a kick to her gut. “I think we did, too.” He called over her shoulder, “Hey, boys, look. Here comes the boat.” The boys raced over and Cy began to walk with them to the jetty as Ellie got angry with herself. How could she have been so stupid to think that was real? Just like last night, Cy was making a public show of their lie and she’d let her body be fooled into believing his reactions to her were real. Well, they weren’t real, and never would be, and she was going to have to make her heart believe that.
In no time they were on the yacht, heading straight for Aroha Island. The hard decking dug into Ellie’s thighs and she tugged her shorts lower.
The boys were up front, hair blowing back, decked out in their lifejackets and looking like two little sumo wrestlers. Jonty’s scarf was wrapped around his neck and flapped in the wind. They were heading straight for Aroha Island and at this rate would be there in no time.
“Can you hold this for me, Ellie?” Cy passed her a metal shackle on the end of a rope. “Stand here while I hook it up.” He reached closer and the fresh, cool smell of him invaded her senses.
His chest was only inches from her face, muscles firm beneath. Between his proximity, the memory of the barbecue last night, and their connection back on the beach, her thoughts drifted to the last time she’d been on this boat. He hadn’t known she was a virgin when they made love. Well, if he had, he never said. And the fact that her very first time was overshadowed by the devastation of William’s death, then the anguish of Cy’s rejection when she told him she loved him, made it something she shouldn’t want to remember. She shouldn’t be drawn to the strength in his legs, the power in his shoulders, or wonder what it would be like to make love to him now that he was a man.
“Ellie?”
She shook her head to clear the fantasy from her mind and looked up at him. “Sorry?”
He grinned. “I said you can let go now. Has the blood not made its way back to your body since the handstand? You look flustered.”
Fire rushed to her cheeks as she let the clasp go. She stood back as he brushed his hands on his shorts and pulled the sunglasses from his face. “God, it feels good doing this again. I haven’t even been for a surf since I got back.” His smile stretched across his face. “Stand back, Jonty,” he said and the little boy twisted to look at him, took a step back, then resumed his vigil.
He slung the glasses on the neck of his top and his lowered voice brimmed with enthusiasm. “I meant what I said before, about being overprotective. I know Jonty needs to experience things without me hovering over him. He looks pretty relaxed up there with Louis.”
Ellie smiled as she watched Louis point out a gannet flying by.
“I’ve told him I’ll try and get a paua shell today. He sits on the steps of the cottage and stares at the shells laid in the concrete. Dad left an old grinder in the shed, so I can shine it up for him.”
Ellie lifted her face to the breeze, hair flying out behind her. “You’re such a natural dad.”
His stare heated her face. “Thank you. That means more than you know.”
Her eyes drifted closed with the rhythm of the boat. “I think you’re born to it. Being a parent. I must’ve missed that gene somehow. It won’t happen for me.”
“You’re not going to have children?”
She opened her eyes but avoided his stare and sat on one of the fishing chairs. “No.”
As he took the chair beside her, she finally looked at him. His jaw slackened as he scanned her face. “Ellie, you can’t be serious.”
The air stilled in her chest. She reached over to grab her bag, anything to avoid looking into his face. “Do you think we get cell coverage out here? I’m expecting a call from the council about some new plans.”
His silence made her turn.
“What?”
He pinned her with his gaze. “You don’t mean that. About not having children.”
Tensing, she kept her voice calm. “Yes, I do.”
“But why?”
Her skin cooled. She’d had this conversation with her mum, with Fleur, and people never really understood, always wanted a reason. “I don’t think I’m suited to it. Some people aren’t. And my job means I need to travel and live all over the world. A baby doesn’t fit into that.”
He dropped his head and shook it, and the sun glinted off his dark blonde waves. “Not buying it.”
She swallowed. “What do you mean, ‘not buying it’?”
He looked up and a dimple dug into his cheek. “I know you, Ellie. You’re not the type of woman to walk away from being a mother. You’ve got too much love to give.”
Her heart gave an extra beat. He didn’t know her. Certainly not as a woman. And the only reason he was saying that was because she was about to be a temporary mother to his son.
“There’s something more to it. Why don’t you want to have children?”
She looked out to sea and concentrated on the rows of whitecaps dancing their way toward the yacht. “I’ve found something I’m good at in my life and it’s going to take me all over the world. Being a mother’s not a priority for me and I don’t like doing something unless I’m one hundred percent committed.”
He said nothing but she knew he wanted to, knew he’d have opinions.
“I’ve been lucky to be in Louis’s life since he was born and that’s enough for me.” She brushed a sand fly from her arm.
“I wouldn’t have picked it.” He huffed a breath. “Wouldn’t have picked it at all.”
“People don’t always stay the same, Cy.” She smiled. “I’m not the same girl I was all those years ago.”
He nodded and held her gaze for such a long moment that she squirmed. Had he considered siblings for Jonty? He’d said there was no room for another relationship in his life but that would mean no brothers or sisters for his son. The sudden thought that this might be a part of his plan further down the track sent a chill across her skin. She was glad she’d said it now, glad he’d understand that wasn’t something she could give him as well.
“Come on,” he said. “We need to get the snorkeling gear ready.”
“Snorkeling gear?” Her heart rate spiked.
He looked down at her, the aviator glasses and tight top making him look like a swimwear model. “I want to get Jonty’s shell, and I told Louis I’d take him around the rocks.”
Her tongue froze over the word. “Diving!”
He moved to the side of the boat. “Just snorkeling. We won’t go far, or for long, but he said he’d never been on the rocks around the island and I’d like to show him.”
The fine hairs on her arm stood to attention. She was responsible for Louis. Could he swim well enough? A snake of fear wriggled up her back. Did Cy understand what he was doing? She fruitlessly checked her phone again for a signal. Perhaps if she could talk it through with Fleur, confirm that Cy had her sister’s permission, she’d feel better…
The scrape of the anchor being let down jolted her from her thoughts.
“It’s snorkeling, but we still need to make sure we stay warm. See, Jonty? Come and feel the fabric of the wetsuit, feel how thick it is.”
The two boys were watching Cy so Ellie lowered her voice. “I’m not comfortable with this.” She swallowed past the steel band tightening around her throat. He must know that this would bring back thoughts of William and the way he’d died.
“I asked Fleur and she said it’d be fine. Louis is on his swim team at school, aren’t you, son?”
Louis nodded vigorously.
“And he’s done some snorkeling with Fleur.” Cy’s voice was low and calm.
Beat by beat, Ellie’s pulse slowed. She was being silly. Of course he’d take care of Louis. She’d been around those rocks many times herself, and it really was beautiful.
“And I’m getting the shell for Jonty.”
Ellie’s brain stalled. “Jonty and I’ll be waiting on the boat for you?” She’d be alone with Jont
y. Responsible for him. Just as she was going to be when she was Cy’s pretend wife and the thought chilled her.
Cy looked over to where his son was examining some ropes and lowered his voice. “I called Dr. Marlowe last night about the way Jonty reacted and he suggested I try some new strategies.”
Ellie’s head spun. “Strategies?”
Cy dug around in a large carry bag and dragged out snorkels and fins. “Make more opportunities for Jonty to interact with other people. Be close enough so he can see me or even feel me, but so he knows he can cope on his own.”
“So that’s why you brought him sailing?”
“When he showed so much interest in the paua shells, I thought bringing him here was the perfect opportunity. Dr. Marlowe said that as long as Jonty takes an active part in deciding what he’s comfortable with and what he’s not, it should be positive. I told Jonty what we’d be doing today and I’m happy that he’s comfortable with it. Unless you’d rather I drop you off on shore, but it’d be better if you can keep an eye on us from the deck.”
What if he cried, or screamed for his father? Or what if he sat silently and stared at her and she didn’t know what to do? What Cy wanted to do for his son was beautiful but… She hadn’t thought all this through before she’d said yes to him. He hadn’t mentioned it to her either, as if he just expected she’d be okay at times at this. She was anything but.
Her lips froze and she couldn’t think of an answer.
Louis grabbed his own wetsuit and in minutes they were ready with masks on, flippers thumping on the deck.
Her fingers knotted together. “How long will you be?”
“Fifteen minutes at most.” Cy knelt in front of his son. “You’ll be fine, won’t you, J? I’m going down to get one of those sparkly shells for you. Ellie will be right here. And remember, I told you she knows all sorts of things about the ocean.”
Jonty stared at his father with enormous, unblinking eyes.
“And look.” Cy’s voice was quiet, gentle. “I’ve got this special rope that you get to hold.” He clipped one end of a rope to a carabiner on his wetsuit and gave the other to Jonty. “You’ll be holding on to me the whole time.”
Jonty held the rope in his fat little fist and Ellie had to look away as her vision became clouded at what Cy was doing for his son.
Cy stood, his tall frame blocking the sun as he took a step toward her. “Will you be okay?” he asked. “I can take you to shore if you’d rather.”
No. God, no. It would be bad enough being in charge of a six-year-old, let alone taking care of him on a beach.
“Will you be okay?” Cy repeated.
“I’m not worried about me,” Ellie lied. “How will Jonty feel?”
“He’ll be fine. We’ve talked a lot about me going into the water when I’m surfing and if he can hold onto the rope, he said he’ll be okay.”
Ellie steeled herself. She could do this. For half an hour she could sit on a boat with a little boy and they could watch the seagulls dive into the ocean and it would be fine.
Minutes later, she sat beside Jonty on the deck of the yacht as he held the rope in his small fist and watched the spot where Louis and Cy were snorkeling. The cloud cover had lifted and the sun burned down.
He’d had no reaction when his dad had gone over the side of the boat, except to lift the scarf so it covered his chin, close enough that it touched his lips if he wanted it to.
Ellie crossed her ankles and took a sip of the juice she’d poured for both of them. “It’s getting hotter.” She held the cool cup to her cheek. “How much sunscreen did Daddy put on you?”
She could’ve kicked herself. Open questions to Jonty were pointless. If she couldn’t ask questions, what could she say?
A vision came floating into her mind of a time when her cousin Tim had pushed her off her bed and she’d had to get stitches. The memory of the fear and confusion was still very real. Maybe Jonty felt like that right now. Out of his depth, scared. Her heart melted.
She had to try something different. “There’s not much I can remember about being six.”
Jonty’s gaze remained fixed on the water.
She stretched her legs and waggled her toes. “But there’s one thing I do remember.”
He pulled the scarf right over his lips. Maybe she was scaring him? God, this was hard.
“I can remember what made me feel better.”
His eyes shot toward her then away.
“I had a purple stuffed rabbit.” She cleared her throat. “Called Mr. Tippity.” She sent up a silent prayer that she wasn’t making things worse. “He only had one ear ’cause I chewed the other one off when I got scared.”
Jonty shifted on the decking.
“I think your scarf stops you from being scared and I wish I could have Mr. Tippity right now ’cause I’m a bit scared.”
His gaze locked onto hers and she smiled.
“I’m scared about Louis being under the water, but I know he’s a good swimmer and that your dad will take really good care of him.”
Jonty stroked the rope between his fingers. The only sound was the water slapping against the side of the yacht and the clunk as parts of the sail hit the mast.
“It was lovely of your dad to give you a scarf to stop you from being scared.”
A shadow drew across his face and Jonty slowly shook his head.
Ellie swallowed as her heart thumped. This was the first time he’d really acknowledged her, communicated, and her chest constricted.
She spoke over the ache within. “Your dad didn’t give you the scarf?”
He kept on shaking his head and Ellie drew in a breath as she realized what he was saying.
“Your mum?” Her voice quavered. “That was your mummy’s scarf, wasn’t it?” And she held her breath as she waited for this beautiful boy to answer her with his eyes.
Chapter Six
Jonty held his head rigid, then with the slightest dip of his chin, nodded. As his eyes grew wider, a rush of blood pumped through Ellie’s body. It might be without words, might be little more than a movement, but Jonty was communicating. This little boy who’d have to work out every day who and what to trust, was answering her question. Tears pricked sharp behind her nose but she forced them back.
He cast his gaze downward and slowly stopped moving. A black hole sucked her in and she struggled with what to say next. Children were so fragile, so easily influenced by the adults around them and she prayed that she didn’t screw this up.
She knew what it was like to have someone erased from your life—the sense of complete bewilderment, the emptiness that deepened and decayed inside. And the well-meaning people around you who’d poke and prod for a reaction.
“Oh, it’s beautiful,” she said as she focused on his scarf. “Those are such great colors. I think they were probably some of your mum’s favorites.” The vibrant blues and greens shimmered in the sun. “They’re a bit like the paua shell your dad’s gone to get for you.”
Jonty rolled his lips together and tilted his head to one side as he lifted his lashes to her. There was a spark she hadn’t seen before, and her stomach lurched.
“And it looks silky. I bet it feels lovely on your skin.” Her fingertips pulsed with the need to touch. But she mustn’t scare him. Still holding the rope in one hand, his father at the end of it, he passed the scarf to her but didn’t let go. As she touched the fabric, a powerful sense of connection flowed into her. A knot of grief unraveled, hard and brittle memories disintegrated. Through misted vision, she smiled at him. He held the other end of the scarf in a chubby grip as the yacht gently rocked them. His lips lifted, and the breeze tossed his curls about. The simplicity of the moment wrapped around her and she willed it to go on forever. His childhood innocence and trust was touching a wound she’d never thought would heal.
She paused, savoring the perfect memory. “I wonder if you’d like to go to the New Year’s pageant, Jonty? Your dad used to love being part of it. I know L
ouis’s been in it since he was six and he loves it. Maybe we could go to one of the practices with him.”
A small frown pulled on Jonty’s face, so she knew he was listening.
“Hey!” Cy’s voice carried clear across the water. Ellie let her end of the scarf drop as Jonty stood to look over the side of the boat.
She shielded her face against the sun’s glare as she stood to join him. “Are you okay?”
Two heads bobbed not far from them and Louis held something above his head. His thin voice carried high on the wind. “We’ve got your paua shell, Jonty. Man, it was so cool down there!”
Minutes later, the two of them were at the boat and Ellie helped Louis climb the ladder attached to the side. He dripped a pool of water on the deck as he hopped from one foot to the other.
“Cy said we had to get an empty one.” Louis panted as he pulled off his mask and snorkel, then turned the shell over and over in his hands. “He said we shouldn’t take anything that was alive. It was unreal. Fish coming right up to you and I even saw a big old lobster but Cy said we couldn’t take him!” He finished with an exaggerated roll of his eyes.
He handed the shell to Jonty. It was a chalky gray on one side and on the other, iridescent blue and green. Jonty turned it over and over as Louis chatted about all the things he’d seen and that Cy would polish the inside so it sparkled.
Ellie dried Louis’s hair with a towel and marveled at his easygoing nature. It didn’t seem to bother him at all that the conversation was one-sided.
“Can we have some of those cookies you brought, Aunt Ellie? I’m starving.”
She laughed. “Sure, but get changed while you’re there so you don’t get too cold.” The younger boy followed Louis below deck while keeping hold of the precious shell.
Ellie turned to see Cy’s smiling face at the top of the ladder and her pulse quickened. Water dripped from his hair and his skin glowed.
“God, that was good,” he said. He hauled himself over the side. “How’s J?” He peeled the wetsuit top from his muscular torso and stood, half-naked, in front of her, water trailing down the dark hair below his belly button.
Last Chance Proposal (Entangled Bliss) Page 7