by Roald Dahl
'What do you mean, it's tomato soup, roast beef, and blueberry pie?' said Violet Beauregarde.
'If you were to start chewing it,' said Mr Wonka, 'then that is exactly what you would get on the menu. It's absolutely amazing! You can actually feel the food going down your throat and into your tummy! And you can taste it perfectly! And it fills you up! It satisfies you! It's terrific!'
'It's utterly impossible,' said Veruca Salt.
'Just so long as it's gum,' shouted Violet Beauregarde, 'just so long as it's a piece of gum and I can chew it, then that's for me!' And quickly she took her own world-record piece of chewing-gum out of her mouth and stuck it behind her left ear. 'Come on, Mr Wonka,' she said, 'hand over this magic gum of yours and we'll see if the thing works.'
'Now, Violet,' said Mrs Beauregarde, her mother; 'don't let's do anything silly, Violet.' 'I want the gum!' Violet said obstinately. 'What's so silly?'
'I would rather you didn't take it,' Mr Wonka told her gently. 'You see, I haven't got it quite right yet. There are still one or two things …'
'Oh, to blazes with that!' said Violet, and suddenly, before Mr Wonka could stop her, she shot out a fat hand and grabbed the stick of gum out of the little drawer and popped it into her mouth. At once, her huge, well-trained jaws started chewing away on it like a pair of tongs.
'Don't!' said Mr Wonka.
'Fabulous!' shouted Violet. 'It's tomato soup! It's hot and creamy and delicious! I can feel it running down my throat!'
'Stop!' said Mr Wonka. 'The gum isn't ready yet! It's not right!'
'Of course it's right!' said Violet. 'It's working beautifully! Oh my, what lovely soup this is!'
'Spit it out!' said Mr Wonka.
'It's changing!' shouted Violet, chewing and grinning both at the same time. 'The second course is coming up! It's roast beef! It's tender and juicy! Oh boy, what a flavour! The baked potato is marvellous, too! It's got a crispy skin and it's all filled with butter inside!'
'But how in-teresting, Violet,' said Mrs Beauregarde. 'You are a clever girl.'
'Keep chewing, baby!' said Mr Beauregarde. 'Keep right on chewing! This is a great day for the Beauregardes! Our little girl is the first person in the world to have a chewing-gum meal!'
Everybody was watching Violet Beauregarde as she stood there chewing this extraordinary gum. Little Charlie Bucket was staring at her absolutely spellbound, watching her huge rubbery lips as they pressed and unpressed with the chewing, and Grandpa Joe stood beside him, gaping at the girl. Mr Wonka was wringing his hands and saying, 'No, no, no, no, no! It isn't ready for eating! It isn't right! You mustn't do it!'
'Blueberry pie and cream!' shouted Violet. 'Here it comes! Oh my, it's perfect! It's beautiful! It's … it's exactly as though I'm swallowing it! It's as though I'm chewing and swallowing great big spoonfuls of the most marvellous blueberry pie in the world!'
'Good heavens, girl!' shrieked Mrs Beauregarde suddenly, staring at Violet, 'what's happening to your nose!'
'Oh, be quiet, mother, and let me finish!' said Violet.
'It's turning blue!' screamed Mrs Beauregarde. 'Your nose is turning blue as a blueberry!' 'Your mother is right!' shouted Mr Beauregarde. 'Your whole nose has gone purple!' 'What do you mean?' said Violet, still chewing away.
'Your cheeks!' screamed Mrs Beauregarde. 'They're turning blue as well! So is your chin! Your whole face is turning blue!'
'Spit that gum out at once!' ordered Mr Beauregarde.
'Mercy! Save us!' yelled Mrs Beauregarde. 'The girl's going blue and purple all over! Even her hair is changing colour! Violet, you're turning violet, Violet! What is happening to you?'
'I told you I hadn't got it quite right,' sighed Mr Wonka, shaking his head sadly. 'I'll say you haven't!' cried Mrs Beauregarde. 'Just look at the girl now!'
Everybody was staring at Violet. And what a terrible, peculiar sight she was! Her face and hands and legs and neck, in fact the skin all over her body, as well as her great big mop of curly hair, had turned a brilliant, purplish-blue, the colour of blueberry juice!
'It always goes wrong when we come to the dessert,' sighed Mr Wonka. 'It's the blueberry pie that does it. But I'll get it right one day, you wait and see.'
'Violet,' screamed Mrs Beauregarde, 'you're swelling up!'
'I feel sick,' Violet said.
'You're swelling up!' screamed Mrs Beauregarde again.
'I feel most peculiar!' gasped Violet.
'I'm not surprised!' said Mr Beauregarde.
'Great heavens, girl!' screeched Mrs Beauregarde. 'You're blowing up like a balloon!'
'Like a blueberry,' said Mr Wonka.
'Call a doctor!' shouted Mr Beauregarde.
'Prick her with a pin!' said one of the other fathers.
'Save her!' cried Mrs Beauregarde, wringing her hands.
But there was no saving her now. Her body was swelling up and changing shape at such a rate that within a minute it had turned into nothing less than an enormous round blue ball – a gigantic blueberry, in fact – and all that remained of Violet Beauregarde herself was a tiny pair of legs and a tiny pair of arms sticking out of the great round fruit and little head on top.
'It always happens like that,' sighed Mr Wonka. 'I've tried it twenty times in the Testing Room on twenty Oompa-Loompas, and every one of them finished up as a blueberry. It's most annoying. I just can't understand it.'
'But I don't want a blueberry for a daughter!' yelled Mrs Beauregarde. 'Put her back to what she was this instant!'
Mr Wonka clicked his fingers, and ten Oompa-Loompas appeared immediately at his side.
'Roll Miss Beauregarde into the boat,' he said to them, 'and take her along to the Juicing Room at once.'
'The Juicing Room?' cried Mrs Beauregarde. 'What are they going to do to her there?'
'Squeeze her,' said Mr Wonka. 'We've got to squeeze the juice out of her immediately. After that, we'll just have to see how she comes out. But don't worry, my dear Mrs Beauregarde. We'll get her repaired if it's the last thing we do. I am sorry about it all, I really am …'
Already the ten Oompa-Loompas were rolling the enormous blueberry across the floor of the Inventing Room towards the door that led to the chocolate river where the boat was waiting. Mr and Mrs Beauregarde hurried after them. The rest of the party, including little Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe, stood absolutely still and watched them go.
'Listen!' whispered Charlie. 'Listen, Grandpa! The Oompa-Loompas in the boat outside are starting to sing!'
The voices, one hundred of them singing together, came loud and clear into the room:
'Dear friends, we surely all agree
There's almost nothing worse to see
Than some repulsive little bum
Who's always chewing chewing-gum.
(It's very near as bad as those
Who sit around and pick the nose.)
So please believe us when we say
That chewing gum will never pay;
This sticky habit's bound to send
The chewer to a sticky end.
Did any of you ever know
A person called Miss Bigelow?
This dreadful woman saw no wrong
In chewing, chewing all day long.
She chewed while bathing in the tub,
She chewed while dancing at her club,
She chewed in church and on the bus;
It really was quite ludicrous!
And when she couldn't find her gum,
She'd chew up the linoleum,
Or anything that happened near —
A pair of boots, the postman's ear,
Or other people's underclothes,
And once she chewed her boy-friend's nose.
She went on chewing till, at last,
Her chewing muscles grew so vast
That from her face her giant chin
Stuck out just like a violin.
For years and years she chewed away,
Consuming fifty bits a day,
<
br /> Until one summer's eve, alas,
A horrid business came to pass.
Miss Bigelow went late to bed,
For half an hour she lay and read,
Chewing and chewing all the while
Like some great clockwork crocodile.
At last, she put her gum away
Upon a special little tray,
And settled back and went to sleep —
(She managed this by counting sheep).
But now, how strange! Although she slept,
Those massive jaws of hers still kept
On chewing, chewing through the night,
Even with nothing there to bite.
They were, you see, in such a groove
They positively had to move.
And very grim it was to hear
In pitchy darkness, loud and clear,
This sleeping woman's great big trap
Opening and shutting, snap-snap-snap!
Faster and faster, chop-chop-chop,
The noise went on, it wouldn't stop.
Until at last her jaws decide
To pause and open extra wide,
And with the most tremendous chew
They bit the lady's tongue in two.
Thereafter, just from chewing gum,
Miss Bigelow was always dumb,
And spent her life shut up in some
Disgusting sanatorium.
And that is why we'll try so hard
To save Miss Violet Beauregarde
From suffering an equal fate.
She's still quite young. It's not too late,
Provided she survives the cure.
We hope she does. We can't be sure.'
22
Along the Corridor
'Well, well, well,' sighed Mr Willy Wonka, 'two naughty little children gone. Three good
little children left. I think we'd better get out of this room quickly before we lose anyone
else!'
'But Mr Wonka,' said Charlie Bucket anxiously, 'will Violet Beauregarde ever be all right again or will she always be a blueberry?'
'They'll de-juice her in no time flat!' declared Mr Wonka. 'They'll roll her into the de-juicing machine, and she'll come out just as thin as a whistle!'
'But will she still be blue all over?' asked Charlie.
'She'll be purple? cried Mr Wonka. 'A fine rich purple from head to toe! But there you are! That's what comes from chewing disgusting gum all day long!'
'If you think gum is so disgusting,' said Mike Teavee, 'then why do you make it in your factory?'
'I do wish you wouldn't mumble,' said Mr Wonka. 'I can't hear a word you're saying. Come on! Off we go! Hurry up! Follow me! We're going into the corridors again!' And so saying, Mr Wonka scuttled across to the far end of the Inventing Room and went out through a small secret door hidden behind a lot of pipes and stoves. The three remaining children – Veruca Salt, Mike Teavee, and Charlie Bucket – together with the five remaining grown-ups, followed after him.
Charlie Bucket saw that they were now back in one of those long pink corridors with many other pink corridors leading out of it. Mr Wonka was rushing along in front, turning left and right and right and left, and Grandpa Joe was saying, 'Keep a good hold of my hand, Charlie. It would be terrible to get lost in here.'
Mr Wonka was saying, 'No time for any more messing about! We'll never get anywhere at the rate we've been going!' And on he rushed, down the endless pink corridors, with his black top hat perched on the top of his head and his plum-coloured velvet coat-tails flying out behind him like a flag in the wind.
They passed a door in the wall. 'No time to go in!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Press on! Press on!'
They passed another door, then another and another. There were doors every twenty paces or so along the corridor now, and they all had something written on them, and strange clanking noises were coming from behind several of them, and delicious smells came wafting through the keyholes, and sometimes little jets of coloured steam shot out from the cracks underneath.
Grandpa Joe and Charlie were half running and half walking to keep up with Mr Wonka, but they were able to read what it said on quite a few of the doors as they hurried by. EATABLE MARSHMALLOW PILLOWS, it said on one.
'Marshmallow pillows are terrific!' shouted Mr Wonka as he dashed by. 'They'll be all the rage when I get them into the shops! No time to go in, though! No time to go in!'
LICKABLE WALLPAPER FOR NURSERIES, it said on the next door.
'Lovely stuff, lickable wallpaper!' cried Mr Wonka, rushing past. 'It has pictures of fruits on it – bananas, apples, oranges, grapes, pineapples, strawberries, and snozzberries …'
'Snozzberries?' said Mike Teavee.
'Don't interrupt!' said Mr Wonka. 'The wallpaper has pictures of all these fruits printed on it, and when you lick the picture of a banana, it tastes of banana. When you lick a strawberry, it tastes of strawberry. And when you lick a snozzberry, it tastes just exactly like a snozzberry …'
'But what does a snozzberry taste like?'
'You're mumbling again,' said Mr Wonka. 'Speak louder next time. On we go! Hurry up!'
HOT ICE CREAMS FOR COLD DAYS, it said on the next door.
'Extremely useful in the winter,' said Mr Wonka, rushing on. 'Hot ice cream warms you up no end in freezing weather. I also make hot ice cubes for putting in hot drinks. Hot ice cubes make hot drinks hotter.'
COWS THAT GIVE CHOCOLATE MILK, it said on the next door. 'Ah, my pretty little cows!' cried Mr Wonka. 'How I love those cows!'
'But why can't we see them?' asked Veruca Salt. 'Why do we have to go rushing on past all these lovely rooms?'
'We shall stop in time!' called out Mr Wonka. 'Don't be so madly impatient!' FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS, it said on the next door.
'Oh, those are fabulous!' cried Mr Wonka. 'They fill you with bubbles, and the bubbles are full of a special kind of gas, and this gas is so terrifically lifting that it lifts you right off the ground just like a balloon, and up you go until your head hits the ceiling – and there you stay.'
'But how do you come down again?' asked little Charlie.
'You do a burp, of course,' said Mr Wonka. 'You do a great big long rude burp, and up comes the gas and down comes you! But don't drink it outdoors! There's no knowing how high up you'll be carried if you do that. I gave some to an old Oompa-Loompa once out in the back yard and he went up and up and disappeared out of sight! It was very sad. I never saw him again.'
'He should have burped,' Charlie said.
'Of course he should have burped,' said Mr Wonka. 'I stood there shouting, "Burp, you silly ass, burp, or you'll never come down again!" But he didn't or couldn't or wouldn't, I don't know which. Maybe he was too polite. He must be on the moon by now.'
On the next door, it said, SQUARE SWEETS THAT LOOK ROUND.
'Wait!' cried Mr Wonka, skidding suddenly to a halt. 'I am very proud of my square sweets that look round. Let's take a peek.'
23
Square Sweets That Look Round
Everybody stopped and crowded to the door. The top half of the door was made of glass.
Grandpa Joe lifted Charlie up so that he could get a better view, and looking in, Charlie saw
a long table, and on the table there were rows and rows of small white square-shaped
sweets. The sweets looked very much like square sugar lumps – except that each of them
had a funny little pink face painted on one side. At the end of the table, a number of
Oompa-Loompas were busily painting more faces on more sweets.
'There you are!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Square sweets that look round!'
'They don't look round to me,' said Mike Teavee.
'They look square,' said Veruca Salt. 'They look completely square.'
'But they are square,' said Mr Wonka. 'I never said they weren't.'
'You said they were round!' said Veruca Salt.
'I never said anything of the sort,' said Mr Wonka. 'I said they
looked round.'
'But they don't look round!' said Veruca Salt.' They look square!'
'They look round,' insisted Mr Wonka.
'They most certainly do not look round!' cried Veruca Salt.
'Veruca, darling,' said Mrs Salt, 'pay no attention to Mr Wonka! He's lying to you!'
'My dear old fish,' said Mr Wonka, 'go and boil your head!'
'How dare you speak to me like that!' shouted Mrs Salt.
'Oh, do shut up,' said Mr Wonka. 'Now watch this!'
He took a key from his pocket, and unlocked the door, and flung it open … and suddenly … at the sound of the door opening, all the rows of little square sweets looked quickly round to see who was coming in. The tiny faces actually turned towards the door and stared at Mr Wonka.
'There you are!' he cried triumphantly. 'They're looking round! There's no argument about it! They are square sweets that look round!'
'By golly, he's right!' said Grandpa Joe.
'Come on!' said Mr Wonka, starting off down the corridor again. 'On we go! We mustn't dawdle!'
BUTTERSCOTCH AND BUTTERGIN, it said on the next door they passed. 'Now that sounds a bit more interesting,' said Mr Salt, Veruca's father.
'Glorious stuff!' said Mr Wonka. 'The Oompa-Loompas all adore it. It makes them tiddly. Listen! You can hear them in there now, whooping it up.'
Shrieks of laughter and snatches of singing could be heard coming through the closed door.
'They're drunk as lords,' said Mr Wonka. 'They're drinking butterscotch and soda. They like that best of all. Buttergin and tonic is also very popular. Follow me, please! We really mustn't keep stopping like this.' He turned left. He turned right. They came to a long flight of stairs. Mr Wonka slid down the banisters. The three children did the same. Mrs Salt and Mrs Teavee, the only women now left in the party, were getting very out of breath. Mrs Salt was a great fat creature with short legs, and she was blowing like a rhinoceros. 'This way!' cried Mr Wonka, turning left at the bottom of the stairs.
'Go slower!' panted Mrs Salt.
'Impossible,' said Mr Wonka. 'We should never get there in time if I did.'