by Marnie Cate
“Stay the night with me,” I pleaded, not wanting him to leave me. “I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.”
“I don't think this is wise. You are conflicted, and I don't think you truly love me. Your mortal emotions are playing with you, deceiving you.”
“No! This is not because I am afraid. Why can't you believe me? Do you not feel how true my love is when you kiss me? Does my touch not take your breath away as it does mine?”
Jameson flinched at my words. “I should go.”
I wanted to yell at him. Beg him to stay. Plead with him to not leave me alone with my contemplations and fear. I wanted to do all of this, but I couldn't make him believe in my feelings, so I did nothing.
“Maybe you are right. You should go,” I said coldly
“Blanche —”, he started before falling silent.
Was he going to say he was wrong? I wished nothing more than for him to tell me he loved me, and he would never let me go. But, it would be a lie. He could never love me, so I didn't wait for the answer. Instead, I locked myself in the solitude of my bathroom, letting my tears fall unchecked. I had thrown myself at him, begging him to love me, and he had not wanted me. He wanted to walk away, so I let him.
Seeing my reflection in the mirror, I glared at the pitiful girl in front of me. Black streaked down my face where my tears had melted my make-up. Let it out Blanche because this will be the last time you cry over this man, I told myself.
* * *
I awoke feeling empty. My heart had been broken. My hopes he would return in the middle of the night were childish, but they continued. Jameson would not have told me to let him go if he didn't mean it. His years as Snowystra's guard had hardened him in so many ways that I couldn't melt her hold on him.
I pulled the blankets back over my head and forced myself to go back to sleep. It was difficult, but eventually, my weariness won out.
“Why are you still sleeping?” The rich voice of Roger roused me from my slumber. “Are you sick?”
“No,” I said, my voice cracking. “Well, maybe a little.”
It was not a lie. A broken heart surely could count as a sickness.
The bed shifted as Roger sat down on it. “Are you doubting our marriage?” he asked softly.
I sat up quickly and turned to face him. “No, I want to marry you. There's just a lot of pressure with the wedding. So many people will be there, and I am worried my dress is too much for this town.”
Roger's face grew serious. “I need you to be certain. No doubts. Once we say `I do', it's forever.” He touched my face, and then kissed me on the cheek.
“I have no doubts about being your wife,” I assured him, covering his hand with my own. “I am just overwhelmed, and it is making me tired.”
“Get some rest, Blanche. You will be a beautiful bride. Tomorrow, I will pledge myself to you, and we will be eternally bound together.”
I felt a chill run through me. “Forever,” I said, kissing him tenderly.
* * *
Most of my day was spent reading and sleeping. Roger insisted I rest, because after the wedding, he had plans to whisk me away. He would not tell me where he was taking me for our honeymoon, but he promised I would be thrilled.
Even with the pending excitement, my heart still ached for Jameson, but Roger had been correct. We would be bound together for eternity. I would be his wife, and we would, one day, have and lose a child together. I would willingly provide him with the biggest heartbreak he would probably ever feel.
My excuses for not eating were accepted. When I insisted my dress would not be forgiving, my mother agreed. Since it was skin-tight, she insisted I should try to only nibble throughout the day. I realized my mother was using it as an excuse to check on me when she popped in to verify whether or not I had eaten any dinner. I could feel she wanted to say something to me.
“The arrangements are all made. Roger stopped by with this note for you,” my mother said.
I took the white envelope from her, and opened it she looked on eagerly. The simple note read:
Hear my soul speak. The very instant that I saw you did
My heart fly to your service, there resides
To make me slave to it, and for your sake
Am I this patient log-man.
~ Only Shakespeare could understand the love I have for you. Yours forever, RK
His reminder of our love being a tragedy rushed through me. How could I let him believe there was any hope of happiness for us? I returned the note to my mother. Her smile told me she didn't understand how wrong our deceit was. How unfair it was to trap Roger in this life.
“I have never seen that man smile so much. You have made him quite happy, Blanche. I hope the love and happiness I have seen in your eyes the last few weeks are genuine”.
“Yes, Mother,” I admitted. “As I told you before, I have found myself falling in love.”
“This pleases me so much, Blanche. Together, you will get through the loss of your child. It will be so much easier to have someone you love lying next to you each night.”
“Why would you say that? It will not be easy to give away my child,” I said, angrily. “You keep talking about this as if it is just another business transaction. Get Blanche married. Get Blanche pregnant. Steal Blanche's baby.” I choked back a sob. “It would have been easier if I didn't love him. I will live with a lie every day of our life together. He will be forced to comfort me, even though he will be grieving. He doesn't deserve this.”
“None of us deserve this, Blanche,” my mother replied sadly.
“What would you know about giving away your child?” I snapped.
“You are right. I never was forced to give my children up, but I lived in fear from the day each of you were born that she would take you or kill you. She has threatened me since I was sixteen years old.”
I wanted to feel bad for her, but my anger burned away my compassion. My mother had brought this upon herself, and in turn, on the rest of us. We were all being punished for her sins.
“Snowystra had been banished at one time, but they didn't enforce it. I don't know if they were blind to the games she played or, perhaps, mortal lives mean nothing to them.” She looked down with regret etched on her face. “I was naive. She pretended to be a kind goddess, Blanche, and I fell for her lies. Now, I have to live with my choices.”
My anger melted as I watched my mother slump into a chair. For the first time in my life, she seemed broken. In that moment, I could see past her brave act.
“Nothing comes without a price,” she warned, “and I have paid, over and over, for mine.”
I knelt in front of her as I did when I was a small girl. She stroked my hair. Her touch always comforted me. Had she always been so stingy with her love because she thought she would lose me?
“I'm sorry, Mother. I don't blame you. I have seen what she is. I just don't know if I will be able to give my child to her. I don't know if I would be able to live with myself afterwards,” I whispered.
“When you have the chance to love, grab onto it and never let go until you are forced to, Blanche. I should not have held back my feelings from you or your brothers. I missed the time we had. I threw away friends and family, for what – Magic? And cursed magic at that.”
I couldn't argue with her. She ruined her own life and her children's over greed. Did she need the magic? She always knew she would marry my father, and he came from a wealthy family, whose riches had been passed on throughout the generations. My grandfather and great-grandfather had started small businesses, which grew with Starten, and our businesses remained successful.
I wondered, would I turn cold, like her? I didn't think we would ever get out from under Snowystra's control. My baby wouldn't bring us freedom. If anything, we were guaranteed a future with more loss and pain.
“I forgive you, Mother,” I said. I didn't look up to see her response, but I heard her choke back a sob. The sound of her pain hit me. I couldn't hate her for what
she did. We had a common enemy and I needed to be smart with my emotions. “I'll figure something out, Mother. Together, we will find a way to stop her.”
* * *
I rested my head on my mother's lap while she gently stroked my hair for what seemed like hours. At one point, I had drifted off into the strange stage of unsleep, the in-between kind. You're conscious of being asleep, but you're not really awake. It was the cruelest kind of slumber, which truly didn't give you any rest. But, for that one moment, I had no questions or answers racing through my mind. I just felt calm.
“You're finally awake,” my mother said.
“I'm sorry. Why didn't you wake me up?”
“You were just so peaceful. I just want to enjoy the moment with you. Tomorrow, you'll be a married woman.”
“But, I won't be far. We will still be living in the same home.”
“Yes, but things will change,” my mother said. “Has Roger told you where you will go for your honeymoon?”
“No, the only thing he told me was that I'd be happy with our destination. Do you know where he's taking me?”
“I have an inkling, but I do not know for sure.”
“Do you think I'll like his choice?”
“Yes, I think you'll be very happy. When you return, many of the changes Roger requested will have been made. While you're gone, I will have your things moved. Let me send Sofia up tonight, and you can tell her what needs to go.”
“No need. Just have her move some of my clothing and toiletries. I'll come back-and-forth to get whatever I need.”
“Do you think that's wise, Blanche. You don't want Roger to think —”
“I'm sure Roger won't notice if I don't bring everything I own. I have so much. If he asks, I'll just explain to him I need to weed out the excess. I really have so much.”
“Whatever you think is best,” she said, standing up and kissing me on the cheek. “I'll see you in the morning. I'll bring you a light breakfast.”
* * *
Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap
When I opened my eyes and saw him, I thought I was dreaming. I had to blink several times to clearly see Jameson standing outside my window. His face wore a pained expression.
“What is going on, Jameson? Are you OK?” I wondered, opening the patio door.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
“Of course.” I stepped back, allowing space for him to enter.
“No, I shouldn't be here,” he growled. He turned around and began to walk away.
I grabbed his arm and held on tight. “Don't do this. Don't go.”
“I… I can't do this. I shouldn't be here. You're going to marry him, but something is making me stay. I don't want to lose you, Blanche,” he said.
“Yes, I'm marrying Roger tomorrow, Jameson. You knew I was going to marry him. You brought me to his home to apologize. You saw him propose to me. What did you think would happen?”
“I… I'm sorry about everything. I never thought I would feel this way about you. I don't care if you love him. I will share you, if it means you will be in my life. I just can't lose you. You are what keeps me going, despite the cruelty and darkness she inflicts on my people.”
Without thinking about it, I had thrown my arms around Jameson, and I was passionately kissing him. We didn't have to waste our time worrying about rules. I wasn't even sure I had a soul to worry about. How could I? I had sold it the day I agreed to marry Roger for a child, one I would eventually give away.
I wasn't thinking about an hour from then, tomorrow or the future. I just wanted to be with him right now. I wanted him to know I was foolishly, deeply and madly in love with him. I didn't protest when he picked me up. I wanted Jameson to make love to me, and I didn't care if it was wrong.
When our moment of passion ended, we laid breathless. Neither of us spoke. What did someone say at a time like this?
Jameson finally broke the silence, “I'm sorry. I should have stopped this from happening.”
“You're not going to make this into something wrong. Jameson, I wanted this to happen as much as you did.”
“When you're saying `I do' to him tomorrow, I'm going to pretend that you're promising yourself to me,” he said, nuzzling my neck.
There were no words I could say in response that would sound authentic. Instead, our kisses filled in the awkward silence. Nothing would heal the sadness we both felt. The feelings of pending loss hovered over us like a death sentence.
“Jameson, I need you to promise me you won't blame me for having to marry Roger.”
“For wanting to marry him,” he corrected.
“Yes, I want to marry him. I was honest when I said I love him, too. I think he will make a great father one day, after…”
“She should've chosen me,” he said, glaring at the ceiling. “She should've made me the Shah. As the king of Snowstrum, you would be by my side as the Vizier, my Queen. Our pure magic could've filled her kingdom with many children carrying strong magic. We would've ruled together.”
I didn't know how to answer him. Of course, he had magic. He had transported us to various places. He could enter my thoughts.
“I am not what you think I am. I am not a guard of Snowstrum, or at least, I wasn't. Once upon a time, I pledged my loyalty to the Golden King, Faramond. He had blessed many generations with his magic. We were the guardians of the Afterlife. We escorted all souls to their next realm, and it was a peaceful life.”
His voice grew dark as he continued. “Then, she arrived, and she killed anyone who tried to stop her. Snowystra took us away, and brought us to her cold world. The children of those she enslaved changed. The younger ones turned into nothing more than monsters. We were once full of golden sun, but my people have been corrupted by her evil.”
I was at a loss for words. I simply held him close, listening to his confessions.
“My people have been changed by their animal claws, sharp teeth and pale skin. They drug themselves in order to sleep, hoping to find peace from the pain she inflicts. Do you know, she starves and beats them?” He shivered beneath my touch. “They live underground in tunnels with none of life's conveniences. She forces them to live in these terrible conditions because their sorrow and sadness feeds her. It's her…” He sat up, and ran his fingers through his hair. “Wait, I shouldn't have told you. No, No, No!”
His sudden agitation frightened me.
“I can't tell her this,” he mumbled to himself. Suddenly, he left the bed. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you any of that.” He rushed to the window and peered out into the darkness. With a breath of relief, he turned back to me. “I lied. I don't know why I made it all up. I wanted you to feel as bad as I do. I was wrong to lie. It was just a story.”
I rushed to him. “Tell me what is going on?” I asked, trying to take his hand, but he quickly moved out of my reach.
“Ignore everything I just said. I'm sorry.” His eyes pleaded with me to understand. Before I could force him to tell me what had changed, he vanished. He left so quickly that I didn't have time to stop him before he disappeared. Stunned by his behavior, the air around me felt thick, and I couldn't breathe. How could I have thought I loved him? He didn't care enough to even talk to me after telling me such a horrible story. He said he made-up it all up, but there was no way it wasn't true. There's no way he could have faked the emotions he displayed.
I knew without a doubt that he had told me the truth about his family. I had no one to confirm he told me the truth. Jameson was the only one I could discuss this with, and he had left me… again.
Stop this foolishness, Blanche, I ordered myself.
I forced my eyes closed. Tomorrow, I would be Blanche Kingston Drygen. I was marrying the wealthiest single man in Starten.
You will build your empire, and you will never let anyone hurt you again, I thought, praying for sleep to consume me.
Chapter 7
Unlike yesterday's solitude, I knew today would be different. I would not be left alone. M
y instincts proved correct when our maid, Sofia, woke me with a cup of tea and some toast.
“Good morning, Miss Blanche,” she said, cheerily. “Mrs. Drygen would like for you to join her in the study after you have a bit to eat.”
“Did she say why I am being summoned? I have so much to do to get ready for the ceremony,” I protested.
“She did not send a message. She just insisted you join her after you eat.”
Taking a bite of the toast and a sip of the strong black tea, I sighed. My morning should have been spent preparing myself mentally to be a wife, not dealing with my mother's demands. I was not marrying my high school sweetheart like she did.
“Let's get this over with,” I muttered under my breath.
As I began to slip on my robe, Sofia stopped me. “I think it would be better if you dressed. Your mother is not alone.”
Flopping back down on my bed, I sighed again. “Who is with her?”
“I am not familiar with the gentlemen. I overheard your Mother call him Amaro, though.”
Amaro? Why did that name sound so familiar?
Only my mother would insist on doing business on my wedding day, I thought annoyed. Still, I quickly pulled my hair into a high ponytail, put on black eyeliner and painted my lips a deep burgundy. Wearing my customary business uniform of a black pencil skirt and fitted white blouse, I prepared myself to be the proper wife of a prominent business man.
Sofia opened the door of my bedroom for me. I stopped. “Wait,” I said. “Is Roger with them?”
“No, Mr. Kingston dropped off some papers for your mother early this morning, but he left promptly after. He was in a brilliant mood, Miss Blanche.”
Roger had charmed the staff already. I smiled at the thought of the joy he would bring to our home. I wondered if I should tell him about the magic, but quickly pushed the idea away. He would be safer if he was kept in the dark.
When I entered the study, my mother was standing near the fireplace. Her eyes sparkled as she threw her head back laughing at the man standing next to her.
Is she flirting? I wondered.