by Marnie Cate
“Of course, I forgive you. You are my husband, and I love you. I wish you would trust this,” I said, placing my hand over his wrist and squeezing it. “Now, send for Joanna to pack our things neatly. While this is being done, we will have a late breakfast on the patio before we leave. We can take the train, and have another honeymoon before we return to reality.”
Roger's eyes brightened. “I would love nothing more than having three days alone with you. `Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, But —' ”
“ `Never doubt I love',” I interrupted, completing the quote.
“I'll never again, Blanche. I will never again.”
Unlike Hamlet, he did have cause to doubt me. I had dishonored my vows to him, and I would again, if given the chance. The guilt inside me was strong, but I knew nothing would change. My frozen heart wanted everything it was never meant to have.
* * *
The train ride home was different than our first trip. The passionate honeymoon was definitely over. We fell into a comfortable routine, embracing the status of `married couple'. Without the distraction of Jameson, I remembered why I had fallen in love with Roger.
In the small enclosure, we were forced to spend time together. The result was positive as we formed a partnership. I knew I would never be the wife he deserved, but at least, we would be friends.
On the last day of the trip, Roger admitted he'd made a mistake. Initially excited about moving his printing press to Starten, he now thought it had been a bad idea. The small town seemed set in its ways, and his dreams of starting a town newspaper died before it started.
“Everyone seems to know what is going on before it even happens. It would have been wiser to leave it in Brighid's Landing and to have started something new in Starten.” He sounded defeated.
“You still could relocate it. My father used to say `there is no shame in trying, even when you fail',” I said.
“That would require me to travel. We would be apart, unless you came with me. I'd love to have you travel with me, but once we have children, that will no longer be an option.”
“We will cross that bridge when it comes,” I said, handing him a glass of iced tea.
“Do you want children, Blanche?” When I didn't immediately respond, he said, “I know you would be an amazing mother. What is your hesitation?”
“It will happen when it's supposed to,” I said, staring out the window at the passing landscape.
The closer we got to Starten, the more my tension grew. Everything would change. My mother would be hovering around us, eagerly asking how I was feeling and hoping I was pregnant. What if I didn't get pregnant? What if I did?
Abruptly, the train lurched. My internal crisis was silenced, and I felt a wave of nausea roll over me. The final hours of our honeymoon involved me retching in the extremely small bathroom. Roger tried to make it all better, which moved me.
“What can I get for you?” he asked, laying a cold washcloth on the back of my neck.
“I'll be fine,” I rasped. “It must have been our lunch mixed with the movement of the train. I think I am well enough for you to leave me now.”
“I'm not going anywhere. You look ghostly white.”
Peppermint tea, Jameson's voice whispered in my mind.
“You can get me peppermint tea,” I requested.
“Peppermint tea?”
“I will clean up, and then join you,” I said, sitting on the edge of the bathtub.
Roger smoothed my hair from my face. Gently, he lifted my hair and placed a cold, wet wash cloth on my neck. “This will help cool you down.” His warm, caring eyes stared into mine. “I think I should stay with you.”
“I took his hand and squeezed it. You are too sweet. I really feel much better. Please, tea will settle my stomach.” When he hesitated, I gently swatted at him. “Go on. I feel ridiculous.”
The corner of his mouth turned up in a small smile, and he started for the door.
“Don't be too long or I'll worry.”
When I was alone, I twisted my hair up into a bun and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and my cheeks were flushed. Filling the sink with cold water, I took a deep breath, and then submerged myself into the icy liquid. When I came back up for air, a hand towel was held out for me. I took it, and I felt the tingling sensation of Jameson's touch.
I quickly twisted the lock on the bathroom door before turning towards him. “What are you doing here?”
Jameson took the towel and began patting my face. Without speaking, he bent down and kissed me.
“No,” I hissed. “Roger is right out there, and I am sick.”
He wrapped his arms around me and murmured in my ear. “I don't care where he is, and no, my love, you are not sick. You are carrying my child.”
“You're insane,” I said, jerking away and going for the door.
His strong arms wrapped around my waist, and he held his hand on my stomach. “You can run, but you can't hide from the truth. My child is inside you.”
I gasped. I couldn't remember the last time I had my period. My cycle was so irregular I hadn't paid much attention. No. I couldn't be. No matter how badly I wanted to reject the idea, I couldn't deny the truth. The last time I had my period was a few weeks before the wedding.
Whipping around, I snapped, “Fine. I might be pregnant, but what makes you so sure it is yours?”
The smile faded from Jameson's face and his eyes narrowed at me. Breathing in slowly before he exhaled through clenched teeth, he said, “You sound like you want it to be his.”
“I don't want it to be anyone's. I don't want this. Why would I? She is going to steal my baby away.” I shoved past him and opened the door. What did it matter anymore? I was going to lose everything anyway. Why not begin today?
Leaving the bathroom, I found Roger waiting for me with a warm cup of tea. I played up my illness, and after taking a small sip, I excused myself to lie down. I had been on the bed for only a few minutes before Roger covered me with a soft blanket and kissed my cheek.
“I hate to see you feeling so unwell. Rest, my beauty. We will be home soon.”
Closing my eyes, I forced myself to think about the ocean. The soothing splash of the waves played over and over in my mind, drowning any dark thoughts that popped up. I had just fallen asleep when I was awoken by the train's whistle.
* * *
When we stepped off the train, the driver was waiting for us. I quickly slid into the car and closed my eyes. I would force myself to sleep again, and avoid Roger's questions about my health. Thankfully, my body listened and I drifted off.
“Wake up, Blanche. We are home,” Roger whispered, stroking my hair.
When I realized my head was lying in his lap and I was stretched out along the backseat of the car, I quickly sat up. “Why didn't you wake me? How embarrassing, to be draped across you like this.”
“You were sleeping so soundly. I was comfortable. What's the issue, Blanche?” Roger asked in a light tone.
“We are home now, Roger. We have an image to maintain,” I scolded.
“Pregnant women need a lot of sleep. It is expected –”
“What are you talking about? I'm not pregnant,” I snapped.
“Are you sure of this? I'm no doctor, but I've been around enough women to recognize the signs,” Roger replied. His eyes were hopeful.
Sighing, I said, “We have been on vacation. My entire life is full of being proper. I knew it would end, so I enjoyed it.”
“Ok, I won't bring it up again, but let's call Dr. Collins anyway,” he said, kissing my hand. “Put on a smile, your mother is watching us.”
Chapter 12
“Darling,” my mother cried as I stepped out of the car. “You look radiant.”
“Hello, Mother,” I replied, brushing past her and into the house.
“Don't run off. I want to hear all about your honeymoon, and then I want to show you how fantastic the renovations have tur
ned out,” she said enthusiastically.
“I told you she would forget about the letter,” I whispered.
“Everything arrived as expected?” Roger asked as he joined in on her excitement.
I didn't wait to hear her response. “I'm tired. Roger, let's sleep in my old suite tonight and see everything new tomorrow.” I walked away, focused on getting to my room, leaving them in the corridor behind me.
“Come back, Blanche,” my mother called after me.
I increased my pace. I did not want to talk about the possibility that I was pregnant. I stopped suddenly as I realize Roger might tell her. I slipped into the den to eavesdrop on their conversation. Would Roger tell her his suspicions? I cringed at the thought.
“What is going on? Did you do something to hurt my daughter?” Her voice dripped with venom.
“Of course not. I have kept my promise to you. She just hasn't been feeling well,” Roger answered softly.
My mother gasped. “Oh no, why didn't she tell me?”
For a moment, I thought she was going to come find me. I couldn't tell what her reaction was. Relief that soon Snowystra would have the baby she wanted or sadness for what we would lose? It was too late for me to go anywhere. If I left my hiding spot, I knew I'd be caught. I held my breath, waiting for her to come my way.
“Wait, Camille,” Roger called.
“Let go of me. I need to see my daughter,” my mother snarled. “If she's ill –”
“Stop. She's not sick. She's pregnant.”
Slipping back into the hallway, I rushed to my room. Roger had no right to tell her that I was pregnant. I didn't even know if I really was! I threw open my bedroom door, not stopping it from hitting the wall. Picking up a pillow from my bed, I screamed into it until I was hoarse. Then, I fell to my bed, and wept.
“What an unusual way to scream,” the dark voice of Snowystra purred.
Click. I heard the sound of my door shutting, followed by the sound of the door locking. I quickly stood up and moved to the patio door.
“Where are you going, Blanche?” she asked, walking towards me. Her eyes narrowed on me.
Like helpless prey, I waited for the attack to begin. “I was…I mean –” I stammered.
Her fingers wrapped around my wrist. In a lightning fast movement, she pulled me to her, and then spun me around, twisting my arm behind my back. She leaned in close to me, and her icy breath stung my ear. “Do you have good news for me yet?” Her frigid hand rested against my stomach. “Does my child grow inside you?”
Don't tell her. You can stop this, I thought.
Her magic pulsed through me. It felt as if thousands of ants were marching underneath my skin. Suddenly, she dropped her hold on me, and spun me around to face her.
Glaring at me, she snarled, “You do have life inside you. My sister's magic is encircling it.”
How could this be? Danu had taken my gift. The realization came to me. She had taken my gift, but not my child's. I struggled to keep my expression neutral as I murmured, “I did not know I was pregnant.
A frantic knocking sounded at the door, followed by Roger's voice. “Blanche, it is just me. Open the door, please. Sweetheart, are you all right? Please, let me in.”
Snowystra cupped my face between her hands. “You will take care to ensure nothing happens to my child, sweet girl.”
“After this, you will free me?” I asked with more confidence than I should have allowed. “You will take the child and our debt to you will be repaid?”
Slap. The back of her hand sounded as it struck my cheek. The stinging sensation of her assault turned icy cold, and frost began to form on my skin where she'd made contact. Instinctually, I reached up to touch it, and the crystals spread to my hand and up my arm.
“If the child is worthy of me, I will leave any further children in your care, but you will never be free of the debt owed.”
The click of the door unlocking made Snowystra smile. Was she going to stay here? Would I have to explain who she was, and what she wanted? As the door opened, she vanished, leaving me to face my husband alone. Roger entered the room, and rushed towards me with my mother not far behind. I shivered from the cold invading my body.
“Blanche, I haven't seen you in months. Why did you run off?” my mother scolded.
Her eyes fell to my hand, and her mouth gapped open. As she tried to recover, I barely shook my head at her. I needed her to hold back any questions she might want to ask. If she didn't, I knew I would lose control and burst into tears.
“Why did you lock the door?” Roger asked. “You knew we would be following.”
“Habit,” I replied, walking to the bathroom. I stopped at the entrance. “I will be locking this door, too.”
“Blanche, there is no need –” I raised my hand, silencing Roger.
“I would like to be left alone. We can talk tomorrow.” With those words, I closed the bathroom door, which I promptly locked.
Stripping off my clothes, I climbed into the bathtub and let the hot water cover me. I needed to remove the cold chill Snowystra had left behind.
“We will never be free,” I said, touching my stomach. I searched for signs of life inside me. “I don't feel you, yet, but I now I'm certain you are there. Let the elemental magic circle you, Little One, and keep yourself safe. I promise I'll find a way to save you from that monster. No matter what happens, I will not let her take you from me.”
“We will find a way,” Jameson words whispered into my mind. “I will save you both, my love. Trust me.”
* * *
When I finally return to the bedroom, Roger was sitting by the window, staring out into the starless night.
“Was this all a mistake? Were we foolish to think we would be able to make a happy life together?” he asked without looking at me.
I didn't know how to answer his question. I knew I would never have a happy life as long as Snowystra had control over us. I wanted to be honest with him. Tell him why I was so unhappy about having a child. Tell him that I couldn't love anything or anyone without the risk of losing them, but words eluded me. Instead, I stood silent.
“Is it because I am older than you? Do you wish you had married someone younger, like Simon Jackson? If it was his child, would you be pleased?”
The pain in his voice pierced me like a hot poker. Again, his insecurities returned, and again, I was to blame. No matter how much I loved him, he would always doubt it was true. I wanted to ease his mind, but there was no use. If he knew the truth, it would only cause him greater suffering.
“I was engaged to be married before,” he told me. “Catherine was the same age as me. If she hadn't died so young, I would not have wasted my youth. I would have married someone more appropriate.”
“You never spoke of this before,” I replied.
“There was no point. She was dead and gone before you were even born.” He raked his hand through his hair, sighing deeply. He looked as tired as his voice sounded. “I was a fool to think this would work.”
“Why must you always worry that I don't love you? Assume I want someone else?” It was my turn to sigh. “I won't do this forever, Roger.” I sat down at my vanity and began running the brush through my hair. “If you want out of the marriage, I am sure my mother could make it happen.”
I pretended I couldn't see him, but I saw him watching me through the mirror. My heart ached for the pain I was causing him. Even in the reflection, I could see how his brown eyes glistened with tears. I closed my eyes and forced myself to breathe.
With long sweeps, I continued to brush my hair. Something inside me felt different. In the center of my stomach, warmth began to slowly build. Is Danu's magic inside me at work? I was jolted from calming thoughts when I felt Roger's hand on mine. He took the brush from me, and began to pull it gently through my hair.
“I had no clue I might be pregnant, and you shared it with my mother before I could confirm it. Of all people, why would you tell my mother?” I asked.
Now, it was my turn to take the brush. Removing it from his hand, I set it down, and turned around to face him. “I'm sorry I overreacted. I want nothing more than to have your child. The doctor can come tomorrow, but I think it will be a wasted trip.”
“Oh, do you know for sure you are not pregnant?” The corner of his mouth turned down.
Standing up, I wrapped my arms around his neck, and said, “No, it will be a waste for him to confirm you are going to be a father since I am telling you right now.”
Picking me up, Roger spun me around laughing. “Once again, you have made me the happiest man in the world.”
I knew it was wrong to let him think we would have a happy life. What was I doing? He had already lost love once before, and now, he would lose a child. That wound would cut him deeper than any other. The cruelty I inflicted on him was too much for anyone to bear.
Chapter 13
Roger decided he would leave for work before eating breakfast. He insisted he would get all important matters handled, and then return to spend the day with me. He was in a magnificent mood, which only brightened further whenever the baby was mentioned.
“I'll hurry home so we can tour our suite together. I am sure we will want to make many changes now,” he said from the doorway. " I hope you don't mind, but I asked Dr. Collins to stop by."
“Good idea,” I said, kissing him. “Now go, so you can come back to me quicker.”
When I swatted at him playfully, he caught my hand. Drawing it to his mouth, he kissed it. “I won't be long,” he promised.
The door had barely closed when my mother came storming in. “When were you going to tell me you were pregnant? It has been nothing but chaos here while you were gone. You were only supposed to be gone one week, not almost two months.”
“Keeping track of time has never been your strong point, Mother. We were gone six weeks, but you know it was business that detained us. Roger wrote you, explaining the issue with the trains,” I said dismissively.