by Angela Ardis
I recently met someone who seems cool. We’re just kicking it. Neither one of us is looking for a relationship, so we’re just enjoying each other’s company and, of course, exploring the fuck-buddy experience. I live and work with my roommate, who is a very good friend. I’m maintaining myself and my existence with goals to rule the world, or at least to give it a large injection of my perspective. So, that pretty much sums me up in a nutshell. Hang in there, Tupacalac . I hope you like the pictures I’ve enclosed. We’ll, I’m going to end this now, but I will write you again soon.
Forever,
Angela
P.S. Remember midnight!
I couldn’t imagine what it feels like to be locked down, with one’s movements restricted to a cell. It must be maddening, especially for a Gemini. It’s like caging a hummingbird. Hummingbirds fly with such speed. They’re always on the go, always moving. The same is true for a Gemini: we need constant movement because our minds never rest. We’re always on the go. So, to cage such a spirit is criminal in itself. Part of me felt sorry for him, and part of me felt that there had to be some truth somewhere in the verdict. But where?
There was something about his wanting and pleas that triggered something inside of me. Even though I knew there were people who cared about him and were there for him, he seemed to also be reaching out to me for something. That something was peaking my curiosity when another letter addressed to Ms. Angela Lovely arrived.
I didn’t know what to expect from this letter. According to the date, it had passed my letter enroute. He hadn’t yet received my last letter or poem. I considered this correspondence a treat. So I took a shower, popped some popcorn, and, as I lay in my bed, took delight in reading it.
Dearest Angela,
It feels weird writing 2 u because I don’t really know you that well but 2 me it seems a friendship between the two of us started from out of this crazy situation could be real special. So if I’m writing u 2 much or I began 2 get too personal forgive me and let me know and it will all cease. I hope you can appreciate my honesty. I hope u can feel my sincere effort 2 get 2 know you as a friend and see what grows from that. Is this 2 much 2 ask from you? I haven’t received your second letter but I hope 2 hear from you real soon. I have at least a year to do so in this year Angela allow yourself to drop your inhibitions and come to me through the pages of your letters. Don’t just write pleasant polite things really reach out 4 me. I desire 2 know you like no one else has known you before. I want desperately 2 be your friend like a male friend but closer like the girlfriend you trust but not in the feminine sense just in the sense that you can learn 2 trust me and share your heart the bright spots and the dark spots. The angers and the passion. Can you feel me? or does this just sound like bullshit to you? Be honest. I know men in general can be real smooth & full of it but I hope by now you c I’m not like that at least in my heart it is not my intention 2 be that way. Even if you and I never do reach “the next level” I feel like I can be an asset to you. I can be someone you can confide in and trust. And because of where I am you know it’s not based on a physical thing. Here’s my proposition. We become intense pen pals for four to six months and then we begin to see each other that is if you don’t mind traveling to a correctional facility to see me and then by the time I am released we should have a strong bond between us. I would even wager to say one of the strongest bonds you’ve ever experienced. I want to know more about you in 1 year than your unfortunate ex-man knew in 5 years. Is that too much? Then by the time I’m free we can determine if it should either stay innocent & platonic or transpire into the physical. What do you think? Am I bugging? I hope not. You know jail make a nigga say some wild shit but to me I feel this in my heart so I’m just bringing it to you raw like this. It’s my attempt 2 show you how serious my intentions are. No promises or guarantees just hopes and fantasies. It’s all on you now. . .
I’m waiting!
LOVE
2PAC(signed)
P.S. Sorry this shit is so sloppy but hey I was on a role Send me another picture full body this time so I can see what you look like head to toe.
(4 Angela)
“4 THOSE NIGHTS WHEN U R ALONE”
by Tupac Shakur
U ever share your soul with a stranger
Only to realize he was a long lost friend?
Ever talk 2 a man like u talk with a woman
And share what you can’t with other men?
Can u picture your love being given
2 a criminal stuck in this hell
Can u promise 2 hold off from judging him
Until the day when you really know him well
Can u close your eyes and imagine
If everything went right
The power of passion finally possessed
After all those sleepless nights
I bet u think I’m gaming you
Just like all the men in your past
Cuz’ all of them promised u heaven on earth
But none of them seem 2 last
AFTER ALL, WHAT CAN I OFFER U?
Besides Lonely Nights & Sweet words
Promises of pleasures to come
And lines you’ve already heard
All I can say is have faith in me
And in time maybe you’ll come 2 c
The definition and true meaning
Of FRIENDSHIP can be discovered in me
(written exclusively 4 Angela from Tupac Shakur)
P.S. Angie, This is but a small but sincere token of my intentions 4 u Hope u like it It is the only one of it’s kind That’s on everything I love! No bullshit!
(P.S. Again) What the hell is your last name?
LOVE
Tupac Shakur(signed)
This was a gift—a part of himself—that Tupac was giving me. I feel that poetry is an extension of one’s heart and mind. I definitely felt Tupac now.
Tupac,
I am definitely receiving your letters, and I hope you get this one, since you haven’t gotten any of the other ones that I’ve sent. What in the hell are they doing up there with your mail? Eating it? Don’t worry. You are not writing me too much, and you can get as personal as you’d like. I’m fine with that.
I was extremely touched by your letter and the poem, “4 Those Nights When You are Alone.” I haven’t received poetry from a man since junior high school, and I love poetry. I’ll enclose a poem to you. I write a lot of poems and short stories. I’m even working on a book (it’s erotic, though). I can write erotic stuff all day, but I don’t want it to be so explicit that a normal bookstore won’t sell it. Therefore, I’m toning it down.
I don’t want you to worry about me thinking that you’re bullshitting me because my trust in you will take time to grow. I at least know that you’re not saying these things to get in my pants because you can’t (not trying to sound harsh). So I feel you are extending yourself to me, and I accept what you are offering. This will be a special relationship because I’ve never really had a mental one before. You know, you meet guys, and there is a level, but when it boils down to it, they only want the sex, and that is first and foremost. So, a lot of what they say in conversation you have to ignore because they are gaming. Every female should know that, and if they don’t . . . well, I do. A lot of men are full of shit. You’re right. Hopefully, you won’t be part of that group.
I always speak what’s on my mind, so if I ever offend you, please let me know. But I can’t sit around and bullshit people either. I don’t believe in surface relationships on any level, friend or otherwise. If it can’t be real, then it might as well not be. Who has time to go through a motion for the hell of it? This is going to be cool. But I have one request, too. If I open up, then you also have to open up. Can you do that? think you can.
Stay Strong,
Angela
Query
(Written exclusively for Tupac Shakur from Angela)
Can I trust my soul to a stranger?
Someone I hope is going to be
a true friend
Can I tell him my sweet secrets?
The ones I can’t share with any man
Thoughts of giving my love to someone
Whose mistakes have him stuck in hell
I refuse to judge him from others
I have the opportunity to know him well
I often close my eyes and imagine
When everything is right
The chemistry unleashed between us two
Sparks flying, dim the lights
Skeptical of him on the gaming tip
All men do it so well
No promises needed, no guarantees wanted
Truly time will tell
“After all, what can I offer you?”
Besides pleasant smells and my thoughts
Pictures of wonderment, of if it’s all-real
An illusion I am not
All I can say is hang in there
And in the future you will feel
The true, deep meaning of Friendship
In your heart, through your soul, it’s real.
I hadn’t shared any more information with anyone at the office since the first letter—except, of course, with my roommate. It had become something else to me, and to show the letters around the office every time one came seemed like an invasion of our unification. We were about to share an intimacy that many people don’t have an opportunity to share. It was going to be 100 percent mental. In addition, he was Tupac Shakur, and with that came a certain need to be confidential.
Chapter 5
OUR LETTERS CROSS
Dearest Angela
How are you? I still haven’t received a second letter from you but in my heart I believe it is due to my constant moves in the penile system. I have been moved once again to a Maximum Security Penitentiary this time. Clinton Correctional Facility. Hopefully if you have written me it will eventually follow me here. I hate 2 complain but this shit is barbaric. I refused to go into the protective custody unit so to punish me the administration has placed me in involuntary P.C., which is worse. They won’t let me shower or use the phone. Shit is rough but as usual I have faith that God has not brought me this far 2 drop me off in hell. Can you feel me? I miss looking at your picture and smelling your scent. I don’t know why but I’m constantly thinking of you, wondering what your doing and who you’re doing it with ! I know I have no right 2 be so inquisitive about your whereabouts but what can I say, a nigga miss u! That shit feels and sounds so crazy to say and actually know that I miss u and I’ve never met u, but I do Angela. You’d be surprised how much I got from our two-minute conversation that seems like so long ago. Your sense of humor, your soft voice and most of all your promise 2 come visit me while I’m locked down. I hope you haven’t changed your mind ! I hope my instincts about you are right if not then I’m playing myself in a major way but shit life ain’t much without a little risk and danger. So I’m reaching out 2 u, 4 u and I hope you reach back. Don’t let this time and distance scare you if it’s real it will endure all things. If not, then at worst I’m showing you the inside of a real and true brotha’s heart and maybe in the future it will serve you in some positive method. In here I’m learning 2 face things that I thought I experienced before but I c now that I have not. Things like LONLINESS! And from that I’m hoping you can save me. So what u think. Write me love I need 2 hear from u. Send it to me Fed ex so a nigga don’t have to wait so long. Again I miss u. I mean that. You like how I just made up a last name 4 u right. It seems to fit. Angela Lovely.
Constantly,
Tupac A Shakur (signature)
P.S. ONE of my “fellow inmates” drew this envelope up 4 me in exchange of an autograph. What do you think. Good deal or what!
Take good care of yourself
Settle for nothing less than the best
In my eyes u deserve it!
One Love
2PAC (signed)
HOPING YOU CAN FEEL ME!
I sit alone and think of u, hoping you can hear me
If I close my eyes before I sleep I can see you clearly
Even where I am now, where everything is dark
I can feel you here beside me tugging at my heart
Anxiously I wait 2 hear a precious word or 2
Something 2 let me know you feel me as much as I feel u
I take the blame and apologize 4 these nights that I’ve denied you
But this gives me time 2 love your mind before I lay beside you
Let me take away your pain, wipe your tearz and guide u
Let’s make love with pen and paper before I come inside u
I hope my words don’t sound 2 strong but passion has no fear
Each breath I breathe is ecstasy that builds up through the year
There is no cure 4 what I feel It’s just the pain that ails me
No prescription from the doctors’ modern medicine has failed me
And I know this is a lot 2 take but I mean each word sincerely
These hungry letters, sent with passion, Hoping u can feel me
All My Heart,
Tupac A Shakur (signature)
“He still isn’t getting my letters,” I told my roommate.
“Why?”
“I don’t know! If they would stop moving him all over the damn place, then he would get ’em!”
“Where’d they move him now?”
“Somewhere called Clinton Correctional Facility in upstate New York. Do you think they’ll forward all the mail I’ve sent? He doesn’t think I’m writing him. He’s still talking about our two-minute conversation.”
“Well, at least he’s still writing,” she said.
“But he probably feels like he’s writing to himself.”
“Well, all you can do is keep writing him until one of your letters gets to him.”
I lay across my bed wondering what he was doing. I thought about how alone he probably felt, and how hopeless it seemed that he would ever receive one of my letters. Tanya was right. All I could do was continue to write him and hope that one day they would give him his mail. I turned over, laughing at the thought of him wondering about me. He wants me to save him from the loneliness inside his cell. How?
Tupac,
What in the hell is going on with the mail up there? I’ve been writing you and sending you poetry, and you’re not getting anything? They’re going to make me come up there and distribute the mail myself. Are you on a punishment or something ? They’re probably just messing with you. Don’t worry. I have faith that they’ll get you my letters—or somebody’s letter—soon. I got yours, and I’m kinda surprised that you miss me, but it’s nice. It’s funny because I find myself racing to the mailbox every day, looking for a letter from you, and I am actually disappointed when I don‘t get one. I don’t know you either, but I think about you a lot, too, and feel that there is a definite connection. And no, I haven’t changed my mind about coming to visit. Time will take care of that.
I just want to let you know that I think you are incredibly talented on many levels and that you seem to be a very compassionate individual. I’m deducing this from your letters, not from the media. But I’m sure that the majority of what I’m saying you already know. The question is, do you believe it? We are both a Gemini, so I know what we are capable of on a grand scale. I also know what some of our biggest weaknesses are, and how believing in ourselves is one of the biggest. It seems we never really feel like we’re good enough or talented enough. So just in case you don’t know, I’m telling you that you are. Nevertheless, I have a feeling that you are quite aware of this , or at least believe your own hype enough to project awareness.
I hope they give you my letters, so we can really start communicating. I’ll keep hope alive and will continue to write, and maybe—just maybe—one day you’ll get one of these letters.
Get at me!
Angela
P.S. I hope you like my poem!