by J. Daniels
I hit ignore for the second time tonight.
“I PAID FOR MY MISTAKES, Ben. I know what I did was unforgivable . . . but he’s my son. I want to see him. I have every right to see him. You can’t keep Nolan from me. And ignoring my calls? Really? Answer your damn phone. This isn’t . . .”
“Ben?”
Hearing the voice behind me, I cut off my second listen of Angie’s voicemail and lower my hand, clutching my phone and keeping my back to Mia as I try and work this bullshit out in my head.
Truth is, I don’t want to work it out. I knew this day would come, and I’m not ready for it. I’ll never be ready for it.
I feel Mia’s tits press against my back. Her hands wrap around my waist.
“Babe?”
“Angie’s out. She wants to see Nolan.”
Mia tenses, the muscles in her arms going stiff. “What?” she whispers. Her hands slowly leave my body. “Why is she out already? I thought she was supposed to get four years?”
“Good behavior,” I mumble, spinning around.
I toss my phone on the bed behind Mia and rub at my face, my breath blowing hot against my palms.
“Good fucking behavior. It doesn’t matter that she could’ve killed Nolan. That she could’ve taken my son from me. No, she’s been playing nice with the guards and doing a real good job cleaning toilets. Let’s let her out early. She fucking deserves it.”
I start pacing the room.
That night three years ago when I got the call from Rollins plays back in my mind. It stings like a fresh wound, pitting deep in my chest. I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget how scared I was for Nolan and the unforgiving rage I felt for his mother, seeing her in the back of that squad car crying and begging for compassion, spouting her excuses to me, trying to justify shit. I didn’t want to hear her fucked up reasoning for driving drunk and high with my son in the car—blaming me. Saying I gave up on us.
She could’ve killed Nolan, and she wanted my understanding? My empathy?
Fuck her. I will never forgive that bitch. She thinks she paid for her mistakes? She thinks I owe her time with my son? I don’t owe her shit.
“What does this mean? You have full custody. Do you have to let her see him?”
I grip the base of my neck. “I don’t know. Technically, when one parent has full custody, the other has visitation. You work it out together. If you can’t, you go to court. That’s what happened when Nolan was born. Angie got full custody.”
What a fucking joke that was. She should’ve never had custody of Nolan. Never did anything with him. Never paid him any attention when he was in her care. She acted uninterested in being his mother half the time, and the other half she spent keeping my time with him as limited as possible.
“Yeah,” Mia whispers. “But this is different, Ben. She put Nolan in danger. How can they let her have any time with him?”
“Because she’s the mom. They could grant her visitation based solely on that. Maybe supervised. Maybe not. I don’t know, Mia. The only cases I know about where one parent doesn’t get any visitation with their kid at all is if there’s been a history of sexual or physical abuse. Something that extreme. I don’t know if Angie’s mistake would prevent her from getting to see Nolan. It fucking should, but if we go to court a judge could favor against me. I don’t want to risk that. There is no way in hell I’ll ever leave her alone with him. Court ordered or not, that cunt isn’t getting any privileges.”
She’s not taking my son from me. From Mia. I don’t care what I have to do. I won’t let that happen.
This is his home. His family. She doesn’t deserve to know him.
The boys scamper into the bedroom, chasing after each other and laughing.
It stops my pacing.
I look up at Mia and see the worry in her eyes, the tears building there and threatening to fall as she keeps her gaze lowered.
She doesn’t even react to the commotion in front of her.
Fuck. I’m making this all about me. I’m forgetting how much this affects her too.
Chase squeals, following a giggling Nolan out of the room and back down the hallway. Their laughter fades. I watch as Mia turns and picks my phone up off the bed and walks it over. She presses it into my hand.
“Mia.”
“You need to call her,” she says quietly, blinking and sending a tear down her face. “You have to, Ben. Work this out somehow. I’m afraid if you don’t she’ll just stop over here. I don’t want her confusing Nolan like that. It’s not fair to him.”
I grit my teeth.
I know Mia’s right. Angie can and will stop over here if I don’t deal with this. She’ll eventually stop calling and seek me out another way. I need to handle this shit now, but my only real concern at the moment is standing right in front of me.
I lift Mia’s chin, forcing her to look at me.
“What are you thinking, Angel? Talk to me.”
She shakes her head slightly. Her breath bursts against my wrist.
“They’re selfish.”
“What are?”
“My thoughts. What I’m thinking. What if Nolan chooses her over me? What if he wants her to be his mommy again? I know he has that right. Angie’s always had that claim to Nolan, but he’s my son, Ben.” Her chin wobbles. Another tear wets her cheek. “He’s my son.”
Her soft voice breaks, and it kills me. Seeing this woman, my salvation and the best thing to happen to Nolan worry that she’ll lose him to someone who doesn’t deserve any right to him. It fucking kills me.
I hold her cheek. “You are more of a mother to Nolan than she ever was. Everyone sees that. Nolan sees it. He would never choose her over you.”
“You don’t know that,” she softly replies, pulling back out of my grip and moving away.
“Baby.”
She looks at the phone in my hand while wiping at her face, trying to compose herself as fresh tears brim her eyes. “Call her. Set something up and take Nolan over there.”
I move toward her. “We’ll do it together.”
“No.” She shakes her head, halting me.
My eyes go wide.
No?
“I don’t think I can,” she says, holding my gaze but looking like she’s struggling to give me this honesty. Looking like she’s scared to acknowledge it.
Mia isn’t the type of person to put her needs before anyone else’s. She’s always thinking about me and the boys first, herself last. I know this is killing her. She doesn’t want to recognize her fear, but she is, and she’s looking like she hates herself for feeling it.
“Just do it, Ben, okay? Please? Don’t ask me to go.”
I swallow thickly as Mia leaves the room.
Collapsing onto the bed, I stare at the phone in my hand, pull up my missed calls, and hit dial, fueled by one thing driving me to do this. The only reason I’ll ever have.
My wife.
“Ben?”
My free hand makes a fist at the sound of Angie’s voice.
“Listen, and listen good, ‘cause I’m only saying this once. I’ll bring Nolan over to see you, but it’s going to be on my terms. When, for how long, what the fuck you two talk about. All of it. Every time he sees you will be on my terms, and that’s only if he wants to see you. I’m not forcing my son to spend time with someone who gave up every right to him three years ago. You didn’t just make a mistake, Angie. And you sure as fuck don’t have any claim to Nolan anymore. Don’t feed me that bullshit again. You hear me?”
“Y-Yeah,” she stutters. “I hear you. But Ben . . .”
“But nothing. You think you paid for this? You think spending three years in jail erases what you did? It doesn’t. You could’ve killed him. I don’t give a shit how long you spent locked up. I don’t care if you never see my son again. And if I’m being perfectly fucking honest, if this was up to me and I wasn’t worried about making the woman I love happy, you wouldn’t be spending any time with Nolan. Judge or no judge, I will always do
what’s right by my kid. I will always protect him. And keeping him far away from you is the best thing for him.”
There’s a short pause, then Angie’s meek voice finally comes through the phone. “I’m sorry. I am. I know I fucked up. I . . .”
“I’ll bring him over when I get off tomorrow. Where are you staying?”
She sniffles. “My sister’s house. 85 Lakely Circle. By the mall.”
“Fine. Don’t expect this to be some sort of reunion. We’re staying for a couple minutes and then I’m taking him home to his family. If he’s not comfortable, or if he wants to leave before that, we’re gone. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
I end the call.
Staying hunched over, my elbows resting on my knees, I close my eyes and fill my lungs with air, releasing it slowly. I repeat this until the tightness in my shoulders subsides.
Mia doesn’t think she can handle this tomorrow. I won’t force her to go, but I know my son. I know how much he adores Mia. How much he has since they first met. Their connection was immediate. Undeniable, like the one I have to her. She was always meant to be his mother. And she’s worried she’s going to lose him to a woman he never had a relationship with. To a woman who never deserved to know him.
I roll my neck, opening my eyes and staring at my phone.
We need some time together. Fuck the past two months and this bullshit. Mia shouldn’t be worrying about anything.
I pull up my contacts and dial Tessa. It rings once.
“Your wife already called me,” she answers, confirming what I had been thinking. “I can’t believe that bitch is out of jail already. You call her back?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Yeah. I’m taking Nolan over there tomorrow. I just want to get this over with.”
“I don’t blame you. But if you ask me, she doesn’t deserve to see him. She doesn’t deserve anything besides being a fuck doll for the scariest bitch in D block.”
I almost laugh. If I wasn’t consumed by this, by Nolan’s possible reaction to seeing Angie tomorrow and Mia’s worry I’m taking on as my own, I might’ve.
“Listen, I’m not calling to talk about Angie. I need a favor.”
“What? Oh, and I have something for you. It’s not important or anything.”
Standing from the bed, I move to the doorway and peer into the hall, making sure I’m alone. “What is it?”
“It’s just something I think you’ll want to have,” she says teasingly. “A little memento. I’ll give it to you next time I see you.”
I don’t have time to play Tessa’s games. Mia could come down the hall at any second.
“Fine. Look, I need to get away with Mia. Just us. I want to do something for her. If I can get the villa a couple of days early and take extra leave, will you and Luke watch the boys and bring them down for the wedding?”
I have no idea if I’m going to be able to pull this off. Requesting last minute leave is one thing. I can beg Captain for that and promise to pull a few doubles to make up for it. Getting the villa a day or two in advance might be impossible. It’s the beginning of the summer. A lot of people are taking vacation now. The resort could be booked up, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try my hardest to make this happen. Pay anything. Any amount, I don’t give a shit. She needs this.
We fucking need this.
“You want to take my best friend on a mini romantic getaway? One she absolutely, one-hundred percent deserves?”
I smile, moving out of the doorway and grabbing the itinerary for the resort out of Mia’s nightstand. I find the phone number on the bottom of the page.
“Fuck, yeah.”
“Good. Make it happen.”
Mia
“ARE YOU A WHEAL PWINCESS?”
I smile at my first memory of Nolan as I sit on the stairs leading up to the deck, watching the boys dig around with their shovels in the sandbox Reed built them.
I’m being selfish. I know I am. Instead of seeing the positive side of this, Nolan getting two moms who will love him endlessly, I’m looking at it as a loss for me. My time with him is going to be taken from me. I’ll have to share my son with someone else, someone who has more of a right to him than I ever will. Or¸ in my worst possible scenario, I could lose Nolan completely if he wants Angie to be his only mommy again.
My throat constricts.
God, will he? Are my worries even justified? I feel like I could be overreacting, but I don’t want to be unprepared for the possibility of Nolan making that choice.
Three years ago, I met my son. This beautiful gray-eyed boy, with dimples and wild brown hair. I loved Nolan from the moment he woke me up, his sweet face so close to mine, studying me and running his finger down my nose, talking about kissing me awake in his little raspy voice. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen, with his sword and his dragon embroidered attire. He looked just like Ben. He still does. And seeing Nolan with his dad? Well, that pretty much sealed the deal for me.
Fighting my affection for Ben was impossible after that.
Nolan started calling me Mommy pretty soon after Ben and I got engaged. It was such a natural transition for him. One day I was Princess Mia, the next day I was Mommy.
Like a flip of a switch.
He didn’t make a big deal about it. He didn’t announce the idea or give anyone a heads up. He didn’t discuss it with Ben. Nolan made a decision and went for it, waking me up with a ‘Mommy, I’m hungry’, and asking me for pancakes while he jumped on the bed.
I cried for a solid hour after hearing that.
I know in my heart I was always meant to be Nolan’s mommy. He was my son before I met him. That won’t change no matter what comes of Angie wanting back in his life.
But I’m scared. I can’t help it.
I’m worried Nolan will revert back to seeing me as Ben’s and not his.
I’m worried he’ll go to Angie for things he normally comes to me for.
I’m worried he’ll want to start calling me Mia again.
God, how will I handle hearing that? The thought coils my stomach.
I wipe at my eyes, willing myself to stop making this about me. I’ll support Nolan no matter what decision he makes. And if I need to cry, he won’t see it. I will never make him feel guilty.
Only love. That is all he will ever get from me.
Chase squeals, kicking his legs out and laughing when Nolan dumps a bucket of sand on his feet. Nolan repeats the action. He loves making his brother laugh.
My two boys. They’re so close. They have been since Chase was a baby. I can’t help but wonder how this development with Angie will affect them. They’ve never spent more than a couple of hours apart.
If Nolan goes back to spending days at a time with Angie, how much will they mourn each other? Chase won’t understand it. And Nolan . . . I just can’t see him being okay with leaving his best friend like that. He adores his brother.
“Chasey, watch!” Nolan drops down to his knees in the sand and falls over, doing a belly flop on the miniature castle he just constructed. “I’m the new king! And I’m gonna build a bigger castle on these lands! With a moat!”
Chase toddles over to Nolan and collapses next to him, laughing and yelling his little, “Na Na”, trying his hardest to say his brother’s name.
“Chasey, say Nolan. Nolllan. Like this. Watch me. Nolllan.”
“Na Na.”
“Nolllannn.”
“Na.”
“Chasey! You’re killing me!”
I giggle, resting my chin on my fist, watching the two of them play and laugh together.
God, why did this have to happen now? I thought we had another year until I had to worry about Angie dividing our family.
I can’t deal with this. Nolan and Chase shouldn’t have to deal with this. She can’t just . . .
Heavy footsteps behind me draw my attention off of the boys and over my shoulder.
Ben descends the stairs, his head lifted as he looks out into
the yard. The hint of a smile on his lips.
He loves seeing Nolan and Chase play together. I know he missed that a lot the past two months.
He claims the spot next to me on the step, leaning forward and resting his thick forearms on his knees, pressing the side of his body into mine.
“You were on the phone a while,” I say, my voice so quiet I barely hear it over the worrying thoughts corroding my mind. “Did she have a lot to say?”
“No.”
His brief and exceptionally vague response peaks my attention.
My eyes narrow in on the smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth as he watches the boys. “What . . . Why do you look like that?”
He turns his head. “Like what?”
“Like you are hiding something from me.” I frown. My shoulders drop a little. “Ben, what’s going on?”
Christ, what now? And why would any part of this be amusing?
He grabs my hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing the back of it. “I’m taking Nolan over there tomorrow after I get off work. Their visit will be brief. Angie knows that. I don’t know if she had a lot to say or not. I said my piece and hung up.”
Confused, I stare at him. “Okay.”
He laughs a little. “I’m not fighting a grin ‘cause of that, Angel. Believe me. I don’t want to deal with this shit. I’d rather keep Nolan away from Angie, but I know this will keep things more amicable and in the end, it’ll only benefit us. I’m sorry. Don’t think I’m happy about anything involving her. I have other things on my mind I’m thinking about. Things involving you and me. I’m excited. I can’t help it.”
I blink.
He’s excited? Things involving him and me? What things? I want to be excited about something.
Leaning into his shoulder, I glare at him, pursing my lips and fighting my own smile. “Care to share, Officer?”
“That would ruin the surprise, wouldn’t it?”
“It’s a surprise?”
He grins. Those two massive dimples appear.
I exhale sharply.
Sheesh. How are dimples even sexy? They’re supposed to be cute. A quirky abnormality. But on Ben, they’re downright lethal. Dangerously alluring. I can barely think straight when he smiles at me like this.