by Andy Stanton
In he went. The sea began to boil up all around him as layer after layer of dirt finally met its arch enemy – water. Monsieur Bellybutton coughed and choked and hiccuped but to no avail. The dirt was losing and at long last, after all those years, the world was free of his atrocious fragrance. A vast wave full of laughing starfish and seahorses swept him up and carried him all the way back to Paris, and never did he hassle anybody again but instead he became the loveliest grandfather you could imagine, and he knew stories and songs about happy happy mice.
But never mind that now, because Polly and Alan Taylor were rowing back to land with the defeated robbers mumbling and moaning at their feet. As they approached the shore they saw an excited figure hobbling over the rocks and shouting:
‘THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE! THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE! THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE! THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE! THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE!’
‘Do you think that’s Friday?’ asked Alan Taylor.
‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ said Polly, who knew her friend well.
And indeed it was he. As soon as the boat reached land, the heroes all ran up to give him ‘friendship medals’, which means hugs.
‘Careful!’ cautioned Friday as they hugged away. ‘I’m still in pain.’
And seeing Friday’s brave legs all covered in blisters, Polly suddenly fell silent to remember what he’d been through – stinging nettles. Big ones.
And so the heroes made their way back up Hangman’s Leap with Mr Gum and Billy William tied firmly to Jake’s furry back. When finally they reached the top of the cliff Alan Taylor cleared his throat to make a speech and also to get rid of a whelk that had got in there.
‘Polly,’ he began, ‘if it weren’t for you I never would have discovered the true meaning of friendship.’
‘Eh?’ said Polly in surprise.
‘It’s true,’ said Alan Taylor, holding up a small shiny object for all to see. ‘For you gave me this fifty pence piece, though it was all the money you had in the world. And as I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself I realised it is friendship that is important in life, not money.’
He handed Polly back her coin and then continued.
‘Now,’ he speeched. ‘Time to do something I should have done a long time ago. This –’ he said, holding up the biscuit tin, ‘this has brought me only misery and it’s stopped me from seeing what true friends are, and things like that.’
And before anyone could stop him he took the lid off the tin and flung its contents into the wind. Everyone watched in awe as the money tumbled out and went flying over the ocean like expensive seagulls.
All those millions. It seemed to take forever but eventually Alan Taylor was left with an empty biscuit tin – and something else. For a moment Polly couldn’t think what it was but then she understood.
Why, she thought, I never once seen him smilin’ before! Not a proper smile from the heart.
For a great burden seemed to have fallen from Alan Taylor’s shoulders. As the sun came out, he grinned from ear to ear and he looked to Polly like the richest man alive.
Chapter 10
The Spirit of the Rainbow
All of a sudden Mr Gum and Billy William started straining at their ropes and trying to escape, their faces pale with fright.
‘It’s h-him,’ stuttered Mr Gum, pointing to a great haystack he could have sworn hadn’t been there a moment earlier. A little boy was climbing out of it, laughing with delight, and as he approached the last of the clouds seemed to disappear from the sky.
And now, a lovely warm feeling came over Polly as if someone were baking lasagne in her veins. She felt that all the wrongs of the world would be righted and all the rights of the world would carry on being right and perhaps become even more right somehow. She looked at Alan Taylor and Friday and saw they felt it too.
‘Spirit of the Rainbow!’ laughed Polly, clapping her hands. ‘Can it really be you?’
‘Yes, child,’ he said, though he was no older than she. ‘You and your friends have done well and learned lessons. Once more the world is glowing with happy colours.’
‘Sir, we have never met before,’ said Alan Taylor with a respectful bow. ‘Yet you seem familiar, as if I have seen you in brief moments of happiness.’
‘It may be so,’ replied the Spirit of the Rainbow with his honest mouth. ‘For whenever a baby dribbles with joy, I am there. Whenever a cat jumps into a cardboard box and makes everyone laugh, I am there. Whenever someone blows a bubble and it rises on the wind and doesn’t pop for ages, I am there. And now, old man,’ he said, turning to Friday, ‘look around this cliff top for I believe there are plants of healing to be found which will ease your wounded legs.’
Looking around Friday saw a clump of enormous green dock leaves which he could have sworn hadn’t been there a moment earlier. He rubbed them on his legs and instantly the angry white blisters were gone and his legs were better than ever and not so hairy.
Then the Spirit of the Rainbow turned to address the robbers.
‘Robbers,’ he began earnestly, ‘when will you realise that the world is a place of harmony and getting along with people? For your greed has undone you and now –’
‘Spirit!’called a voice from over the hills. ‘Come on or we’ll be late!’
‘Oops,’ said the Spirit of the Rainbow, looking at his watch. ‘I’ve gotta go or my Mum’ll kill me. We’re visting my Aunt.’
And he chucked them a handful of fruit chews and off he ran.
It was a long walk back to Lamonic Bibber but it was a happy one. Friday got out his favourite flute and played a march called ‘The Captain of the Ants’ and Alan Taylor surprised everyone by pointing out features of the landscape and teaching them about the natural world as they went.
‘See that?’ he said, pointing to a rock. ‘That is a rock. And those colourful things over there? They are known as flowers.’
‘Why, you’re a changed man,’ said Friday in wonder.
‘Yes, I love learning and education,’ said Alan Taylor. ‘All that money made me forget how much I REALLY have to offer the world.’
But here’s the thing. In all the fun and learning Mr Gum and Billy William were forgotten and they managed to escape by sawing through the ropes with their sharp fingernails.
‘Let’s get out of here, Caterpillar Joe,’ whispered Mr Gum and off they tiptoed in their hobnail boots. And where they went nobody knows but the wind.
Chapter 11
The Festival of the Leaves
It was nearly sunset when the heroes finally reached Lamonic Bibber once more.
‘Look,’ said Polly happily. All the good people of the town were out on the streets, rejoicing and waving flags and playing kiss chase. And the town square was full of long wooden benches laden with food.
‘There seems to be a feast going on,’ said Alan Taylor.
‘Not just any feast,’ remarked Friday. ‘Today must be the first day of autumn. It’s the Festival of the Leaves!’
‘Oh, I forgot all about the Festival of the Leaves!’ said Polly. ‘I loves it so!’
‘It’s true,’ announced the warm voice of David Casserole, the town mayor. ‘Look, the first leaf fell today. Who shall be this year’s King of Autumn?’ he challenged, holding up the little golden leaf.
‘The Biscuit Billionaire!’ responded the crowd. ‘The Biscuit Billionaire! Now that he’s got his money back we can have funfairs again!’
‘No,’ said Alan Taylor, climbing on to Friday’s head for more speech action. ‘I’m no longer a rich man,’ he told the crowd. ‘But if you can find it in your hearts to love me for who I am, I will turn my mansion into a school called Saint Pterodactyl’s School For The Poor and I will teach all the poor children and orphans about education and learning. And no one will tease anyone there or call each other bad names,’ he added firmly.
‘Fair enough!’ shouted the crowd.
‘You are truly our King of Autumn!’ boomed David Casserole
, pinning the leaf on to Alan Taylor’s chest whilst pretty ladies crowned him with acorns and conkers. And Alan Taylor grinned happily as he led the townsfolk in a merry jig, for finally he had been accepted.
Well, there wasn’t much to say after all that. It was a time for feasts and rejoicing. Friday played the piano that stood in the town square and Old Granny fell over from too much sherry and everyone saw the weird veins in her old legs, and Jonathan Ripples found a red notebook a-lying on the ground. He turned to the front page and read:
That fatty Ripples thinks he’s so clever but I’ll have the last laugh!
‘Hmm,’ he frowned, chewing on a roast ox leg, ‘I recognise this handwriting.’
He found Martin Launderette cowering behind a lamp post and took him to one side.
‘Martin,’ he said, holding up the notebook, ‘this isn’t very nice.’
‘I know,’ said Martin Launderette, with a sigh. ‘I’m ashamed of myself.’
‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to sit on you now to teach you a lesson,’ said Jonathan Ripples sadly. ‘This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.’
But how wrong can you be? It didn’t hurt Jonathan Ripples one bit.
By midnight the partying and feasting was dying down and the stars hung friendly in the sky. Polly sat with her companions in the shadowy square, tired but happy. Jake was licking up spilt ox gravy, Alan Taylor lay contentedly in a heap of leaves and Friday was strumming quietly on a blue guitar.
As he strummed, someone appeared at the far end of the town square. It was Mrs Lovely, who ran the sweet shop, and not only that, she was Friday’s wife too.
‘Mrs Lovely!’ cried Friday, and dropping his guitar he swept her up in his lovey dovey arms and everyone went ‘aaaaaaaah’.
‘Mrs Lovely, where you been all this time?’ asked Polly.
‘Away in the mountains, gathering secret herbs for my sweets,’ she trilled. ‘Did I miss anything?’
And a shooting star shot by like a cornflake falling out of God’s breakfast, and the Man in the Moon tried to eat it but he missed. And the heroic friends sat in the old town square wondering what adventures they’d have next and Friday stuck a breadstick up his nose to impress everyone and it broke off and the crumbs went down his throat and made him cough a bit.
And then, just when he thought he couldn’t possibly be any happier, Alan Taylor gasped in astonishment. For I am no longer made of gingerbread! he thought. At last I am a real man!
Then he took a closer look at himself and realised he had made a mistake. ‘Oh,’ he sighed. ‘I’m still a gingerbread man with electric muscles after all. Well, never mind. Everything else worked out OK.’
THE END
HELLO.
Here’s what. You might think you know everything there is to know about Lamonic Bibber and the townsfolk who live there. But do you really? Do you? DO YOU?
No! No! NO! You do not. So stop showing off.
You see, there is always more to learn about those crazy old townsfolk and that is why we proudly present . . .
Polly’s Favourite Ever Books, shut up cos it’s true
1 ‘The Shark Who Lived On The Moon’ by Greg Kingsley
2 ‘Cobbler Wins The Prizes’ by Mimsy Rogers
3 ‘Help, I’m A Moron’ by Timothy Face
4 ‘Come Back, Burpy Jenkins!’ by Samantha Brown
5 ‘My Life As A Tangerine’ by Eric P. Madman
6 ‘Dinkles, The World’s Fattest Parrot’ by Reg Webb
7 ‘The Mystery Of The Mysterious Mystery’ by Janet Zigzag
8 ‘Cobbler Meets The Poo Rabbits’ by Mimsy Rogers
9 ‘Herzog’ by Saul Bellow
10 ‘You Can Do It, Cobbler!’ by Mimsy Rogers
10 Things Friday O’Leary Is Secretly a Bit Scared of
1 Big dogs
2 Moths
3 Big dog with a moth stuck in its fur
4 Those things over there in the corner
5 ‘Cobbler Meets The Poo Rabbits’ by Mimsy Rogers
6 Calendars
7 Being eaten alive by antelopes
8 Not being eaten alive by antelopes*
9 The number 9
10 Going to sleep and when you wake up you’re in Argentina and everyone’s laughing at you in a foreign language*
*This actually happened to Friday once
10 Words Billy William the Third Pronounces Funny
WORD
HOW BWIII SAYS IT
1 Funny
Funty
2 England
Engerland
3 Hospital
Hoppital
4 Dinosaur
Minotaur
5 Minotaur
Rhino war
6 Mystery
Mittersy
7 Dentist
Dennist
8 Pumpkin
Plumpkin
9 Screwdriver
Matthew Robinson
10 Fountain
(Not sure because no one’s ever heard him say it. It’s a mittersy.)
Mr Gum’s Top TV Programmes of All Time
1 ‘BAG OF STICKS’
(A picture of a bag of sticks for half an hour)
2 ‘BAG OF STICKS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL’
(A dead robin lying by the bag of sticks)
3 ‘LEGMASH’
(People breaking their legs in real accidents)
4 ‘NO! PUT THAT DOWN!’
(Parents in supermarkets refusing to buy their children sweets)
5 ‘BAG OF STICKS: BEHIND THE MAGIC’
(4-hour-documentary about the making of ‘Bag of Sticks’, including interviews with the director, the cameraman and the dead robin)
Mrs Lovely’s Top 5 Sweet Ingredients
1 Sorry, can’t tell you, it’s a secret
2 Another secret
3 Forget it, this one’s just too secret to tell
4 Sorry, no
5 Aniseed
Martin Launderette’s Favourite Washing Machine Settings
1 COLD WASH
2 COLD WASH, EXTRA SPIN
3 GENTLE RINSE
4 DELICATE WASH, NO SPIN (good for woollens)
5 Just chuck it all in, turn it up as high as it goes and see what happens
Some Little-Known Facts About Old Granny
1 Old Granny was always called Old Granny, even when she was a little girl
2 Old Granny is a bit deaf. I said, OLD GRANNY IS A BIT DEAF!
3 Old Granny once won the Olympics by accident when she ran for a bus
4 Old Granny has got a tattoo of Queen Victoria on her ankle
5 Queen Victoria had a tattoo of Old Granny on her ankle
6 Old Granny holds the world record for being Old Granny
7 Old Granny can’t whistle no good. It’s all out of tune
8 Old Granny can fly
9 Not really
10 Old Granny can’t speak Russian
10 of the Most Expensive Things in Alan Taylor’s Mansion
1 Portrait of Leonardo da Vinci painted by Mona Lisa
2 Shakespeare’s right hand in a jar
3 Piece of paper with first ever game of noughts and crosses on it*
4 A really nice table
5 Machine that can video your dreams
6 A cat with ten thousand pounds tied on to its tail
7 Suit of armour worn by Beethoven in a fight against Mozart
8 Largest banana ever grown (nearly twice the size of normal banana)
9 Valuable golden peanut
10 Signed photo of the Loch Ness Monster
*It was a draw
About the author
Andy Stanton lives in North London. He studied English at Oxford but they kicked him out. He has been a stand-up comedian, a film script reader, a cartoonist, an NHS lackey and lots of other things. He has many interests, but best of all he likes cartoons, books and music (even jazz). One day he’d like to live in New York or Berlin or one of those places because he’s go
t fantasies of bohemia. His favourite expression is ‘Please, sir,’ and his favourite word is ‘proletariat’. This is his second book.
About the illustrator
David Tazzyman lives in South London with his girlfriend, Melanie, and their son, Stanley. He grew up in Leicester, studied illustration at Manchester Metropolitan University and then travelled around Asia for three years before moving to London in 1997. He likes football, cricket, biscuits, music and drawing. He dislikes celery.
Visit www.egmont.co.uk/ Authors Name for further information on your favourite Egmont author.
You’re A Bad Man, Mr Gum!
by Andy Stanton
Yes, here it is! The book that started it all! Full of all your favourite characters, including Mr Gum, Billy William the Third, Friday O’Leary, Polly and Crafty Tom – the Tyrannosaurus rex with a heart of gold.*
Gasp! As Mr Gum tries to poison a massive whopper of a dog!
Giggle! As Friday O’Leary juggles five ping pong balls and a banana!
Do something else beginning with a ‘G’! As Polly races to save the day with her Pollyness!
You’re A Bad Man, Mr Gum!
Shabba me whiskers – it’s barking bonkers!
*Actual book may not include Crafty Tom
Shabba me whiskers! This is barking bonkers . . . Look at what’s being said about
You’re A Bad Man, Mr Gum!
‘Funny? You bet, and the humour is not of the willy, poo, bum variety. Here sad squirrels blow their noses on passing butterflies, people speak funty – sorry funny – and the whole thing nearly ends on page twelve. Worryingly splendid.’ Philip Ardagh, Guardian