‘Why must?’
Why must …? My spoon stopped suspended in the air, halfway between plate and mouth. Defiant, cheeky, outrageous – yes, all very well, but certainly there wasn’t ever a minute in my life reserved for this.
‘Because people have to eat if they’re not going to die of starvation,’ I grunted, putting the spoon in my mouth.
‘I look nice?’
‘Look nice? Yes, you do look nice. You’re beautiful,’ I told her, hoping to make her forget my botched reaction to her big entrance as a belly dancer. ‘But if you carry on like this you’ll soon be nothing but a beautiful skeleton.’
‘You like better fat slut, hm?’
‘Fat slut … look, who gives you lot German lessons in that hostel?’
‘I self.’
‘You yourself? What from? Off the walls of public toilets?’
‘Porn.’
‘What?’
‘Boys in hostel have films and book. I have book too, The Sperm Huntresses.’
‘Oh …’ I tried to assume as down-to-earth an expression as possible. At the same time I registered that the spoon in my hand was stirring the casserole in a slightly manic way, as if of its own volition. ‘Um … all that’s kind of a specialised vocabulary. What about if you just want to go and buy rolls or something?’
Very slowly, she turned her head, looked at me from under drooping eyelids, and suddenly began to laugh. Loud, hearty, engaging laughter. No doubt about it, there was something here I didn’t get.
When she’d finished laughing, she asked, ‘We watch films?’
‘Er … what kind of films?’
‘Films with my mother, of course, moron.’
Moron. Was that out of the porn book too? Fuck me, moron?
Relieved by the change of subject, I pointed my spoon across the room. ‘The video recorder’s over there.’
At school I regularly got such bad marks in foreign languages that they were a joke – would I have paid more attention if the languages had been taught in porn? Maybe I’d be working with the United Nations now.
Laden up to her chin, Leila came back from the bedroom, made her way past me balancing about fifteen video cassettes and knelt down in front of the VCR.
‘Hey, I only want to know what she looks like. I’m not planning to write a doctoral thesis on her.’
‘Doctoral thesis?
Yes, well, The Sperm Huntresses … ‘If we’re going to watch all these videos we’ll be here till tomorrow evening.’
‘I play just few nice ones, OK?’
‘Play some where I can get a good look at your mother. What is all this stuff?’
‘Birthday, wedding, holiday, my first school day, all that: my grandma, my grandpa, my mother in garden, my father ride bike but only on one wheel. We often go out of city. And then is wedding. I begin with wedding, OK?’
‘Why the wedding?’
‘Because my mother much in it. And I like it.’
‘What’s your mother’s first name?’
‘Stasha.’
For the first ten minutes almost nothing appeared on the screen but cars, and tables laid for a meal. Every guest was filmed arriving, and every guest was sitting in a car on arrival, and there were a great many guests. And a great many tables laid for them. Extensive panoramic shots followed: stone-built cottages, olive trees, wild meadows, then the farm where the wedding was being held, along with its interior courtyard and a bonfire over which three men waving at the camera and drinking to each other from bottles were turning five sheep on spits. Leila sat on the floor, leaning forward and concentrating. She had firmly taken possession of the remote control and thus any chance of fast-forwarding, and she supplied me with names and background information. She laughed at the sight of many of the faces, others made her knit her brows, and as two puppies now and then scampered across the picture she made coaxing noises as if calling to them.
‘There, look!’ She pointed to a little cherry tree. ‘Is planted for my birthday, real birthday, now tree is tall as a house.’
‘Hm, yes.’ Of course it was touching to see Leila almost getting into the onscreen picture, what with the attitude she assumed and the way she looked at it. But the vodka was beginning to take effect, a cherry tree was a cherry tree, and the cameraman had either had a few drinks himself or felt called to higher things in the world of cinema. Anyway, his camera dwelt on even the cherry tree for the amazing length of the time it took to smoke half a cigarette.
‘Who’s the cameraman?’
‘Friend of my father. But is not so good. Usually my father take pictures. Was first at home to have camcorder. He take many films. And he take photos and he paint and he make lamps, funny lamps made from old pots, and he …’
‘Can ride a cycle on only one wheel.’
‘Yes, too. My father is crazy man.’
The video finally moved on from the cherry tree. The bridal couple drove up in a flower-bedecked car. The party applauded, a combo began playing a mixture of village music and gypsy marches, doors were opened, two bare legs slipped out of the darkness, and there she was: slender, black-haired, very bright-eyed and looking if she had got into the wrong video. End of the World 1992 or Christmas with My Mother-in-Law – that’s the kind of thing her expression would have suited. Before she got right out of the car she leaned into it again, and her head jerked. Then she straightened up, brushed something off her shoulder, and turned to the waiting guests with a smile as if she had just discovered that her fiancé still had ongoing relationships with most of the female guests. Or as if someone had short-changed her on her wedding outfit; she wore only a short white dress, white sandals and a pearl necklace.
For a couple of seconds everyone hesitated. Even the combo seemed to play several bars of repeats. But finally a man stepped out of the surrounding crowd, went up to Leila’s mother, hugged and kissed her, and soon I saw the backs of head after head. Half a courtyard full of guests wanted her to greet them. So far as anyone could see amidst all the separate embraces, Leila’s mother wasn’t exactly on the point of bubbling over with beguiling charm, but as the ritual went on her expression at least thawed sufficiently for the guests not to feel they had to apologise for being there at all.
After the backs of about fifteen heads, the cameraman changed the angle of his shot and zoomed in on her face. It was more fragile and finely drawn but also harder than her daughter’s. Thin, caramel-coloured skin, rather small, rather delicate bones, and light green eyes that seemed almost transparent. On the other hand her gaze, both cold and inquiring, and a hint of future wrinkles that wouldn’t look as if they were only laughter lines suggested someone who at least knew what she didn’t want, and made sure she didn’t get. The only one hundred per cent resemblance between mother and daughter, so far as anyone could tell from a video, was in their mouths. Leila’s mother’s mouth was saying something now, laughing almost wholeheartedly from time to time, and constantly kissing proffered cheeks.
It wasn’t as if I were picturing … well, who knows what? I liked Leila, and there was certainly nothing to dislike about her mother, or not for me. But it was only a film, and I was at home, and finding the woman was part of my job – until she looked into the camera. I’ve no idea why, but her eyes looked out of the shot so long and so steadfastly that for a moment, no doubt a vodka-fuelled moment, I was convinced she was looking at me. Me and no one else. And I was looking back.
‘You like, OK?’
‘Hm?’
‘My mother – you like?’
‘Yes, er, but she …’, I said, not exactly stammering, although my tongue and my lips had been known to function better, ‘.but to all appearances she doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself very much …’
‘To appearances …?’
‘I mean, at first it looked as if something was getting on her nerves.’
‘Yes, I know …’ Leila dismissed this. ‘She want small, quiet party. But my father give big surprise. Lots of people ther
e, my mother not like that. See that old cow?’ She pointed to a young woman of about twenty, tossing her head in pique at something. ‘She hate my mother. But my father invite everyone. Is always like that.’
And now the man she was talking about came into the picture. Objectively, you had to admit, he looked dazzling. Large, soft, brown eyes, a firm chin, straight nose, and a pop singer’s haircut, shoulder-length, airily casual, it would probably fall perfectly into place even in a hurricane. Holding hands with a roughly five-year-old Leila, he made his way from guest to guest, greeting them, kissing them, evidently an amusing character. At least, people were laughing at him, and when they weren’t he kept on laughing himself. He accompanied his remarks or jokes with sweeping gestures and a changing play of expression, expansive as everything else about him. If he hugged someone he seemed to be taking a run-up to do it, in kissing he smacked his lips first as if a kiss were more ardent the more obviously it was delivered, and when he picked up Leila for her to be kissed too he raised and waved her in the air like a trophy. The clumsiness that went along with this and was not, I thought, entirely spontaneous, presumably appeared ‘cute’ to a large part of the female sex.
‘Is me,’ came an impatient voice from the floor.
‘I recognised you at once! I kept wondering if I’d ever seen such a pretty little girl before.’ I didn’t want to inflict any more belly-dancer disappointments.
‘Hm.’ A self-evident observation. ‘With my father. My father very funny. You see?’
‘Yes, anyone can see that.’
‘But …’ She stopped, and then her voiced tipped over, suddenly had a touch of desperation in it. ‘But like I said, has big mouth too. So in prison. Because soldiers not see jokes, they.’
‘Only hear the big mouth, right?’
‘But if my mother do good work for Ahrens, my father get out.’
‘Did your mother say that?’
Leila nodded. ‘And so another thing: if my mother gone …’
‘Your father stays in prison.’
‘Uh-huh.’
She looked at me, downcast. Automatically I promised the kind of thing anyone would promise. ‘I’ll find your mother, you can be sure of that.’
Her eyes went to the floor. ‘You know, sometimes she … well, not angry, but not amused either, like at wedding.’
‘You mean she could get across Ahrens?’
‘Get across?’
‘Annoy him. Tell him he’s an old cunt.’
‘Yes. Like that.’
There was a pause, and I had the impression that Leila was waiting for more assurances that her detective would cope with everything. But for some reason or other I didn’t want to give them. Perhaps out of respect, perhaps out of superstition. Finally we looked back at the screen.
The guests were now drinking aperitifs. The cameraman went from group to group, filming everyone as if for the records, and many of them felt obliged to put on some kind of silly show in front of the lens. I wondered whether Leila was more worried about her mother or her father. Since he had come on screen there was pain in her eyes. Suppose her mother had simply run away? No more child, no more husband riding bikes on one wheel, a new life, new happiness?
I lit a cigarette. After a while Leila came over to the sofa, sat down beside me and took one too. The first sheep was being taken off the spit in the video, and people were beginning to gather around the tables, full of anticipation – but there was no fun in it for us. Lost in thought, Leila watched her smoke rising, and all I wanted to see was her mother, who had apparently left the wedding party for the time being. But instead of switching off the box and thus perhaps providing an opportunity for another conversation leading to more rash promises, I sat where I was, drinking vodka, letting the pictures run past me, thinking of this and that and waiting for Leila to fall asleep.
After finishing her cigarette she drew her feet up inside the baggy trousers, nestled into the sofa and put her head against my leg. For a moment she looked as if she were weeping secretly into her hands, and I stroked her hair. A little later she was asleep. I carried her into the bedroom, covered her up and put the light out. Alone in the living-room, I wound the video back and looked at her mother again. She really did have very light, very inscrutable eyes and skin you wanted to touch. Then I lay down on the sofa and tried to go to sleep myself. I wasn’t too worried now about what Ahrens might be doing to her. She didn’t look as if trying to force her to do anything would be much fun. And certainly Ahrens had enough on his hands just now without bothering with a reluctant female. Or if she wasn’t reluctant, then I really didn’t need to worry about her.
I tossed and turned for a while, smoked a few more cigarettes in the dark, and finally just stared at the ceiling. From time to time the greengrocer walked around his flat, and Leila twice talked in her sleep. I lay awake feeling strangely peaceful. When I looked at my watch for the last time, it was just before three.
Chapter 14
We were having breakfast, and I was carefully explaining to Leila why I wanted to go looking for her mother on my own. It would be dangerous, if she came I might have to think about her more than the search itself, and I didn’t like company while I was working anyway, certainly not my client’s company. But what finally made Leila give way and stop arguing with me was my threat that if she didn’t I’d chuck the whole thing up. In the end education is no big deal.
‘So we’re agreed. Good.’
I smiled warmly at her. She was still tousled from sleep, she was wearing my dressing-gown, which was much too large for her, and gloomily nibbling half a piece of bread and butter.
‘And as I can’t slink into Ahrens’s place until it’s dark, I thought we’d do something I’m sure you’ll enjoy this afternoon.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘You like dogs, don’t you?’
‘Why?’
‘Well, when the dogs were chasing around in the video yesterday, you liked that, didn’t you?’
‘Are my father’s dogs.’
‘Yes, well, we won’t be looking for them, but we’ll be looking for a lovely German shepherd dog called Susi.’
I smiled warmly again, while she looked at me as if I were Frau Schmidtbauer.
‘Are you drank?’
‘You mean drunk, sweetheart, and no, I’m not. If you come with me I’ll tell you about it on the way.’ I looked at the time. Twelve-thirty. ‘In half an hour. Think it over.’
Then I got her to tell me her mother’s surname, picked up my cup and moved into the living-room to phone. The phone was answered after the first ring.
‘Afternoon, Herr Höttges!’
Perhaps it was something in the air, or perhaps they’d started mixing happy-drugs into instant coffee, the way I’d read they did with cat food. Anyway, the deep, heartfelt sigh at the other end of the line that followed my greeting filled me with genuine liking.
‘I know, I know: you don’t like me to ring your office.’
‘I’m expecting an important call.’
‘I’ll be quick: I need to know by this evening whether a woman called Stasha Markovic has been arrested for any reason over the last few days. She’s a Bosnian refugee, mid-thirties, green eyes, very bright.’
‘Where can I reach you?’
‘At my home number around six.’
Then I called Slibulsky. He was doing his accounts, he said. I could hear Formula One engines in the background.
‘You sound glum. What’s the matter? The dinner’s tomorrow evening.’
‘I think people can look at me without losing their appetite.’
‘Sounds great. How’s it going with the Army?’
‘If everything works out I’ll have them nailed on Saturday. Until then I’d be very glad if you could put up a charming little girl in your guest bedroom.’
‘How come you know any charming little girls?’
‘She’s my client.’
‘Have you turned into some kind of youth social wo
rker? This rock ’n’ roll character turned up here yesterday, saying you sent him.’
‘Zvonko.’
‘Yes, he can start next week. What about the little girl?’
I told him briefly how Leila had become my client, and said I didn’t want to leave her alone in my flat.
‘OK. Do we have to cook her spaghetti or play the memory game with her and so on?’
‘Well, she’s not all that little and charming. Just sit her down in front of the TV set and give her some of your Western videos.’
‘Girls don’t watch Westerns.’
‘With her, I wouldn’t be so sure. Anyway, she’ll be agitated and pretty distracted. I’m hoping to get her mother back for her tonight.’
‘Are you sure you’ll find her with this – what’s his name?’
‘Ahrens. I believe I will. The problem is, I must find her without being found myself. But I think I can do it.’
‘That’s funny. You don’t sound like a man who thinks he can do anything. What is the matter?’
I muttered something like, ‘Slept too well,’ then we fixed to meet at seven and hung up. For a moment I wanted to tell Leila the news at once, but then I thought it would be more in line with educational principles not to tell her until there wasn’t much time left for objections and nagging.
Twenty minutes later Leila and I were getting into the car, and for the first time since Frau Beierle had hired me I really set out in search of Susi, equipped with a stack of photos.
Looking in the rear-view mirror, I was just in time to see the greengrocer rush out of his shop, waving excitedly in our direction. Luckily we hadn’t met in the stairwell. He would have taken his supposedly desperate situation as a reason to break our tacit agreement and look me in the eye. But now that he was even calling me by my proper name, I wanted to avoid getting close to him more than ever. It might have led to a flowering of sympathy setting us back years. For now I was going to try keeping our relationship going purely by phone.
The afternoon, spent in assorted animal rescue centres – in Fechenheim, Hanau, Egelsbach, Dreieichenhain – turned out much as I’d expected. Endless rows of pens, any amount of barking dogs, and all the German shepherds looked just like Susi. To me, anyway. After complaining of anything and everything during the drive – my beat-up old car, my shitty dog, even my wet weather – Leila brightened surprisingly quickly at the sight of the first bundles of fur looking soulfully at her. Soon she took over the photos and the investigation. She had nothing but a shake of the head for my technique of calling ‘Susi!’ to whatever dog we were looking at, and hoping that Susi would then identify herself by turning somersaults or some other such means.
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