by L A Cotton
“It was always the plan to stay in dorms.”
“Still as stubborn as ever, I see.” He steepled his fingers. “And money? You’re okay?”
Do you really care? The words teetered on the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t let them escape, trapping them behind a thin smile.
“I’m fine. The sale of the house closed last month.” Mom had insisted the money went toward my tuition and living expenses. It wasn’t much after the mortgage was repaid, but it was enough for now.
“You know, I really was very sorry to hear Fiona—”
“Can we not do this?” My teeth ground together. He didn’t care. He’d called a handful of times throughout the whole ordeal.
I’d sat with my mom through chemo, hospital visits, endless days of sickness and pain. I’d clutched her hand near the end and tried to keep her spirits up. And what had Callum and Dad done?
They’d managed to check in on us a handful of times.
I would never forgive them for that.
Ever.
“Of course, I imagine it’s still all very raw.”
Un-fucking-believable.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to grab the trophy he kept on his desk, throw it at the wall and watch it break apart, the way I’d been broken apart.
But I didn’t. Because the little girl inside me desperate for her father’s attention refused to give up. Not to mention the promise I’d made to a dying woman to... try.
Despite all his flaws—and there were many—Andrew James was still my father, and I was still his daughter.
God, sometimes I wished I didn’t care so much. Sometimes, I wished that I could just step outside the lines of what was expected of me and just throw caution to the wind and go with my gut feeling.
But I’d tried that once... and it had ended with Zachary Messiah breaking my heart a second time.
No, I had to stay true to who I was. I liked rules and boundaries and I prided myself on adhering to them.
“Are we eating?” I took a calming breath, changing the subject.
“There are chicken and vegetables in the refrigerator. I’m not a great cook though so maybe you could…”
I stood up and clenched my fists at my sides, reveling in the sting of my nails in my palm. “I’ll get right on that.”
At least I could take my frustrations out with a knife on some unsuspecting carrots.
“Actually,” Callum poked his head around the door. “I’m not staying.”
“Son, we talked about this. I want us to sit down and eat as a family. You’re hardly here anymore, and Calli is... well, she’s going to cook us something delicious.”
“It’s a team thing,” he said.
“A team thing.” Our father sat straighter, his expression morphing into one of interest. A far cry from the strained smile he’d worn with me only seconds earlier.
But I was used to this. In fact, it almost felt like old times.
“It’s only a casual thing, to welcome the new guys to the team.”
“Ah, initiation.”
“Dad, you know we don’t do that shit.” Callum let out an audible groan.
“I’m not the school administration, Cal. I’m not going to admonish you for some good old team fun.”
“Okay, whatever. So, I can go?”
It amused me that at twenty-one years old, Callum still felt the need to ask our father for permission. My father hadn’t told him no in his entire life.
“Of course, go. Have fun. Say hi to the guys for me. Tell them I’m expecting big things this season.”
“Sure thing, Dad,” he grumbled, barely meeting my eyes.
Callum disappeared, the slam of the front door like a gunshot to my heart.
He just left.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse between us, he went and proved me wrong.
Indignation burned through me. It started off like a small ember, quickly catching and sweeping into a firestorm. And before I knew what I was saying, the words rushed out, “Actually, Dad, I need to go too. Can we take a raincheck on the dinner?”
“Calliope, what on earth are you talking about. We can still—”
“I just remembered, I have a thing.”
“A thing? What thing?” His eyes narrowed.
“A society thing. We’ll rearrange. I’ll call.”
I wouldn’t, but whatever.
All I knew was, I wasn’t about to stand here and prepare vegetables for a father who could care less about me and a brother who would rather be with his precious team than spend time with his family.
With me.
I all but ran from the house, spilling out into the bright Californian sun, the way the tears flowed freely down my cheeks.
Callum’s car was already gone.
Asshole.
Kicking off my sneakers, I made my way down the beach, letting my toes sink into the warm sand. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Madison’s number.
“Hey, girl! How’s SU treating you?”
“It’s... okay.” I sniffled, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Oh no.” She sighed. “What happened?”
“My brother and dad, they’re just the same...” Anguish twisted my insides. “I don’t know why I thought... God, I’m such a fool.”
“Calli, you are not a fool. They’re your family.”
“Unlucky for me,” I grumbled.
“Want to talk about it?”
Dropping to the sand, I wrapped an arm around my knee and rested my chin there. “Zach’s here.”
“Excuse me?” she shrieked over the line and I moved the cell away from my ear. “Zach as in Zachary Messiah?”
“The one and only.” My chest squeezed at his name. It always did.
It probably always would.
I figured first love was supposed to leave that kind of mark. An everlasting stain on your soul. But I’d underestimated just how much it would affect me still every time I heard his name.
“What... But how... I don’t understand.”
“Something happened to Declan,” I whispered.
“What, like an accident?”
“Yeah, he’s in a coma. How did we not know this?” Steinbeck was only three towns over from Bay View. Zach and Declan still had family there.
But as soon as high school was over, I’d been checked out from life and Madison had been off cruising the tropics with her parents. And Zach and his family hadn’t lived in Bay View for almost two years by then.
“I can’t believe Callum never said anything,” she said.
“Tell me about it.”
When I’d cornered him on campus and confronted him about everything, he’d acted like I was the one with the problem. I didn’t know what I hated more: that he kept it from me because he thought I didn’t need to know or that he was right.
I didn’t need to know.
I wasn’t friends with Zach anymore. As far as Callum was concerned, we were no one to each other. Old childhood friends who grew apart and went our separate ways.
Except, we didn’t grow apart.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Honestly?” I curled my feet into the sand, reveling in how the tiny grains felt against my skin. “I don’t know. I was prepared to handle Callum being here... but Zach?”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“We’ve shared a few words.” It came out clipped.
“Ouch, that bad?”
“It wasn’t good.” I let out a heavy sigh, remembering how angry he’d been at Muds. “I just wish I knew...” I swallowed the words.
“Maybe this is your chance.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, maybe this is the universe’s way of finally giving you some closure.”
“Really?” I balked. “Because it sure doesn’t feel like it. It feels like the universe’s way of fucking with me a little more.”
Madison gasped. “Calliope James, you kiss your mother with that mout
h? Shit, I didn’t mean... God, I’m an idiot. Sorry.”
Soft laughter fell from my lips. “It’s okay, I’m okay.”
“Phew,” she breathed. “But I think I have a point. What are the chances that you and Zach would end up at the same college?”
Pretty slim considering he wasn’t supposed to be there.
I smoothed my fingers over my temples and down my face. “He hates me, Madison.”
“Well, maybe this your chance to find out why... or in the very least, it’s a chance to show him you’ve moved on. Go out, meet boys… hell, get laid. It’s college.” Her voice turned somber. “She’d want you to have all those rite-of-passage experiences, Calli.”
“I know, I just...”
“You’re scared.”
“I was going to say out of practice.”
“Hey, it could be worse. You could be a virgin.” She chuckled. “You went through something huge this year, something like that is bound to leave scars. But life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, Calli, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
“You know I don’t dance.” Strangled laughter bubbled in my chest.
“Maybe you should start. It’s college, babe. College. You don’t owe anyone anything. Your dad, Callum, even Zach. This is your fresh start. I know it’s complicated and I know you’re probably planning all the ways you can avoid them all,”—I was, but she didn’t need to know that—“but this is your life. Don’t waste it by sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else live theirs.”
“You’re good at this.”
“Well, duh, I have a lot of experience with assholes.”
Her first and only boyfriend had ripped out her heart and stamped all over it right before they left for college, after they’d decided to do the long-distance thing. He was also a basketball player, the high school team captain to be exact. And although I’d wanted to give Finn the benefit of the doubt—because while they were together, they did make a cute couple—deep down, I knew he’d hurt her.
Ballers couldn’t be trusted.
They were too invested in the game, in the high of the win, the popularity and fame that came with being able to throw a ball through a hoop.
“Have you spoken to him?” I asked.
“What? No. No! I have nothing to say to him. Besides, I already met a cute guy called Toby who I think is the perfect rebound guy.”
“Madison,” I sighed.
“Relax, I’m not going to catch feelings. But I am going to let him help me forget all about Finn and his empty promises. And if you know what’s good for you, babe, you’ll do exactly the same.”
She made it sound so simple. But I didn’t want a rebound guy.
“Well, just be careful.” I knew my best friend, and I knew that despite her strong façade, she wore her heart on her sleeve.
Unlike me, who kept my heart locked away so tight no one could touch it.
After Zach, I hadn’t dated. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t put myself through that again. Then Mom had gotten sick and everything else took a back seat. Because I was all she had, and I didn’t walk out on the people I love.
But was Madison right?
Was this a chance to finally get some closure?
A chance to show Zachary Messiah—and myself—that I’d finally moved on.
“I’ll tell you what,” she said. “I promise to be careful, if you promise to take a risk now and again.”
“I... okay.”
“Okay?” Surprise coated the word.
“Yeah, okay.” I’d already gone against everything I knew and abandoned my father, along with the chicken and vegetables.
I had this.
It was college. Time to spread my wings and live.
“Atta girl,” I heard the smile in Madison’s voice. “She’d be proud of you, ya know. The second you realized Zach was at SU, you could have run, and you didn’t. That’s huge, Calli.”
It wasn’t, not really.
It wasn’t like I had anywhere else to go.
But I knew what she meant, and for a second, I’d wanted to hide. To barricade myself in my dorm and figure a way out of this mess. But I hadn’t.
Because Madison was right.
I needed closure.
I needed to know why Zach hated me so much.
Then, and only then, could I finally be free.
Zach
The Pivot was a sports bar just off campus. It wasn’t really my scene, but it was the preferred hangout for the team. And since I was a member of the Steinbeck Scorpions, I was expected to be present.
The season didn’t start for another two months, but it was important for the team to bond, to practice, and spend time in the gym.
According to tradition, it was also important to get the freshman recruits fucked up and watch them do a bunch of stupid shit. After a serious incident with the basketball captain a few years ago, SU had a zero-tolerance policy toward hazing. But this wasn’t hazing. It was just some good old-fashioned fun. No one would end up hurt or humiliated. Well, no more than usual where a bunch of college students was concerned.
“What do you think of the new guys?” Brad asked me. He leaned back against the bar, watching as they went head to head in a shooter contest.
Trev, the owner, was cool. An ex-Scorpion, he was happy to let us hangout in the back. It had some pool tables, a few booths, and an old jukebox. The walls were littered with Scorpion and NBA paraphernalia.
I took a long pull on my beer, shrugging. “Time will tell.”
“That kid, Kaiden, seems okay.”
“The kid’s got skills,” Joel added. “I saw some footage of him on the court. He could give you a run for your money, Messiah.”
“Fuck off.” I was the best. It’s why Coach Baxter had agreed to my parents’ fucked up proposal. I had natural talent, just like Declan. Just like my father. But what I had in talent, I lacked in ambition. Basketball was their dream, not mine.
“Is that Josie?” Joel groaned and all our eyes went over to where he was staring.
The back room didn’t have a door, it had a big archway that led into the main bar area. And right there, on the makeshift dance floor, was Josie and Calli dancing.
“Holy shit, Molineux,” our power forward, Devyn, said. “Your sister’s got moves.”
“Don’t be looking at my sister.” Joel punched his arm.
“What the fuck, dude? She’s right there. It’s not like I’m looking on purpose.”
Dev wasn’t wrong. You couldn’t miss Josie, rolling and popping her hips, working her tight little body.
A mask of anger slid over Joel’s face. “I need to go...” He motioned to the girls.
Brad snickered. “This year is going to be hella interesting.”
I didn’t miss the flare of interest in his eyes. “You and Josie?” I asked him quietly.
“What? Fuck, no. Joel would cut off my balls and feed them to me through a straw.”
My eyes narrowed, studying him. He seemed cool and calm, but I saw a flicker of fear there. “Whatever,” I grumbled.
He was a fucking liar. He wanted Joel’s little sister; if he hadn’t already had a taste.
“Who’s the other girl?” Dev asked.
“Josie’s little friend?” Brad said. “I don’t know, but she got fucking wasted at the party the other night. I saw Josie carrying her out of there. Total lightweight.”
My spine stiffened. It was messed up that they didn’t know who she was. But I wasn’t going to be the one to tell them. That would lead to questions. Questions I didn’t have the answers to.
“I need to take a leak.” Downing the rest of my beer, I headed for the restrooms at the back of the bar.
When I came out, I saw Josie and Joel arguing. I knew he wanted to protect her, but it was college, and Josie was a little firecracker. It was a fight he couldn’t win.
Heading for the bar, I flagged down a bartender for another beer. The place was full of college stud
ents, all looking to let loose before classes started next week. Music blasted out of hidden speakers, drowning out the rumble of chatter and laughter. I probably should have headed back to the guys, but I needed to catch my breath.
My eyes had a life of their own, searching for Calli in the crowd. Joel and Josie were still arguing. He grabbed her arm, but she yanked it away. I could just make out the words forming on her lips. ‘Fuck you, Joel’. A smirk tugged at my mouth. She was trouble that one, and it brought me some relief knowing I didn’t have a sister to look out for.
Josie melted into the crowd while Joel ran a hand down his face before disappearing back through the archway. I should have gone after him. Asked him if he was okay, maybe offered him some friendly advice. But I wasn’t his friend, not really. Besides, I still hadn’t found Calli.
Cutting through the sea of bodies, I eventually found her with Josie.
Fuck.
The air whooshed from my lungs at the sight of her dancing. Her sun-kissed brown hair was all tousled and wild, and her hands were high above her head, weaving invisible patterns in the air. I’d never seen her like this before. She literally took my breath away... and I fucking hated it.
I hated that my body still had such a visceral reaction to her after all this time.
I needed to go. To get away from her. But I couldn’t move. I was rooted to the spot, a potent mix of anger and lust coursing through my veins. I wanted to hurt her. To punish her and ruin her.
I wanted to break her.
It wasn’t healthy, the feelings she invoked in me. Feelings that had once been pure and good, now tainted with pain and darkness and betrayal.
Even if she wanted to fuck me out of her system, the way I wanted to fuck her out of mine, she couldn’t handle me.
I needed to get laid, stat. Before I did something stupid like march over there and drag her into the alley behind the bar and—
The room grew small as I watched a guy approach her. I didn’t recognize him, but he looked like a preppy type; he was wearing a sweater vest for fuck’s sake. He said something to her and Calli smiled, nodding. Then he pulled her around to his front and began dancing behind her. Calli’s expression filled with surprise as his hands clamped around her hips... he was touching her.
That fucker was touching what was mine.