by L A Cotton
“I should have stood up to him, told him no.”
“Part of you wanted his validation—”
“Calli, that’s not it.” I hadn’t wanted my father’s validation. I wanted him to get off my back. Pacifying him seemed like the easiest way to do that.
“Yes, it is. And do you know how I know that?” She let her lips slide over mine, kissing me softly. “Because even now, even after everything, I find myself wanting the same thing. Our parents are supposed to love us, Zach. They’re supposed to stand by us and support us. It’s hard to accept that is never going to happen.”
“I hate your dad for treating you like this. Callum too.” My arm tightened around her. “You deserve more, Calli. So much more.”
“I have to make my peace with the fact that I’ll never be the child he wanted. But you can. I watched you play ball with Jasmine. It’s inside you, Zach.” Her hand slipped to my chest, right over my heart. “The question is, do you want it?”
Her words sank inside of me. No one had ever stopped to ask me what I wanted. When you were the little brother of an athletic star, you were neglected, forced into the shadows. When my father had demanded I play for the Bay View Vipers, I’d assumed it was a punishment. It had sure felt like it at first. But slowly, over time, I grew to need basketball the way an addict needs the high. It settled my soul. Soothed some of the anger and pain living inside me. Maybe Calli was right. Maybe all this time, I’d been lying to myself.
I stared up at her, trying to reconcile everything that had happened. Not just right now in this moment, but ever since the first day I laid eyes on her. Calli had been such a vital part of my life, looking back now, it was foolish to think I could ever give her up.
She was the only person to ever get me. To know what it was like to be constantly compared and held to the standard of someone else. But despite all of my old man’s downfalls, he’d never actively pushed me away. He just wanted me to be someone I wasn’t.
Now I was stuck at a crossroads and I had no fucking idea which path to take. The team needed me. Coach Baxter, the college... the fans, they all wanted me to carry them to the championship. Because I was a Messiah, and it was my legacy.
Except, it wasn’t my legacy. It was Declan’s. I was stepping into his shoes, assuming his position. If I did it—if we got to March Madness and we won—I wouldn’t be remembered for my successes, I’d be remembered as the guy who held things together while his brother was lying in some facility fighting for his life.
“I’m so fucking confused,” I confessed. “Nothing makes sense anymore.” A heaviness settled in my chest.
I was stuck here living Declan’s life, like his second-rate replacement. If he woke up tomorrow and defied the odds and walked out of the hospital, I knew I would be cast aside. Because people’s loyalty to me was only good so long as he was out of action. And I’d allowed it to happen. I’d allowed my father to negotiate the transfer because Calli was right, part of me craved his approval.
Deep down inside me, there was a child desperate to shine in his own right. Coming to SU, being needed by the team and Coach Baxter, being praised by my father, it fed my need to be validated. But it was all a lie. A sham. People didn’t really care that I was here, they just cared that they had someone to fill Declan’s shoes.
What a fucking mess.
“I need some air,” I said, gently nudging Calli off my lap.
“You’re leaving?” The hurt in her voice was nothing compared to the dejection shining in her eyes.
“I need some space.” I shot up, running a brisk hand over my face. “Not from you... never from you, but I need time to figure some things out.” My chest was too tight, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“Let me help you.” A smile lifted the corners of her mouth, but it quickly died when I shook my head.
“You can’t, sweet pea.” It came out tighter than I wanted it to. “This is one thing I need to figure out alone.”
Each step away from her was like a knife to the heart. I wanted to stay here. I wanted to strip Calli naked and bury myself deep inside her until nothing else existed, but my head was a fucking mess.
As I reached the door handle, her voice rang out like a shotgun. “Zach, wait.”
I glanced back, my chest squeezing at her crushed expression. I wanted her to beg me to stay, but at the last second Calli’s expression steeled and she whispered, “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
I gave her a small nod and got the hell out of there.
“I didn’t expect you to call,” Maverick said as he approached me. I snatched the ball to my chest and stopped to greet him.
“Me neither,” I admitted. “I’m sorry to bring you out here but I needed to talk to someone who’d understand.”
“Don’t be. I’m glad you called. Let me guess, you and Calli finally had that talk?”
“Something like that.”
He motioned to the bench and we both sat down. Placing the ball at my feet, I grabbed a bottle of water and chugged it down. “You were right.”
“You’ve going to have to give me a little more than that...” He shot me an amused smile.
“I got it wrong. Back when we were in high school… I got it so fucking wrong.”
“Hey, man,” he clapped me on the shoulder, “it happens to the best of us.”
“I think deep down I always expected her to leave me.” My head hung low as I circled my thumbs. “Declan was the popular one, the one all the girls wanted. He was the golden child...”
“You were scared of losing her.”
“Yeah, I was fucking scared. Calli was the only person in the world who got me. So when I heard her tell my dad she didn’t love me, I didn’t stick around to hear the rest.” I’d gone into full defensive mode, barricading my heart behind a steel fortress. At the time, I’d told myself cutting her out of my life was the right thing to do—the strong thing. I didn’t need her. I didn’t need anyone.
“My old man encouraged it,” I murmured.
“What do you mean?”
I let out an exasperated breath, meeting Maverick’s confused stare. “After things between me and Calli went south, he told me I needed to forget about her. Said that now Declan was off at college it was my time to shine and follow in their footsteps. And I fell for it.”
I’d been so angry and hurt, that I knew it was the perfect revenge. Not only would I cut Calli out of my life for good, but I’d become one of the best damn players Bay View had ever seen. I’d become the thing she’d always hated.
What a fucking chump I was.
“He played me.” Because I was too heartbroken to see the truth. “I didn’t even give her a chance to explain.” I slammed my fist down on the bench.
“You know, my dad was an asshole. A real controlling, interfering type.”
“Was?” I asked.
“Still is.” Maverick shrugged. “But I cut him out of my life for good in senior year.”
“You think I should cut him out—”
“That’s not what I’m saying. You only get one family, Zach. Only you know if his actions come from a genuine place. I knew my father’s didn’t. He didn’t care about me. He only cared about his legacy, about keeping up appearances. But something tells me that it might not be so cut and dry with your dad.”
I considered his words. Timothy Messiah wasn’t a bad person, he was just highly driven and motivated. He’d had his shot at going pro cut short, but he was determined not to let that happen to his sons.
Maverick was right, his intentions came from a good place. They just got lost in translation along the way.
“Have you ever told him what you want?” Maverick asked.
“Most of time, I’m not even sure what I want.”
If I wanted basketball, I would always be in Declan’s shadow. If I didn’t, I’d be giving up something that had become a part of me. Something that, no matter how hard it was to admit, I needed.
And I was g
ood.
No, I was fucking great.
I had a shot at going all the way. But I’d never let myself think too far ahead... until Declan’s accident.
“You need to talk to someone,” Maverick said.
“Why do you think I called you?” The corner of my mouth tipped.
“I don’t mean me. I mean a professional or the college guidance counselor. Someone with actual training.”
“I’m not going to see a shrink.”
“It might help. You have a lot of residual shit going on in there.” He motioned to my head. “Add in what happened to Declan and you transferring here, and now this stuff with Calli... it’s bound to take its toll.”
“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence,” I snorted. But deep down, I knew he was right.
The chances of Declan ever waking up grew smaller with each passing day. Even if he did wake up, he would never play ball again. He would never win March Madness or draft to the NBA. Declan’s dreams were over... but mine were still alive.
And that was a hard fucking thing to swallow.
How was I supposed to go after what I wanted, knowing he would never get that opportunity?
A ball of emotion lodged in my throat.
“I need to go see my brother,” I said. I’d been putting it off for a reason. But I couldn’t put it off any longer.
Until I reconciled everything that had happened, I couldn’t move forward. I couldn’t even begin to figure out what I wanted.
But I also knew I couldn’t do it alone.
“So I was wondering...” My fingers went to my hair. “Would you…? Uh...”
“Consider it done.” Maverick gave me an understanding nod. “Just name the date and time and I’ll be there.”
“Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.”
“I was thinking we could shoot some hoops,” he said, “but how does breakfast sound instead?”
“I could eat.”
“Well, let’s go. I know just the place.”
The place turned out to be Flippers Diner on a quiet street downtown. It was popular with the student crowd, but the last people I expected to find sitting in a booth there were Victoria and Kira.
“Maverick, Zach.” She waved us over.
“Did you plan this?” I grumbled, and Maverick chuckled.
“You’re kidding right? She’s... a lot.”
“You’re telling me.” I hadn’t spoken to her since she’d stormed out of my apartment the other day and I’d hoped to keep it that way, at least until after the exhibition game.
“Fancy seeing you two here.” She grinned as if everything was fine between us. “Maverick, it’s so good to see you.”
“Hey, Vic,” he said. “And... Kira, right?”
She nodded. “You’re in town for the exhibition game?”
“Yeah, something like that.” He picked up a menu. “What’s good?”
“The pancakes are to die for,” Kira answered. “But I went with a fruit salad and granola.”
I had to refrain from rolling my eyes.
“So, Zach, how are you?” Victoria’s brow arched and I saw the flash of accusation in her gaze.
Yeah, she was still pissed.
But the feeling was mutual.
“I’m good,” I clipped out, and Maverick slid his eyes to mine in question.
“Ready for the game? I spoke to your parents. They want to do dinner with the team after. Nothing fancy, so I spoke to Trev at The Pivot and he’s going let us have the back room and put on some food. I’m hoping to talk the alumni players into auctioning off their jerseys.” She glanced at Maverick.
“Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever.”
“Excellent. Coach Baxter has arranged full press coverage and there’s going to be an address before the game.” I knew her eyes would have flicked to mine, but I didn’t react.
“Vic, we should go,” Kira said, “or we’ll be late for our appointment at the salon.”
“We have time.” She swished her hair off her shoulder. “I want to talk to the guys about—”
“Another time,” I barked.
Surprise flashed over her expression, quickly morphing to indignation. Victoria didn’t like being dismissed, but I didn’t have the energy to do this.
Kira took the hint, grabbing her purse and standing. “Enjoy your breakfast,” she said, pulling out some bills.
“I’ve got this,” Maverick said.
“So generous.” Victoria beamed at him, reserving a scowl for me. For a second, I thought she was going to dig in her heels and refuse to leave. But to my relief, she grabbed her purse and followed Kira out of the diner.
“Dare I ask?” Maverick let out a low whistle.
“Fuck you, man. Fuck you.”
“I always knew she was trouble. You’ve got to watch your back with girls like Victoria.” He grimaced.
“She thinks she knows about Calli.”
“Does she?”
“Enough to make waves, yeah.” I scrubbed my jaw, anger trickling through my veins.
Although Victoria didn’t know anything, not really, she could still make Calli’s life difficult. More difficult than she already had.
In reality, the worst she could do to me was tell Callum she suspected I still had feelings for Calli. But something told me he already knew; it’s why he’d warned me off her.
“You know if you want to be with her, you’re going to have to come clean eventually?”
“I know. Calli wants to wait until after the game.”
“Smart girl,” he grinned. “So she’ll be there?”
“I hope so. I asked her to come.”
“Was that before or after you fled her dorm room and called me?”
“I didn’t—” Ah, fuck. I totally had. “I guess I have some groveling to do.”
“Yeah, you do. Question is, are you going to stew on your feelings for a little while longer or are you going to grow some balls and show her you’re worth it?”
“If we’re talking about balls, I think you need to look in the mirror,” I teased.
Maverick glowered at me. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Dude, you’re getting married. If Lo doesn’t own your balls now, the second you say, ‘I do’, she will.”
“Fuck,” he breathed. “You’re right.”
For as much as I was joking though, I couldn’t deny the slight pinch around my heart. Maverick was a lucky bastard. He had a girl by his side who shouldered his burdens as if they were her own.
I’d had that once... but I’d lost it.
And although Calli had sounded ready to give me another chance earlier…
Part of me would always wonder if I deserved it.
Calli
When I left for classes, I was still a little dumbfounded by the events of the morning. But I wanted to give Zach his space. I could sense his anger spiraling out of control and I knew he had a lot to process. Besides, there were still two days until the exhibition game, and I didn’t want us to do anything hasty.
Zach needed to focus on the game, and I needed to focus on classes and my session with Jasmine at the center later. Hopefully, it would go a whole lot better than it had on Tuesday.
“There you are,” Josie caught up with me. “How are you feeling?” Her eyes glittered with insinuation.
“Is there something you want to ask me?” I could practically smell her desperation.
“Who, me?” She flashed me a salacious grin, leaning in closer. “You had sex this morning.”
“What?” My cheeks burned. “No, I didn’t.”
“Girl, it’s written all over your face. But that means he must have stayed over... which means...”
I clapped a hand over her mouth. “You can stop talking now.”
She rolled her eyes, muttering something inaudible.
“I mean it, Josie. It’s complicated and there are still a lot of things to figure out. Promise me you won’t make a big deal out of this.”
> “I promise.” It was muffled against my palm.
Releasing her, I pinned her with a serious look. “I mean it.”
“But—”
“No, Josie.”
“But—”
“Seriously?”
“Gah, do you have any idea how hard this is? I have questions... lots of questions.”
“I know,” I frowned, “which is exactly why we are not talking about this.”
“Did something happen? Because you don’t seem very relaxed for a girl who just got fu—”
“He left.” I let out a heavy sigh.
“Huh?” Josie ground to a halt, snagging my wrist. “What do you mean he left?”
“We had... sex. We talked... things got heavy... then he left.”
“Like he said ‘goodbye, I’ll see you later’ left, or he hightailed it out of there quicker than you could say ‘harder, Zach, harder’?” She smothered a chuckle.
“Oh my god,” I spluttered. “What is wrong with you?”
“You’d be lost without me now.” Josie smirked.
“Yeah, I would. But it doesn’t change the fact you’re a freak sometimes.”
She waved me off. “Back to Zach, which ‘he left’ was it?”
“Somewhere in the middle?” My lips thinned, and it was her turn to frown.
“Well, have you heard from him since?”
“Nope.” The knot in my stomach tightened. “I’m giving him space.”
“Noooo, babe,” she groaned. “That’s the last thing you want to do. He might be having a crisis of confidence. You need to tell him how you feel and lock that shit down.”
“Tell who how you feel?” Victoria and Kira appeared out of nowhere.
“Uh, private conversation.” Josie wagged her finger between us.
“Well maybe if it’s private you should try not having it on the sidewalk.” She flashed me a saccharine sweet smile.
“We’ll remember that next time,” Josie sneered, “thanks for the advice.”
“You’ll be at the game Saturday, right?” Victoria said, completely unaffected by Josie’s prickly attitude. “There’s a thing afterwards, at The Pivot. You should come. I’m hosting an auction to raise extra funds for the facility. Everyone will be there.”