‘But you were married. Surely you knew that what you were doing was wrong?’
‘This is going to sound awful, but I barely gave Fi a second thought that night. I was mesmerised by you, Jemma, which was another reason why I knew I had to be with you instead of Fi. When I woke up the next morning, I decided I was going to end it with Fi when I got home, tell you all about the Scott Hastings thing, and hope that you forgave me for what genuinely had been a little white lie.’
Butterflies swarmed in my stomach. Mesmerised. What an incredible word. He’d been so mesmerised by me that he just had to be with me. Wow!
‘So what happened when you got home because clearly you didn’t leave your wife for me?’
Scott leaned back in his chair. ‘I couldn’t do it. Not because I didn’t want to but because I got home to find her in tears. She’d started a new job a few months before, which she absolutely loved, but her manager had told her he was letting her go. She didn’t understand it because she’d had a performance review the week before and he’d said how impressed he’d been with the quality of her work and how well she’d fitted in. He’d even given her a pay rise. She’d begged him for an explanation and he finally confessed that Begsey had cornered him one night and had asked if he had a good insurance policy because, if he didn’t sack Begsey’s “jumped up bitch of an ex-girlfriend” within a week, he might find he needed to claim on the fire policy. If he went to the police, the same would happen to his home. Fi was devastated that she’d lost her job, but she was even more devastated that Begsey still had a hold over her.’
‘Then why didn’t you do the right thing and end it with me?’
‘The right thing for who? For Fi? Because it certainly wouldn’t have been the right thing for me, or for you.’
‘But you were married, Scott! Shit! I mean Adam! Being married meant it wasn’t right for any of us.’
‘I never set out to hurt either of you.’
‘Maybe not, but you’ve managed to.’
‘I know and I hate myself for it, but I can’t live without you, Jem. I wasn’t lying when I said I love you only. I love Fi but it’s more of a really deep friendship thing. With you, it’s the real thing. I’ve tried to tell you the truth so many times, but I’ve bottled it because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I’ve vowed to end it with Fi so many times, but the timing’s never seemed right.’
‘The timing’s never right to dump someone. Especially your wife.’ I downed the rest of my wine and took a deep breath. ‘Tell me about the twins. A wife was a hell of a surprise. Babies took it into another stratosphere.’
‘I had plans to tell her about you when she announced she was pregnant. She’d already had another two miscarriages by that point and she was under strict orders to take things easy and avoid any stress. Obviously I couldn’t tell her about you at that point. She had a tough pregnancy and the twins were premature. They’re still in hospital but they’re doing well. It should be an exciting time for Fiona and me but all I can think about is you and how much I love you and miss you. I tried to cut you out my life, but I can’t let go. I love you only, Jem. I really do. I still want to marry you and to have a family of our own.’
Tears stung my eyes at the thought of the man I loved with his perfect little family. ‘Yes, well, we don’t always get what we wish for, do we?’ A tear slid down my cheek.
‘It doesn’t have to be like that.’ Scott left his chair and kneeled on the floor next to me. ‘What do you wish for, Jem?’
‘I wish I’d never met you.’
‘You don’t mean that, do you? Look at me, Jem. I know you don’t mean that.’
He gently turned my face so I had to look him in the eyes.
‘I do mean it. I hate you. You’ve ruined my life.’
‘You don’t hate me. You hate what I’ve done to you… to us… but you don’t hate me.’
‘I don’t know you!’
‘You do! Nothing else I’ve told you has been a lie. The person you fell in love with is still the real me. The person you agreed to marry is still me.’ He gently stroked my cheek and I closed my eyes against the familiar feel of his touch, my heart racing.
‘I love you, Jemma. I always have and I always will. I love you only. Not Fi. Not in that way. I know I’m a shit for leaving her and the babies, but I’d be even more of a shit if I stayed, knowing I could never love her the way I love you. You’re in here, Jemma.’ He pointed to his head. ‘And in here.’ He pointed to his heart. ‘From the moment you sat opposite me in La Vecchia Scuola with the rain dripping off your hair and your nose into your wine, laughing that infectious laugh of yours, I knew it was going to be you forever.’
‘How do I know this isn’t more lies? Have you actually left your wife?’
‘Not yet.’
‘Scott!’
‘It’s not like that. I haven’t seen her since I got your email. I will end it but not over the phone. It’s something I have to do face to face. I’ve made an appointment with a divorce solicitor, though, and I’ve worked out my finances to see how I can support Fi and the twins and still get married to you. I’m serious about this, Jem. I’m definitely leaving her, even if you say no to taking me back.’
‘Why didn’t you end it first? Worried I’ll say no and you’ll be homeless?’
Scott took my hand in his. ‘Because I couldn’t bear to be away from you for another minute. I had to see you and explain. It really is over with Fiona, whatever the outcome with you. I can’t continue to play happy families when my heart belongs to someone else.’ He kissed the back of my hand gently, sending a ripple of excitement through me. ‘I’m at a conference in Brighton at the moment and Fi thinks it’s on all weekend too. I want to spend the weekend with you, showing you how much I love you, if you’ll let me. Then I’ll see Fi on Sunday and confess everything.’
‘What if it’s bad timing again? You said you’d tried to tell her before and it never worked out. What if you go home and one of the twins is poorly or your wife’s upset about something? Oh my God! What am I saying?’ I snatched my hand away. ‘You have a wife and two babies. You should be with them. Not me. This isn’t right.’
‘It’s difficult but it is right. I choose you, Jem.’ Scott scrambled to his feet and sat on the chair arm beside me. ‘I need you and I know you need me. We’re perfect together. I choose you, Jem. It’s always been you.’
He tilted my head towards him and gently kissed my tears away. I tried to pull away but who was I kidding? I hated what he’d done but I still loved him and I still wanted him. Badly.
‘I love you, Jemma,’ he murmured, as his fingers entwined my hair and his kisses trailed around my neck. ‘I love you only.’
‘I love you always,’ I whispered back as my lips found his. And I meant it. I hated myself for being so weak, but I couldn’t bear to let him go.
Chapter 15
Jemma
‘I wish I didn’t have to go to work.’ Scott grabbed the belt of my dressing gown and pulled me towards him by the front door early the following morning. ‘I’d rather stay in bed all day showing you how sorry I am.’
My legs felt like jelly at the thought of it. ‘Didn’t you show me enough times last night?’ I’d heard Tiff and Leah talk about how amazing make-up sex could be, but I’d never had an argument with Scott, or any other boyfriend for that matter, so I’d never experienced it. Oh my God! It had been absolutely incredible. Passionate. Intense. Inventive. Attentive. Very attentive. Talk about being completely focussed on me. I swear my body was still having aftershocks!
‘I have a lot of making up to do,’ he said, undoing my dressing gown belt and slipping his hand inside to cup my breast.
I moaned as I melted into his kiss.
‘Don’t mind me,’ said a gruff voice.
‘Leah! Sorry.’ I pulled my dressing gown tightly around me and re
fastened my belt. ‘Scott’s just leaving.’
‘I thought he’d have been doing that last night.’
‘I’d better go,’ Scott whispered, kissing me lightly. ‘I’ll see you tonight. La Vecchia Scuola at half seven. And thank you for giving me a second chance. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you only.’
‘I love you always. Don’t forget to reactivate your email and Facebook so I can stay in touch with you.’
‘I’ve already done my email, but I’ll do Facebook later.’
I closed the door behind him and walked slowly towards Leah who was making a hell of a noise in the kitchen, clattering her cereal bowl and spoon down on the worktop, and slamming cupboard doors shut.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ I said.
‘I’ll bet you do. I don’t know what you’re thinking, though.’
‘I love him, Leah. I can’t help it.’
She shook her head as she poured muesli into her bowl. ‘I always thought you were made of stronger stuff than that. I never saw you as someone who so desperately needed a man in her life that she’d welcome back a cheat and a liar.’
‘Leah! I–’
She spun around to face me and blew her fringe out of her face. ‘You don’t need to justify yourself to me, Jemma. It’s your life and it’s up to you what you do with it, but don’t expect me to be pleased for you because I’m not. I’ve lived with you for the past few weeks. I’ve seen what he’s done to you.’ She yanked open the fridge door and grabbed the milk. ‘In my opinion, you’ve made a huge mistake letting him worm his way back into your life and your bed. But it’s your mistake to make and, because I love you, I’ll be here for you when it all goes wrong which it absolutely will do.’ She poured the milk into her bowl, splashing it all over the worktop.
‘You don’t know that,’ I protested.
‘Jemma! Wake up! I’d love him to prove me wrong, but I know he’s going to break your heart again. I wouldn’t be surprised if nothing’s changed and he’s still playing the family man with his wife and twins.’
She grabbed her bowl and spoon and headed past me towards the bedrooms. She stopped by the door and turned to face me. ‘I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but it’s only because I care. Be careful, Jem. People who play with fire tend to get burnt.’
* To Scott
Sorry about Leah this morning. She’s worried you’re going to hurt me again xx
* From Scott
Then I’ll have to work extra hard at proving her wrong. You’re my forever, Jemma. I know I’ve messed up spectacularly but I will make it up to you. It’s over with Fiona and I’ll tell her on Sunday, whatever happens. I love you only xx
* To Scott
I love you always. Can’t wait to see you tonight xx
‘What are you grinning at?’ Owen asked, placing a mug of coffee on my desk.
I put my phone down. ‘If I tell you, will you promise not to lecture me?’
He sat on the spare chair opposite me. ‘If it makes you smile but it might make me lecture you, would I be right in guessing that a certain young man is back in your life?’
I nodded. ‘He turned up last night.’ I gave Owen the edited highlights.
When I finished, he shrugged and sighed. ‘I’d love to be excited for you. I really would.’
‘But you can’t.’
Owen stood up and sighed again. ‘Sorry, Jemma. In my experience, leopards don’t change their spots. I hope he proves me wrong, though. I want him to. I really do.’
* To Scott
Just told Owen. He was as enthusiastic as Leah :(
* To Scott
Don’t let them get you down. Grab some of those bears and give them a hug. I’ll prove them all wrong. I promise xx
Moments later, he posted a Facebook selfie of him blowing me a kiss.
Despite Scott’s reassurances and the regular contact from him, including the reactivation of his Facebook account, my stomach was still in knots. Had I done the right thing? Nobody else seemed to think so. Leah had obviously passed on the “good news” to Tiff and Drew because I’d had texts from both of them. Whilst stopping short of lecturing me, they didn’t exactly convey excitement at my news.
I needed reassurance from someone. At lunchtime, I phoned Karen, hoping to catch her on a break.
‘You think I’m making a mistake too, don’t you?’ I said when Karen remained silent after I’d told her about Scott’s reappearance. ‘It’s okay. You can say it. Leah, Tiff, Drew and Owen have all made it clear that I must have a screw loose.’
‘I’m trying to put myself in your shoes,’ she said. ‘How would I feel if I’d just discovered that Ryan wasn’t really called Ryan, that he was married and had been since way before we met so had basically been unfaithful to me the whole time we were together and, on top of that, his wife had given birth to premature twins who he’d just walked out on? Would I consider him to be a catch? Would he still be the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? Could I trust him not to meet some other random stranger on a train platform, give her a false name, have an affair with her, and walk out on me and our kids a few years down the line? With an attractive proposition like that, it’s certainly a dilemma.’
I sighed and slumped back in my chair. ‘When you put it like that, it makes me seem so pathetic.’
‘No. It makes him seem pathetic. Not you. I’m just not convinced he’s going to leave his wife and kids and, if he does, what sort of bloke is he? Honestly, Jemma, who abandons their new-born babies like that?’
‘My dad?’ I suggested. ‘Your dad?’
There was silence for a moment then we both started giggling.
‘Sorry for having a go,’ Karen said when the giggles finally subsided. ‘But you did ask.’
‘I know. And I wanted the truth.’
‘And you knew you’d get it from me.’
True. But I’d also wanted reassurances and was sure I’d have been able to rely on Karen to understand and see it from my point of view. It was worth one more push. ‘You do understand why I’m back with him, though, don’t you?’
Silence for a moment, then a big sigh. ‘I do, Jemma. I wish I didn’t, but I do. If it had been Ryan, I don’t know if I’d have been able to walk away either. I love that dopey idiot so much.’
‘So you’d give him another try if you were in my shoes?’
‘I’d be cautious about it but, yes, I’d try again. I know how much you love him. If you walk away now, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what if. Whether it will turn out to be the right thing in the long run, I don’t know. Whether it’s the right thing right now, I’d say that, for you, it is. You have my blessing if that’s what you want.’
‘It is. Thank you. Speaking of Ryan, I haven’t seen him in ages. How’s he doing?’
‘Great. Did I tell you he and Steff have got a place on the London Marathon next year?’
‘No. I remember you saying he’d entered, but I didn’t know he’d heard.’
‘Yeah, last week I think it was. He’s always wanted to do it. So has Steff.’
‘You didn’t enter, though?’
‘Not my thing. I love running, obviously, but that distance just doesn’t do it for me. They’ve set up a running club as a spin-off to the bootcamp and PT and it’s doing really well.’
‘World domination next?’
Karen laughed. ‘Something like that. I’ve got to go. I’ve got a PT session in ten minutes. Let me know how it goes this weekend.’
‘I will. Thanks, Karen.’
I disconnected the call and breathed in deeply. Thank God someone was on my side. No, that wasn’t fair. They were all on my side, which was why they were so negative about Scott. I was a big girl, though, and if Scott was a mistake, then he was a mistake I wanted and needed to make. I’d
have appreciated their understanding about that.
‘I make you some spaghetti?’ The waiter knew. Of course he knew. Everyone in La Vecchia Scuola knew that I’d been stood up. Two hours I’d waited. Two long, painful hours during which my imagination took me to hell and back. I imagined illness, accident, death. I pictured everything from emergency surgery on the twins, through to him and Fiona curled up on the sofa laughing at me for thinking Scott Hastings was a real person and how I’d fallen for his lies yet again.
‘Just the bill please,’ I said to the waiter.
He shook his head. ‘Olives. They not enough. You tiny. You… how you say? You shrink away.’
I gave him a half-smile. ‘Waste away.’
‘Waste away. Yes. You do that.’
‘Thanks, but I’m not hungry anymore. Sorry. Just the bill.’
‘He have wrong time?’ the waiter suggested.
‘Who?’
‘Your boyfriend. He mixed up? Wrong time? Wrong day?’
Oh yes, he was mixed up alright. And he’d made his decision. Choosing me? Yeah, right. He’d chosen them. My friends had all been right about the inevitable outcome. He’d broken my heart yet again. And I’d let him.
The tube home was heaving. A hen party of girls in their early twenties wearing angel wings and halos tottered up and down the carriage on impractical heels. I found my mind drifting to what I’d have done for my hen do. I’d always fancied a weekend away in Dublin. Would that be good for a hen do? Or I could stay in London and do a meal and show. Or what about…? I had to stop myself. What was I doing? Scott and I weren’t going to make it down the aisle. Even if he wasn’t already married to someone else, the no-show this evening, the unanswered calls, the ignored texts all sent out a very clear message. I hoped desperately that nothing had happened to the twins but, whether it had or not, I knew I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be the other woman. It wasn’t fair to her, the twins, or me. When – if – he came crawling back to me, I had to be strong. I had to say no.
Bear With Me Page 11