Even though I was expecting a call, I still jumped when my phone rang shortly after 10.00pm. I looked at Sam who’d insisted on accompanying me home, especially when he’d heard that Leah was out at the theatre with some work colleagues, and Trish and Drew were both working a night shift. He nodded encouragingly as I connected the call.
‘Hello?’
‘Jemma Browne?’
‘Yes?’
‘It’s PC Gavin Haines. I wanted to let you know that we’ve found your mother.’
I gripped the arm of the sofa. ‘Is she okay?’
‘She’s a bit confused but she’s not hurt or anything.’
‘Where was she?’
‘Trying to get into a house in Fountain Street.’
‘No! Why would she…?’ I put my hand over my mouth as the street name registered. ‘It wasn’t number 62, was it?’
There was a pause and a rustle of paper. ‘Yes, number 62. I understand you used to live there.’
‘Yes, but we moved to Little Sandby ten years ago. Was she really trying to break in?’
‘Not quite. She had a set of keys out and, of course, they wouldn’t fit so she rang the bell and the current owner answered. You won’t believe who lives there.’
To be honest, with everything that had happened that night, I’d have believed him if he’d told me that George Michael, David Bowie, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson were alive and well and had taken up residence there, working on new material for their super-group. ‘Surprise me.’
‘Sarah Derbyshire from the florists.’
‘No!’
‘Her husband bought the house from your parents. He recognised your mother and, of course, Sarah knew to phone us.’
‘Oh my God! I can’t believe she went back to our old home.’ I glanced at Sam who gave me a sympathetic look. ‘Where is she now?’
‘I’m at the hospital with her. She’s getting checked over by a doctor.’
‘What happens next? I’d come home but I’m in London. There’s no trains running at this time of night and I don’t have a car.’
‘Assuming she’s not admitted into hospital, is there somewhere she can go?’
‘Rachel will look after her. She’s the one who dropped the keys off earlier.’
‘Good. She gave me her number so I’ll get in touch with her. I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry. There’s nothing you can do right now except get a good night’s sleep and get home when you’re able to.’
I thanked him for his help and hung up. I could feel the tears welling up, but I needed to be strong. ‘I’d better phone Rachel,’ I muttered, scrolling for her number again.
After I’d spoken to her, though, I couldn’t be strong anymore. Some sort of sniff/cough/hiccup sound erupted from me then hot tears coursed down my cheeks. In an instant, Sam was by my side, with strong, comforting arms around me.
‘They’ve found her, Jemma. She’s safe. She isn’t hurt. Keep focusing on that.’ He pushed a tendril of hair away from my face. ‘I know it’s frightening, but she’s in the best place to get the help she needs and, because of what’s happened, Dr Steadman will have to re-assess her.’
When I’d finally calmed down, he gave me another reassuring squeeze, before releasing me. Curling my legs up under me, I picked up one of Tiff’s brightly coloured scatter cushions and hugged it to my chest. ‘It’s times like this when I wish I didn’t live in London. I feel so far away and so useless.’
Sam shifted his position slightly so he could face me on the other end of the sofa. ‘I’ve got a car. Actually, I haven’t. I’ve got a bright orange campervan but I can drive you home right now if you like. I have to warn you that he isn’t very fast. His maximum speed is about 60 and he drops to 40 on the slightest incline.’ He smiled. ‘It always drove me mad that it took an eternity to get anywhere but Nikki used to say that the world was too full of people who spent their lives rushing around, and a slower journey made the arrival all the more delicious.’
I wiped my eyes and looked up at Sam again, but he’d broken eye contact and was staring into space, a wistful expression on his face. Had he just used the past tense when talking about Nikki or was it just a turn of phrase? Oh no! Had they split up? Was that why he’d moved to London? Maybe she’d met someone else. Maybe it was someone at work so he’d needed to get away from them both. I decided to broach the subject carefully, aware that it was none of my business, but I really liked Sam. The connection to Whitsborough Bay probably helped, but he genuinely felt like a friend I’d known for years instead of a work colleague of my housemate, who I’d only just met.
‘That’s very generous,’ I said, ‘but that’s a hell of a long journey. Especially at those speeds. And it’s late. You could fall asleep at the wheel.’
‘I doubt it. I hardly sleep these days. I honestly don’t mind.’
‘You might not mind, but I bet Nikki would. I’m not sure I’d like my fiancé disappearing on a road trip with another woman he’s only just met.’
‘Nikki wouldn’t have minded. She wasn’t the jealous type.’ He was still staring into space, but I noticed his jaw tighten and that was definitely two uses of the past tense. Crap. They had split up.
‘Wasn’t?’ I asked, tentatively.
He swallowed a couple of times then turned to face me again. ‘Nikki… erm… she…’
‘Go on…’ I readied myself for a tale of infidelity, knowing from personal experience exactly what that felt like.
‘Nikki’s not around anymore.’
‘You split up?’
He shook his head slowly, biting on his lip.
I gasped. ‘No! She’s…?’
He nodded. ‘It was meant to be our wedding in June. It would have been her 30th birthday that day too but she never made it out of her twenties. Aneurism. Last November.’
My eyes filled with tears. ‘Oh my God, Sam! I had no idea. Tiff never said.’
‘She wouldn’t. She doesn’t know. Nobody at work knows except my manager and I asked him to keep it confidential. The plan was to start afresh, you know, away from the sympathetic looks, colleagues treading on eggshells, and all the memories.’
‘I’m so sorry, Sam. That must have been horrendous.’
‘It’s been pretty tough.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Sorry, Jemma, this wasn’t meant to be about me.’
‘I’m listening…’
He took a deep breath. ‘If you’re sure… We were on North Beach. It was an icy cold day with a biting wind. The sort of day that takes your breath away but it’s so exhilarating being out in it.’
He looked at me and I nodded. I knew that sort of bracing weather and I loved it too.
‘We’d been talking about our future together. Plans to do up the flat. The wedding. She stopped walking and put her hand to her head. I asked if she was okay. She said her head hurt and joked that she wasn’t as tough as she looked and would bring a hat next time. She took another step then dropped to the sand. Minutes later, she was gone.’
I clapped my hand over my mouth. ‘No!’
‘Sadly, yes.’
‘Oh, Sam. That’s awful. How are you coping?’
‘Good days and bad days. I thought that moving away from Whitsborough Bay would help to ease the pain by taking me away from the places that remind me of Nikki. The problem is, I don’t know anyone here so I’ve got lots of spare time to think. The more I think, the angrier I get that the life we should have had together was snatched away just like that.’ He clicked his fingers.
The pain in his eyes and the grief in his voice was so raw that I couldn’t stop the tears from coursing down my cheeks again. I completely understood how it felt to have your future disappear just like that. Even though Scott hadn’t died, he was still out of my life for good, and it felt almost like a bereavement.
>
‘Sorry Jemma, I didn’t mean to make you cry again,’ Sam said. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘I didn’t give you much choice, did I?’
‘I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, you know. It’s just that…’
I nodded. ‘I know. Saying it makes it that bit more real, doesn’t it? A bit like me saying the word “dementia”. It’s so hard.’
Sam put his arms out and I gratefully cuddled into him again, crying for him, for his lost fiancée, me facing the future without Scott, and for Mum, Sean, and what the future meant for our little family. When there were no more tears left, I didn’t move, and neither did Sam. I lay against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, feeling safe.
Chapter 23
Sam
I’m not sure what woke me up: stiff neck, the chill in the flat or the beep of Jemma’s phone. Probably a combination of all three. It took me a moment to work out where the hell I was. That had been one seriously deep sleep; better than I’d experienced since before Nikki died.
Jemma was sound asleep, slumped against me. Her phone beeped again and lit up on the coffee table. I could make out the name ‘Rachel’. It was obviously about her mum. I needed to wake her up.
Shifting position slightly so I could nudge her, Jemma slipped into a resting position against my chest. She mumbled something in her sleep, then put her arm around my waist, snuggling up to me.
‘Jemma!’ I whispered. ‘Jemma!’ A bit louder.
A key turned in the lock and a woman of similar height and build to Tiff, but with a sensible brunette bob, entered the room. She stopped when she saw me looking over the sofa.
‘Hello?’
‘Hi. I’m Sam,’ I whispered. ‘You must be Tiff’s twin.’
She smiled. ‘Ah! Dr Jones! We meet at last,’ she whispered. ‘I thought we had squatters for a moment.’ She removed her coat and hung it up. ‘I’m Leah, by the way. The sensible one. Allegedly. Where’s Jemma? And why are we whispering?’
I pointed towards my chest. Leah took a few paces forward and peeked over the sofa. ‘Aw. Looks cosy.’
‘She’s had a tough night,’ I whispered. ‘Her mum went AWOL and left the shop unlocked, but the police found her.’
‘Oh my God! Is she okay?’
‘I think so.’
Leah wandered round to the other side of the sofa and stood over us. ‘Aw. She looks so peaceful. After everything she’s been through recently, it seems a shame to wake her.’
‘She’s had a text from her mum’s friend. I think she’d want to read it.’
Jemma wriggled in her sleep, resulting in her snuggling even closer to me. A tendril of hair dropped across her face and she wrinkled her nose as it tickled her. I gently moved it aside and tucked it behind her ear.
‘What?’ I whispered, looking up at Leah. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’
She shook her head. ‘Nothing. You just look like a couple, snuggled up like that and what you did with her hair was so…’ She sighed. ‘Ignore me. Must stop reading romance novels.’
She crouched down and placed her hand on Jemma’s shoulder, shaking her gently. ‘Jem-ma, Jem-ma,’ she said in a sing-song voice.
‘Mum?’ Jemma muttered, stirring.
‘No. It’s Leah. I’m here with Sam. You fell asleep.’
‘What?’
‘You fell asleep on Sam. You’ve got a text from…’ Leah looked at me. ‘Who’s it from?’
‘Rachel.’
‘Rachel?’ Jemma sat upright and reached out her right hand for her phone, rubbing her eyes with left hand. ‘Was I laid on you?’ she asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Sorry.’
‘It’s fine.’
She rubbed her eyes again and fiddled with her phone. ‘It’s nothing to worry about. She wanted me to know that she’s checked on Mum who’s sound asleep and that Sean’s fine too. She’ll ring me in the morning. I’d better reply.’
Leah headed for the kitchen area and put the kettle on. I realised I had no idea what time it was although, unless Leah’s theatre trip had turned into a pub crawl then clubs, it couldn’t be that late. I pulled my phone out of my pocket. 12.27pm. We could only have been asleep for about three quarters of an hour, yet I’d never felt more refreshed. I stretched and yawned.
‘I should head home.’
Jemma sent her text then put her phone down. ‘You don’t have to go. I can get you a spare duvet and you can crash here if you want.’
‘Thanks, but I’d have to be up early to get ready for work so I might as well head off now.’ I stood up. Jemma followed me towards the door.
‘Thanks for everything tonight,’ she said. ‘I don’t think I’d have coped if I’d been on my own.’
‘You’re made of stronger stuff than you think, but I’m glad I was here for you. Remember what you promised me at the start of the night?’
She frowned for a moment then smiled. ‘Oh yeah, no drama. Epic fail! If you can bear to spend another evening in my company, hopefully it’ll be third time lucky.’
‘I’d like that,’ I said, knowing that I genuinely would.
‘I would too. I’d like to hear more about Nikki, if it doesn’t hurt too much.’
‘It hurts, but I think it would do me good. And you’ll tell me about Scott?’
She nodded. ‘We can be the lost fiancées club.’ Her eyes widened and she gasped. ‘I can’t believe I just said that. Oh God! It sounds so… I don’t know… so… so trite. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.’
‘Don’t worry about it. I know what you mean. I think it would be helpful for both of us. Scott may not have died but, as you say, you’ve still lost him and you’re grieving that.’
She looked up at me, pain in her eyes. ‘How do you get through each day?’
‘Honestly? With great difficulty sometimes. The important thing is that you do get through it.’
I’m not sure who moved first but it seemed natural to hug again. It had been hard telling her, but I felt like I’d taken another one of those baby steps. Despite the empathy and understanding that my parents, Jack and Millie, and other well-meaning friends had shown, none of them had really understood. None of them had lost someone they loved. But Jemma had. He may not be dead but she’d certainly suffered a sudden and unexpected loss. And for a brief moment, much as I wasn’t a believer in fate, I wondered if Jemma and I had been brought together for a reason. She needed me and I needed her.
A text came through while I was getting ready for work after a few surprisingly deep hours of sleep back at my flat:
* From Jemma
Hi Sam. Just wanted to let you know that I’ve spoken to Rachel this morning. Mum’s OK but was in the shower so I haven’t spoken to her yet. Owen’s given me the rest of the week off so I’m getting the 10.30 train home. Back on Sunday. Thanks for being there when I needed you last night. You’re my knight in shining armour. I’m so sorry again about Nikki. I’m here for you x
* To Jemma
Keep me posted about your mum and shout up if I can give you any more advice. Thanks for listening. I haven’t told anyone down here about Nikki but talking to you helped. Would you mind if I tell Tiff myself? No problem if you’ve already told her x
* From Jemma
She’s not back from work yet but I wouldn’t say anything. It’s your news for when you’re feeling ready. Leah doesn’t know either so it won’t accidentally get back to Tiff or Drew x
* To Jemma
Thanks. Hope it goes well at home this weekend. I’m at the end of a phone if you need me x
* From Jemma
Thanks. And sorry again about the lost fiancées club comment. OMG! What was that?! *blushes*
She followed it up with a sticker of a cartoon panda’s face with bright red cheeks, which made me
laugh. It was exactly the sort of thing Nikki would have done. She’d always been able to make light of a bad situation and not let it get her down. I was more of a thinker and could really dwell on things. Nikki wouldn’t let me. She’d make me talk about it, learn from it, and move on. So what had I done since she’d died? Refuse to talk about it, run away from it, and let it control my life.
Until last night. Opening up to Jemma felt like a weight had been lifted from me and I’m sure that’s what had led to the best night’s sleep I’d had since before Nikki died. Plus there was an open invite to talk more. I wanted to. I felt like I could talk to her about Nikki and not just because we were both in the “lost fiancées club”. I would have and could have talked to her anyway. Why had I bottled it up for so long? Not talking about Nikki wasn’t going to suddenly magic her back to life. Not talking about her certainly hadn’t stopped me thinking about her every waking hour and most of the hours I should have been sleeping too. Maybe talking about her would help me focus on the good times, stop beating myself up for not being able to do anything to help her, and give me the strength to face the next year, the next five years, the next ten years without her. And who knows, maybe I would meet someone else one day and do the marriage and kids thing, although I doubted that I’d ever feel the same way about anyone else as I did about Nikki. Lightning wasn’t supposed to strike twice, was it?
Chapter 24
Jemma
‘I had a feeling this would happen.’ Owen sighed then slowly re-folded the letter and returned it to the envelope as we sat at his desk with mugs of tea on Monday morning.
‘Sorry. You know how much I love this place and working for you, but I can’t see that I have a choice. Mum needs me, even if she doesn’t want to admit it. Sean needs me and he has admitted it. He’s scared and confused which is hardly surprising. I’m 28 and I’m finding it hard. The poor kid’s only ten.’
‘It won’t be the same around here without you.’ Owen gently placed his hand over mine.
‘I’m scared,’ I admitted, blinking back the tears. I was determined not to cry yet again. I felt like that’s all I’d done lately. ‘What if I’m not strong enough for them both?’
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