He rubs his head, trying to soothe the massive headache that he doubtless has. “What— what’s the matter, Alex?”
I gasp, open mouthed. “What’s the fucking matter?” I practically scream at him. “Look at yourself, look at your neck. You tell me what the matter is!” I’m livid.
He raises his hand to his neck, of course, he can’t feel anything.
“Have a look in the bloody mirror!” I yell at him.
He all but staggers to the hall and to the mirror. “Oh shit!” I hear him whisper.
“Yes, oh shit!” I snipe at him. “Get yourself out of my house and back to your little slapper!” I can feel the start of tears, but I’m not going to cry. This is a battle that I will win.
“It’s not what you think, Alex, it’s not. We didn’t do anything, it was just… just kissing,” he pleads.
“You don’t get bloody hickeys from kissing! What do you think I am? I know I’m inexperienced but even I know that. Have your bit of tin back and get out of my house!” I yell, plonking the pendant on the island in front of him.
“It was just kissing, honestly.” His head’s down, his voice so very hoarse. “Look, ask Clive, ask the doorman. He’s the one who arranged a cab for me to come home, and the girl who waited on us. Oh shit, Alex, I’m so sorry!”
I look at him and could swear he’s welling up. “Alex, I really, really like you. I’d never, ever do anything to hurt you, I promise. Oh hell, I’m so sorry.” He looks totally distraught, his big eyes bloodshot but wide, fearful.
“Come here.” He pulls me towards him, grabbing me around my waist. “Please, just let me prove to you that nothing happened. Please,” he begs.
“You smell like shit!” I counter.
“That’s unkind,” he says sulkily.
I jab my fingers into his chest. “No, James, it’s the truth. I always speak the truth, I always have and always will. You smell like a brewery! And you’re not forgiven, not yet anyway. And I will speak with Clive and that girl.”
“Come to bed with me, Alex.” Now he’s really pushing it.
“James, no! You’re still pissed, you stink and you’ve got God-knows-what all over your shirt. No! I’m not coming anywhere near you until that has gone!” I push my finger hard against the mark on his neck and he flinches. Good, I hope it hurt! “You need a shower before we continue this conversation. Anyway, I have to wait for Anna to call with her results this morning.”
He makes himself a coffee and sips it slowly. He winces as it’s hot, good!
“I’ll go and shower, shall I?” He sounds humble.
“Yes, James. That would be a very good idea!” I snap at him. He really does stink.
As he drags himself out the kitchen he looks back at me. “That bit of tin came from Tiffany’s. The box is at my office.” He turns around and heads off upstairs, leaving me open mouthed with my tea. Picking up the pendant, I look at it closely. I can just make out the Tiffany mark on the chain and pendant. Shit, how much did this cost him? Is it silver or gold? I slip it back around my neck, the safest place, and glance at the clock again. It won’t be long now before Anna calls, hopefully not more than another half an hour and she’ll have her results.
I sit with another cup of tea and piece of dry toast, my mobile and home phone by me in the kitchen. I’m chewing my cuticles and fiddling with the tie of my robe, waiting for Anna to call. I place my hand over the diamond heart around my neck. Have I judged James too quickly?
I keep checking the clock. I see 8.45 and 9.00, and still no call from Anna. Part of me wants to think that no news is good news, yet another part of me thinks she’s avoiding calling me because it’s all gone wrong.
As I start to tidy the kitchen, I hear James coming downstairs. My stomach feels off this morning, maybe from not eating last night and only a piece of toast for breakfast this morning.
“Don’t you want to leave that for your new housekeeper – Muriel, isn’t it?” he asks.
“I need to do something, need to keep busy until Anna calls. You look better, but we still have to talk.” I remind him that he’s not off the hook yet.
He’s changed into a pair of dark grey trousers and a white open-necked shirt.
“I know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he mutters, looking down.
“Do you want some breakfast or are you going straight off?” I ask.
He shrugs his shoulders, looking remorseful. “I thought I’d wait until Anna calls, I’d like to congratulate her…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence when my mobile rings. I look at the screen. “It’s Anna.” I look up at the drunk.
He winces at the sound of the phone and looks at it and then at me. His head must absolutely kill this morning. Good! “Well, answer it then!”
I press the green accept button. “Anna!”
“Hi Mum.” Oh God, she sounds disappointed. I can hear lots of noise in the background, whooping and laughing.
“Well, how did you do? What did you get?” I’m impatient to find out how she did.
“Umm…” she says.
“Anna, love, please tell me. What did you get?” I press for information. Please, come on, tell me!
The laughter in the background continues and, if anything, becomes louder.
She laughs, the sound of her voice, well… it’s such a happy sound. “Mum, I did much better than I thought I would! I’m so happy!”
“Yes, so what did you get?” I am insistent, firm.
I raise an eyebrow and shrug my shoulders at James, who is now sitting at the island with his head in his hands. Serves him right!
I plead with my daughter. “Anna, please just put me out of my misery and tell me what you got!”
“I only got…” I know now that she’s winding me up, making me wait, delaying telling me.
“Yes, Anna, you only got what?” I’m firm now.
“Straight As! Mum, I got straight As!” She laughs and then cries.
“Oh Anna, my love, that’s just fantastic! I am so very, very proud of you!” I cover the mouth-piece of my phone and look at James. “Straight As,” I whisper. I’m so proud of my clever girl.
He looks up and punches the air. “Go Anna!” he shouts at the top of his voice, and then holds his head with both hands, clearly nursing the hangover from hell!
“Is that James I can hear?” Anna asks.
“Yes, it is… He has a sore head this morning.” I look at James and frown. He looks in so much pain. He looks back at me, pulling a face.
“So, how did Katie do?” I ask.
“Oh, not so good. She’s a bit upset, she got a D and a C and the third one was unclassified.”
“Oh no, the poor girl. What’s she going to do?” I feel so sad for Katie, she had such high hopes.
Anna sighs. “Re-sit as soon as possible, but she’ll miss entrance this year. She’ll have a year out, I think, maybe go and work somewhere.”
“Tell her I’m so sorry.” I really am, Katie deserves to have done so much better.
“I will do. I’ve got to go. We’re going to celebrate at a pub.”
“Well, just be careful,” I say, suddenly realising what she’s said. “Pub? Anna, it’s only just past nine!” I’m surprised the school are allowing them all to troop off to the pub, but then I suppose at eighteen years old there’s not a lot they can do to stop it.
She laughs again. “Well, you only get these results once.”
“Just be careful. Have you accepted a place yet?” I ask.
“No, next phone call – Birmingham, I think.”
I take a breath. “Just keep me in the picture. We’ll need to get an apartment sorted for you before you go anywhere, but I’ll see you before you go on your holiday.”
“Sure, Mum. Love you.” She clears the call and she’s gone.
James stands up from his stool and walks over to me. He opens his arms and I step into a huge bear hug. “I’m sorry for walking out,” I say to his neck as I nuzzle him.
“No, my fault. If I hadn’t have been so sulky you wouldn’t have gone. And I’m sorry I danced with someone else, and kissed…” He stops as I put my hand over his mouth.
We stand, just holding each other. He touches the pendant. “It’s real, you know,” he says softly.
“I don’t doubt it, but I didn’t see if was from Tiffany until you said. James, it must have cost a fortune!” I look up at him, frowning.
“Are you not worth it?”
I sigh and hug him closer. “You’re sure you didn’t do anything other than kiss? You absolutely swear to it?” I press.
He kisses the top of my head. “No, I swear, Alex, nothing happened.”
“Good. Well, maybe I can forgive you. I need to pee,” I announce.
I dash off to the loo downstairs and do what I have to do. When I’m finished I wipe myself clean only to notice lots of blood on the tissue. I know I missed my last period, maybe it’s the menopause, early… I flush the loo and wash my hands when the most intense pain grips my lower stomach. I wrap my arms around myself and lean forward, crying out at the sheer strength of the cramp that has gripped me.
“James!” I call. “James, come here… now!”
The door opens and he stands there, watching me doubled in two. “Shit, Alex! What’s wrong – you’re white!” He looks so shocked, taking a sharp breath.
I hold my stomach. “Period, bad period.”
He puts his arm around me. “Do you want to go upstairs?”
“I think I should – oh God!” Another cramp hits me this time as I stand at the bottom of the stairs. I feel an absolute gush as my womb contracts, ejecting everything onto the floor. I’m standing there in a pool of blood.
“This isn’t right… is it?” he asks, looking at me.
“No, not at all. Oh, here it comes again!” I groan with pain.
“I’m calling an ambulance.” He pulls his phone from his pocket and dials 999, gives all the details and within a few minutes we have an ambulance parked outside my home.
The paramedics are very good and I’m whisked off to the local accident and emergency department. By the time we get there I’ve bled out significantly, although I’m sure it looks a lot worse than it actually is. We’re seen very quickly by a young lady doctor who takes all of my details. All of the time we’re there James holds my hand, never letting go. A scan is arranged and shortly after I’m advised that I’m miscarrying a pregnancy that is only a few weeks old.
I’m stunned. Deep down I think I knew last night that I was pregnant, but it’s still a shock. James is mortified, one hand permanently attached to mine, the other wedged in his curls.
When we’re on our own he holds my hand tighter. “I thought you’d be on the pill,” he says very quietly. I assume he’s not wanting the people in the bay next door to hear.
“No, never had any need, James. You know that Lewis and I didn’t really have a sexual relationship so I never bothered, it only makes me put weight on anyway. I thought, given my age, I was past my most fertile,” I mutter.
“I’m gutted,” he announces. I look into his face, his perfect features twisted as if he’s doing his utmost to stop himself from breaking down.
I’m so surprised. “Are you?” `
“Yes, I really, really am. I would have loved a child. A son, you know, to kick a football around with, or a little girl in pink who will bake muffins for me.” I can hear the pain in his voice as he talks quietly to me.
“I never had you down as the fatherly type. Just shows how little we know of each other really.” I look up at him from the hospital bed. I’m genuinely surprised by his announcement of wanting children.
He holds my hand close to his cheek and kisses the back. As he does, another cramp hits and I roll to my side, bringing my knees up to my chest. I cry out again, I feel like a total wuss!
“I’ll get someone.” He drops my hand, stands and pulls the curtains back.
I grit my teeth through the cramp. “No, don’t. I’m surprised they haven’t sent me home already, that’s what they would normally do. If I’m only a few weeks there’s nothing that can be done.”
“But it’s not right!” He grabs the nurse that walks by first. “My girlfriend is in a lot of pain, is there anything that can be done?”
“Let me have a look at her notes.” The nurse is very pleasant. She opens the file at the end of the bed and reads through carefully.
“I can get you some standard painkillers but that’s all we can do. Unfortunately this just has to run its course, although as you’re in so much pain now it sounds like it will be over very quickly. Most early miscarriages can take a few days to be expelled.” She moves over to me and holds my hand. “Are you feeling okay, emotionally?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, I thought skipping last month was just the start of the menopause.” I smile.
“Oh.” She looks surprised. “How old are you?”
“I’m forty-two, why?” I answer.
She smiles. “You don’t look it. Well, Mrs Drake, the average age for menopause is around fifty-two, but to get that average you have to have some ladies much younger and some much older. I would say you’ve a few years to go before you reach that. Do you want a baby?” she asks us both.
“Yes!” James pipes up.
“Well, give it a couple of months and try again,” the nurse says to me. “I’m sure you’ll be fine next time. I’ll speak with the doctor to get you discharged. We’ll get you some painkillers and you can get yourself off home, you’ll be much better there and we’re only a short drive away if you need us.” She pats my arm and gives me a cheery smile. What a lovely lady.
After she leaves to get my discharge papers and painkillers, James hugs me closely, tenderly and protectively.
“I am so, so sorry for the way I treated you last night,” he says. “I’m sorry for this, I know you didn’t know you were pregnant but nonetheless, it’s our baby that I would have loved with all of my heart, as I love you.”
I look up at him, My James, the Bossman. I can’t believe he’s just said that, I truly can’t. “I thought this was just a fling? I never knew that you felt that way.”
He pulls me closer. “A fling? You don’t know how much you mean to me and I mean every damn word of what I say. Something tells me that I’m here to protect you, to make sure that you’re loved and cared for… I don’t know, like it’s my purpose. Does that sound stupid?”
“No, not stupid, just very unexpected. I suppose we should really get to know each other better, yes?” I say quietly, and I mean it, we need to get to know each other much better than we do.
He leans forward and places a soft kiss on my forehead. “I suppose so. I want to take you away, I want to worship you and care for you, I want to make you mine, wholly mine. I mean it, Alex.”
This is happening far too quickly. In the space of – what, almost three months, I’ve become a very wealthy woman, left my bastard of a husband and now I have what some people may describe as a toy-boy, although we don’t look that dissimilar in age. Now, said boy tells me he loves me. My head’s in a mess.
James moves and sits on the bed beside me, his arm wrapped around my shoulder pulling me close, his chin on the top of my head. It’s so nice to feel wanted, to feel loved, but I can’t get past the fact that I feel unworthy of his love and affection. My mind’s running overtime as another cramp hits and I lean forward. He holds me all the while through the pain.
“Has it passed?” he asks softly.
“Umm.”
The nurse appears with my discharge papers, an information leaflet and a white box of pills. She tells James, as though I’m not even there, that if this happens or that happens then he’s to bring me straight back, although the doctors don’t envisage any problems. She gives James a huge pad, which he looks at with a what am I supposed to do with this look, and tells him to help me dress, which he does, including helping affix said pad into my knickers. I�
�m gobsmacked, there’s no way Lewis would ever have done that. I take two painkillers with the water from the side of the bed and we make our way outside where he flags down a cab. We’re home in twenty minutes and he insists I go directly to bed where he proceeds to tuck me up.
“I’ll call the hotel, tell them I won’t be in today. Someone else can cover and I’ll call Anna, let her know you’re not well,” he announces. God, he’s going to be like a bloody mother hen.
“No, don’t bother Anna, she’s out enjoying herself. I’ll talk to her tomorrow, and don’t tell anyone what the matter is, it’s private!” I’m firm about this.
“I won’t. I promise,” he assures me.
He disappears from my room. I curl up on my side and bring my knees to my chest as I was advised to do, close my eyes, and eventually sleep takes over. James wakes me a few hours later with some supper. Bless him, he’s made the most dainty little ham sandwiches, cut the crusts off and prepared a delightful-looking tray complete with a cup of tea in my finest Georgian Blue china. I’m not really hungry but I manage a couple of the triangles.
“You need to eat, Alex. It’ll be good for you!” I am told by my make-shift nurse.
“I’m fine, that’s all I want,” I insist.
“How’s the pain now – any better?” he asks, fussing around.
“A little. I think the worst has passed. I need to use the loo.” I start to move.
He moves the tray and pulls the duvet back. He helps me from the bed and walks me towards my bathroom, although I don’t need help walking. He accompanies me into the bathroom and stands there looking at me.
“I can pee on my own James.” I look at him. “You can go.” I signal towards the door and for him to leave.
“Oh, okay. I’ll wait outside. Shout if you want me.” He leaves and I close the door. I’ve never had so much attention paid to me, well, not in my adult life anyway. I feel so protected, cherished, I suppose.
I do what I need to and clean myself up. But what do I do about James? I can’t tell him that I love him too because I don’t know if I do, not at the moment anyway. It’s all a bit too quick. I think I’m still too hurt from Lewis to consider loving another man, and James did hurt me last night. Maybe things will change in time. Maybe I need to talk to someone, something I’ve never done in the past. The more I ponder the thought the more I convince myself that, yes, I think I need to talk, it’s time to talk. I’m only forty-two, I could have another forty years at least, and I don’t want to spend them alone, that I do know.
Freeing Alex (The Alexandra Drake Series) Page 26