by Joyce Meyer
Country singer Wynonna Judd knows what can happen when you don’t think about yourself. At 17, she had accepted Christ, but the whirlwind years of fame and fortune had created a deep sense of insecurity for her. She felt like she had to take care of everyone. She worked through two pregnancies so she could ensure that the thirty families of her crew would continue to have an income; she ate when she felt empty inside and she spent enormous amounts of money on her family and friends, including the homeless people she sometimes brought into her home.
The need to please everyone eventually caught up with her and in 2004, Wynonna found herself overweight, out of money, guilt-stricken and close to losing her 525-acre farm. She had to surrender to God and start taking care of herself again. She’s now twenty pounds lighter, she’s cut back her excessive spending and she’s learned to say “no.” She’s turning her life around.4
A confident woman can say “no” when she needs to. She can endure people’s displeasure and is able to reason that if the disappointed person truly wants a relationship with her they will get over their disappointment and want her to be free to make her own decisions.
Sometimes you have to say “no” to others in order to say “yes” to yourself, otherwise you will end up bitter and resentful feeling that somewhere in the process of trying to keep others happy you lost yourself.
Women in particular want to please people, especially their family, but they need to be very aggressive in standing against getting out of balance in this area. You are valuable and you need to do things that you want to do as well as doing things for others.
When you do feel you need to say no, you don’t have to give a reason why. So often people want us to justify our decisions and we really don’t need to do that. I try to be led by God’s Spirit—or another way of saying it is I try to be led by my heart—and sometimes I don’t even fully understand why I don’t feel something isn’t right for me. But I have learned if I do feel that way I am not going to go against my own conscience in order to have everyone happy with me. I often say, “I just don’t have peace about it,” or “I don’t feel right about it,” or even a plain old “I don’t want to” is sufficient.
There is nothing wrong with giving a reason if you have one but I think we go overboard in trying to explain ourselves sometimes. If an offended person doesn’t want to understand, they are never going to no matter how many reasons you give. Follow your heart and keep your peace. Say “no” when you need to and “yes” when you should.
7. Spend Time with People Who Give You Space to Be Yourself
Some people are always trying to get us to conform to preset patterns, but there are those rare individuals who actually encourage individuality and nonconformity. We must spend time with people who accept and affirm us. One of the many things I have appreciated about my husband over the years is that he gives me space and even encourages me to be me. For example, I am a person who likes to spend time alone. When I get to the point where I know I need a few hours or even a few days to have my space I can simply tell Dave that and he is not insecure about it at all. He does not feel as if I am rejecting him, but he understands that is just the way I am.
I recently counseled a woman who said her husband was driving her crazy because he would never give her even one hour alone. He wanted to be with her constantly and she on the other hand needed space. When she tried to explain that to him, he got offended and took her need as a personal rejection. To nurture healthy relationships we must give people space and freedom.
Dave and I work together, we travel together in our ministry, we see each other more than most average married couples and we enjoy it. But, there are times when we need to get away from each other. Dave plays golf or just goes out for several hours and hits golf balls. He goes to baseball or football games and that gives him his space. There are evenings when I say to Dave, “Why don’t you go out and hit some golf balls, I need an evening alone,” and he says, “Okay, see you later.” A few times each year I try to get away by myself to reflect, read, pray and just be quiet for several days at a time and Dave is always understanding of my need. It is wonderful to be married to someone who is secure enough to encourage you to be who you are, and help you celebrate your uniqueness and individual needs. Nobody wants to be made to feel as if there is something wrong with them because they want to do something a little out of the ordinary.
If you are tired of living on the beaten path that everyone else walks on all the time, then venture into the woods. Some people would be afraid they would get lost, but a confident woman expects to have a new experience that might be outrageously wonderful.
Of course if we want to be encouraged in our own individuality and independence, we must sow the same type of freedom and respect into other people’s lives. “Live and let live,” should be our motto. There was a time in my life when I was rather narrow-minded and I well remember judging and rejecting one woman in particular who was a rather unique nonconformist. She dressed eclectic long before it became stylish. She was not rebellious against authority, but she was unpredictable and determined to live her own life. She was always doing the unexpected. She was sort of like the wind, you never knew exactly what to expect. That bothered me because in those days I was more of a legalist. Everything had to be one way and that was usually my way.
I look back now and think I probably missed out on a great relationship with someone who could have nurtured freedom in me. But, like many people are, I was fearful of living outside the norm.
I am grateful to God that He has shown me that He wants us to have an exciting life filled with variation and creativity. God created us to be individuals who are able to work together for the common good of all.
Now you [collectively] are Christ’s body and [individually] you are members of it, each part severally and distinct [each with his own place and function]. (1 CORINTHIANS 12:27)
Be sure to spend time with people who encourage you in your quest to be an individual. Find friends who give you space to be yourself, space to make mistakes and who respect your boundaries.
8. Watch Children
Jesus said we should become like little children if we expect to enter the kingdom of God. I believe that one of the things He was telling us is to study the freedom that children enjoy. They are unpretentious and straightforward; they laugh a lot, they’re forgiving and trusting. Children are definitely confident, at least until the world teaches them to be insecure and fearful. I can remember our son Danny at the age of three walking through the shopping mall with Dave and me and saying to people, “I’m Danny Meyer, don’t you want to talk to me?” He was so confident that he was sure everyone wanted to know him better.
Our grandson Austin has always been very bold and confident. I remember him being with us where I was doing a partners conference, and a book signing and photo session with our ministry partners. He was about five years old at the time and because he really wanted to, we let him come on the platform and sing a song he learned at school. The next day I was going to spend some time with our partners, sign their books and have pictures made with them. A large crowd was lining up in the building and our daughter and his mother, Laura, found Austin hiding behind a curtain. When she asked him what he was doing, he said, “I am trying to get some rest from all these people.” She said, “Austin, why do you think these people are here?” He said, “Well, to take my picture of course!” Because of his simple, childlike confidence, Austin automatically assumed all the people were there to see him.
Children seem to be able to make a game out of anything. They quickly adjust, don’t have a problem letting other children be different than they are and are always exploring something new. They are amazed by everything!
Oswald Chambers wrote in My Utmost for His Highest: “The freedom after sanctification is the freedom of a child, the things that used to keep the life pinned down are gone.” We definitely need to watch and study children and obey the command of Jesus to be more like them (M
atthew 18:3). It is something we have to do on purpose as we get older. We all have to grow up and be responsible, but we don’t have to stop enjoying ourselves and life.
Don’t let the world steal your confidence. Remember that you have been created on purpose by the hand of God. He has a special, unique, wonderful plan for you. Go for it! Don’t shrink back, conform, or live in fear.
9. Fight Off Stagnation
Have you ever seen a puddle of water that was stagnant? There’s no circulation, no fresh water source, and the water just sits there. If left over time and the sun doesn’t evaporate it first, bacteria can form and the water can turn green. There’s little life left.
We can slide into stagnation. It happens a little bit at a time and often so slowly that it is almost imperceptible. Once life was exciting and then it seems that suddenly we find ourselves with what the world calls “mid-life crisis.” I think it is no more or less than stagnation. We stop being daring, doing outrageous things, and being creative. We settle in, we slip into the world’s mold, and we conform to what people expect. We become boringly predictable!
I believe everyone will stagnate if they don’t fight it. It is easy to just float along with everyone else doing the same thing every day. Only rare individuals are willing to swim upstream when it would be so easy to float downstream with everyone else. One of the most valuable things I have learned is that there are many things I must do “on purpose.” I can’t wait to feel like doing them.
For example, I purposely take care of my responsibilities in life, because I know it is very important. I give on purpose. I actually look for people to be a blessing to because I have learned the vitally important lesson that Jesus taught about walking in love (Ephesians 5:2, 2 John 1:6). I purposely do something that is a little out of the ordinary for me every once in a while simply because I refuse to live in stagnation. Ipurposely spend time every day in prayer and fellowship with God because I want to honor Him and always give Him His rightful place in my life, which is first place.
I wear different pajamas almost every night. Some people could wear the same thing to sleep every night and never get tired of it, but the same pajamas night after night bores me. Whatever it takes for you to keep your life interesting, do it on purpose. If you take this aggressive action, it will make a big difference in the quality of life you have. Don’t just put in your time here on earth, enjoy your life and make the world glad that you are here.
10. With God, All Things Are Possible
We began this chapter discussing the need to maintain our individuality. You may remember that I said our goal should be to seek a balanced independence. I believe that balance is the key to success in everything. The Bible states that unless we are well balanced the devil will be able to devour us (1 Peter 5:8). Where there is no balance we always find destruction. A gymnast will never successfully complete a routine unless she can achieve balance in her stance. A scientist will have difficulty completing his experiment if he never learns how to balance his scientific instrument. People who never learn how to balance their checkbook can end up in serious financial trouble. Balance is very important!
God has created us as individuals who need each other. We work the best when we work together. Combining gifts and talents gives us the best result. So we should depend first and foremost on God and then on people, but our dependence on people must remain balanced.
The Bible says that Jesus did not trust Himself to His disciples because He knew the nature of all men (John 2:24). That simply means that although He was in relationship with them, shared His life with them and was dependent on them for certain things, He never allowed that dependence to be such that He could be devastated if they disappointed Him. He knew the nature of people was to be just what they are—people! People made up of flaws and imperfections.
Once I found myself worried about what I would do if Dave died. How could I run the ministry on my own? After several days of this mental attack the Lord spoke to my heart and said, “If Dave died you would keep doing exactly what you are doing, because I am the One holding you up, not Dave.” I obviously needed Dave and was dependent on him for many things, but God wanted to establish in my heart from the beginning of our ministry that with or without Dave or anyone else for that matter, I could do what God had asked me do as long as I had Him. Every individual needs to believe this same thing. God is all you have to have. Many other things are nice and comforting, but God is the only person we can never do without. The Bible says that Joseph’s brothers hated him, but God gave him favor everywhere he went (Genesis 39:21). It just doesn’t matter who is against you as long as God is for you.
When Peter, Judas and others disappointed Jesus, He was not devastated because His confidence was not misplaced. He was dependent and yet independent at the same time. I depend on many people in my ministry to help me accomplish what I am called to do. However, we see constant change. People leave that we thought would be with us forever and God sends new ones that have amazing gifts. We quickly learned that if we don’t become overly confident in any one person then we can avoid a lot of worry and concern. We look to God to meet our needs, not people. We need people, but we know it is God working through people to help us. If He decides to change who He works through that should be no concern of ours.
When Mother Teresa left for India to begin her mission work there she was told she could not do it because she had no money and no one to help her. I was told she said she had three pennies and God, and that was all she needed.
All of us are familiar with the amazing work she did to help the poor in India. Her willingness to stand with God alone, having all her confidence in Him allowed God to work through her in a remarkable way.
She was a rare individual who knew how to work with people, but who believed that with or without people she could do all God was asking her to do.
That is the kind of attitude I want to maintain. I appreciate all the wonderful people God has placed in my life. My husband and children are amazing. Our ministry staff is top notch and the wonderful ministry partners God has given us are awesome. I need all of them but if for any reason God ever decided to remove any of them from my life I want to be a confident woman who knows that with God alone all things are possible. My confidence must be in Him more than it is in anything or anyone else.
PART II
Living Boldly and Without Fear
Chapter Eleven
THE ANATOMY OF FEAR
Fear. We’ve all experienced it. It’s that unsettled feeling you get in your stomach, it’s the panic that can overtake you with no notice. Everyone is inevitably afraid of something. After all, we’re human. In fact, according to a recent study, 19.2 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 8.7% of people in this age group in a given year, are scared of something specific. Fifteen million Americans have social phobias that make it difficult to interact with other people due to being extremely self-conscious in social situations.1
A popular television show actually challenges contestants to face their fears to the extreme—lying down in aquariums filled with crabs or snakes, jumping out of helicopters or eating live spiders or other insects. It’s not my idea of a fun time, but most of the people who participate probably aren’t doing it for fun either; they’re trying to win the $50,000 awarded at the end of the show. Eventually someone is challenged with a stunt that is too scary. Unable to overcome their fear, the player gives up and walks away.
Life often brings fear into the picture and many times we can feel like that contestant—ready to give up and walk away. If we ever want to overcome uncertainty and doubt, if we ever truly want to become confident women, it’s vital that we have a complete and thorough understanding of the nature and anatomy of fear. The first thing we must know is that fear does not come from God. He has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7).
Fear torments and prevents progress. It causes people who should be bold and aggressive to shrink back, to hide and be cowardly a
nd timid. Fear is a thief. It steals our destinies. As I said in an earlier chapter, the only acceptable attitude we should have toward fear is “I WILL NOT FEAR!” Each of us must be firm in our resolve that we will not allow fear to rule in our lives. There is far too much at stake to take a light attitude toward this huge problem.
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If we ever want to overcome uncertainty and doubt, if we ever truly want to become confident women, it’s vital that we have a complete and thorough understanding of the nature and anatomy of fear.
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I believe that fear is the master spirit that the devil uses against people. Think about the problems you currently have. How many of those are tied to fear? I bet if you think about it, you will say most have something to do with being afraid. Our worries come from fear. We try to control people and circumstances due to fear. We let people control us because of fear. People who are afraid of being poor become greedy and stingy. Someone who is afraid of not having friends pretends to be someone they’re not. We get into wrong and harmful relationships due to the fear of being lonely, and the list goes on and on. However, I believe we can conquer fear if we make time to understand it and see fear for what it really is, a spirit that has no place in a life turned over to Christ.
I once heard a story of a village where the children were told by their parents: “Whatever you do, don’t go near the top of the mountain. It’s where the monster lives.” All the previous generations of children heeded this warning and avoided going near the top of the mountain.