by Jolie Day
Carter pulled out the burner cell that he was given for each job and dialed 9-1-1, making his voice deep and unrecognizable as he rattled off the address and told the dispatcher to send an ambulance, quick! Then he hung up, picked up his bat, and ran out of there, knowing full well that he was going to be in trouble the second he got back to headquarters.
Mal was going to have his ass.
*****
“Lieutenant?” Carter blinked out of his thoughts as his gaze focused once again on Dr. Daniels, who was staring at him with concern. “Are you feeling alright?”
“I’m fine,” he assured the doctor. “Just…thinking.”
Dr. Daniels, looked like he wanted to ask more, but he just stared at Carter. It took a moment for Carter to remember that he had been asked a question and just what that question was.
“It’s not serious,” he said. “This thing between me and Liz. It’s…fun. Mutually beneficial.” He shrugged, supposing that was the right word for it. “But there’s no future.”
“Are you certain of that?” Dr. Daniels asked. “No future at all? Why do you believe that?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Carter asked. “I mean, we’ve only known each other a couple of months. I worked for her, as a model for her photography.”
“You modeled?” Dr. Daniels seemed to find that quite humorous, his lips spreading in a grin.
“Yeah, well I’d say I’m pretty good-looking. My photos are gonna be hanging up in a gallery in San Francisco, so not bad, huh?”
“Oh, is that why she’s moving?”
“Yeah,” Carter sighed. “That’s why. Also, she’s…well, Liz is like a rolling stone, you know?”
“She moves around a lot?”
“She calls it traveling. She never sets down permanent roots anywhere. Just picks up and leaves at a moment’s notice, anytime she wants.”
“Does that annoy you?”
“Didn’t used to,” Carter admitted. “When she told me that she was a traveler, I thought it would be the perfect situation for me; a little fun with no strings attached, you know? I can go back to Afghanistan and she could go on to her next destination and neither of us would have to worry very much about what it all meant.”
“Casual and fun; like a vacation,” Dr. Daniels suggested.
“Exactly,” Carter agreed. “Like a vacation.” That was actually the perfect description of what he had been hoping for with Liz Morgan.
“But that’s not what you got, was it? Circumstances became messy, as they so often do.”
“Exactly,” Carter agreed. “What we have is…messy. And I just can’t deal with it anymore.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“What’s the difference?” Carter huffed. “She’s leaving. It’s over. What else is there to even talk about?”
“Did she invite you to go with her?”
Carter stayed stubbornly silent.
“I’ll take that as a yes. Why didn’t you just say yes if this is weighing so heavily on your mind?”
“I told you why,” Carter said. “We’re not a couple like…like that. Our thing is—”
“Messy and not-casual,” Dr. Daniels interrupted. “Sounds like a serious relationship to me.”
“It’s not.” But he wasn’t as sure in that as he would have liked to be. “I don’t really do relationships.”
“Why not?”
“Why do you keep asking all these questions?”
“Because I am your therapist and this is what the government pays me for,” the doctor answered, smartly. “It seems to me like you are afraid of commitment.”
“I’m not afraid of anything,” Carter said. “I committed to the Navy SEALs, didn’t I? And you ruined that.”
“I didn’t ruin it,” Dr. Daniels insisted. “You did. You refuse to change anything about yourself. You refuse to say how you’re truly feeling and you put yourself and others in danger with your impulsive actions. When was the last time you even told somebody that you love them?”
Carter thought of Kane, his best friend, whose children were now without a father—or their Uncle Carter—because of a single bomb. They hadn’t even been able to properly say their goodbyes. Kane had been the last one he’d said, ‘I love you’ to. It had been almost jokingly, after Kane had pushed him out of the way of a sniper rifle, and Kane had winked and blown a kiss in response, but Carter had known that they would do anything for one another.
And that had all ended when Kane died in that explosion.
“I think you’re afraid to love,” Dr. Daniels said, finally. Carter had known it was coming, but he still denied it with a firm shake of his head. “Yes,” Daniels said, firmly. “You are. I don’t know how or why it came about, but you are most definitely terrified to make any permanent commitments that don’t involve what is almost perpetually an imminent demise. I believe that you use the Navy to hide away from ever having to make another commitment; it’s one of the reasons I made the recommendation that I did.” Carter gritted his teeth in anger, trying to keep himself from saying something that he would most certainly regret. “But,” the doctor continued, “after speaking a bit more with you, I realize that you need to serve as much as this country needs you to serve.” Carter’s eyes widened at that. “Which is why I’ve taken back that recommendation and I am signing off on your mental and emotional stability to serve. Because you are one hell of a SEAL and it would be a shame to lose you.”
He stood and made his way to the desk, picking up an envelope. It was not yet sealed.
“It’s up to you if you’d like to mail this,” Dr. Daniels said. “If you think that you’re ready to go back to Afghanistan just yet. But I would advise you to be a little more open with your emotions. And not just anger, either. Express your grief and affection, as well. Even if it’s just in private. Don’t bottle those all up, because you’ll probably end up having a stroke.” He handed the envelope to Carter. “Keep in mind, this advice is for whether or not you decide to go back.” His words were heaving with implications and Carter found himself nodding along with them. He knew exactly what the doctor meant, but at that moment he was certain where he needed to be, already.
He saluted the doctor, before turning on his heel, and walking out.
*****
Tim’s arms banded around her like a vice and Liz stuttered out a laugh.
“I’ll come back to visit,” she promised, patting his back.
“Oh, that’s what they all say,” Tim muttered. “But nobody ever comes to visit old Tim. I haven’t even seen my own grandchildren in over a year.” He shook his head, tutting.
“Well I will,” Liz promised. “I have plenty of resources to do so.”
“Good. Have you at least rented out your apartment to somebody who will play chess with me?”
“You could always go down and invite him down for a game. He seemed like quite the intellectual fellow,” Liz said, grinning. Then she leaned back in and pressed a kiss to Tim’s cheek. “I’ll miss you,” she said, softly.
“I’ll miss you, too, Elizabeth.” He hugged her tightly to his body and she groaned, then laughed.
“I’ll miss you, too, Tim,” she replied. He held her for a moment longer and she glanced down at her watch. “But I’ll also miss my plane if you don’t let go.”
Tim laughed and released her again. “Have a safe flight, sweetheart,” he said. “Don’t be a stranger.”
“You neither,” she responded, saluting him as she started toward the elevator. Tim watched her go with a fond smile, before retreating into his apartment.
*****
Carter stared at the letter on his counter for close to an hour as he tried to decide what to do with it. If he mailed it or took it to the closest recruitment building, he could be back in Afghanistan by this time next week. All he needed to do was get his stitches removed and he’d be good to go.
Or he could file for his discharge papers and go after the woman he loved.
There, he admitted i
t, if only to himself. He loved Liz Morgan. He loved the way she looked and the way she spoke. He loved her enthusiasm over small things, her passion for photography, and the way she felt in his arms. He loved running his hand over her back in bed after sex, loving making her feel safe and calm and the way that she returned the favor. He loved that she cared so much about him. Almost more than he seemed to care about himself. He loved all this and more and yet, he hadn’t been able to tell her that yet.
He couldn’t tell if it was because she hadn’t been the first one to say it or if Carter was just too afraid to say it out loud. It seemed ridiculous, though, after everything he had been through, to be scared of a simple declaration of love. His parents had said it every single day to one another, without fail. It was as if they were just talking about the weather or saying hello; so casual and easy. He’d never quite understood how two people could be that way with such a heavy word on their tongues; how they could make it sound so light and breezy.
But they did. And he wanted that, he realized. He wanted that with Liz.
But it was probably too late. She hadn’t answered any of his calls in days. He’d stopped trying just before he went to see Dr. Daniels, but perhaps it was time to start again.
What could it hurt?
Carter slipped his phone out of his pocket and dialed her number again, but the call went straight to voicemail. She had likely blocked him by now.
Placing the phone down, he stood and grabbed the envelope, tucking it into his back pocket as he crossed to the door and exited. This time, he took the elevator down, keeping his shoulders in a straight line and his spine rigid. He was not going to run from this; from her. He was going to stay and he was going to fight and he was going to finally tell her that he loved her. Liz could decide whether or not she loved him back, but no matter what her answer was, he already knew his own.
When the elevator doors opened, he marched out and made his way to her door, his steps never faltering. He knew exactly what he wanted and he was going to go after it. He was going to get it, no matter what it took. He rapped twice on the door and waited, his arms pressed firmly to his sides. When he heard the tell-tale sign of Liz’s locks coming undone, his heart began to pound.
The door opened slowly to reveal…an old man.
Carter furrowed his brow and glanced at the door to check that he had the correct apartment. He did. He had lived here for weeks, so he was certain that he couldn’t have gotten the number wrong after all this time. But this old man, with the long white beard and spectacles perched on the bridge of his nose, looked more like a skinny Santa Claus than his Liz Morgan.
“Can I help you, young man?” Skinny Santa asked with a pleasant-sounding voice and smile.
“Um, yes,” Carter replied. “I was looking for Elizabeth Morgan. She…she lives here, in this apartment.”
“Not anymore,” the bearded man replied. “Miss Morgan moved out and rented her apartment out to me at a phenomenal price. You can’t get many places like this for seven-hundred a month. Not in Los Angeles.” He chuckled and removed his glasses to wipe them down. “Are you friends with Miss Morgan? I would think she told you that she was leaving if you were.”
“Um, yes,” Carter said. “She did. I just…I forgot, I guess. Which day did she leave?”
“Today,” the man informed him. “Her flight would have just departed a few hours ago.” He checked his watch. “Yes. Noon, I believe she said. Did you need to speak with her about something?”
“Yes, but it can…it can wait. Thank you, sir.”
“Glad I could help. Good day.” The door closed and Carter was left alone in the hallway. He sighed and started back toward the elevator, before deciding to take the stairs again. His shoulders were less straight than before and so was his spine. By the time he made it back to his apartment, he was sure of what he had to do now.
Carter pulled out his phone.
*****
“That’s right, baby boy,” Liz cooed at the baby as he grabbed his mother’s thumb with his tiny fist. “Smile for me.” He stared at her with big, black eyes and flared his nostrils. She chuckled and snapped a picture of his little face. He was lying in a basinet in his nursery with his mother right next to him to keep him calm. Chiaki gazed at her son like he was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Mako gurgled when she tickled his belly. He smiled then and reached out for her, his body twisting slightly. Liz took the opportunity and snapped a few more photos of him. His cheeks and body were chubby and his head was topped by a light brown tuft of straight hair. His lips were full and beautiful.
He was simply amazing.
She had always loved babies, ever since she was a little girl. She didn’t have any younger cousins, but her father would take her on jobs with him, where he would take photographs of newborns and toddlers. Sometimes, they did pregnancy announcements and the expectant mothers would let her listen to the babies in their stomachs. Liz had always wondered what it felt like to be kicked from the inside.
She couldn’t imagine that it was very pleasant, as magical as it seemed when she was a little girl.
“Liz?” She blinked over at Chiaki, who had picked up her son and now held him on her hip. “Another picture of all of us?” she requested, motioning her husband, Yul, over to stand with her. He ruffled his son’s hair, gently, and wrapped his arms around his family, pressing a kiss to Chiaki’s forehead as Liz snapped the photo of all three of them together. When she showed it to them, Chiaki nearly squealed in excitement.
“That is perfect,” she said. “Thank you, Liz.”
The two women hugged and Liz reached down, stroking Mako’s cheek, before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. The infant cooed and wrapped his tiny fingers around a lock of her hair, tugging gently. She laughed and coaxed her hair from his fingers, before turning to pack up her camera.
When she turned back, Chiaki was handing her an envelope full of cash. Liz grinned and shook her head. “Keep it,” she said. “I have plenty of my own. But you just started a new family.”
“My father takes good care of us,” Chiaki pointed out. “And my husband makes more than enough to support us, otherwise. You should take it. Treat yourself to a spa before your big unveiling. Father says that it will be your best one yet.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Liz laughed. “But I do hope that you like it. I worked pretty hard on the concept. It practically consumed my entire life for weeks.” She took a deep breath, working to keep her smile now. “Will I see you both there?”
Chiaki nodded. “Our nanny starts this afternoon, so we definitely will.”
“Great,” Liz said, still not accepting the money. “I’ll see you both tonight.”
“Can’t wait,” Chiaki said, tucking the money covertly into Liz’s tote bag as she turned to leave. Liz took it out by the door and set it on their hall table, before exiting the apartment and starting toward the elevator.
Once inside, she leaned back against the wall and took out her phone. She had several missed calls from Carter from the last few days. He had been calling her almost nonstop to the point where she had turned on airplane mode several times a day, so as not to deal with him. There was an ache in her heart every time she thought of his face.
It had been cowardly, she knew, to just up and leave without so much as a goodbye. But he’d run away first. She wasn’t going to take him back, just like that. Liz Morgan had more dignity than that. She was better than groveling for a man’s affection. A man who wouldn’t even show her an ounce of serious affection, at that.
She was done with Carter McIntyre.
Still, she couldn’t help the pang of longing she’d felt when she took that photograph of Chiaki and her family, her son settled in the crook of her arm, her husband’s lips pressed to her forehead. She realized, at that exact moment, that that was something that she was looking for. Something that Carter probably wasn’t able to give her.
So, really, they were both better off with her in
San Francisco.
Weren’t they?
*****
The next flight was that evening and it cost half of Carter’s savings, but it was worth it. Or so he hoped. He’d never been this sure about anything in his life. He’d never been this ready to fight for what he wanted, either, but there was still an echo of doubt in the back of his mind as he boarded with everything he owned in a carry-on bag that he had taken from the closet. He was sure that his friend wouldn’t mind if he borrowed it. He could send a better one back, anyway.
The flight was just under two hours long and it was already dark by the time he reached San Francisco. Looking at his watch, Carter cursed; the man he had spoken to had informed him that the gallery opened to the public at a quarter to eight. It was now half-past and he wasn’t even out of the terminal yet.
He just hoped he could make it before the show was over.
*****
“Miss Elizabeth,” Mr. Sagawa exclaimed, walking toward her with open arms.
Liz smiled, meeting him halfway. She kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly. “Hello, Mr. Sagawa,” she said. “How are you?”
“I am well, thank you. Have you seen your collection? We’ve sold several prints, already, and one of my more affluent friends has inquired about buying the originals. I told him that I would have to consult with my artist, first, but he seems insistent. He’s willing to pay a very handsome price for one of the pieces.”
“From my Navy SEAL collection?” Liz asked, grinning. “Really?”
“Yes,” Mr. Sagawa said. “He says that the portrait would be a gift for his lady friend back home. She has a thing for beautiful works of art.” He leaned in. “Just between you and me, I believe the young man was speaking of himself in this context, as well.” He rolled his eyes and Liz laughed.